The pain of 4 broken ribs is pretty bad but what is even worse is the embarrassment I feel for just blurting out I love you to Francesca last night. I got caught up in the moment I guess. I was running on drugs and adrenaline, at least that is what I keep telling myself and what I plan to tell her. If I don't do something to explain why I just blurted it out, she's gonna want to talk about it and I don't think I can handle her rejection. She is my best friend and if that is all she wants from me then I will do whatever I can to at least protect our friendship without things getting awkward.

It is going to take awhile to get over the embarrassment though. I don't know what I was thinking just blurting it out to her like that. She froze up and looked so shocked and immediately I wanted to crawl into a hole and die. In my head I just... I guess I was hoping she'd say it back. At that moment I thought for sure she would. The way she showed up crying so concerned about me, in my fucked up head I just assumed that meant she loved me too. But now reading texts from Maddie and seeing Bray and Stan I realize that is how normal people react to their friend getting hurt. How was I supposed to know that when my own parents couldn't even bother to text to see if I was ok. I doubt they knew I even got hurt, they don't watch my games but I am sure my agent has told them by now and still nothing.

I just don't get what I could have done to change the way she feels about me. She can tell Luna she loves her so easily. She yells it out to Barb and Josh like it is nothing. But when I say it she can't say it back? Even if she just meant it as friends, why am I so unlovable that not even Francesca, who can say it to a literal snail she sees on the sidewalk, can say it to me.

"Ready to go kid?"

"Can't you just leave me here?" I ask Coach, laying on the bed still. He came about 30 minutes ago to bring me clothes and pick me up so I can take the team bus with everyone to the airport.

"I thought about it, but the university didn't like it when I proposed that idea."

I groan as I lift myself off the bed. Coach tries his best to help me but there is not much that can help with this pain. I can barely breath at this point without getting light headed. I was given some meds to take home, they help but this is going to be a long and painful recovery no matter what.

The walk to the car is slow because I was too stubborn to accept the offer of getting a wheelchair. The car ride to the hotel is even worse. Every slight bump we hit has me seeing stars. I am already dreading the flight home but hopefully it is a smooth one or I can take enough drugs to knock me out for the short flight.

"Team will be down in a minute go sit on that bench and don't do anything stupid," Coach warns as he pulls up feet from the bench he is referring to.

I take a deep breath and drag myself out of the car to the bench. Slowly a few of my teammates along with some of Francesca's begin to trickle out of the hotel. Everyone crowds around me to talk and check on me and it feels kind of nice. Having everyone concerned about me is not something I am used to. I get why kids in school use to fake broken arms for attention, it is honestly nice.

Fuck, I am so fucked up for even thinking that aren't I. I bet normal people don't think this. No wonder why Francesca doesn't love me, who would want all the baggage I bring along. Why would I be so stupid? After she heard the phone call with my parents, who would want to be around that? One of the only people I ever let into my life and I go right along and fuck it all up.

"He lives," Francesca cheers as she skips over to the bench. She is wearing my jacket still and it makes it hard to breathe for a second. Or maybe that is just the broken ribs. I am not sure but she looks so cute in the extremely oversized jacket.

She sits herself down on the bench next to me while everyone else walks off. "How are you feeling?"

Now is your chance Ryder, fix your stupid mistake before it ruins everything. "It hurts but could be worse. I am still on the really good hospital drugs. They had me so out of it I didn't even remember we watched the game last night and Bray said I was saying all sorts of weird shit."

"Oh. So you don't remember anything about last night?" She looks hopeful and I want to cheer that this is it. I am fixing this before it can ruin our friendship.

"Nope," I say casually, so fucking proud of myself.

"Oh," she says softly deflating like a popped balloon right in front of my eyes. Fuck, I think I said something wrong.

"Why, did I do something?" I ask, trying to salvage the situation. Maybe I should have run this by Stan and Bray first; why would I trust myself I am in way over my head.

"You remember nothing?" she asks sadly. Her bottom lip quivers a little so she bites it to hide her emotions. No no no, fuck me.

"Uh, maybe you could refresh my memory. I am sure if you just remind me I will remember. I mean it is probably up there somewhere in my big dumb head, you know? Like you always say I am stupid." I am rambling like an asshole giving her every opportunity to bring it up. Just when I thought I couldn't hate myself more I think I just broke Francesca heart which was the last thing I wanted to fucking do.

Francesca just shakes her head and as if Luna can smell when her best friend needs her I feel a flick to my ear. "I would say you look like shit but you always look like shit so that isn't saying much."

"Your concern is touching Luna, now leave." I need to fix this so please go the fuck away.

Instead of paying attention to me Luna looks down at Francesca who is tugging on her sleeve. Without asking her watch wrong Luna pulls Francesca up and begins pushing her toward Tristian's car. "My car we are leaving," she announces loudly.

"Francesca," I call out but she doesn't turn around. Parker and Maya swarm toward her like they all have some sort of mind reading capability and know when the other needs them. Bray is watching them in confusion as they quickly jump into the car and speed off.

"Fuck," I groan.

"What did you just do?" Bray asks, looking at me like I have 9 heads.

"Kill me. Make it painful."

"What is his issue," Stan asks, joining Bray to stare at me like I am crazy.

