There's a nagging voice in my head telling me I shouldn't go through with this. It's telling me that I've dealt with enough drama to last me a lifetime, and perhaps, I should sit this one out. I should focus on myself for once, yet I ignore all thoughts directing me to morality and sensibility and instead, choose to follow through with the most irresponsible thought that's been bugging me since last night.

I go against everything I've preached for.

And standing here-at the foot of the Savestano household-curled fist hanging in the air and ready to strike the door, I realise just how pathetic, and desperate, I'm beginning to look. I'm not here for Judah, nor am I here for Valentino; I'm here to set things straight, to make one thing clear: my forgiveness cannot be earned with money.

I am not weak. I am not easy.

Judah was playing a dangerous game, and if I didn't know any better, I'd say he was trying to win me over with expensive gifts. But gifts mean nothing if there's no change within his actions; I've never been a materialistic person, and that wouldn't change now. Had Judah really been sorry, had Judah really wanted a second chance, he would've spoken to me like the mature adult he is.

And I so badly want to give him another chance. I want him to be better, I want to be able to say that everything will be okay, but it's looking bleak. There would be no change anytime soon, and I wasn't a woman who would change a man for her own benefit.

That was all up to Judah.

After ringing the doorbell three more times for extra precaution, I decide to take matters into my own hands. I know either Valentino or Judah are at home judging by the football boots resting against the brick wall.

When I retrieve the key from under the loose brick to unlock the door, I'm greeted by deafening silence, or so I thought. I strain my ears for noise, hoping to catch even the slightest sound.

And then I hear it.

The sound of two furious, familiar, voices. My feet involuntarily drag me through the apartment hallway, halting at the foot of the open kitchen and living room area when I spot Kazuo, Cobie and a flustered Judah.

A gasp rips through my throat at the sight in front of me. Before I can protest, urging the three men to stop the commotion, Kazuo's arm rips through the air, fist colliding with Judah's jaw. The eldest Savestano sibling stumbles back, groaning in discomfort, but he makes no attempt to fight back in retaliation. No, his head hangs in shame, shoulders slumping as he mutters under his breath.

And it pains me to see him like this; I want to reach out, to be his helping hand, to tell him that everything will be okay. I want to berate my best friend for even thinking of laying a hand on Judah, because I've always hated violence. Yet as I approach the trio, hoping to de-escalate the situation, Cobie takes it upon himself to follow in his friends footsteps, matching Kazuo's right hook with his left.

My shouts of horror are drowned out, and I can barely hear my own voice, grimacing when instant regret coats Cobie's features, holding his fist in his palm. The three of them glance over to where I stand, drawing my brows together. With a frown on my lips, I make my way to their side.

What the heck are you both playing at?I seem to find my voice, but my words are shaky. Fingers curling into my palms, I trail my gaze from Kazuo and Cobie-neither of them seem proud of their actions-to Judah. His eyes don't meet mine, and after last night, I don't think I want him to. But he looks worse than when I saw him last, or maybe that's due to the current bruise decorating his skin. I understand you're pissed off at him, but he's your friend. That gives you no right to hurt him.

Kazuo scoffs at my response, rolling his shoulders before making his way to my side. He stops in front of me, leaning down before pointing towards a silent Judah, Anyone that disrespects you, or any of my friends, does not deserve my respect. Judah needs to learn his lesson, and whilst we're at it, so does Valentino.

Kazuo, stop!I attempt to waive his pursuit of Judah, grabbing onto his bicep. I appreciate it, but there's no need. I'm sure Judah's guilt is eating him right up. You shouldn't have to teach him a lesson; let him learn himself.

He grumbles faintly under his breath, but I can briefly make out the few Japanese curse words lingering in the air, as he turns his back to me. The glare he directs to Judah is enough to have any man running for the hills, but Judah doesn't budge. Instead, he drops to the couch beneath him, dropping his head in his hands.

His fingers run through his hair haphazardly, and I'm overcome with a sense of regret. It's Christmas Eve, and here we are, causing a commotion. Kazuo and Cobie shouldn't be here; I shouldn't be here. I should be with my family, and Judah should be with his.

