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The moment you come to a stop outside the coffee shop that sits a few blocks away from the Physics Research Building, you know you've screwed up.

There was no way around it now, no going back. No matter how many times you mulled over the situation, this seemed to be the only plausible outcome with the least damage taken to your pride. Though ultimately, it all depended on the possibility that your ex-girlfriend could even consider giving you the time of day to even hear your proposition out and not cast you back outside into the humid air of March without a second thought. You probably would have done the same thing to someone that broke 2 years of a relationship and many more of friendship in less than five minutes.

You don't know how to calm your nerves as you wait for her to finish her shift. Lord, it's been months since you last saw her face-to-face. You'd only seen her in passing a few times here and there, after all, your friends used to be her friends and some of them still were but you'd done your part in refraining from group activities in the hopes that the atmosphere wouldn't drastically descend into a pit of awkwardness and silence. You consider it as doing a favour for her, and for you.

Taking a deep breath, you hope to regain a sense of balance. The only reason why you're standing outsideㅡ in the stuffy air that comes with spring, was because you had omitted an enormous part of your relationship status to your mom. You hadn't really thought it important to call your family and tell them that you and Jungeun were no longer a thing. Of course, you didn't mean to not inform them but then again, you didn't necessarily make it a priority either.

Your family had always been big on huge get-togethers and Lip being your close friend ㅡturned girlfriend, automatically invited her to everything your parents hosted.

Now it was almost Easter ㅡyou'd spend the last two with Lip, driving the seven hours back home together and stay with your loud family for two days. Usually, it didn't bother you how tight-knit your extended relatives are but ever since your mom told you that your great-grandmother was going to be around this year, you couldn't find it within yourself to tell her that Jungeun would not be coming along. She basically worshiped her, loved her through and through with that frail heart of hers. As if in a state of dissociation, you heard yourself say "Yeah, we'll be there. Don't worry," before you could even think twice about it.

Afterward, you just wanted to crawl up in a hole and die. The entire situation was ridiculous and you hated yourself for not letting your mother know the truth. Yes, your great-grandmother would be devastated but anything was better than having to stuff your tail betwen your legs and ask Lip for help. You could almost picture the look of disinterest in her eyes when you asked for the favour. She'd never beem good at hiding her emotions, something you found odly endearing at first. Her eyes always seemed to explain more than words ever could. It's been even longer since your last full coherent conversation with her. You tried asking her about the unimportant thingsㅡschool, work. The only problem is that Lip hated small talk, essentially sweeping any chance at a normal interaction under a rug.

Breathe, Y/N, you thought to yourself as you sat down on one of the benches scattered around. She was one of your best friends or had been, for the longest time. You wondered if she still had that claim after almost half a year of radio silence. Admittedly, you shouldn't have cut her off completely but you did what you thought was best. There had been times where you were tempted to call her, talk to her ㅡanything reallyㅡ you had missed her voice, her advice, her jokes, her quirks.

Since you had also decided that alienating your mutual (and only) friends was the best option, you were left alone like a forgotten toy that soaks up dust and grime in a box on the top shelf of an attic.

Somewhere along the line, you'd given up on making friends altogether. All you wanted was to survive, get accepted to a good college and find people to connect with there.

As always, your relationship with her started with little things. In class, when you forgot your stationary she'd offer her's. You didn't know eachother that well at the time but you somehow felt magnetized to her. Then, Jiwoo would host these parties at her enormous dorm where everyone just sits on the floor and drinks, making your encounters with her much more frequent. She seemed distant at first but after a few shots she would eventually open up and start blabbing about the first things that come to her mind.

"Hey Y/N, you look extra pretty today." Her eyelids drooping with every slurred word as she put her arm around you, face extremely close to yours.

"So are you insinuating that I don't usually look pretty?" Her smile dropped at your words, looking like she was about to cry. "Y-you really are something." A pout rested on the top of her lips before she opened her (very pretty) mouth to ask you, "Can you please write your number on my arm? I'd like to keep you around."

Your racing heart echoed into your brain but before you could even do anything Miss Kim Lip herself had already dozed off on you, her sleeping face safely buried in your neck.

Needless to say, you and Hyejoo took her back to her dorm, not forgetting to write your phone number on a neon sticky note and leaving it on her desk. That night you left the apartment building with an empty stomach but a full heart.

