Lost in My Head

Walking in the loud, crowded, corridors of the hall. Feeling lost, even though this place has become my home for the past four years.

Everybody walking in the opposite direction as I walk around, staring at the posters on the wall, and at the gum and graffiti stuck on the smallest corners of the rooms.

I turn around, gazing at this maze of a school, turning back around to the direction I was going first, and find myself colliding with a body.

"Hey watch it, dude," a school jock tells me.

I want to answer by saying, 'I'm a girl, dude,' but what comes out is a whisper of a 'sorry' and I begin to walk again.

"Hey," a familiar voice says, it's Nathanial, my known to be 'best friend.'

"Hi, Nathaniel." I roll my eyes.

"What's up, Layla,"

"The sky," I retort, walking to our next class.

"Hey," Nathaniel says, trying to catch up, "It's actually the ceiling," he calls after me.

And this is how my life goes.

"Mom, I'm home," I yell as I enter the front door of my house, dropping my backpack in the process.

No answer comes.

"Yes," I think to myself, "Home alone." I run up the spiral staircase all the way to my room.

I put on Michale Jackson and began to dance. "Just Beat it," I sing along to the words.

As that song finishes another one of my favorite Michale Jackson songs comes on.

"She's Out of My Life." I sway sadly with the music, acting like I'm heartbroken, just as the song is ending, I lean against the staircase, closing my eyes, "To think for two years, she was here....And I took her for granted... I was so cavalier.." I stopped singing as I heard the front door opening, indicating that my mom is here. I stop the music and jump on my bed, pretending as if I have been sleeping this whole time.

"Sweetie, I'm home," I hear her say, "Layla, I have something for you." I roll my eyes and stand up, off of my bed.

"Yes, mom," I answer, walking slowly down the stairs.

"Look," she says, but I can't see what she is talking about.

"What," I ask, walking closer to her, finally, I see it, it's a letter. "Oh, no," I think.

"I think it's from College," she tells me, smiling. I snatch the letter from her hand, "Hey," mom yelps.

I run up the stairs.

"Layla, you come back here at once." Disobeying her, I run faster up my room and shut my bedroom door.

I lean against it and look at the letter in my hand.

Scared to find out what's inside, I toss it on my bedroom desk.

Nathaniel jumps up and down as we walk to school. I walk in front of him as he parades on the sidewalk.

"What's up with you?!" I ask.

"I got my College letter," he says, dancing.

I roll my eyes.

"I got in." he jumps.

"I can tell." I continue to walk, squinting my eyes from the hot summer sun.

"Aren't you happy for me!?"

"Sure,"

When we enter our class, it's the same as usual, bored kids, yawing teachers, and things flying around.

"Alright class," our teacher begins, but I drown him out until the end of class.

Nathaniel walks with me to our next class, more cheerful than usual. He jumps up, once in a while, probably remembering that he got into his top choice college.

"See you after class-" I don't hear the rest of his sentence, for I have already opened the locker room door to my next class, Gym.

My friend, a black girl named Sydney, spots me and waves me over to her locker. I lay my books down and grab my gym outfit.

"Can you believe it, this is probably our last gym class till we're off to college," she says as I change.

We walk out of the locker room and into the gym.

Most of the other students are already on the gym floor.

"Volleyball day," Coach announces. She grabs a ball and passes it to the team captain of our school cheerleading squad, Rachel.

"Hey, why does she always get to be the captain," Sydney asks, loudly.

The coach ignores her and chooses another girl, from the cheerleading squad, to be the other team's captain.

Once each captain chooses their team, we play.

Rachel did not choose me to be in her group, as always, so I'm on the other team.

The coach blows the whistle and the game begins.

As always, Rachel's team throws so many fouls that never get called.

She hits me and my team, but mostly me, multiple times.

Class finally ends and our team loses.

"Oh.My.God." Sydney says, at the end of the game, "That was brutal."

We watch as Rachel's team fistbump one another, doing some sort of victory dance.

I roll my eyes.

Rachel walks toward us and gives us the 'L' sign.

Sydney glares at her and Rachel walks into the locker room, triumphantly.