"He definitely just fucked something up with Francesca so this should be fun for all of us."

"Please run me over with the bus," I beg. How do I consistently manage to always fuck shit up with her?

"Maybe, give me a good reason first," Bray laughs. Glad someone finds it funny. Let's see if he still finds it funny when he hears the whole story.

"Everyone get on the bus," Coach calls.

Stan and Bray basically drag me onto the bus and sit me in the first seat. They cram themselves into the row with me so Stan is on the floor and Bray is twisted like a pretzel so I have room. "Speak because my boyfriend isn't answering me and now I am stressed."

"Told you," I whine miserably as the bus begins to move. I open my phone and text Francesca but the texts won't go through. How did I go from saving our friendship to being blocked so quickly? My life is a sick joke.

"I am sure it can be fixed, just tell us what happened." Stan, always the optimist. I guess when you have parents that love you endlessly and a boatload of money anything can be fixed.

"I told Beck I love her," I whisper.

"You didn't just say the words I think you just said so please speak up because I definitely heard you wrong." Bray looks either thrilled or pissed, I can't really tell.

"I told her I love her, I even added in more than hockey to really seal the deal."

The guys are looking at me just like Francesca did last night. Their mouths keep opening and closing but no words are coming out. "So why are we hitting you with a bus?" Stan asks as dread begging to slowly sink in for both of them. Yeah, they know me pretty well.

"She didn't say it back last night so I thought it was a mistake and pretty much told her I didn't remember saying it just now. I thought it was for the best so things weren't awkward."

Bray doesn't hesitate as he jabs his finger into my side. "Fuck Bray," I curse.

"That is for my sweet little Beck," he yells as he positions himself to poke me again.

"Enough, stop it," Stan warns, grabbing Bray's hands to hold him from further attacking me. "Ryder you made a huge fucking mess but just call her and tell her you were lying."

"She blocked me already," I tell him softly, embarrassed at how badly I fucked shit up.

Stan groans realizing this is going to be harder to fix than he thought. Bray is now frantically typing on his phone to I assume Parker. Both of them ignore me as they attempt to clean up my mess. I would complain about being ignored but the roads here are ass and each bump has me whimpering in pain.

"I just thought I was doing the right thing," I defend myself.

"She thought you died and you told her you love her! No shit she didn't say it back she was in shock!" Bray's head looks like it is about to explode and the guilt amplifies in me 10 fold. They act like they don't know I have the emotional capacity of sponge!

"It didn't help that you guys walked in like a minute later and then she left."

"You told her you loved her right before we talked, literally barely giving her a chance to process and respond and then thought that meant she didn't love you back? Are you stupid!"

"Yes," I yell to Bray. He is already trying to hit me again but Stan has now climbed on to him to stop his assault. Eventually he calms down and they both go back to brainstorming while I stare sadly out the window like I'm in an early 2000's music video.

"Have you tried Luna?" Stan asks as we climb off the bus to the plane. The figure skaters sadly have to drive home from our game a nearly 9 hour drive but we have the team plane which is nice but also sucks because I won't be able to use my phone while we are in the air.

I try Luna four times between getting off the bus and sitting in my seat. Coach and Mike must know something I don't because both of them shove some pills into my hand and tell me to take them right away. I have fucked up enough stuff today so I do as I am told.

When I wake up we have already landed and half the guys are off the plane. Apparently Coach was warned it would be a bumpy flight so he knocked me out so it wouldn't hurt as bad.

Bray and Stan are still typing furiously when I join them on the bus back to campus. Neither of them have talked to me but I am taking no news as bad news. If Bray can't even get his own boyfriend to answer then things have to be really bad.

"Guys?" I ask miserably, already knowing what they are going to say.

Bray looks away, not even able to look me in the eyes. "Don't give up Ryder, seriously, that girl loves you. Shit I mean this can't end like this. Come on, you two are Fryder."

"Stan, maybe this can't be fixed."

"No," Bray says, pulling himself together again. "We aren't giving up and you sure as fuck aren't giving up. Do you love her Ryder?"

"Yes!"

"Ok then shut the fuck up. I know this is all new for you but when you love someone you don't give up the first time things get a little hard. If I gave up on Parker then I wouldn't be where I am today. Love isn't easy but god it is so fucking worth it."

I swallow the lump in my throat and nod as I pull out my phone and begin to text anyone who could help me get in contact with Francesca. By the time we get back home the entire team plus the puck bunnies are working to help me fix my mess.

"She will come around," Maddies says as she kisses my cheek and sits next to me.

"She's stubborn," I admit. She is scary stubborn and the longer this goes on the worse it will be.

"Yeah she is, but when you have all these people blowing up her phone for you it is going to be hard to ignore. Besides, the heart wants what it wants, not even a stubborn ass like you or her can ignore that."

"I miss her already," I confess.

"Good, maybe it will teach you to not be such an idiot next time Ryder."

I roll my eyes and Maddie flicks my hat before walking off to get a drink. Despite my own misery the house is still having a party tonight.

Before the party starts I drag myself to my room to be alone. I lock the door like I used to and continue to try to find a way to get Francesca to talk to me. It never works though, the entire night I sit alone with the three rats on my lap waiting for a call that never comes.