Now that you think about it, you wonder what would’ve happened if she never asked you that night. What if you had just left her room without leaving anything? Maybe you wouldn’t be in this situation. Maybe you wouldn’t have so many memories that you had desperately but failed to forget. Shaking your head you bring yourself back to the present. There was no use reliving memories that you should have buried somewhere out of your reach.

Turning your gaze back to the shop in front of you, you wonder if she’s even in there. It had been four months since you’d last stepped foot into C.Through Café . You weren’t even sure she still worked the morning shift on Friday’s anymore. It’ll be a mess if she changed her working hours but you’ll take it as a sign. If she wasn’t here then God was telling you to stop! and think over your plan again.

You didn’t believe clean breakup’s existed. At least you’d never seen it happen. Even if both parties were amicable and free of malice, it did nothing to relieve the tension that sat like a heavy cloud in every discussion. It was like walking on shattered ice, you were sure it’ll melt over with time especially because you and Jungeun had been good friends before you transpired to become something more, but you couldn’t wait for something you weren’t even sure would happen.

Sighing, you fish your phone out of your coat pocket and check for any new messages. Hours ago you had asked for emergency reassurance from the one group of friends you were sure wouldn’t bullshit you and give you false hope. Vivi had given you a thumbs up telling you that the worst outcome was Lip being pissed at you for showing up at her workplace. Haseul, however, didn’t feel the same way. She had explicitly told you that it was public property, therefore, you could do whatever the hell you wanted as long as it was within reason. While Heejin didn’t really care as long as you came back to the apartment in one piece.

You stand up and begin to pace, your nerves quickly returning just as fast as they had gone. Your thumbs hover over the keypad; ready to type something witty to the group chat about being here an hour early when your phone chimes with a new message.

Jungeun: You’ve been standing there for thirty minutes. You think I might be cold hearted but even I wouldn’t want you to freeze to death out there. [1:17 pm]

You stare at your phone like it was the most bizarre thing known to man. In your shock, you had thrown your phone high in the air and had to fumble a bit before you safely cought it in your fingers. You bite your lower lip as you try to calm your nerves. Despite all the warnings going off in your head telling you to halt and abort the mission, you don’t stop your fingers from typing back a reply.

You: We need to talk [1:21pm]

Jungeun : This situation seems awfully familiar, don't you think? [1:22 pm]

The temptation to throw your phone across the Atlantic Ocean is overwhelming. She wasn’t going to slow her tide against you. You had ignored all her calls for weeks and her texts for even longer. There was, figuratively, nothing left to talk about. You whipped your head up and stared directly through the glass windows of C.Through Café. Now that you were sure she could see you, you became more self-conscious than before.

You : I know what you're thinking, it's not about that. I swear [1:24pm]

Jungeun : You have no idea what I'm thinking, Y/N [1:26pm]

You : Well, whatever it is, I'm not here to talk about that. [1:27pm]

Jungeun : ... [1:27pm]

You could almost feel the unbalance in the air. She wasn’t going to agree to meet you, why would she? She most probably wanted nothing to do with you. Since you’d withdrawn from collective activities that included her, you had no reason to talk to her. All she had to do was ignore you and continue on with her life. You were ashamed but you still hoped she wouldn’t completely disregard you.

Jungeun : I get off at 2. Do what u want

You take a sigh of relief as you sink back onto your previously occupied bench. The conversation would be awkward, you know that, but at least she didn’t completely shut you out. Deep down you realize that your reasoning for being here isn’t as concrete as you would like. Deep down you realize that maybe a part of you is just self-indulgent and wants a reason to see her.

Four months ago you hadn’t been your best self, and no matter how many fictional books you’d read, you’d come to the realization that a significant other could not heal you. You weren’t where you wanted to be. All you were doing was dragging yourself and Lip down. Maybe she didn’t mind your attitude or your mental fatigue but you did. You needed time to find the best version of yourself that you wanted. You wish you had explained it all better to Jungeun but uncharacteristically of you, you were afraid, you were terrified.

