Should I get help?

Do I need to talk to someone?

but that would mean going through all of my past all over again.

what if that person thinks ill of me just the way my parents do?

School was finished and now, I was driving to Jason's house since Lily told me to meet her after. I would've not gone since I've been in an off mood. Lily is a comforting person and I could say I was more closely with her than I was with Damien when we used to hang out. I just hope when I walk into that house none of the boys would be home.

I was standing in front of the massive door. I took a deep breath and knocked on the door.

"Calm down, Rhea. she just wants to talk and Lily does not deserve one of your outbursts," I said to myself, and within seconds someone opened the door.

"hi, I'm here to meet Lily?" I told her and I think it's their maid. Damn, they have maids too.

"Oh yes! you must be Rhea. Jason talks about you all the time. He said you are the best but he told me he messed up and Yall are not friends anymore. That boy was really sad." she says almost in breath and as if she's seen, Meghan Markle. and to top it all off she got french an accent. Then I realized I've just stood there with wide eyes.

"Oh, I'm so sorry I said too much didn't I," she said looking down.

"No, you didn't," I say attempting to make her feel okay.

"Come in, come in. miss Lily is in her office. first-floor second door to the right and let me get your Jacket ma'am" she says.

"No, no it's okay I'll be wearing this, and please don't call me ma'am. you can call me Rhea" I tell her 'cause the jacket is the only thing covering my wrist right now.

I walk up the stairs and reached the door which was slightly open. "lily?" I call out.

"Rhea, come in dear," she says looking up from the book she was reading. I entered the office-like space it was pretty big for an office. In the corner, it had a black couch and on the center had a big desk, the room was filled with shelves of books on one side and the other had a shelf filled with types of vinyl, there was a record player located at the corner.

"Is that yours?" I ask looking at the vinyl and the record player.

"Yes, I'm the only one in this house who listens to old music," she says standing up from her table.

"does Damien not listen to old music now?" I ask taking a seat on the couch while she sits on the armchair in front of me.

"Oh he still does, I suppose. he just doesn't listen to vinyl"

"Hmm, so why'd you want to talk to me?" I ask making myself comfortable on the couch. This couch is so comfortable.

"Just, I guess I've missed my daughter," she says smiling at me. Those words just made my heart so happy even though I don't deserve it.

"What's bothering you Rhea?" this took an unexpected turn. How transparent am I?

"What made you question that?" I asked her.

"You have changed...a lot. But just because you have changed does not mean that there's something wrong but when I look at you I know something got to be bothering you. Maybe, it could be a motherly instinct"

"Damien told you to talk to me, didn't he?" I swear to God if he has I'm gonna fucking kill him.

"Damien? what, no. He got nothing to do with this. I know a lot has happened and it's way too much for you to handle at a young age. I heard about the divorce, how's that being affecting you?"

"Lily, You do a job don't you, what is it?" I question.

"Yes, I do a job and it doesn't matter Rhea"

"No, Lily it matters tell me what it is are you a counselor or someone if so I don't want to talk and why on earth don't people get that" I yelled and stood up from the couch.

"Rhea, please sit down. I'm not a counselor I'm a therapist. And I doubt the fact that you don't want to talk. I'm not here to fix you or give you therapy. I'm not gonna do that if you don't want to. I told you to come because I want to talk to my little girl and catch up" she says. For a moment I contemplate whether I should sit back down or just walk out.

"What brings up for you to become a therapist?" I ask and sat down on the couch again.

"If any outsider asked me that question I would say, I became a therapist because I want to help teens fight their way through their battle but the real reason would be to help my son," she says with a sad smile. what did she mean by that?

"What do you mean Lily?" hurt rushed through me.

"he is not okay as he seems to be. that's all I can say. It's his story to tell sweetheart"

"I-I didn't know. I'm so sorry" How blind was I to think that he was living his perfect happy life? Why don't I know him the way he does about me? Was I too wrapped around my own problems to realize that others are going through tough times too? God, I feel disappointed in myself.

"Can I ask you something lily?"

