12/29/2015

chapter nineteen ;

♡

As I attempted to move my head away, Ivy grabbed my chin and held my head steady. She fixed me with wide eyes. "Kayla." Her voice held a warning. "Let it happen."

"Oh, my God," I whined, letting my head droop. "Why are you doing this to me?"

Ivy's eyes were hazel – a mix of green and a golden brown, reminiscent of Benny's. And as beautiful as Ivy was, with her dark, glowing skin and perfect ringlets, no one's eyes could compare to Benny's.

"It's your turn. You and Skylar look about the same skin tone – think she'd let me borrow her makeup?"

I rolled my eyes so hard, they could have striked. "I don't want anything that has touched her face touching my face."

A smirk formed on Ivy's lips – for once, they were not painted yet. After she did my makeup, which is what we were fighting over now, she would do her own.

"I wouldn't mind if Luke touched my face . . . if you know what I mean." Ivy wiggled her perfect eyebrows, and I stared at her in disgusted horror.

Eventually, I managed to say, "No. I don't know what you mean. And I really don't want to."

As if the topic had never come up, Ivy pressed her lips together, studying my face. "You don't really need any foundation. Your face is clear. And your freckles are cute. Okay – that makes it easier, I guess. And we should just put the dress on first."

"Ivy," I groaned.

The girl's hand was still tucked beneath my chin, and she pulled my face upward. "Let it happen."

♡

Initially, I had expected the makeup process to be a lot more uncomfortable. But Ivy, even as a sixteen-year-old, was a pro. She finished with me in an extremely short amount of time, despite her precision.

Beaming, Ivy steered me to the bathroom mirror. The silky red dress Elizabeth had given me for Christmas hugged my curves, but I was not as insecure as I'd believed I would be. After a summer of constant activity and eating healthier, my stomach had shrunk exceptionally. And my face – even without airbrushing my freckles and imperfections – was . . . beautiful, really.

I'd never considered myself beautiful before. It was a wonderful, alien feeling.

Ivy grinned triumphantly, pressing her pink fingernails to her mouth. "Do you love it or do you love it?"

A laugh escaped my throat. "I love it. How did you do this?"

Black eyeliner lined my eyes, ending in sharp wings. My eyelashes were longer, curlier, and did not look caked with mascara. Deep red coated my lips, which looked fuller and sharper than normal. Only the pink of my cheeks was familiar – I don't think that was a product of makeup.

The dress surprisingly complimented my body well. Luckily the tan of my chest was even, and my darker arms were covered with the thin fabric.

The change of my body was more noticeable than ever. My collarbones were more prominent than they had ever been, and in the dress I felt slightly elegant. I just wished that my breasts were smaller – the cleavage, however slightly, made me feel trashy.

"Why are you looking at your boobs like that?" Ivy laughed. "They're not going to pop out of the dress. That would suck."

I realized that I was frowning down at them. "They're too big. They keep getting bigger, Ivy – I'll be a freak, soon enough."

The girl rolled her eyes. "Oh, shut up. I wish I had that problem. I have little lumps for boobs."

"I'd trade mine with yours any day," I pointed out – and it was the truth. Ivy could wear anything without having to worry about her breasts sagging or popping into the open.

Ivy's brows rose, and she was silent in thought for a moment. "Hm," she nodded. "Grass is greener, I guess. Makes me feel a little better about myself. Not all big-tittied girls are stuck up about it."

I laughed loudly. "Learn something new every day. Anyway, are you going to do something with my mop?" I pointed at my wild, dark curls.

"Yes, I am. Why? Got any suggestions?"

"Yes." Moving past Ivy, I entered my bedroom and continued on until I reached the nightstand beside my bed. The top drawer was nearly full.

A smile painted my red lips. There was the shredded remains of the baseball I had busted apart. The orange bandana Smalls had bought for me, because it was the only color I didn't own in a bandana. The coffee cup decorated with baseballs Kenny had given me, which I had used every time someone made coffee in my house. And, finally, the red ribbon the Timmons brothers had given me.

I'd never really planned to wear the ribbon, but after Christmas, when I'd noticed it again, I realized that it matched the red dress – silky and the exact same shade of red. I pulled it out of the drawer, and turned to brandish it at Ivy.

"Could you do something with this?"

