01/20/2016

chapter twenty-four ;

♡

Breaking me out of a deep sleep, something heavy fell over my back. Then something sharp dug in between my shoulder blades. At first I thought I'd been stabbed – but then he laughed.

"Luke," I grumbled, "get off me."

"Never."

I didn't have the strength to wriggle beneath him. Despite the sleep I had gotten, the exhaustion had not yet left. Rather, I lay still, allowing Luke to crush me. Part of me wished that he would.

Luke scoffed. "Why aren't you awake yet? You're fifteen now! Be happy about it!"

"I survived another year on this planet," I mumbled. "Not that great of an achievement. Everyone's done it."

"Okay, enough with the depressing stuff," Luke said, finally rolling off of me. "Today is your day to be happy, even if it's only a little bit. I'm going to make sure of that."

Finally, I turned my head to look at my brother. He was prepared for the day ahead, actually fully dressed for once, hair swept to the side. Luke met my eyes with a soft smile.

"How do you plan to do that?" I asked.

"First of all," he said, sitting up, "we're skipping school. Mom and Dad don't know this, so don't tell them – They're waiting for you downstairs, by the way, 'cause they have to leave for work. So, go get ready – quickly – and come downstairs. Okay?"

I sighed deeply. "Okay."

With one last smile, Luke ruffled my hair, and left the room.

My greatest desire was to close my eyes again, to escape to unconsciousness. But, because my family awaited me, I forced myself up.

Quickly I brushed my teeth, threw my curly mess of hair into a bun, and dressed for comfort: jeans, a gray SAMCRO hoodie, and the brown leather boots from Lynn. I realized that I wore the boots more often than not. They made me feel somewhat closer to Lynn.

After grabbing my phone, I realized that my texts had been blown up. How so many people remembered my birthday, I hadn't a clue. But I had friends from Tennessee and from California covering my screen.

I decided to actually acknowledge all of the birthday wishes later. I trudged downstairs, dreading the day ahead. Probably I would be getting a lot more attention, and I would be expected to appear excited and happy.

The better side of me hated myself. Hated Benny for putting me through this, for ruining every shred of happiness I'd possessed. It was unfair. Sure, Lynn died – we all felt that pain, but it didn't quite excuse the way he treated me.

Lost in my thoughts, my mind took a moment to register the sight before me. Halfway down the stairs, I realized that my parents were not the only people standing in the living room, awaiting my arrival. In fact, the room was nearly full.

Leah, Ivy, all of the Sandlot Boys – minus one – , Jordan, and Elizabeth. They all stood in place, eyes set on me, smiles on their mouths. Odd, I thought, how my friends were more excited about my birthday than I was.

"Oh," I frowned, confused. "I wasn't . . ."

Luke threw his hands in the air. "Surprise? I don't know, I wasn't expecting it either."

Bertram moved forward, ascending part of the staircase to meet me with a hug. Even a step beneath me, he was taller than me, and his embrace was crushing.

"Happy birthday, my best friend!" Bertram chirped, forcefully rocking me from side to side. "My best friend!" He shot Kenny a look before turning back to smile sweetly at me.

"Don't put me in the middle of this," I said, managing a light laugh.

Rolling his eyes, Kenny opened his arms. Immediately I escaped Bertram's arms and walked into Kenny's. At this Bertram spluttered, as if he'd caught a mouthful of leaves.

"What?" Bertram demanded, throwing his hands in the air. "This is preposterous!"

Surprisingly, this pulled a real laugh from me. But I had no time to truly react – a moment later, all of the remaining boys hugged me, aside from Jordan. I tried to hug them all back, to answer to each of them, and I refused to show how they were beginning to send me into a panic. It made no sense to me; I'd been attacked by all of the boys at once before, and it had never bothered me.

After Ham placed a kiss on my cheek – proud that he could simply lean forward to do so – I was approached by Jordan. He looked sheepish, cheeks beginning to go pink.

"Sorry to catch you by surprise," he said. "But happy birthday."