"She is just too much," Sydney tells me as we walk into the locker room.

"I know right," I answer

"She's always had it in for us." she shakes her head, "I wonder why, "

We walk to our lockers to find Rachel and her team of friends there too.

"Oooo, if it isn't Sydney and Layla," she squeaks, making a face. Sydney rolls her eyes and opens her locker. I would do the same, but for some reason, I stand there looking scared of her.

Rachel seems to notice this and makes a bark sound, causing me to jump a little. The whole team laughs at this, except Sydney.

"You're such a baby." Rachel smirks, showing her evil, perfect, white teeth.

I furrow my eyebrows.

She laughs even more.

"Are you going to cry." she makes a pouty face, mocking me. I look down. She laughs again, turning back at her friends.

I want to say something, anything, but I'm afraid of the outside world, scared of something, but I don't know why. I'm so much stronger on the inside than on the outside.

But, why?

She stares back at me, this time without a smile. She walks slowly toward me, bending down to face my face.

"Give it up, Layla," she whispers, "You will never be the best." she smirks, "especially not better than me," she adds, smiling a wicked grin, and turns around, back to her group of evil friends.

I open my locker and look down.

"That isn't true," Sydney tries to reassure me.

"No, she's right,"

At lunchtime, I sit alone, picking at the school lunch food.

I hear a bang on the table, it's Nathaniel's lunch tray and he sits down.

I roll my eyes, "What do you want,"

"Nothing." He smiles with his usual cheerful mood.

I growl at him.

"Wow, somethings up your butt," he says.

"Ugh, why are you so happy all the time, why are you so annoying." I end my sentence with a roll of my eyes.

"Fine." Nathaniel stands up, grabbing his tray.

"Wait, no," I say, reaching my hand out to him to come back.

"Fine, you want me to be sad all the time, like you, then I will, I'll show you my real self. I'm always sad," he says, people begin to turn their heads.

Surprised at what he said, I begin to ask him something, "You're sad ...always-"

"No, you always talk," he cuts me off, "You're wondering why I'm sad?" he waits for my answer, so I manage a nod.

"I can't live like this anymore. Having to pretend I'm not hurting when you don't care for me." I try to cut him off, to tell him I do, but we've attracted a crowd, so I keep quiet.

"You want everyone to go down to your sad level, well I won't, I know I'm hurting, and I've been trying to hide it, but I can't anymore,"

"What are you talking about," I manage to ask.

He doesn't answer.

I stand up.

"I...I.."

"What," I ask, beginning to grow frustrated.

"I love you," he yells, I tumble backward at his words. " I..." he shakes his head and looks around him, realizing that he said that in front of the whole school.

As the day goes on, kids give me looks; I used to feel invisible and I hated the feeling of not being known, but this feeling is worse, I feel like I'm being known for being a horrible person. I walk down the hallways, the people's eyes tell me exactly what they think of me.

I try to ignore them, but every class it gets harder. Finally, the school day ends, and I can't wait to exit those doors. When I do, I breathe in the air around me. Feeling, just a tad better as I walk. But, Nathaniel's absence reminds me of what happened today.

When I finally come home, I immediately enter my room.

"Sweetie, how was your day," my mom calls, but I ignore her, shutting the door to my room. I jump on my bed and lie there, beginning to cry.

I hear a creak of the door as I put a pillow up against my face to blind me from seeing.

I feel my mother's hand grab my pillow, so I can see her.

"What's wrong, dear." I shake my head at her question and begin to cry more.

"Go, away." I flip myself, belly down.

"What happened?"

"I said go away," I mumbled into my pillow.

She asks again, the same question, this time I answer.

"Only, the worst day of my life," I say sitting up. Mom gives me a look of 'that's not possible,'.

"Today, Rachel was hitting me with the ball and ....." my tears begin to flow again, " and then..." I get a hiccup in the middle of my sentences, "she said, 'I will never be the... best'." I hiccup some more.

"Oh, you know that's not true," my mom says, trying to comfort me.