Ivy stared at it, pressing a finger to her cheek. "I wish it was longer . . . but yeah. I can. Give it to me."

point of view.

Holy fucking fuck.

The moment she entered my house, side-by-side with Ivy, my heart kicked into overdrive and darted to the soles of my feet. It physically hurt to look at her, she was so beautiful.

The breath was knocked from my lungs. My mouth shaped her name – Kayla – but no sound came. She smiled at me in a sheepish manner; and Ivy looked triumphant and model-like, but I could not even begin to see her.

"Oh, my God!" Elizabeth whisper-yelled. "You two look like actual models."

The non-hazy part of my mind wanted to say that Elizabeth looked like a model, too, in her long black dress, curled hair swept to hang over one shoulder. But my thoughts were focused on Makayla; I felt pride at the sight of the oval-shaped hunk of crystal that rested delicately between her sharp collarbones.

Kayla's black hair was utterly flat, and pulled into a high, tight ponytail, devoid of imperfection. A red ribbon was tied where the hairband should have been, hanging along her long hair.

Her eyes were set upon me, sending me deeper into the trance – and then Elizabeth hit me upside the head. "Benny!" she sighed. "Are you even paying attention?"

All I could manage was a dumb, "Huh?"

Ivy laughed, and Elizabeth joined instantly. Kayla glanced down at the ground, a shy smile playing on her lips. What was there to be shy about? She was absolutely perfect, in every sense of the word.

Elizabeth rolled her eyes. "Leave it to me to be out-shined by a couple of younger girls."

Kayla rolled her eyes, averting her attention to my sister. "Oh, come on. I don't think anyone could outshine you, Elizabeth Rodriguez, you crazy woman."

"Thanks, babe. But I think that's what Benny is thinking about you right now. Look – you hypnotized him."

My brows furrowed together. "I am not hypnotized. I'm just . . . I mean, you're just . . . wow. There are no words to describe it."

"Aw!" Ivy sighed, pressing a hand over her chest. I realized that she was wearing a dark purple dress. "That's so cute. I'll be alone forever."

Elizabeth nearly choked. "You? Alone? Are you joking? Oh, my God – psychos everywhere. Anyway, we should start leaving now. Will you guys go get in the car? I'll get Mom."

Kayla, Ivy and I exited the house together, and made our way toward Mom's car. Before we could get into the backseat, Ivy pulled out her phone.

"Wait, wait," she said, pointing the camera toward us. "Let me take some pictures."

And so we posed in front of the car, my girlfriend and I, allowing Ivy to snap what felt like dozens of photos. The flash was beginning to blind me, so I resorted to staring down at Kayla in most of the pictures. And beside her, I felt unworthy, wearing dark jeans, a dressy white long-sleeved shirt, and black Timberlands.

Eventually, Mom and Liz walked out into the night, and the five of us left.

The Christmas party was a tradition for the Rodriguez family. The first time I attended, I was barely over a week old. Oddly, I'd never been sure who exactly prepared the parties, but it was an annual thing, and any and everyone was welcome.

The building was one-storied, but extremely spacious inside. Even early on, the parking lot was nearly full. As the girls and I exited the car, I gazed upon the building, picturing the inside perfectly.

"You all right?" Kayla whispered into my ear, after I'd helped her out of the car.

My brows pulled together. "Yeah. Why wouldn't I be?"

She shrugged. "You seemed a little weird back at the house."

"Oh," I laughed, "yeah. Uh – sorry. I've just . . . never seen you look so. . . ."

"Formal?" she suggested.

"That's one word," I chuckled. The three other girls had already started toward the building, so I quickly pressed a kiss to Kayla's temple. "You're always beautiful, but this is a new type of beautiful for you, don't you think?"

Kayla's red lips rose into a smile. "Yes. This is the first time I've actually ever thought of myself as beautiful. It's nice."

"Shouldn't be the first." I threw my arm over the girl's shoulders. "Like I said, you're beautiful all the time."

♡

The night stretched on, and everything seemed to be fitting together perfectly. All of the guys had showed up, and all of us – the gang plus Ivy – were having a great time, dancing and acting fools.

Perfectly for us, at least. I couldn't help but to notice how Luke and Elizabeth were clearly avoiding each other. Mom spoke with Kayla's parents at a table, well away from all of the teenagers, but I could see that her face was contorted with what looked like pain. Her face, alarmingly pale, glimmered with sweat.

