November 27th 2015

Noah

Right there. Right there, infront of me, sat a woman who I had seen only once in the last three years. A women I worshipped and loved with everything I had and a women who had broken my heart worse than anyone else ever had.That was the strength of a bond of a mother and son. That was the strength of a bond with the only person you thought loved you. She was my world and then she left.

That was the worst feeling ever. Waking up one morning to a note on your bedside table. I still have that note, I have it in my pocket as we speak. In a way it gives me comfort, I fumble with it in my pocket. I know the words off by heart now.

Noah, my dear. I'm so sorry I can't say this in person, but by the time you read this I'll be gone. I've left your father for that man I told you about. We are going to start a new life together and we'll get married once your father signs the divorce papers, I'm sure of it. He's a good guy- I know you'll like him and I love him. But I can't take you with us just yet. It would be easier to start a new without you. I promise I'll come for you once we have everything in place.

Remember, I'll always love you. Mom.

I waited for her to come for me. Every visitor at the door I thought was her. Anyone behind me on the street I could swear was her. However, when the days turned to weeks and weeks turned to months I gave up waiting, I gave up hoping. When dad said we were moving to Virginia I didn't stop to think whether mom could find me here. I had given up hope in her trying to find me.

Yet here she was, sitting there, holding the hand of the man; who would be my step-father and I felt sick. I felt sick to my stomach. For the first time ever I felt grateful to have my dad. Grateful that he would never leave me. He needed me as much as I needed him. In our twisted relationship at least I could always count on him- even if that meant spending the rest of my life in and out of consciousness.

Chad gave my shoulder a squeeze. For the first time I felt grateful for him. This was as bad for me as it was for him. His dad left him only to return with his new wife. He may not have the abusive father in the mix as well, but he knew my pain the closest to anyone.

"Jenna, you have something to say to me?" I speak once I finally build up the nerve to break the tension.

"Noah, please call me mom. I'm still your mom." She protests.

"No, you're not. You lost that right a long time ago." I stand my ground- it's the least I can do. I know it's petty but this way I can hurt a little like how she hurt me.

"Fine, well I wanted to say sorry."

"For what exactly?" I deadpan.

"You know, for leaving you." She murmurs into the floor, unable to hold eye contact with me.

"Which leaving me? Leaving me for dead a few months ago? Or leaving me all those years ago?" I shot back.

"Noah I am so sorry about that day. Chad pushed you and I was so scared."

"So instead of calling an ambulance you run? What sort of mother does that? I know for a fact if Kate hadn't found me I wouldn't be here today. The doctors say I'm lucky for being found when I did." I yell. She didn't love me, that much was clear. She could say all she wanted but her actions spoke louder than words. I could see her face clouded with guilt. I could see the anger rise on my stepfather's face. However, I was more concerned about Chad. Last time I walked out this time he was. Without excusing myself I follow him.

"You alright, mate?" I ask as I approach him. He stands, hands resting onto the countertop in the kitchen, head bowed.

"You didn't tell me I could have killed you." he whispers.

"What?"

"You didn't tell me I could have killed you." he yells this time. "I could have killed you." he repeats. "I could have killed you!"

"Didn't you once say you wanted me dead or something" I attempt to joke.

"Noah, I don't want you dead. Never did. I want to be your brother. That's literally the only good thing coming out of this whole thing." he tries to explain, exasperated.

"And you still will be" I say not understanding his point.

"How can I be? How can you want me to be? I nearly killed you!" He starts yelling again.

"None of this was your fault. I pushed you first!" I try to argue. But I can see my words making no effect so I try a different tactic. "When I lived in texas I was bullied almost everyday. I was the nerd- freak. The son of the craziest man in town. Everyone knew who you were back there and I couldn't go anywhere without people judging me, adults pitied me and kids picked on me."

"So..." He asks confused to where I was going with this.

"I came here and it was like I was a whole new person. No one knew who I was, no one knew of my past. I could be whoever I wanted to be. For the first time I could be me. When you bullied me here, you were the first person to pick on me for something I really was. I'm gay and you couldn't handle that. But it was okay because I didn't have to question who I was or what was wrong with me. For the first time I knew what was bad about me, it was something I couldn't change, something I didn't want to change. Back in Texas people hurt me for the stupidest of reasons. Because of who my dad was, because of something he may of said, for rumours about my mom. Never about me as a person- but about the things I was associated with."

"That still doesn't make what I did to you right"

"No, of course it doesn't. Yet it didn't hurt me the same way. I was able to stand up for myself, for the poeple like me. For centuries the LGBT+ community has been oppressed. But now I was able to accept myself. So no matter what you did to me I could handle it. Because for the first time in my life I knew who I was and I was proud of it. "

"So why does that make you forgive me?" he asks bemused.

"It doesn't. It meant that when you hurt me, you were doing it because of your ignorance rather than your hatred. The fact you didn't understand me angered and upset me not the fact you were hurting me."

"So what you're saying is you were angry at me for not understanding homosexualting rather than just not be accepting?"

"That's what homophobia is, isn't it? People who don't understand that being gay or lesbian is normal." I say as I shrug my shoulders. At least that's how I see it.

"You're gay?" Jenna, my mom, asks as she enters the room.

"Yes Jenna. I am, do you have a problem with that?" I spit back, irritated, as I swivel on my heels to see her.

"No, no problem. Just surprised" she quickly reassures me.

"Um hmmm" I Hummed as I quirk an eyebrow up. Wouldn't put it passed me.

"No honestly, it's fine. I had an uncle who was gay" She tries to reason.

"Whatever. Let's just get this over with shall we?" I say getting tired with this whole conversation.

"I agree." She nodes.

"So what was it you wanted to tell me?" I try to approach the topic from before again. "Don't say you're sorry again" i warn.

"Yet I am sorry. I know that's not what you want to hear. But it is the truth. I know I handled everything badly those years ago. I shouldn't have left you and without a word for so long. When seeing you I made a promise I wouldn't hurt you again. Yet I broke that the first day I got to see you."

"You're point being.." I try to prod along.

"That I was an idiot" she acknowledges. I could tell she was being honest. She wasn't just saying what I wanted to hear. She understands her mistakes.

"I'm sorry too Noah. I could have handled all of these situations better. But I freaked out." Roderick, Chad's dad says. " the same goes for you Chad. I shouldn't have left you or your mother the way I did."

"It's in the past" Chad brushes off, even though I can tell he is still hurt by it.

"I speak for Jenna and I that we want to make amends and start again. We're moving here to fix the relationships we lost with both of you. Maybe even a start family here with you two." he says hopefully.

I could see the genuine hope they had, I knew they were remorseful. Did I forgive them yet: no. would I forgive them in the future: probably. There was no point in holding onto hate. This room was filled with people I thought I hated. The man that took my mother away from me. The mother who walked out on me. The bully who found fun in pummeling me. Yet I knew that none of these people would ever intentionally hurt me again and I took comfort in that.

One of the biggest issues I carried was this idea that I needed a mother. Yes, you should ideally have a maternal figure in your life. But that doesn't have to be your biological mother. All anyone needs is a support system to be there for them. That could be in the form of these idyllic, perfect parents or a group of quirky and random friends. A group which I think Chad could now be a part of. I was still unsure of whether Alec's theory about Chad was right. But we shall find out in time. For now, it's time to let go of the past and start to move on.

"I would like that" I finally speak. "I would like to see where this goes and try to make amends and maybe one day we all can be family"