I will be the first to admit that I fucked up when I told Thembisa that I wanted us to break up. I'm an idiot for ending things with her when all she wanted to do was to help me. I was hurting at the time so I turned to alcohol and weed to numb that pain so when she spoke to me, I wasn't in my right mind. It wasn't until I was sober when I realized that I had truly messed up because I saw her engagement ring and the key I had given her on the kitchen counter plus the drawers where she kept her clothes were empty.

I feel so bad because I shouldn't have taken out my frustrations towards my father on her because she was innocent. I've been trying to get ahold of her but she hasn't been picking up and I understand why but I have to speak to her and right my wrongs. Today happens to be the day of her grand opening which is at 12pm and I'm planning on getting there around 3pm so we can have a private conversation when there aren't too many people there.

I leave my office around 14:30 and I stop by a florists shop so I can get her flowers just to say congratulations on the grand opening and hopefully make her less upset than she probably is. I get her a dozen red roses mixed with some sunflowers and I get her a note. I head to her new store feeling slightly nervous because I don't know how she will react but I hope for the best. I walk into the store and it looks absolutely amazing. I'm really proud of Thembisa because of the transformation that has taken place here because it looked terrible some months ago.

I get a few looks from women when I walk into the store because it's not everyday that you see a man in a lingerie shop but I could care less. I spot Thembisa at one of the racks and she is busy fixing something so I walk up to her and clear my throat so I can get her attention. She turns around and she looks beautiful as usual. Her hair is in an afro, her makeup looks effortless and she's dressed in a red pant suit with a white shirt and nude stilettos. Being in her presence makes me want to kick myself in the back because I cannot believe I messed up with a woman like her.

"Hey Thembisa." I say feeling slightly nervous.

"Hey Kofi, what a nice surprise."

"I wouldn't miss this for the world."

"It kinda reminds me of the night my business launched when you showed up and said the exact same thing." she says and I smile.

"Well I brought you these flowers just to say congratulations on reaching this milestone. I know you have been dreaming of having your own store and I'm proud of you for doing this on your own."

"Thank you Kofi. I really appreciate it."

"I was wondering if you have a bit of time right now so we can talk about what happened."

"Well let me just talk to my employees quickly then we can go to my office and talk." I nod before she leaves me and goes to where her employees are standing.

She gives them a quick brief before she turns towards me and gestures for me to follow her to her office. I walk into the office and it suits her to a tee. You can definitely see hints of her personality in her office decor yet it has sophistication to it. She sits down in her huge office chair while I sit in front of her and we just sit in silence for a little because I honestly don't know how to start the conversation.

"So, how have you been since the last time we spoke." she starts.

"I've been doing much better. I just want to start off by apologizing about my behavior the last time we saw each other. I was high and drunk but that's still no excuse for me to act the way that I did because you were just trying to help."

"I wasn't trying to bother you, I just wanted to make sure you were okay because you had been ghost for a couple of days but I guess you didn't need my company."

"I don't want you to feel like you were the problem because that's not the case."

"Well that's how I felt." she adds making me feel beastly.

"My father made an appearance into my life after twenty four years and I didn't know how to deal with my frustrations so I took it out on you. He showed up to my office unexpectedly, telling me that he wanted to build a relationship with me and that messed me up because he thought an apology would be enough for me to forget all the things he put me through."

"I'm so sorry Kofi. I can only imagine how you feel right now."

"As much as I loath him, I feel like the longing I had for him to come back into my life has somewhat been fulfilled you know."

"I completely understand what you're saying and I'm sorry you've been going through this alone. Even though we're no longer together, you can always talk to me if you want someone to vent to because I know how heavy this is."

"Well, you haven't been picking my calls so I couldn't talk to you." I say and she softens her face.

"I just needed a bit of time to process everything that happened between us."

"That's actually what I came to talk to you about. I regret ending things with you because you were honestly the best thing that has ever happened to me. I wasn't in my right mind when I said those things but I quickly sobered up when you left and realized that I needed to make some changes."

"What are you saying Kofi?"

"I'm saying I want you back Thembisa." I confess and it goes quiet for a moment before she finally speaks.

"I love you so much Kofi but I don't think us being in a relationship right now is the best thing. Kofi, this is not the first time this has happened. Remember my birthday getaway weekend when you shut me out now this. How do I know that you won't continue to shut me out everytime things aren't going your way."

"I promise that I'll be more open about my feelings this time around and not shut you out."

"As much as I would love that, I think you need to heal from your past Kofi. Even if we got back together, the things that occurred in your past will continue to haunt you until you make that choice to deal with it. Lets use this time to work on bettering ourselves so that if we do get back together, we won't have the same issues recurring."

"So does that mean we're done for good?"

"For now we are, if it's meant to be then it'll be."

"I came here thinking I would get a different answer but I have to respect your choice. Before I go, I just want you to know that I still love and that I will do my very best to win you back because I know you are the one for me even though I messed up."