There's so much I want to say, yet I stay quiet, choosing to turn to a sulking Cobie. I shoot him a sharp look, watching as he flinched away, a nervous smile playing on his lips. I expected more from you, Cobie.

And I expected more from Judah, but here we are,he shoots back. He sluggishly makes his way to my left, wrapping an arm around my shoulder as he leans into me. I make no attempt to throw him off, staring at the scene before me in disbelief.

Look, guys,I sigh, I appreciate and love you both for looking out for me, but you need to let me handle this on my own. This is between me and Judah; I'm sure we've all done things we're not proud of, so don't use that as an excuse to be violent.

No, it's fine...Judah's voice is quiet amongst, but his words were clear. I-I deserved that.

We know,both Cobie and Kazuo scoff.

Guys, please... I'm tired, and it's Christmas Eve. Judah should be with his family, not here having to deal with two imbeciles. You both should be with your family, too. We may not be on great terms, but everyone deserves to have a nice Christmas.I instinctively wrap my scarf around my neck tighter, clinging onto the soft material, the sudden realisation that it belongs to the man sat defeated before me. Yet, he takes no notice.

Cobie sighs dramatically, ...I hate it when you speak sense.

That's new,Kazuo, however, snorts.

On instinct, I raise my palm, striking the back of his head. You're entire existence is an absolute joke, Kazuo. Now, the both of you need to apologise and step outside to reflect on what you've just done.

He laughs mockingly, shaking his head. I'm not apologising. I have no reason to apologise. You stay safe though.

The pair leave without a second glance, mentioning that they'd be waiting for me outside. I take that as my cue to turn to Judah, the silence being our only comfort. I don't know where to start, I don't know how to begin, but whilst my mind is telling me to turn back before it's too late, my heart yearns to be in his presence.

Judah's head remains downcast, hair an unruly mess as he runs his palms down his face. Aiya- is... there something you needed?

Are you okay?I can't help but blurt out.

His silence is telling. Clearing my throat, I tentatively make my way to his side, choosing to stand a few metres away from where he sat. I should be asking you that... How-his voice cracks, swallowing thickly. How can I make things right? I've pissed off a lot of people... I hurt you, but I can't make things right. And I know, I know it'll take time. I don't expect you to forgive me any time soon, but I... I don't know.

The question throws me off guard. In all honesty, I don't know how to respond. I'm not sure of what to say, but I am sure of one thing.

You start by taking care of your siblings, Judah... I think they need you now more than ever; how are you meant to take care of them when you're sitting here sulking?I pause, the tip of my tongue darting across my lips as I shift my weight, You're better than that. Don't spend Christmas in this-I gesture to his appearance, state. Kenji and Jesmyn need you... And as for us, I think... I think I need time.

He looks to the ceiling as if I've told him his mother just died-still avoiding my gaze-but I hold my ground. I need to do this for myself. Chasing after a man that clearly doesn't know what he wants would only make me look like a fool, and I know what I want.

I need to go back to the beginning.

You need to heal, and I need space. I think... I think whilst you focus on your family, I need to focus on myself,it pains me to say it, but there's subtle relief behind my words. I- I don't know what it feels like to have a mother who neglects her children, but I understand it must've been difficult for you-especially dealing with Kenji and Jesmyn... I'll admit, I was wrong. I never should've pressured you to talk about where we stood, and I'm sorry if I caused you stress. That was never my intention.

The steadiness in my voice surprises me; this is our first proper conversation in a while. You'd think I'd be in a state, but if I'm honest, I'm quite proud of how I've held myself together.

Disbelief etched on his sharp features, he shakes his head in disagreement. You've never wronged me, Aiyana. You've stayed true to yourself. You've stayed kind, you've done so much for me, and I'll be eternally grateful,he pauses, pondering on his next words before releasing a bitter laugh. As for me, I've done nothing but hurt you. I know I don't deserve a drop of your kindness, but you've only proved time and time again just why everyone adores you. I hope... I hope one day you'll be able to forgive me.

My mind draws a blank at his words, unable to string together a coherent response as I stare down at him with wide eyes, nibbling on my lower lip in anticipation.

