I stood in front of that door, mouth open and trying to grasp what she had just said. I struggled to keep from ringing the bell. I was seriously thinking about making a total ass of myself!

"Lightning! How could you be so calm and cool? I want you. I want you now! I don't care what anyone says!"

But thankfully, saner heads prevailed! What did happen is exactly what she had said. We dealt with it! From an outsiders point of view, there would be very little difference in the way we interacted B.E. (that's Before EnLightnment - hahaha! come-on! that's funny, right? Lightning... EnLightnment? ) and A.S.F. (After Sparks Flew!).

Lightning continued her on again/off again relationship with Randi for a while longer. I continued to run to Randi's aid when she called me. But, from then on, it became less and less frequent. My heart wasn't in it as it had been. It was very confusing, to tell the truth! It was as if there was a shift in... something. I don't know a word for it, but suddenly my loyalties had ... realigned.

I didn't pine for Lightning. Not really! Does that seem strange to you? It's not like me to avoid feeling... feeling what? Well, it's just not like me to avoid . Right? So this is what I think...

I think I knew that Lightning and I just couldn't be - that is, as long as I wanted to continue believing that I was a decent human being. So, my best guess is that it was sort of a self-preservation mechanism that kicked in and made it easier.

As far as my feelings for Randi went, all I can tell you is that they were changed. From then on, it became more and more apparent that Randi's brand of crazy didn't match mine - at least not anymore.

Life went on, as it does, and we continued to go in and out of each others lives for a while. That part was inevitable, really. We were lesbians in a small part of the world. There was no way we could remain social at all, without running into each other.

One thing that did change, in a very significant way, was the feeling of joy I felt whenever I would run into Lightning. Each time, she would smile a huge, beautiful smile and we would hug for a very long time! Like long lost friends finding each other again, we would embrace and just stand there in each others arms for maybe a full minute. God! She gave the best hugs! Especially when I felt her cheek against my own. You know those kind of hugs - I call them "Body Hugs." - where you feel the entire front of you connecting with the entire front of another? Yeah... Those! Her skin was softer than any womans I've ever touched - even now!

Nobody seemed to notice when we did that. I don't know why! Maybe its because it didn't matter. It was never going to lead to anything. So... nobody ever questioned it. Maybe that's weird, I'm not sure. Because there were other things we did that were... what can I call it... Let's say on the borderline between acceptable and inappropriate behavior. For example, if we were both on someones sofa - watching tv maybe, or a movie - Lightning would likely be in my lap where my arms would be clasped around her waist and she would be leaning back against me while we watched. Not actually sexual, right? (Well, it wasn't for us, anyway, and that's what counts.) Could be more like cousins. Or just great friends.

I remember there was this one time that we did sort of get called out. We laughed about it then and have laughed every time we've thought of it since.

A few years had passed and Lightning had a girlfriend that she lived with. Her girlfriend had a daughter named Doobie who was around 13, I think. I had met them at the park to watch Doobie at little league. At the end of the game, Doobie came up to where we were all sitting in the stands, looked at Lightning and me and then to her mom and said,

"Mommy, why do Jesse and Lightning hug like that?"

"What do mean?" her mom said.

"They don't hug like normal people. They hug the same way you and Lightning hug."

Her mom looked over at us. We looked at each other. Then Lightning and I just burst out laughing. Why wouldn't we? There was nothing sexual going on, after all.