"I still love you very much so."

"Well, I should get going then. I love what you did with the place."

"Thank you. Take care of yourself."

"You too."

I leave her store feeling some type of relief because I thought the idea of us getting back together would be completely shut down, however she said there's a possibility that it may happen someday. Thembisa deserves the very best and I want to make it my mission to be the best that I can be and that involves me speaking to a professional, as well as me speaking to my father so I can get the answers I need in order for me to move on with my life and not be stuck on that nightmarish chapter. When I get home it's 4pm and I decide to make an appointment with a psychologist for Monday after work. I hope that this step that I am taking is going to be beneficial to my mental health.

... a few days later

It's Monday after work and I'm in a psychologists office filling in my details on a form I was given by the assistant. Once I fill in all my details, I am called into a room where I am greeted by an older man in a tailored navy blue suit with a white shirt and a blue and white polka dotted tie. He shakes my hand and gestures for the couches opposite him. The office has drawings of the brain, facts about the human mind and the blue paint seems to bring my mind at ease.

"It's a pleasure to meet you Kofi. My name is Dr Andrews."

"It's nice to meet you too. Is it normal to feel slightly nervous?"

"It's very normal, most of my clients express how nervous they felt when they came to their first session which is understandable because you're opening up to someone who is unfamiliar to you."

"You're absolutely right."

"Before we start, I just want you to give me words that describe the state of your mind."

"Clouded and chaos."

"And why is that?"

"I'm stuck between wanting to forgive someone for what they did in the past and not wanting to give them the time of day because what they did hurt me to my core."

"Alright. We'll unpack that later but I want to know what brought you here."

"I have so much bitterness towards my father and I would like a professionals opinion an help on how I can resolve it. I tried this before but it did go far because at the time I wasn't ready to open up so it just felt like a waste of time and money."

"Therapy tends to get a lot of terrible reviews because people think it's only for people that have issues but that's not the case. Talking to someone especially when you have something lingering on your mind has been proven to make you feel so much better because if you repress those feelings, it will cause harm in the long run. So you coming here is a step in the right direction and I applaud you for that."

"Well, I think I've already messed up due to this anger that I've been holding in for a long time."

"How so?"

"My fathers unexpected return caused me to turn to drinking heavily so I could numb the pain and forget about what I experienced. In so doing, I hurt the womam that was riding for me the entire time. I didn't mean to tell her that I no longer wanted her in my life but the alcohol... the alcohol fucked me up." I say and he scribbles something on his clipboard before he speaks.

"From the assessment I have made, I don't think you have anger issues like you had ticked on your form, but you struggle with expressing your emotions which results in you blowing up because you would have kept it in for long. What I aspire to help you with is for you to be able to deal with your emotions and for you to have emotional intelligence. Are you familiar with that term?"

"I'm familiar with it but I don't really know much about it."

"Emotional intelligence is the ability to manage your emotions without letting them take over you. As humans we tend to let our feelings get the best of us but we need to know how to manage those feelings so they don't control us but some people struggle more than others. You spoke about how your past visiting was the catalyst that led to the breakup. Had you known how to manage those feelings then you would have been able to express yourself to her instead of turning to alcohol. You used alcohol as a coping mechanism which was good then but it didn't do you any good."

"Okay doc."

"This is the end of your session but I'd like to know how you feel after your first session."

"I feel okay. I came here thinking I would hate every minute of it but you've made me feel comfortable and I didn't feel judged by you because that was one of my fears coming into this."

"I'm glad you feel comfortable enough to open up to me about anything and I can assure you that whatever is said in these four walls will stay here."

"Thank you Dr Andrews. I will be seeing you soon."

"Take care Kofi."

I leave his office feeling that burden I have carried for years no longer on my shoulders. I should have done this earlier but I had this misconception that therapy was for people that have some deep issues and I didn't realize how much I needed it until I saw how it was affecting me. Truth be told, I was conditioned into thinking that men should be strong and just hide their emotions which is something I did for a long time.

However, I have come to realize that looking for ways to numb pain is good in that moment but it doesn't help in the long run. Any kind of trigger and you find yourself turning to your ways of coping with it which isn't healthy. In all honesty, I had decided to do this so I could win Thembisa back but after sitting with Dr Andrews, I realized that I have to do this for me. The journey of learning to love yourself involves a lot of uncomfortable conversations and changes but if the end result makes you learn to fully accept yourself and all your flaws, then it is definitely worth it.

The radio plays as I'm driving home and I can honestly say I am at peace with myself. Being around Thembisa is what used to give me peace but me being alone right now gives me the serenity I always yearned for and it's a sign that I am on the right track. Part of my healing involves me have a one on one conversation with my father so I can talk to him more calmly than I did because I was clouded with fury at that time. I'm not ready for that right now but someday I will be able to sit down and talk to him.