We drove back in silence. At least, I did. Coop apologized, like that was going to make it all better. Kai tried to tickle me once and I slugged him. I was still fuming when I got to art. I kicked a chair and sent it crashing into the easel up front.

My brain is engaged. Chill, Jennie. God.

On impulse I took the chair next to the window and waited for Rosie to arrive. Needed to feel her presence, her strength. Needed to protect her from all the ugliness in the world. As I dug in my pack for my sketchbook, a body descended on me. I glanced up.

“That’s my seat,” Wendy said.

“Do you mind if we switch? I’m having a hard time seeing the slides from the back.” I nudged my glasses up the bridge of my nose.

She hesitated a moment, then wandered away. A few seconds later Rosie sauntered in. She spotted me and held my eyes as she moved across the room. Floated. The chair next to me scraped back and a flash of blonde hair caught my eyes. “Yo,” Dean said in my ear.

“Dean, I’m saving this –”

“Sorry I’m late.” Soji charged into the room. “Let’s get started. We have a lot to cover today. You’ll need your larger tablet for this exercise. And your marking pens.”

Rosie vanished. I twisted around to see she’d taken the empty seat back next to Wendy. Shit.

***

Hwa was getting reamed out in her room when I got home from school. What was she doing here? I wondered. She stayed over last weekend. What happened to every other weekend? At the bottom of the stairs, I heard Mom snarl, “It’s sacrilegious and I won’t have it in my house. Grow up, Hwa.”

“You grow up!” Hwa screamed at Mom. “Stay out of my stuff. Just get the hell out of my life. You’re not my mother and you never will be.”

I purposely tripped over the laundry basket.

“Wait until your father hears about this,” Mum said in a lowered voice.

Hwa countered, “He won’t care and you know it.”

Mom charged across the basement, eyes flaming. “Hello, honey,” she intoned between clenched teeth. “And how was your day?”

“About like yours.”

She stomped up the stairs. As I rounded the partition, Hwa said, “Bitch.”

“Same to you,” I replied.

“Not you. Her.” She jutted her chin toward the ceiling. Rolling over on her bed, she scrunched in a fetal position and drew a pillow into her face. That’s when I was what Mom had gone ballistic over. Standing in the middle of Hwa’s dresser was a statue of the Virgin Mary clutching this headless baby Jesus. Sick.

Thank God I had a swim meet and wouldn’t have to suffer through dinner with the AntiChrist and the Cleavers. As I was jamming a clean Speedo into my duffel, my phone rang. “What time do you think you’ll be here?” Kai asked.

“Be where?”

He didn’t speak for a long moment. “The apartment? This is Friday night.”

It’d totally slipped my mind. “Kai, I have a swim meet.”

“I know,” he said. “When will you be back?”

I exhaled an irritated breath. “Just a sec.” I retrieved my schedule that was push-pinned to the partition. “It’s at Eagle Ridge, so probably ten, ten-thirty.”

“Okay. What did you tell your mom about tonight?”

My mom? Crap. “Nothing yet.”

“Jennie,” Kai’s voice rose, “she’ll have the National Guard out looking for you when you don’t come home.”

“Don’t worry about it,” I snapped. “I’ll take care of it.”

Kai’s voice softened. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry about today, too. Coop’s an idiot sometimes. I know you’re upset about everything that’s happened this week. So am I. We can discuss it tonight.”

Discuss it. How “Kai.” How would “discussing” it change anything? The world was full of hate.

“I love you,” he said. And waited.

I wondered how long he’d wait. Forever, probably. The static in my head intensified. Finally, I couldn’t bear the noise. “I love you, too.”

Upstairs, I found Mom sitting at the credenza in the dining room, paying bills, her mini radio tuned to a talk show. With my hand on the doorknob, I called to her, “I’m going to my meet. See you tomorrow.”

She craned her neck around the wall to peer at me. “Tomorrow?”

I opened the door. “I’m staying at Jisoo’s tonight, remember? I’m sure I told you.”

“I’m sure you didn’t.”

Damn. “It’s all right, isn’t it?”

“Jisoo’s huh?” Mom licked an envelope and sealed it shut. “I don’t expect you’ll be there when I call later, will you?”

I blanched. “No.”

“You are taking your pills, aren’t you?”

I turned my burning face away.

“Jennie?”

