The rest of Christmas flew by. When I finally joined everyone back downstairs it was time to make breakfast. No one questioned where Knox and I were but the knowing look that Jackson gave me made me flip him off which only made him laugh.

After breakfast we spent most of the morning sitting around. Sophie and Charlotte played with their endless toys, while the rest of us drank more coffee and talked. We talked about everything and anything and we even brought up stories about dad. Stories that made us all laugh despite the ache that he wasn't here to enjoy this day with us.

It had started to snow a bit earlier so around noon everyone bundled up and went outside. And true to Christmas fashion an all out snowball fight started. No one was safe as we all, including my mom, threw snow at one another. We were all yelling and laughing so hard I wouldn't be surprised if the neighbors could hear us.

When I somehow hit Knox in the face I ran away laughing only for him to easily catch me and swing me around. The smile on Knox's face was the realest, most genuine smile I've ever seen on him. He was enjoying every bit of this. In a way being here was his own therapy in dealing with his parents death. When he went over to hug his sister I knew that bringing them here helped them just as much as it did me.

Once we are all too cold to function anymore we piled back inside for more hot chocolate and food. I had to stop myself from laughing when Knox tapped my leg three times when my mom kept pushing him to eat more food. The system I had with my dad coming in handy.

Knox and I were pretty much glued to the hip most of the day. Even when I was off talking to anyone else I felt his eyes on me. We would look at each other and share a grin before turning away.

The rest of the day went by so fast that before we knew it was dinner time. When we sat down to eat a bit later we were all sit sitting in our PJ's but none of us cared. Not as we laughed and talked loudly all through dinner.

It wasn't too long after we settled back into the living room did things start to die down. Sophie was pressed against Jackson on the couch sound asleep, while Charlotte was cuddled up next to Knox, a stuffed animal in her arms. The two so worn out they could barely eat dinner.

With it being such an early morning and busy day we all sat around quietly talking. The hectic day catching up with all of us. I was leaning onto the opposite of Knox, quietly listening to my mom tell Olivia and Knox the story of how my parents met.

For the first time in...well for the first time since my dad got sick, I felt happy. Completely and utterly happy. I was spending christmas with my family and with two people that randomly came into my life at the right time. Happy that I was finally seeing I needed to heal. Needed to get over the guilt that plagued me.

Laying here on the couch surrounded by everyone I cared about I slowly felt the part inside of me that was broken start to mend itself.

The next day was hard, very hard. It was the anniversary of my dad's death and the second I woke up I felt like crap. A year ago I was sitting in the hospital waiting for news only to hear he had passed. That my kidney had failed him. This time last year I was...numb. I felt like a zombie just walking around.

That day was just a blur. I remember seeing my dad and saying goodbye but that's about it. One second we were at the hospital and the next we were home. I later found out we spent two days at the hospital, none of us having slept either.

Now a year later it still feels so fresh. Being here in the house didn't feel the same without him in it. And today seemed to make it all worse. I cried in the shower but after that I was once again numb. I could tell I freaked Knox out when I didn't say a single word, not even when he teased me.

When we came down for breakfast I could tell my mom had been crying. Her eyes were puffy and red and she lacked her usual luster. Even Jackson was quiet only saying two words.

None of us wanted today to be here. Yesterday was amazing but today just seemed to smack us all in the face. I knew today would be hard. I knew everything from that day a year ago would come rushing back. I just hadn't expected it to hit that hard.

Lucas and Annie came over as it neared 11 o'clock, the two of them just as somber as the rest. It was crazy how we could all go from smiles and happiness yesterday to literally emptiness.

Poor Knox and Olivia had to be front and center to our grieving. It didn't seem fair to make them be around us when they themselves had lost their parents but as horrible as I was I couldn't bring myself to tell them to go and do something else.

I did try to tell Knox he didn't have to be here but the words had barely left my mouth when he stopped me. All he did was take my hand and pull me close telling me he wasn't going anywhere.

Around noon all of us went to the cemetery. It was the first time in months I had been here and as soon as I walked up to his gravestone I felt like I was going to break under the weight of guilt on my shoulders. I should have come sooner but I was too much of a coward.

One by one we all took turns talking to my dad. The only light that seemed to shine was Sophie and Charlotte. The two of them giggled and played in the snow, the weight of loss not known to them.

The weather was cold and gloomy and seemed fitting. The perfect day to grieve.

When it was finally my turn to talk to my dad, Knox gave me a kiss on the forehead and left to stand by the others. I almost pleaded with him to stay but I needed to do this. I needed to face my dad after so long.

It took me awhile to finally say something, just staring at the words on his headstone.

Wonderful father and husband. Fighter.

"Hey dad." I whispered. "I'm sorry I haven't come to see you in a long time. I want to say work has been busy but really I don't have an excuse."

I brushed my fingers over the top of the stone.

"I kept the promise I made you. I brought someone home for christmas. I'm pretty sure you already know what I've done....that it isn't real." I said the last part so soft. "And I know right now you are shaking your head at me. Probably saying 'Aubs this wasn't a smart plan'." I laughed under my breath practically hearing his voice in my head.

"I didn't actually think I'd end up liking the guy I brought home. But dad...he's pretty great. Rough around the edges like you are. He's a great guy, everyone seems to really like him, mom included." I sighed.

"I hate that you aren't here." I choked. "I hate that I can't call you. I hate that I can't hug you." I cried softly. "But while I hate all of that I need to learn to not hate myself. I've spent so long hating myself for my kidney not working. Someone recently opened my eyes that blaming myself isn't what you would have wanted." I looked over at Knox who was talking to my mom.

"I"m ready to stop hating myself."

There was still so much I wanted to say but couldn't. Not right now. Tracing the lines of my dad's name I let out a shaky breath.

"Love you dad."

I knew that if I wanted to stay longer the others would let me but for now I needed a bit more time.

Wiping the tears off my face I made my way back to the others. As soon as I reached Knox's side I wrapped my arm around his back and laid my head into his body. Right now all I needed was someone to be here.

I gave my mom a weak smile, who was still silently crying. With the clouds above us getting darker and the wind picking up it was time to go. We all slowly trailed out of the cemetery, speaking in soft whispers. I spared one last look over my shoulder. As I did I noticed a single ray of sunshine peaked through the thick clouds and shined directly on my dads headstone. It only happened for a split second before it was gone.

"You okay?" Knox asked me softly, turning my attention away. I peeked over my shoulder one last time as a small smile appeared on my face, my hand reaching up to grasp the necklace around my neck.

"Yeah I'm okay." I'll be okay.