"No..no, it is true," I say, cutting her off, "I can't say anything in front of people, I'm afraid of something...and I don't know why or what," I jumble with my words, "and after that, I snapped at Nathaniel," the mention of just his name, makes me cry even more, " He...stood up and told me he...he... Loved me... and then he left and, on top of that, the whole school saw, and nobody...Likes me," I sob at the end of my sentence, getting a hiccup in between almost every word.

I hug my mom and sob in her arms as she pats me.

I wake up the next morning, my eyes feel tired and wet as I try to open them. The blinding sun peeks through the holes of the curtains. I grumble to myself and pick up the nearest pillow to throw at the window, but it falls just right by the bed. I grumble some more and get up.

"Ugh," I say, stumbling my way toward my bedroom desk and dresser. I yawn and look at myself in the mirror. I make a disgusted face and sit down on my chair.

Yawning again, I rub my eyes. I look down at the desk and I see the letter I received yesterday.

My heart begins to race, thinking of what could be inside.

I shake my head, deciding not to open it, and get dressed to go to school.

Walking down the corridors, it seems like nobody remembers what happened yesterday, so I begin to relax until I bump into Rachel.

"Ugh, watch it," Rachel yelps, not realizing who just touched her. I take this chance to make a run for it, but then she looks at me and she smiles her evil smile.

"Oh...It's you." she grins, "I hear you broke somebody's heart yesterday," she says, scrunching up her nose. "Wow, you really did it this time, I mean... you did something even meaner than what I do..." she begins to slow clap, "I applaud you,"

I internally roll my eyes and watch her smirk.

"You know...I always underestimated you," she begins, "now I see how fierce you are, you should probably... join us," she says pointing to the friends behind her. This time I really do roll my eyes. "Excuse me," she says, seeing my eye roll.

"Seriously.." I shake my head, "You really think I want to be one of you." I point at her and her group and scoff, "You really did underestimate me, I don't want to be your friend, I think you are a horrible person that ruins people's lives and I don't want to be part of that." I shake my head and walk away.

"Ugh, whatever, I never wanted you to join our group anyways," she calls after me, scoffing.

"Fine by me," I answer, still walking forward.

I enter my class and sit in my usual seat, feeling much more confident in myself than usual. But, then I see Nathaniel walk in and he doesn't sit next to me, reminding me again, what happened yesterday, making me feel in my usual sad mood again.

"Alright, class of... What year is it again?" the English teacher asks, causing the whole class to laugh, except me.

"Okay, these are our Graduation pictures, so everybody smile." I force a smile.

"Cheese," the whole class says as they smile.

At the end of this, I try to spot Nathaniel in the crowd of students in our class.

"You're looking for Nathaniel?" Sydney asks behind me.

"Ya, am I that obvious?"

"No, but I've known you forever," She answers and I smile. "I think you should go talk to him,"

I look around again.

"I don't see him," I say.

"Well, then go find him," She commands me.

"But..where-"

Reading my mind, Sydney points to the nearest door.

I walk out the door that leads to the playground.

I spot Nathaniel's orange-reddish hair and walk towards him, stopping behind him.

"Um..." I start but then silence myself, not sure what to say. He turns around. "Nat...look," I start.

"No, I start," Nathaniel butts in, "I'm sorry, for getting so mad,"

"No, I'm sorry for getting so mad," I say, this time I'm butting in.

He chuckles and I laugh.

"I don't want anything to ruin our friendship," I tell him, "I'm sorry for being always so hard on you and being grumpy all the time, but...I guess the reason why I'm mad all the time with you, is because I'm never myself with others." I look down, "And you are practically the only person who knows me. Well, actually, the only person," I add.

I look back up at him and see him smile.

We just stare at each other for a while.

"I'm sorry," I say again.

"Stop apologizing," he laughs, "I'm the one that should be saying sorry. I've known you my whole life and I've been hiding it from you." There's a pause after he tells me this.

"I just want to be friends," I tell him.

He nods and we just stand there, watching one another.

He then opens up his arms and hugs me, I welcome his embrace by hugging him back.

I smile and look up to him again once we stop hugging.

"I never told you Congratulations on getting into College,"

"Well, then tell me,"

I laugh and say 'Congratulations.'

