H.

I sat back against the window sill as I let another bottle smash against the surface of the wall, watching as the pieces smashed and separated, littering the floor with shards of glass and the brown liquid sprayed the walls and covered the carpet.

"Fuck," I muttered, bringing my head in my hands as I tore my eyes from the debris at my feet, a final bottle beside me - the only one of the three remaining, since I'd smashed the other two.

I wanted to drink it, all of it. I wanted to drink every last drop from the bottle, and toss it aside with the others. I wanted to drink it all, and forget all of it - numb myself like I used to and move along, to not feel. The house was empty, and it was only me here - but I knew it wasn't long before Karen and Geoff came home to find the bombsite I'd made of my room.

I stepped forward, discarding the third full bottle of whiskey and heading towards the shattered glass, kicking at a piece with my boot. I crouched down, inspecting the stain beyond cleaning that lay at my feet, and I cursed again, kicking more shards aside. I stood up, heading for the bathroom and grabbing a bunch of toilet paper, pressing it down onto the stain in hopes to clear it, scrubbing it frantically - but to no avail.

I stamped on the screwed up tissues, running a hand through my hair and cursing just about every word under the sun, before striding towards my bed and flopping back onto the mattress.

God, I was a fucking mess. She was with him, I'd known that, and I'd come here with the expectation of seeing so - yet still, to hear her say it out loud brought a cloud to my mind, a knot to my gut, and a sickness to my stomach. I was so weak, it was fucking pathetic. To see her again, to watch her avoid eye contact with me at all costs, and watch her look me in the eye and tell me she'd moved on.

I wouldn't have believed her - not for a second. I knew when my girl was lying to me, and I knew when the things she said just didn't make logical sense. But her reasoning did make sense - she'd finally come to terms with the fact she was too good for me.

I'd know that all along - deep down I'd always known there'd come a day when she knew her worth, and realised what she deserved, and that just didn't happen to be me. I was nothing, and she deserved everything. She'd always denied it when I'd told her, always insisted that she didn't care who I was or what I had, because I was all she wanted - but I think deep down she knew. She knew that I could never give her what she wanted and what she deserved - staying together only prolonged the inevitable.

When I'd left her for that very reason, I knew she'd eventually come to see why. And for that I only had myself to blame - I've always known it, but I still grasped onto the hope that our love would be able to overcome all of it. But call me a fucking hypocrite, right? Because I'd left her, and this was only the result of that.

I felt sick. I didn't know who this Luke Hemmings guy was, but he made me sick. The fact he could make her happy, and I couldn't - that he could love her in a way she felt I couldn't, though I knew nobody could ever love her the way I do - my love for her was too strong. I didn't know who he was but I hated him - I hated him for being everything that I couldn't.

I blew out a breath, standing up from the bed and hurrying towards the bathroom. I leant over the toilet bowl, my stomach emptying itself as I gripped the surface - I hadn't eaten; there was nothing to throw up - all I could feel was the painful heaving of my stomach as it forced up whatever could be found, and I felt as if my guts were being viciously yanked at. I groaned internally, standing up from the toilet and kicking the bathroom door shut. I tugged my shirt off, and unfastened my belt, kicking my boots aside and reaching into the shower to turn it on. I pulled my jeans down my legs, before following with my underwear. As the shower heated, I finally stepped into it, the heat of the water coating my skin in such ecstasy. I tilted my head back, parting my lips and letting the water rush over my skin and wash away the lifeless colour it had possessed for days now; wash away each and every dark thought and memory. My eyes fluttered shut and my shoulders fell from their tense position, my muscles loosening and relaxing as I remained under the water bringing my hands to my scalp to coat my hair.

I remained under the water, still, for a few moments, my head finally clear of all haunting memories and fears, and recalls of the mistakes I made. And then I saw her face in my mind, my beautiful, beautiful Ana Grace came flooding back to my mind, and I was done for. My eyes stung, and I shook my head vigorously. No, you're not crying. Man the fuck up, stop it. I slammed my hand against the shower wall tiles, but I felt no pain as hot tears spilled down my cheeks only to fall and be mixed in with the water spewing from the shower head. I cried; I was crying. Every single pent up emotion I'd tried to compress into writing, drinking, breaking just about anything that seemed breakable was let out as I pathetically leant against the shower wall; crying like the man I never thought I'd become.