Jordan made no move to hug me, and I was relieved for it. But then . . .

The boy lightly touched a finger to his cheek. "Do you mind if I . . . ?"

Although I was fairly certain what he was asking and not very pleased about it, I nodded, pursing my lips. "Go for it."

Jordan leaned forward, briefly pressed his lips to my cheek, and then leaned to find my ear. "If you need to talk, I'm here."

"Thanks," I whispered. He pulled back and nodded, face redder than ever, and walked away.

Next came Ivy and Leah. While Leah was a more subtle and calm, Ivy peppered me with promises of a wonderful day. And all the while I couldn't help but to think how wrong she was to make these promises, promises that she could never keep. As far as I was concerned, the best thing I could feel was numb.

My parents were less wordy than the others. Only my mother seemed to understand how I was truly feeling. She flashed me a sympathetic smile, and said, "Pork chops. Ice cream. Cake. Movies. Tonight. Good?"

I managed a chuckle. "Perfect." That was the furthest thing from the truth.

Finally came Elizabeth. Her dark hair was pulled into a messy bun, her eyes ringed with bruise-like bags. It had been a while since the two of us had truly spoken. The sight of her broke my heart into a million pieces, not only because I could point out her resemblances to Lynn, but because she was clearly struggling with everything, as she had been for so long, and I didn't know how to help her.

A weak smile tugged at Elizabeth's lips, one that lasted only for a second. "Hey, Kayla."

My throat had closed up. The only thing I could manage was a shaky, "Liz."

Immediately the girl pulled me into a hug. This hug felt different than the others. She was not hugging me because it was my birthday. Liz and I both felt the losses, the severe depression that followed, and we were both lost. I could recognize that in her dark, dark eyes.

Everyone could have gone silent, and I would not have noticed. All of my attention was focused on Elizabeth and Elizabeth only. I tried so desperately to push the image of her hugging her mother's dead body and sobbing –

Elizabeth pulled away, fixed me with another weak smile. "We can talk after everyone's gone."

I nodded. "Okay."

♡

By nine o'clock, Elizabeth and I exited my bedroom. Tears streaked both of our cheeks, but we had managed to stop crying, for the most part. More than ever now she felt like my sister.

Luke awaited us downstairs, lounging on the couch, watching a movie on the television. But he heard our footsteps and quickly stood to his feet.

"Ready?" he asked.

"Yeah," I sighed, rubbing at my sore eyes. I glanced at Elizabeth. "Are you going to be all right?"

"Sure." Her lips pulled upward. "You don't know how good it feels to have gotten all that off my chest. I'll be better. Thank you."

We reached the floor, and I leaned to kiss her cheek. "Of course."

Luke could no longer look at us, and I finally understood why. As the three of us made our way to the front door, I frowned at the back of Luke's head.

♡

Steak 'N' Shake – that was Luke's first stop. He grinned at me and said, "Who wouldn't like to start off their birthday with a Nutella milkshake?"

Despite the dread that always seemed to follow me around, I mumbled, "You won't find me claiming not to."

Still smiling, Luke pulled the keys from the ignition. The two of us stepped out of the car, and even now the sweet aroma of Steak 'N' Shake filled the air. Stuffing my hands in the pocket of my hoodie, I started forward – and froze.

Luke noticed a moment later that I no longer trailed him. He stopped, turned to frown at me, and then followed the line of my sight. There, near the door, stood three boys and a girl.

The boy with dark, shoulder-length hair I recognized as Ezra Lakeman. At Kit's house, I had spotted him exiting the bathroom with a blonde girl – the same girl at his side now, her honey-colored hair flowing down her back. Ezra, the typical image of a bad boy, wore a black leather jacket, and he was smoking a cigarette. The blonde practically clung to his side, noting his every movement.

One boy I only faintly recognized, although I had no clue of his name. He looked purely Asian, but his hair, faded at the sides, rested on his head in waves dyed a dull gold. He, too, wore a leather jacket, though his was brown and worn.

