I grew up in Huntington Beach and from as early as I can remember I had a nanny. Then a 'housekeeper' which I'm pretty sure is the same thing except I was too old to need a babysitter. I never learned a lot of the things necessary to be on my own. I had never dusted or mopped a floor. My clothes had always been ironed before being put in my closet. And, I'm a bit embarrassed to admit that the first spanish sentences I knew were "plancha mis ropas" (iron my clothes) and "mi cuarto es sucio" (my room is dirty). I doubt Denise realized it when we moved in together, but that was the first time I had my own apartment. She was an amazingly patient woman. Fortunately it was a very small place... Not much room for big messes!

Denise and I were together for a little more than a year. The end, I have to admit, was my fault completely and I am sorry to this day for having done it. No, I didn't cheat on her. That is, unless you can call cocaine a mistress. On second thought... Maybe I did. But the long and the short of it is that while I would spend my nights downstairs with my coke and all my new cocaine loving friends, Denise would go to bed - alone. I was too stupid and too caught up to notice.

I did stop, eventually. I can't say it wasn't fun, but when there was none left, it was . I didn't wait until I lost everything or was arrested. And I count myself lucky to be one of the few who were able to see that ultimately, when it came to cocaine, the come-down just wasn't worth the high.

When I did finally stop and found I wanted my lover once again, she wasn't there. Oh, Denise was there... She just wasn't my lover anymore. I didn't mean for it to happen. How stupid I had been! When I asked her why, this is what she said...

"Everytime I went to bed without you, it hurt me. I started feeling unattractive... Insecure." (That broke my heart!) "So, I had to push those feelings way down so they couldn't hurt me anymore." "Now you say you want me again. I reached down deep searching for those feelings and I'm sorry... I just can't find them anymore."

The last thing Denise said to me before she left was

"You know, I've cleaned your toilet every week for over a year now, and not once have you ever said thank you!"

To which I said, "You clean my toilet?"

I was 22 and that was how I learned that it takes more than just dropping a blue disk into the tank to keep a toilet clean! Who knew?