I had a smoke as soon as I got out of the shower; anything to bring back the momentary relaxation in my muscles, and even in my lungs. I took my place on the the window sill, taking slow inhales and exhales as the towel remained wrapped below my torso. I glanced towards my phone, taking another drag of my cig before standing up and heading through the doorway. I pushed open the door to Liam's room, not bothering to knock as he obviously wasn't there, as I shuffled around in search of it. I ran a hand through my damp curls, chewing on my lip as I scanned the room - aha, there it is. I grabbed his small, hand-held speaker from the table beside his bed, walking back to my room, balancing my cigarette between my lips as I placed the speaker down, connecting my phone to it. I opened up my music app, cursing repeatedly as it took an age to load with the Payne's shitty wifi, before it finally did. I scrolled through in search of the song, before I found it, clicking on it a little too hastily as the guitar chord immediately blasted through the speaker, and I didn't bother to turn it down.

I bit my lip as the song built, desperate not to start pathetically blubbering again as I returned to the window sill, taking a long drag from my cigarette - and all I saw was her.

'And if, you don't love me now, you will never love me again, I can still hear you saying you would never break the chain.'

"Ana Grace, did you know this was my favourite?" I sent her a grin, winding my arms around her waist as her body pressed to mine, a grin as wide as mine spreading on her own pink lips.

"A lucky guess," she mused, humming along as the chorus continued to sound from her record player in the corner, and her hands found my hair. We swayed ridiculously to the song, her giggling repeatedly into my chest as I belted the words over the song, her joining in every so often as we cracked jokes over the lyrics. We sang stupidly, as I lifted her from the ground and the guitar built even further up, and we both burst out laughing as it drew to a close, and she buried her head in my shoulder, continuing to laugh so beautifully.

'Chain keep us together.'

"H?" a voice startled me, as I took another long exhale, trying not to roll my eyes.

"What, Liam?" I asked irritatedly, tightening my towel around me as I stood up, turning down the speaker, not looking at him as I stubbed out my cig.

"Um - Niall and I are gonna go pick up something from ShakeShack, and we just wanted to know if you would maybe wanna come?" he asked, and I bit my lip. The idea of eating just made me want to vomit again.

"'m not hungry. You two go ahead," I said dismissively, returning to the window sill and staring down at the poorly-lit street as the rain continued to pour outside, the storm increasing.

"Are you sure? We could bring you back something."

"I'm sure."

He stepped into my room now, edging closer to where I sat by the window, "Can we talk, man?"

"You can, if you want," I shrugged, playing with a loose thread on the clean white towel I wore, and Liam took a seat opposite me on the large window sill.

"About Ana.." he began, and I chuckled bitterly.

"I don't care," I lied, trying to sound as nonchalant as possible, and Liam frowned.

"Don't give me that shit. I know what happened, and I know how much you love her," he pressed, and I scoffed.

"But she doesn't love me, Liam," I said simply.

"And that means you should give up? Sounds a bit stupid to me."

"Well, that's me Liam, and if you don't like it, you can fuck off," I narrowed my eyes, as his eyes widened a bit, but only a little - used to me by this point. Frankly, I wasn't sure why he stuck around - he gave me a place to stay, would always help me when I needed him to, was always there for me - yet I did nothing in return. I was an ungrateful mare, really.

"Shut up, Harry, and just listen for a second," he huffed, folding his arms, "Ana and Luke are not together."

I rolled my eyes, "Yes they are, she told me. Several times."

"Well, she's a sneaky little cow and she lied. She's trying to convince both you, and herself that she's over you. But it's clear that bitch ain't over shit," he explained, and I frowned.

"I don't get why she would lie," I asked, shooting him a puzzled look, "she said it herself - I'm not good enough for her."

"Oh my God, dude," Liam groaned, kicking my bare shin with his tattered converse, "What do you not understand about the fact that she. LIED-? She said that because she knew it would drive you away."

"I don't get why," I shook my head, exhaling deeply, "she's done with me, Liam."

"See, this is why you two are perfect for each other - you're both dumb as fuck. Listen, Luke is dating Tasha, not Ana, you daft prick - she told you that she was dating him because she was scared to take you back and get hurt again. She's been denying this heartbreak for months - Tasha told me." She'd really not been with Luke? She really wanted me?

"Bloody hell," I groaned, "that doesn't mean she-"

"She does, bro. Ana really loves you so much," Liam told me, and I couldn't deny the immediate fire I felt in my stomach at the idea of her still wanting me.

I nodded my head slowly, now unable to think of any logical actions to take at this moment - she loved me - fucking hell, she still loved me. That was all I'd wanted, all I needed - I just needed her to love me.

"So what the fuck am I supposed to do?" I asked, frantically, pushing my damp curls out of my face as Liam shot me a look.

"I'm gonna tell you the exact same shit I told your girl," he said simply, shooting me a small smile, "you need to figure out what you really want, H, and if that's Ana - so fucking be it."

-