And, finally, there was Benny. Compared to the other two boys, he seemed out of place. Or maybe that was just me, who actually knew him outside of this rebellious phase. Nevertheless, the sight of him sent shivers down my spine, tugged at the strings of my heart, and forced images to flash before my eyes.

I missed him so badly that the pain truly ate at me.

Luke sighed deeply. "Makayla, just ignore him. He isn't worth it."

Sighing, I forced myself forward. The boys and girl stood several feet from the doors, but it was easy for the blonde's eyes to flicker and rest on me. From the corner of my eye, I saw how she leaned toward Ezra and whispered something. He then looked to Benny, before turning to catch sight of me himself.

My muscles felt as though they had been hardened to stone. Every movement seemed a struggle. I hoped I didn't appear to be jerking forward, because that was how walking felt at the moment.

Just before the door closed behind me, I heard a light laugh. Luke, trailing behind me, eyed the group before disappearing inside with me.

In the morning, the restaurant was fairly comfortable, with hardly any customers. Most seemed to take the drive-thru in the mornings. Still, Luke and I sat at the bar, stepping onto the raised floor and settling into high seats.

The familiar waitress took our orders – only milkshakes – and left us alone to ourselves. I glanced at Luke, only to find that his jaws and fists were clenched.

"What's your problem?"

Luke shook his head. "I hate seeing his face, knowing what he's putting you through."

There was a pang at my chest, but I had become well at hiding it. "I'm all right," I lied. "Things are different, and I've accepted it. I'm not like I was."

He rolled his eyes. "Sorry, Kayla, but you're not that slick. All I have to do is look at you and hope you'll get better, because you're obviously not. And I'm supposed to just sit here and let it happen? I get he lost his mom and stuff, but in no way does that give him the right to put you through Hell when all you've done is try to help him – "

"Luke," I whispered, eyes widening. Past Luke, I saw him enter the building. His eyes were planted on the ground as he approached the second set of glass doors.

He was like a work of art, even now, despite the obvious change. Somehow he would always be beautiful, no matter what he had done, no matter what changes he made. I was sure of that. Why did I have to think so highly of him?

Luke's eyes did not move. He continued to stare at me, sighing deeply. "He's coming in, isn't he?"

Quickly I turned around, hoping that Benny had not spotted me spotting him. Heart racing already, I clutched at the fabric of my hoodie. Probably he just had to use the restroom, and surely he was aware of my presence, he had to be, but that didn't mean –

He plopped into the seat beside me, eyes set on the visible kitchen. Luke said nothing, but shamelessly glared at the other boy. At Benny.

I chanced a flicker of the eyes, but said nothing. Rather, I sank slightly back in the chair, attempting to act as though I hadn't even noticed him.

"Just wanted to say happy birthday," Benny spoke. His voice, still soft, was the sound of home.

After managing to mentally tear away the grip on my throat, I managed a gruff, "Thanks."

Benny looked at me then. From the corner of my eye, I noticed the cock of his eyebrows. "Are you mad?"

Eyes remaining ahead, I grumbled, "No."

His lips twisted into a smile. "Maybe I should change it to mad birthday."

"Well, that's fucking stupid," Luke spoke up. He did not bother to veil the venom on his tongue, did not bother to quieten his voice. "All right, you wished her a happy birthday. You can leave now."

At this Benny was taken aback. His brows furrowed, and for once, I allowed myself to look at him. Benny's red-eyed gaze had transferred to Luke. He reeked of marijuana.

"It was a joke," Benny said, sounding slightly surprised.

"A really bad joke." Luke met Benny's eyes with the same unrelenting glare. "Listen – let's talk outside. Kayla, you wait here for the shakes."

"Luke – " I protested, but was cut off by my brother's warning stare.

As Luke stood to his feet, he said to me, "Do what I said. It won't be long."

point of view.

The hopeless look on Kayla's face only enraged me further. For her, however, I contained myself. After the younger girl nodded her head in reluctant agreement, I turned and moved for the doors.