What business was it –

“Look, I’m not coming down on you. I understand about being young, being in love. I was there once, remember? I just want you to be careful. Don’t do anything stupid that might jeopardize your future.”

Like having a child you never wanted? I translated to myself. “I’m careful,” I muttered.

Mom said, “Good luck at your meet.”

I mumbled thanks and slithered out of there.

***

All the way to Eagle Ridge I listened to the Dixie Chicks. Over and over. I’d memorized the lyrics already. Memorized her, too. Her face, her mannerisms, her smile. God, I loved her smile. I closed my eyes and let the music lift me up, sweep me away. Take me to another place, another time.

As we filed into the pool area to start the meet, my eyes combed the audience. Hoping, hoping… There. A baseball cap. Was that her against the bricks, staring at me? She was too far away to identify positively without my contacts, which I’d forgotten in my haste to get out of the house.

Coach Chiang gathered us together for a pep talk. Go Starfish.

I looked up again, but she was gone. If that was her, she never returned.

***

Kai met me at the apartment door, a quart of Bud in his hand and a dish towel over his arm. “Entréz, mademoiselle.” He gestured me inside. In the living room, he’d built a fire in the fireplace, piled all the dirty clothes and trash into a heap, and cleared off the coffee table. Two placemats were set out with silverware and napkins. “Wow,” was all I could say. Kai usually scored a low one-digit on the romance scale. “Is this for me?”

“No, it’s for Nayeon. She’s coming by later.”

I smacked his chest.

“May I take your coat, Mademoiselle?” He extended an arm.

I loaded him down with my duffel and coat and backpack, which he dumped on the heap. “Dinner’s in the oven,” he informed me, handing me the bottle of beer. “Do the honors?”

“Of unscrewing the cap?”

He bowed again. “S’il vous plaît."

Oh, brother.

“I shall return,” he said, pivoting and scuttling off toward the kitchen like a sand crab.

What a goon. I swigged on the Bud as I trundled into the living room. Kai’s brother and his roommates were slobs. I removed a crumpled Twinkies wrapper from the touch and sat. Guzzled the beer. A moment later Kai reappeared with two plates of Chinese food. It smelled fantastic. I was famished. He pulled out two wine glasses from his back pockets and set them on the coffee table. Oops. Guess he had bigger plans for the beer.

We shared one order of cashew chicken and a sweet-and-sour pork, plus four egg rolls and a vat of rice. Wiping my greasy fingers on a napkin, I said, “What’s the occasion?”

“No occasion.” Kai lifted his wine glass of sparkling Bud to toast. “Just us.”

I clinked my glass against his. As we drank, I studied Kai’s face. It was so familiar to me, every blemish, every line. The scar above his right eyebrow where he’d been whacked with a hockey stick. I felt as if I’d known him all my life, which was practically true. We’d gone to school together since elementary. It was Nayeon who’d set us up. She was dating his brother at the time, during her “older man” period, as opposed to her current “prepubescent” phase. I’d never even considered going out with Kai. But it worked. It was good between us. Comfortable.

Maybe that was the problem. This attraction to Rosie, this crush or whatever it was, was exciting, new, unpredictable. I didn’t know where it would lead, or even where I wanted it to lead. I think I knew where it could lead.

And if it did…

“Where are you?” Kai’s voice jerked me back to reality.

“I’m here.” I smiled at him. “With you.”

He tossed a couple of sofa pillows onto the hearth and crooked his finger at me. I slid off the couch. We nuzzled together by the fire. Kai started to kiss me. After a while, he whispered, “Let’s take this to the bedroom."

“You know what? I’m really tired.” I yawned and stretched.

“What?” He drew away from me. “I set all this up for you. For us. What’s the matter?”

The way he was looking at me – so angry, hurt. I couldn’t hurt him. “Nothing.” I shook my head at the floor. “Come on.”

***

I slipped out from under the sheet, trying not to breathe.

“Jen?” Kai turned over. “Where are you going?”

“Home. Sorry. Go back to sleep.” I pulled on my sweatpants.

“But we have all night.” He pushed to his elbows.

“I know. I can’t.” My voice sounded hoarse, hollow. “I don’t feel good. I’m sorry.” I lurched for the door. I needed to get out, get away. As far away from here as possible.

She was in me, in my blood, invading every cell in my body. She was the one I wanted. She was the one I saw, felt, desired. This was wrong. He was wrong. It was all so wrong.