Worry for my mother pulled me away from the surrounding scene: Clearly something was wrong with her. Months had passed since her first fit of sickness, and it had never truly gone – not for long. There always seemed to be something wrong with her.

And then one of the boys gasped – Tommy – and I jerked my head to the side, expecting something horrible. Rather, a grin split across the small boy's face.

"Hey!" Tommy practically squealed, pointing to Kayla's hair. "You're wearing the ribbon me and Tim-Tim got you!"

Timmy, who had wandered to his brother's side, gaped at the boy in horror. "Tim-Tim?"

The younger boy shrugged. "Well, you've been calling me Tom-Tom."

Kayla laughed. "How about Tomass."

Tommy's mouth dropped. "What?" Timmy, Ham, Squints and I burst into laughter. But I, unlike the rest, knew where the nickname had come from.

"She has a cousin named Tommy," I explained, before Makayla could open her mouth. "She called him Tomass."

"Hey, that's so cool!" Tommy's features brightened, and he seemed to have forgotten the point of the conversation. "Your cousin has my name!"

The girl only agreed, not bothering to point out that her cousin was her age; therefore, it had been his name first. I chuckled at the thought.

"So," Timmy said, stuffing his hands into the pockets of his jeans, "that is the ribbon we got for you?"

Smiling, Kayla winked. "The very same. I'll be honest – I never thought I'd end up wearing it. But I like it."

"It looks very pretty on you," Tommy said, and then he gasped. His cheeks reddened, and he wheeled to face me. "Sorry, Benny."

Unable to hide my smile, I said, "Don't you go stealing my girl, now, Tommy."

Giggling, Tommy hid his face and rushed off. Timmy smiled at me and Kayla then. "You two have come a long way, huh? I wish I was your guys' age, so I could go to high school with you all. I feel like you've forgotten the rest of us."

Kayla placed a hand on Timmy's shoulder. "We couldn't forget you if our lives depended on it. Trust me. All of you, you're unforgettable. In the best way."

"Thanks." Timmy smiled shyly at my girlfriend. "Um . . . well, I should go make sure Tomass hasn't gotten himself kidnapped." As he moved away, he flashed a brighter smile at the two of us. "I'm glad you wore the ribbon."

Once the boy disappeared into the crowd of bodies, Kayla turned to face me and leaned to say in my ear, "Thanks for not mentioning the nickname Tommy had for me. They never would have let me forget it."

A sly grin found its way onto my face, and I gazed down into her sea-colored eyes. "I could always start calling you Makaylard."

Her smile vanished, and her features hardened. "Don't." There was a warning in her voice.

And I laughed. "Okay."

♡

The party progressed, filled with laughter and dancing and eating and bonding. And kissing. Lots of kissing.

Between me and Kayla, at least.

But, like everything in the world, the night approached an end, and the crowds thinned. I, like all of my friends, my family, traveled with the outgoing flood of party-goers. Together we spilled into the parking lot, where engines were beginning to spark to life and cars zoomed out of the premises.

As usual, my arm was strung around Kayla's shoulders. It was all I could do not to give in to my urges. I could still feel the ghost of her lips on mine, her tongue – And fifteen should have been too young for the feelings I was carrying.

Plus, she'd never agree to it. And I wasn't sure whether I was ready either.

Once in the car, Ivy and Kayla enveloped themselves in excited conversation – I did not pay attention to the subject, but I was fairly certain that Ivy was talking about a boy. My attention was focused, however, on my mother, who sat passenger now, wiping at her face with a rag.

"Mom." I leaned forward to speak softly, so that only she could hear me. "Are you okay?"

The woman turned her head slightly, meeting my eyes, and she managed a small smile. "I'm all right, baby. I just don't feel well."

Pressing my lips together, I reached forward and brushed my fingers through her loose, dark hair. You're always sick, is what I wanted to say, wanted to spark a question.

"Could you do that again?" she sighed. "Play with my hair?"

Mom's voice was weak, barely a whisper, and I nodded. "Course, momma."

At that moment, Elizabeth opened the front door and slung herself into the driver's seat. She and Mom cast each other knowing looks, and I decided not to ask. Liz's cheeks were flushed, her eyes bright.