"Of course, dear"

"w-what do you see when you look at me? Like not appearance wise uh, you know what I mean?" she nods and gives me a small smile.

"You look like you have been fighting a really long battle and you are way too hard on yourself," she says and I realize tears have started filling in my eyes.

"I want to be hard on myself. I want to keep on fighting. I want to feel pain. 'cause I deserve it. I have to pay for what I have done in this life so, I won't carry my sins to the other" I tell her, and right now I'm hoping that she would understand.

"Rhea, you've done nothing wrong," she says.

"No. I've done everything wrong, Lily. Please understand it"

"I'm not gonna understand anything false"

"No. no, my family is ruined because of me. I know it because I've heard it" I speak through my tears. God, talking about this hurts so much. It hurts so bad.

"Rhea what other people say is not always the truth and someone like you could never ruin your family, Rhea" but I have.

"I already have Lily. You wouldn't say it if you knew the whole story. You would be disgusted in me just the way my parents are. This is why therapy will not help me, the damage is already done" I say and walk out of the room.

"Rhea..." I heard her talk behind me but she didn't stop me. I ran to my car and drove away.

Tears flowing down. I feel hurt, so much pain but most of all rage. I'm so fucking angry. I speed my car faster and faster unknowingly a scream pierced through my mouth. I screamed so loud that if it could it would raise the fires of hell. I screamed so much hoping that it would take the pain away even though I deserve it. I stopped the car and broke down hitting the steering wheel with my fists.

Why didn't I die?

why did I let my brother take the gun from my hands?

why did I drive my sister to watch the fireworks?

why?

why?

why?

"FOR FUCKS SAKE SOMEONE ANSWER" I screamed.

wiping down my tears I drove. I drove until I found the nearest bar.

Alcohol - the only way to forget it all even for a moment.

sex - to find pleasure.

I've fallen back to my old ways again. Is it the right thing to do? hell no but my mind is already made.

I'm a sinking ship anyway so I'd rather drown in alcohol than tears.

I stopped my car at the car park of a small club. I take out my fake Id, removed my jacket, and got out of the car.

I show the ID to the guard and he looks at me suspiciously and lets me go in.

I walk in and sit on a barstool.

"six shots please" I called the bartender and looked around me. There are more teenagers than adults in here. Most of them hanging out with their friends and dancing.

The bartender gave me all six shots and I gulp down three of them at a stretch.

"Easy there Hun" a man's voice called beside me. I turned and saw a middle-aged man who looks like he's in his mid-thirties. he was wearing a suit with his tie loosened. He smirked at me and for his age, he is pretty handsome.

I smirk back at him. I guess I've found my prey of the night.

I drank the other three shots and without asking for more I just leaned and grabbed the whole bottle of vodka.

"how old are you?" the man asks drinking his alcohol.

"What, are you into little kids?" I ask him and he kept his hand on my thigh. Nope, I need to be more drunk for this. I gulp down the vodka burning my throat and I could finally see the surroundings blurring out. What can I say I'm an easy drunk?

I stood up from my stool and stood in between in his legs. "wanna take this to the bathroom?" I say and he smashed his lips to mine roughly. I could taste the alcohol in his mouth and his tongue moved into my mouth. Disgusting.

He took his lips away from me and dragged me to the bathroom. I push him towards the bathroom door slamming it shut and smashed my lips on his, kissing him roughly with so much hunger. His hands moved from my thighs to my tank top removing it. He trails kisses from my lips to my jaw then down to my breasts. I undo my pants while he undresses and I take him then and there.

I've missed this.

A/N - OF COURSE, I'M NOT GONNA GIVE MORE DETAILS ON THAT.

SO, MY FATHER GOT TO KNOW THAT I'M WRITING A BOOK AND HE WANTED TO READ IT SO IF HE FINDS THIS OUT; HEY FATHER! I'M SORRY (not really). I SUGGEST THAT WE WOULD IGNORE THAT I WROTE THIS AND MOVE ON WITH OUR LIVES :)

THANK YOU FOR READING AND I'LL GIVE YOU A COOKIE IF YOU COULD PRESS THE STAR.

- PEACE