We're only human, Judah. We're all prone to making mistakes. It'll take me time, but I can't hold your past against you. We all deal with trauma differently, and perhaps it's time you learn to tackle your self-doubt head on-.The next words physically pain me to say, swallowing thickly as I do so, And when you're ready, when the time is right, I hope you'll be able to love again.

Yeah,he mutters lowly, You and me both... I'm sorry, Aiyana, I really am. I know words are meaningless without action, but I'll show you even if it's the last thing I do.

I can only admire his courage, nodding slowly as I take a step back. Judah is still sat on his sofa, his hands growing restless as the clock ticks. He still hasn't looked up yet, and I'm afraid that when he eventually does, the both of us will break.

I'll hold you to that,I say, fingertips gliding along the seams of the neatly wrapped gift in my hands. Look, Judah... no matter what we've been through, no matter what's been said, I hope you know that you still have a friend in me. You've never lost that.

I don't-I suppose that's meant to make me feel better,he says to himself. Thank you, Aiyana.I don't deserve your kindness, but thank you.

To remain kind during difficulty took strength and courage-my mother taught me that-and I've always tried my best to embody it. Whilst I could be kind, it did not mean I should allow myself to be trampled over. I had my boundaries; I knew my boundaries, and after tonight, it'd be the last time I let someone take me for granted.

I lift and lower a shoulder, Everyone needs a friend.

Debatable.

Typical.

His response makes my lip twitch up into a soft smile, rolling my eyes. Look, about the letter... I'll be returning the tickets. I appreciate the gesture, but you should invest your money into something more appropriate.

Reaching for the envelope holding the plane tickets, I position it face down onto the coffee table, sliding it across the surface towards Judah. The action catches his attention briefly, lingering on my hand, and it's only then that he trails his eyes along the length of my arm, our eyes colliding.

God, I just want to hold him.

It almost feels like someone's knocked the wind out of me as I stare into his stormy eyes-duller than usual-watching as they widen in an indecipherable emotion. His Adam's apple bobs as he looks from my face to my hand, still laying flat on the table.

No, keep it. Think of it as an early birthday gift,he mumbles. It's the least I can do for you. Please.

I can't, Judah,my voice shakes, barely above a whisper, as I hold his gaze. I can't.

Take it. It's yours. I couldn't give you what you wanted, so let me fulfil at least one of your wishes before you leave.

A part of me wants to deny him, but when I see the defeated look in his eyes, I nod. Alright.

I use this moment to settle the gift bag on the coffee table, noticing how his eyes widen and glaze over at the sight. He tries his best to keep his emotions at bay as I struggle to make out exactly how he's feeling; he doesn't give away much, instead choosing to turn his head away.

Merry Christmas, Judah.

Those are my parting words when I leave his apartment; there are no final glances, no running back to confess as I bid farewell to what could've been.

Cobie and Kazuo linger around the nearest corner, waiting for my arrival. The pair instantly reach out to me for a bear hug, and I immediately oblige, stepping forward as they wrap their arms around my shoulders. My body goes slack, leaning into the warmth of Kazuo's body.

Cobie's the first to break the silence, resting his head on my shoulder. Kazuo ruffles my hair, murmuring how proud he is as Cobie asks, Are you okay, bub?

I don't feel like I'm carrying the weight of the world. And for the first time in a while, I smile.

I think I will be.

hELLOOOOOO. ITS BEEN A HOT MINUTE. HOW IS EVERYONE??? HOPE YOURE ALL WELL. I MISSED YOU. THIS CHAPTER IS TERRIBLE AND NOT PROOF REAF OMG SO SORRH. ITS THREE AM?? IDEK WHAT THE TIME IS BUT HERES AN UPDATE.

ALSO THANK YOU FOR 400K??? WHAT THE FAWK FHATS CRAZY. I LOVE AND APPRECIATE YOU ALL. EVEN YOU LITTLE GREMLINS THAT NAG ME FOR UPDATES (JKJK I LOVE YALL EQUALLY) THANK YOUUUUU ❤️❤️❤️

Did y'all enjoy this update? IS THIS THE END??? WHAAAAAT?? (No it's not) but yeah idk what to say. I've had a crazy last few months so that's the reason for a lack of updates.

n e ways, what do we all think is going to happen next???

😙

follow me on ig: @/friesandcries.wp for more updates woooo