For the duration of the ride, even as I spoke to the girls and we sang along to Liz's music, I ran my fingers through my mother's hair.

♡

Once Ivy was dropped off, the car ride turned slightly more silent. Kayla, clearly exhausted, rested her head upon my shoulder. But when Elizabeth pulled into our driveway, Kayla forced her tired limbs to the ground.

"You could stay the night with me," I suggested, watching as Kayla blinked repeatedly, swaying lightly on her feet. "Save yourself a walk across the street."

Kayla smiled. "I would, but I need to wipe all this makeup off my face. Off my eyes, mostly. I'll see you tomorrow, all right? Please don't wake me up early."

"I'll consider it," I smirked, "if you give me a kiss."

She rolled her eyes, still smiling. "Like I was going to leave without getting a kiss, you dork."

The kiss was small and brief, yet satisfactory. It seemed that even a brush of her lips could fill my soul. And I couldn't comprehend how I had ever lived, how I had ever survived without her.

Kayla moved on to Elizabeth next, leaving her with a hug and a 'thank you' for the dress. Then she moved to my mother, enveloping the woman in her arms.

"Feel better, Lynn," she mumbled. "See you tomorrow, okay?"

"Definitely, baby. Love you."

Kayla smiled at the woman, and at all of us. "I love you, too. I love you all. Goodnight."

I blew the girl a kiss as she retreated, making her way across the street. "I love you." I love you. I love you. I love you.

"Well," Liz sighed, "time to hit the sheets, I think. It's almost eleven."

The three of us walked inside, and I followed Mom into her room. Worry lodged inside the deepest pit of my stomach, gnawing painfully.

"Can I get you anything?" I asked. "Some medicine, water, anything."

Mom sat down carefully on the edge of the bed, slipping off her heels. She massaged her own feet, and said, "Play with momma's hair, will you?"

"Okay."

And I did, for what felt like hours, although it probably had not even been one hour. Even when both of my arms were tired, even when Mom lay still beside me, breathing deep, steady breaths, I continued to play with her hair.

Eventually, though, Mom turned her head to face me. Her eyes were spidered with red, glazed with exhaustion, but her smile was bright anyway. "Thank you. You don't have to keep doing it."

Lying beside her, I propped my head onto my hand. "I want to. Just go to sleep. Goodnight, mom."

"Goodnight, love."

Mom closed her eyes, and she fell asleep.

♡

this is an important question. first, i need to tell you guys what happened. (it may be a little long, but if you'd read it, i'd appreciate it)

so, in spanish class, we had to partner up with someone. since my only friends in that class either weren't there or had switched out, i had to choose a stranger. there's this boy that seems like a loner, more to himself, and no one was partnering with him, so i did. we were supposed to ask a question (ex: what's your middle name, what's your favorite sports team). he's a sophomore, and i'm a junior.

i'd never talked to this guy before. the first question he asked me was, "will you go out with me?" i look at him weird, not having expected that . finally, i just said that i didn't know him (i was seriously ab to say 'ene' 'oh' to spell out no, but it seemed too mean). at this point, i was actually trying to be nice. he kept trying to say how i didn't have to know him to date him. i was like...um...yes, i do. come on now.

second question he asked was if i liked him. i told him no, i'd have to know him to like him. eventually, we finished, and i escaped back to my seat (all the way across the room). at this point, i'm creeped out, but just glad that i'm finally not sitting by him anymore. and THEN!!

this boy takes his stuff and moves to sit in front of me. basically, all he did was stare at me nonstop, so much that i ended up just glaring back at him until he'd look away. he kept telling me how beautiful i was and how i had beautiful eyes, and i thanked him for a while, but then he kept saying he knew he liked me. so i started telling him, "no, i , now will you please move back to your seat." he seemed a little hurt, and so i felt kind of bad, but i didn't show it.

this fucking boy picks up his stuff and moves into the seat beside me. at this point, i'm really getting mad, and people are starting to stare bc i'm raising my voice at him and not really being very nice. i wasn't trying to be a bully, just trying to make him realize i was serious. then he moved in front of me again, and i was sooo mad. i only got meaner, but he would not leave me alone for a n y t h i n g. can't tell you how close i was to throwing a few punches.