video call with ?

or

connecting...

"mel?"

she's prepared herself for this moment.

she's prepared herself to see him on the screen, after so many weeks. she knows exactly how much it'll make the hollow place in her chest ache when she looks him in the eyes. she's planned what she's going to say, how she'll sit, how long it will take to mend the sharp and broken edges between them.

but she's forgotten to prepare herself for him. for the way his hair curls at the nape of his neck, and the tiny mole under his eye, and the way every syllable of her name curls up on his tongue, rough around the edges like he's just woken up. she's forgotten to prepare herself for the tremble in her fingertips and the sandpaper taste in her mouth and the way her heartbeat trips over itself pathetically.

she freezes. he's looking at her on the screen, and her veins are full of ice and glass. she tries to form a response, but her tongue is stuck to the roof of her mouth and the words die somewhere halfway to her lips.

so she does the only thing she can think of, which is to duck below her desk , out of sight, with a squeak.

"mel, what—"

and pulls the the power cord on her computer.

video call ended 1:45 am!

incoming video call from !

or

connecting...

"mel?" tom repeats.

mel checks to see if her tongue has decided to fulfill its function, but it's still cowering in the back of her mouth, frozen like the rest of her.

"did you just hang up on me?"

"there was a technical malfunction," she manages, finally.

"oh?"

"yeah...i technically hung up on you."

"mel..."

tom rubs his eyes and she realizes, finally, how tired he looks. and not just because of the time difference. his eyes are red and glassy and there's a hole in the collar of his shirt, next to the spot just below his chin where she can tell he cut himself shaving. purple shadows like bruises bloom under his eyes, stained into his skin much deeper than just one night.

"i..."

mel swallows hard.

she wishes this was a perfect moment. she wishes it wasn't the middle of the night and she wasn't wearing her glasses or her pajama bottoms with the pudding stain on them and she wishes her heart wasn't pounding painfully against her rib cage. she wishes she could've planned their moment, shaped and coerced it into what she wanted like she'd done with the rest of her life.

but this moment is happening now, and she knows she only has a few seconds before she loses him again.

she clears her throat painfully.

"i...wanted to say something to you. but i didn't quite know how. so i had some help. just...bear with me i guess."

"i'm not sure—"

"seriously. it'll be less painful for the both of us if you don't struggle. it's like sajan setting kara's toe socks on fire. it's better for everyone in the long run."

mel takes a deep breath and pushed her glasses up the bridge of her nose.

she ducks down, this time not to hide, but to pull out a pan of cupcakes from under her desk. nina helped her bake them earlier that night in the cafeteria kitchen after quickly bribing one of the cooks with the promise of one of sajan's flamethrowers for creme brûlée. they're all different shapes and sizes, and slightly squished, with I'M SORRY piped on them shakily with electric blue frosting.

"i baked you cupcakes—well, nina did most of the cooking. but i did the bribery and decorating."

"bribery—? i—forget it. listen, i can't exactly eat cupcakes, mel."

"shit. um, it's fine. i'll eat one, i guess."

she takes a bite, and chokes. she spits it into the trash can next to her desk.

"okay, apology number one tastes like gasoline. shit, that burns going down."

mel coughs and pounds her chest.

"we had to use a lot of vinegar, so, you know."

"mel, you don't put in vinegar cupcakes."

"sure, and you don't put barbecue sauce in there either. like you know anything about baking, tom. moving on."

"mel—what—"

she grabs a plastic bag on the chair next to her and pulls out a few limp, green leaves. he stares at her.

"i was going to get you flowers like the guys does when he screws up in the movies, but all the grocery store had was spinach and cauliflower so..."

he doesn't say anything. she tosses the spinach aside.

"you're right, cauliflower is way more romantic. fuck. oh well."

"wait, did you just say—"

"not a great second apology, sorry. let's see. ian suggested i write you a poem, so..."

"wait, going back to earlier—"

she clears her throat and looks down at the piece of notepaper in front of her.

"roses are red, violets are becoming. just for you, i watched spider-man homecoming. no? maybe a haiku. dear tom i am so/sorry i treated you like/half eaten meatloaf."

he's staring at her, slightly open mouthed. mel crumples up the paper and sighs.

"i don't know. the last line kind of got me. i don't think poetry is my calling. hitomi said i should just buy a ticket to go see you, but i had to remind her that i'm on a budget. like, extreme couponers is starting to feel biographical. i started stealing those little cups of creamer from starbucks and eating my cereal with them instead of milk. i mean, milk is at least two dollars. i'm not oprah."

"mel—"

"maybe i should've choreographed a dance? but i only know the charleston and that hip hop move where you spin on your head. great move at parties, but i don't see it being heartfelt. maybe if i sang and spun—"

"mel—"

"i needed something that said sorry i screwed up, but also fit within my budget of sixty two cents and my emotional capacity of none. reyna said i should steal you a kidney, because you can't turn it down and it's the ultimate sacrifice, but that just seems hard. sajan's was easier, but definitely still illegal."

"listen, mel—"

"—but hector's was the dumbest. he said i should just apologize. i mean, can you believe that?"

"yeah."

"i can, actually, mel."

she hates the way he says her name. it's too soft and gentle, like it could break at any moment.

he's looking at her with tired, lined eyes, hollow at the edges and he seems much older than she remembers. her throat is dry. she swallows hard, again.

"well, i-i'm..."

it's just two words. no, a contraction and a word, she corrects herself. seeing tom has made the edges of her brain go fuzzy, like she can't think. mel's mind is a rigid line, and tom makes that line waver and bend.

she groans and lets her head drop froward into her hands. she squeezes her eyes shut, pushing the palms of her hands into the hollows of her face.

"i mean, what do you want me to say, tom?" she says, voice muffled. "that i screwed up? we both know i did. that i regret every single thing i said, because none of that matters? because i do! i just want you back in my life, okay. so—so tell me how. tell me what i need to do. because i'll do it."

it's silent for a moment, except for the rush of blood in her ears. he does respond. mel slumps forward. she clasps a hand over her mouth, biting her lip hard to keep the lump in her throat at bay.

she's lost him. she's lost him, and now she doesn't know where to find herself.

"i think," he says, then. "as far as apologies go, i forgave you the second i saw you."

she lifts her head and peers at him in the screen through her fingers. he's staring at her, no waver in his voice or tell in his eyes.

"really?"

"you know there's not a chance in hell i'd ever stay mad at you, right? mel, you could ask me to jump off a cliff at this point and i would."

"if i was jumping off a cliff it would be after careful planning and consideration, and following me would probably be a valid, if not the superior option."

he laughs at that.

he laughs, high and clear. she watches as the tiny mole under his eye disappears into his smile lines. her hands are clenched into fists below the desk, where tom can't see, and her heart is pounding again.

she feels like she's been watching him through a window, knowing he was there with her, but never able to reach through the glass and touch him. and now, in this moment, the glass is melting away and dissolving and he is becoming knowable and whole to her. she feels something come loose in her chest, swelling up to consume her.

her hands aren't shaking anymore , but she's never been more terrified.

"oh, fuck," she whispers.

and ducks to pull the cord again.

video call ended 2:41 am!

psa mel feels things!! after fifty six chapters!! i hope this made up for the last chapter, where i almost accidentally incited a riot. btw kidney joke credit to because i'm not funny anymore and theory is dying.