You force yourself to stop thinking for the next few minutes till Jungeun’s shift ends. You just want silence. Peace. You’re tired. Breaking up is tiring and it’s even more exhausting to try and put your friendship back into the equation. You bend your neck and stare at the skies. With finals closing in next week, you wonder if this is a good time to approach Lip. Well, if not now then when?

Time goes by faster when you’re too busy staring idly at the clouds overhead, squinting your eyes at the wispy horizon, trying to plan your next course of action. How do you even start the conversation?

There’s absolutely no proper way to bring it up but before you find a concrete solution, something—or rather someone—stands in front of you; blocking the sun from shining on your face. Your body whips up to attention and you’re looking directly into one of the brownest eyes you’ve ever seen.

You clear your throat to buy time. Fuck, you didn’t think she’d still have such an effect on you. You’d thought, albeit naively, that because of time you wouldn’t feel the same as you always did. Like there were magnets within the two of you that just had to attract. It’s almost as if time never passed, you are here and so is she. You push yourself up from the bench and take a deep breath.

She looks the same and yet not. Her hair is still brown and straight againts her showlders but she has grown it out, her frame is still tall and graceful. She still has that heart-stirring look in her gaze but among that she seems more aloof and detached. You lick your lips anxiously.

"We need to talk," you repeat. The rehearsed words come out of you with a swift.

"About?" She raises one of her eyebrows, looking down at you.

There’s a tiny pause. Jungeun hates small talk but that seems to be the only thing your brain is willing to do. “How’s school?” You say and you feel like you died a thousand gruesome deaths.

“Is that really what you want to talk about?” Jungeun smiles jeeringly at you.

No. It’s not. You intertwine your fingers together, begging yourself to say what you need to and go on your merry way.

“It’s nothing serious, honestly. I just…” your voice trails off and you have to remind yourself that Jungeun is one step away from walking off. “So like, I know we broke up and everything but uh, funny story, I haven’t told my family yet and they just assumed you’d be coming home with me for Christmas and I really don’t know how to tell them and I know this is really really selfish on my part but I can’t bear to break my great grandma’s heart like that, she’ll probably have a heart attack, you know how she is and—”

"Okay."

“Wait, what?” your eyes bulge out of their sockets. This isn’t… this is not what you were expecting. You were expecting resistance. The wrath of a hundred storms, a simple no, sarcastic silence as she waits for the punchline. But just an ‘okay’? You’d never thought of an outcome that came out like this.

Lip sighs as she runs a hand through her hair, messing it up. You see now that she’s still wearing her white employee blouse and a pair of black jeans. She cocks her head to the side. “I’m going home for Christmas anyways. Doesn’t help that your mother called me a few days ago to ask if you and I were still coming because you’ve been ignoring her calls.”

The wrench in your gut twists deeper. “I’m so sorry. If you feel uncomfortable doing this because it might be awkward as hell, I can tell my parents that we’re not together anymore.”

“It’s only awkward if you make it that way Y/N,” she scoffs, resting her hands on her waist. “Besides, it’s just two days and then you can do the honors of breaking your parent’s hearts.” Jungeun states simply, like maybe she’s discussing how warm the weather is.

“You’d seriously do that? For me?” You can’t help but ask, still in disbelief.

For one moment there’s a smile on her face but it’s gone so fast that you think it to be a figment of your imagination. “I don’t know. I’m surprised myself actually, you caught me in a good mood.”

That’s all the reassurance you need. You hopes he stays in a good mood for the rest of the week. You feel so delighted that you jump a little on the spot. Your heart has calmed down a little now that you’ve gotten the words out.

“Thank you, Thank you so much,” you say, smiling eagerly at her. “I’m very sorry for asking you to do this, Jungeun.”

It takes a few moments before she answers you, and for the first time since you’d seen her that day, a smile eases its way onto her face and she doesn’t feel the need to hide it.

“I don’t know if you remember Y/N, but you’re my best friend. I’d do anything for you.” She smiles again.

The words leave you stunned as the threat of crying becomes a real possibility. Everything you had expected is not happening. She still has such a clasp around you, dragging you through the clouds like its nothing. Carving a part of your entire being just for her.

Somehow, you know those words mean something so much deeper than pretending in front of your family for a few hours.

Her soul, as always, holds more weight than you could ever lift. However, this time, you want to pour everything you have and are into it and lift it off the ground.