There's a knock on my door. The sound almost startles me, lifting my head and tearing my gaze away from my phone screen. A disgruntled sigh slips through my lips before I remove the tangled sheets from my body. Drake's voice plays lowly throughout the room as I sit up, slipping on my slippers to head to the front door.

I wasn't expecting visitors; in fact, after the most recent stunt I pulled, I doubted anyone wanted to visit me. Leilani and Dahlia made their stance clear; Leilani hadn't responded to my text about that Younes tool, though he did look oddly familiar... so maybe I deserved the cold shoulder.

Scratch that, I did deserve it.

How long would I continue this lie? How long would I continue to lie to them about how I truly felt about Aiyana?

I muffle a groan and unlock the door, grunting when it's barged open, hitting the front of my chest. Expression contorted into a wince, I turn to glare at the culprit. I'm surprised to find both Dahlia and Leilani standing before me, little Jesmyn nestled between the two of them, hugging onto Leilani's legs.

Dahlia's face is blank; I can't read her well, but she doesn't greet me. Neither of them do, and again, I don't blame them.

Leilani keeps her gaze trained on the floor, one hand brushing Jesmyn's unruly curls back, the other firmly clasped around her shoulder bag. Can you watch Jesmyn tonight? Christmas is in three days and the least I want is for this family to spend one Christmas together... Do you think you can do that?She asks, though I sense the patronising undertone in her words. Do you think we can spend Christmas as a family, Judah?

I swallow the growing lump in my throat, but nonetheless, I nod. Beckoning Jesmyn towards me, I scoop her small body into my arms, shoulders relaxing when she curls her arms around my neck. You okay, peanut?

She slowly nods, murmuring a yes. I turn to Dahlia and Leilani, eyes pleading, though they shake their heads and get ready to brush past.

Can we talk? Please?I ask, trailing after them. Jesmyn's grip tightens around my neck, but Dahlia and Leilani make no intention to stop. I need advice,I finally blurt out.

Leilani makes no attempt to mask her disgust, raising an eyebrow as she turns on her heel. You want advice? Now? After all the damage you've done?

My embarrassment was eating me up, I'm not proud of what I've said, but yeah... I need advice. Can I have my sisters for two minutes? You can go back to hating me afterwards?

Do you even know why Leilani and I are pissed?

There's no room for me to speak; for once, I shut up and listen.

We're pissed because we know what it's like to want someone who pretends not to give a shit,Dahlia begins, raising a hand when I attempt to speak. We're pissed because we saw you spiral when Mammoth cheated on you; we're pissed because we saw you down, we saw you broken, we saw you at your worst, we say you when you were vulnerable... and look at you now! You're doing exactly the same thing that stupid, crusty bitch did to you. Only difference is, you're not the only one hurting-Aiyana is too. But Aiyana won't tell you she's hurting, because unlike you, she fucking cares about people, Judah.

Leilani continues, not wasting a second, You and Valentino have done nothing but hurt her, and you expect us to be okay with it? If you wouldn't want a man treating us the way you've done to Aiyana, then perhaps, you should rethink your decisions. You can cry about how sorry you feel for yourself, but Aiyana won't do that. She'll smile and pretend she's alright, when we all know she isn't-She pauses, exhaling heavily. -This all could've been avoided, Judah. All of it. Had you manned up and pushed aside your pride, you wouldn't be hurting right now, and neither would she.

How is she?My words are quiet, barely decipherable. I... I know what I did was wrong, and I- I regret it so much, and I want to be with her, but-

-Great, here we go again,Leilani mutters.

Let me finish,I huff, involuntarily clutching Jesmyn tighter. I want to be with her... I want to be by her side, but I don't think she'll forgive me anytime soon, and if it's not Aiyana for me, it won't be anyone else.

I wish you came to your senses earlier, idiot,Dahlia mutters, but not before swinging her palm across the back of my head. The whack that resonates throughout the hallway has me wincing, scrunching my face up in pain as a groan rips through my throat. You need to apologise to Aiyana, and I don't just mean through your words. It has to be through your actions too; it has to be sincere.

I know that... and I think I know how, but it'll be a long time before she even talks to me. I can't believe I'm even admitting this but I-my voice cracks, cheeks flushing as I squeeze my eyes shut, -I miss her so fucking much. I- I've lost count of the number of days it's been since we last spoke, and I'm so fucking angry at myself. There's no one on this Earth that hates me more than I do myself right now.

Because the more I replay her voice notes, flinching whenever I hear her honeyed-angel laugh, the more I re-read her texts, or flick through the number of photos we snapped, I get angrier. Angrier at myself, angrier at the way I behaved. Angry at myself for pushing her away when she's probably been the best thing to happen to me for a long fucking time.

And whilst I didn't deserve Aiyana, she didn't deserve my dickhead treatment-that was all on me; after much berating and arguing, I learnt that it wasn't going to solve any of my problems. It wasn't going to solve the insecurity that's been eating me up.

In all honesty, I don't know what came over me that night. I don't know if it was the stress of having to deal with a hysteric Kenji, my useless mother, or Valentino's restlessness, but seeing the message light up my screen had pushed me to the edge. I acted on impulse and hurt the one girl that actually cared about me. In fact, I don't think I've ever had someone care about me the way Aiyana does-did-not even my own mother.

And I want to be better for her.

And God, do I hate myself for acting like a fucking bastard that night; I know I don't deserve her forgiveness, but I'll be damned if I don't at least try.

She didn't deserve to be on the receiving end of my anger, and if I could turn back time, I would. I would tell her that it was all a lie-that I did care... so fucking much, that I only ever found peace and solace beside her, that I was a better person when I was with her-I would tell her that she does matter to me, that I do want to be with her.

Because I want to love her wholeheartedly, unconditionally, without restrictions. I want to fall in love with Aiyana Sen.

I want Aiyana.

All of her.

okay ignore the dates on the tweets cause it's all types of wrong, but here you go lads. if you recognised some of these characters, i love you. they just had to make a cameo lol. aaaaand i wrote 1k+ in less than two hours for this chapter SO IM HELLA PROUD OF MYSELF.

NONE OF IT IS PROOF READ TJO LMAOOOO

ENJOY BABIES 💕💕❤️❤️❤️💕❤️

also, judah or younes? aidah endgame?

ig: @friesandcries.wp

twitter: @yourstrulyxcj