"What about you, did you get into college?" when he asks this, my smile turns upside down and my heart begins to race again.

"Don't remind me," I say, shaking my head.

"What do you mean, you didn't get in?" he asks me, beginning to get worried.

"I don't know yet,"

At home, I pace back and forth in my room.

"Should I open it?" I ask myself from time to time, "Or should I not open it," I ask myself, pulling the ends of my hair.

I sit down on my rolly desk chair, spinning around in it.

"Should. I. Open. it," I say, pulling my hair even more. I stop spinning in my chair and grab the letter.

Closing my eyes, I plan to open it, but my nervous system kicks back in, and I'm back to spinning around.

I groan.

"What should I do!!?!?" I pull my hair again and yell.

"Sweetie," I hear my mom yell from downstairs, "Are you alright,"

"Ya, mom," I answer, shutting the door to my room.

I grab the nearest pencil and begin to tap it, louder and louder until I can't hear myself think. Maybe this will make me open the letter.

I grab the letter as I tap my pencil.

"I'm gonna open it," I tell myself, but instead I decide to myself that I should open it tomorrow.

"Oh my," my mom says, seeing me in my cap and gown. "My big girl," she begins to tear up.

"Mom," I whine as she takes out the camera and clicks it, taking a photo.

The doorbell rings and I open it.

Nathaniel walks in and we hug.

"Aww, you kids are so cute," my mom smiles, taking another picture of us hugging.

"Mom," I whine, turning around to face her, while Nathaniel smiles at the camera.

"You're so grumpy." she smiles through her tears.

I roll my eyes and smile at the camera anyway.

"Alright, I think it's time to go," Nathaniel tells us.

"Okay," I answer, "Wait, I need to grab something," I add and run up the stairs to my room.

I search my room for the College letter, 'just in case I'll need to open it,' I think to myself and run back downstairs.

I sit down next to Nathaniel and Sydney at the auditorium, ready for the valedictorian to make their speech.

"I can't believe Rachel got valedictorian," Sydney mumbles, her arms crossed as she watched her.

I shake around in my seat, bouncing my knee.

"Girl, are you okay?" Sydney asks, seeing my nervousness, turning her attention to me.

"Well..." I begin speaking, "I'm a little nervous... I mean...we'll be leaving home and that kind of scares me, I mean... for four years, and still, nothing has really changed in my life, nobody will remember me once I leave these walls,"

"What are you talking about," Sydney asks, "Of course, you'll be remembered." I shake my head at this, "No, don't take that attitude with me, I'm serious." she looks me in the eyes as she speaks, both her hands are on either side of my shoulders, "I will remember you, and Nat will remember you. And that's what matters the most, the people who care about you. Sure, Rachel will always be known because she was the cheerleading captain, the valedictorian, but you made a difference in our lives," she says, pointing at Nathaniel and herself. I smile at her words, feeling a little teary, I hug her. "I love you, girl," she tells me in the hug.

"I'm still nervous," I say and Sydney laughs at this.

"Me too, me too,"

Nathaniel joins the hug by wrapping his arms around the both of us. We break apart from the embrace and I begin to speak again.

"I'm also nervous because I might not leave, and I don't want to stay here forever,"

"What do you mean?" Sydney asks.

"I mean, I didn't open up my letter...and I'm kind of scared,"

"Well, then open it," Sydney says.

I shake my head taking out the letter from my pocket.

"I don't want to do it here,"

"Well, whatever happens, we are always here for you, right Nat,"

"Ya," Nathaniel answers.

I smile, less nervous than before.

We walk back to our homes, stumbling through the streets.

"Woohoo," We yell, holding up our diplomas in the air.

My feet are tired from all the walking today, so I took off my flats, and am walking barefoot.

"I think it may be time to open up that letter," Nathaniel says.

"No, no," I say, furrowing up my face.

"I think he's right, It's time," Sydney pipes in.

"No, please,"

"I'll open it for you," Sydney states.

"No," I answer and she laughs.

I grab the letter out of my pocket, quickly.

I close my eyes and begin to tear it open, slowly.

"I can't do this," I say, dropping the letter to the ground. Nathaniel bends down and grabs it off the ground.