My first time with a man and my first time with a woman both happened in my senior year of high school. My first thought is to skip over the first and get to the story of the second because, let's face it, how many women can look back at their first time and honestly say it's a story that deserves an audience? But, I don't want to be cold... Besides, you have to hear at least a little about him in order for me to properly tell you about her.

The boys' name was Tommy. He was two and a half years older than me. Tall, narrow-waisted, great butt and those high cheek bones and rosy cheeks like the GQ models. At least that's how I remember him. I even remember the date! That would be because I was at a friend's New Year's Eve party! I decided it was time. I'd been seeing him - he'd been waiting - five months already! He was clearly NOT inexperienced like me! After all, he was a Marine! It would make him happy...

So - the two of us were on the bed, our clothes mostly on (including our shoes!), Tommy squarely on top of me, "doing it!" Then my friend - my incredibly drunk friend - Mary, whose bed we were on, threw open the door and, trying to comprehend the scene, just stood there. At that point, (and this is the memorable bit) I grabbed on to my lovers' ears, pulled him down on top of me and whispered "Don't Fucking Move!"

Ha! Meanwhile, Mary kept repeating, "What's going on?" and Tommy kept saying "Mary, back up! Just back up and shut the door!"

That was it! No fireworks. When my sister-in-law, whom I'd stupidly confided in, decided to tell my parents about what I'd done, I remember being called into their room.

My father was sitting on the end of his bed. His head hung low, he looked like someone had just run over his cat! I looked at him... looked at my mom and with my fists clenched I dug my heels in and said,

"Yes, I did! It was okay but I wouldn't say it's on my Top-Ten List of things to do so STOP looking so worried!! I don't plan to go screw the entire football team but I'm NOT sorry about it!"

Then I walked out of the room.

Really, what could they say?