Of course, Benny followed me. Despite his life situation, I found it hard to find sympathy for the boy. Sure, he was a kid, an orphan now, but he was hurting my baby sister for it.

That just didn't fly with me.

Once outside, I whirled to face Benny. Off to the side, his friends remained in their previous places, although every eye turned our way. I didn't care. If I had to kick everyone's ass, I would do it. Oh, I would do it.

Benny leaned against the glass, just beside the door, and crossed his arms over his chest. He was clearly high, with the familiar careless air. But I would make him care.

"I don't know what the hell you think you're doing," I growled, "but stay away from my sister."

The boy's hands rose. "Already doing that."

"Not well enough." Benny's lips quirked, and my blood boiled over. "What, you think it's funny?" I snapped. "You think it's funny to break her down completely and watch her suffer? You little – "

"Break her down?" Benny broke in, now frowning. "Clearly she doesn't care. She hasn't tried to talk to me anyway. And did you not see her in there? She spoke to me like she hated me but was forced to be nice. She isn't broken down."

I shook my head in disbelief. "All the drugs fuck up your brain that much? You don't honestly believe that, do you? Maybe come back to reality and just look at her – " I broke off then, in order to calm myself.

Closing my eyes, I continued slowly. "Listen. If you're not telling her you're sorry or trying to make things right, then I don't want you near Makayla. All you're doing is hurting her more. As her brother, I won't stand for it."

The boy frowned down at the ground, picking at his nails like a guilty-ridden child. "I won't. I've been trying not to. It's . . . what's best for her, I think. But I would've felt pretty shitty if I didn't at least tell her happy birthday."

For a few moments, all I did was stare hard at the boy. The sight of him finally brought on small waves of sympathy. He was a kid, after all. I sighed.

"I know how much you loved each other," I said. "That kind of love doesn't just go away. Even if you really feel nothing for her at the moment, you have to know that it's not true. You'll realize it sooner or later. Just pull yourself together, man."

He continued to stare at the ground, mouth pursed. A moment of silence passed, and I glanced at the two boys and one girl. They were all staring at me. I cast a glare before entering the building again, leaving behind Benny.

point of view.

"Will you ever tell me what you said?"

Luke shook his head, licking his lips as he started the ignition. "No. Just don't worry about it. Let's focus on you today."

Sinking further into the passenger's seat, I turned careful eyes on Luke. "Well, since it's my day, I get to ask you something." Without giving him a chance to reply, I asked, "Do you have any romantic feelings for Elizabeth?"

Somehow Luke almost managed to wreck before even exiting the mostly-empty parking lot. He frowned, did not meet my eyes, and demanded, "Why would you ask that?"

"So you guys have kissed twice now," I continued. "The first one was you. The second one was her. You're with a cheating skank – way below Liz. You've been with her almost every day, comforting her and paying her bills and taking her out. And she, someone who doesn't throw around the word like it's nothing, confessed her love. And you're telling me you don't feel the same way."

Luke's cheeks had already gone tomato red. "I never said anything to you about that, so I'm not telling you anything. What, she told you all this?"

"With Lynn gone, she needed someone to vent to. She asked me not to say anything to you, but I just think it's bullshit. Luke, she's perfect for you."

"But I'm with Skylar," Luke groaned. "I'm not having this conversation with you right now."

"When's the last time you had a conversation with Skylar?"

Luke closed his mouth.

"Thought so." I sighed. "You're so dumb, Luke. She loves you. You love her. Should be simple!"

"Wha – I – " Luke spluttered. "I never said I. . . ." He slowed to a stop at the end of the parking lot.

"Look at me," I demanded. And when he briefly met my eyes, a real smile pulled at my lips. "Sorry, Luke, but you're not that slick. All I have to do is look at you. You're in love with her. So give her the happiness she deserves."

Luke was silent for the remainder of the ride.

♡

leon's birthday is in 2 days. he would have been 17. it's so crazy. it's all i've been able to think about.

September 20, 2017