"Come on dear, look at your baby sister" my mother called my ten-year-old self. Little Rhea tiptoed and looked at her baby sister "Hello Nini" she whispered to her. I wanted to go near and hold my baby sister but I couldn't. I couldn't touch or feel anything. I turned my head to look at down my ten-year-old self already looking at me, tears in her eyes. I bent down to her height, "Why are you crying, Rhea?" I asked her.

"You killed my baby sister. Why did you do that?" No. No, I didn't kill my sister. I didn't kill Nini because I know when I wake up she'll be there playing in our backyard. I know it.

"Wipe your tears, little Rhea. I wouldn't let anything happen to your sister. I swear" I tell her but she shakes her head in disbelief and pointed her finger in a direction behind me. I stood up to look at what she's showing.

"Rhe please, take me to see the fireworks," six-year-old Nini said to my sixteen-year-old self lying on her bed.

"Go away, Nini. I'm sick I can't drive" she wasn't sick. She was drunk because I saw father's bottle of scotch hidden under her pillow.

"Rhea please do this last thing for me. Today is the last day they are showing the fireworks and I want to see them" Nini pleaded her. She made that irresistible sweet face. Rhea stood up from the bed tumbling.

No.

"Rhea don't do this. Please don't do go" I tell her and she just walked past me towards Nini.

"Lucky thing you have that irresistible face," she said cupping her cheeks and giving her a drunk smile.

"Rhea please. Don't go," I tell walking towards them. But they left.

"see" I turned towards the little voice of my ten-year-old self.

"No. She didn't die. I know Nini is there just wake me up" I cried dropping to the floor.

I heard the sound of tires screeching and when I looked up I was in the backseat of my mother's car. Rhea was driving and Nini beside her in the passenger seat. My little sister was smiling so brightly and suddenly her smile dropped to horror.

I looked at myself speeding the car with tears in her eyes. She didn't have control.

"Rhea, slow down. Please slow down! you are gonna crash. Please slow down" I screamed yet I was left unheard. I broke down in tears. God, wake me up, this is not real.

"It is. You killed my sister"

"Rhea!"

"yes," I tell snapping out of the nightmare I saw last night.

"Are you sure you want to do this?" Lily asked and I nod in agreement. After the nightmare, I saw last night and puking almost all the food I ate, Damien told me not to go to school. So, here I am after many arguments and quarrels with Damien, I agreed to talk to Lily. I have no hope in this that it will actually help me make peace with my past but he convinced me that it never hurts to try and with many sweet and comforting words he told me to stop blaming myself for what had happened even after I told him that I could never.

"Everyone deserves a bright tunnel, Rhea. Especially you" I remember he told and rubbed my back until I fell asleep in his arms.

"Okay then let's start with the nightmare?" Lily asked and I sit cross-legged on the couch.

"It was about my sister's car crash and I saw it all as a third person..." I tell her what I saw and it hurt so much to say it all out loud. I took a tissue from the box and wiped my tears.

"Was it what really happened?"

"I think so. I don't remember much but all I do is that I was drunk and I drove my sister to watch Fireworks" I tell.

"Look Rhea, I'm not going to say it's not your fault because there is no party that holds a fault in this. But what I am going to say is that we people hold on to the past way too much. And, that way, what we don't know is that it breaks down our future. You told me that you let go of your past but I have to say, Rhea, you let go of the wrong things. You let go of all the good things and allowed all the bad to conquer you"

"But, I deserve it. Hell, I even feel illegal doing this" I tell her.

"No, you don't. You don't get to decide what you deserve. You cant choose this and tell 'ha, this is what I deserve'. You get what you deserve Rhea. And at this point, you get a chance to look at the future and live in the present. I'm pretty sure you didn't choose this. You just let it happen" her words hit my stomach.

"We all make mistakes Rhea and just because you make two or three flaws does not make your whole life flawed" there's so much depth to her words and I want to believe it but I hold too much baggage that doesn't let me accept it.

"It doesn't fix anything," I tell.

"What you can not fix is your past but you can fix your present and for that, I am here for you. I will help you"

"Okay" I give her a small smile and I knew this was the first step;

Hope.

"Who were you before they broke your heart?"

"I- I don't remember"

"Do you like the person who you were then?"

"Not particularly. She was weak and fragile"

"So do you think you are strong now?"

"Yeah but not strong enough"

"Why is that?" God, there's so many questions.

"Uhh.." I let out a humourless laugh. "Maybe i do things that I'm not supposed to. Like I don't have control of it"

"What do you do?"

"Stop asking so many questions!" I yelled.

"I got one answer. Anger. You cant control it. And I'm asking you many questions is because you have to admit it out loud to know what's wrong" How can this woman be so right but yet again annoying too.

I lift the sleeve of Damien's hoodie showing her my wrist. "I do this. I want to stop but I cant"

"You do that because of a reason from your past. And, it's because you have not made peace with it"

"How the fuck am I gonna make peace with a past like that!" I snapped back.

"You are blaming yourself for something that was out of your hand. The people who died was meant to die. For fucks sake we all are and in a world like this the people who left before us are the lucky ones. Beleive it or not I'm pretty sure they are glad that they found eternal peace. Rhea, you did not purposefully crash the car and you did not pull the trigger on Noah. I know that because if you did you wont be like this"

"Its not about the ones who died. It's the collateral damage their death caused which I played a part in. Look at this, I'm a messed up a piece of shit, my mother is a raging alcoholic, my father left and found a new family and my younger brother Jared is living somewhere with no family. I ruined my whole family. My family was my happiness. I would've died to keep them happy but instead I led my family to their downfall" I said tears flowing down my cheeks.

"Rhea..."

"No! I'm sorry I cant do this" I walk out of her study and out of the house. Wearing an oversized hoodie and a sweat pants that hardly hung over my hips I run. I don't where but I run so fast trying hard not to tremble with the tears flowing down. I go through a forest that came to an end to a river that was led by a deck. I walk to the edge of the deck and dropped down to me knees, panting and trying to control my tears.

After a moment of just staring into oblivion and tears had dried out I wanted get up go back but I couldn't. I have got to know that constantly I lose the control of my own self. Right now, I want to get back on my feet but my body says otherwise. So, I listen to my body and just sit there letting the breeze hit my face, my legs dipped inside the water and gripping the edge of the deck holding my dear life.

I loved the water and the whole concept of it but I feared the abysmal. When I look at this river I see how calm and quite it is but I know that under this calmness holds life and death. Life of little fish and plants; death of such too. Even people. They get into the water for fun and the joy it gives but some get in so that their life would be deposited in the abyss and the calm nature of the waters will enclose the horror beneath.

My life is like this river. Calm in guise but internally both dead and alive.

"It's beautiful isn't it"

"Fuck. You scared me"

"Did Lily send you?" I asked Damien after a moment of silence just sitting beside each other.

"No" I look at his line of sight and I saw the ripples forming in the river.

"wanna know the worst thing that happened in my life?" he asked.

"Okay"

"I ODd last year and almost died. I spent eight months in rehab. Thats not the worst part of it" I looked at him and he was still staring into nothing.

"The worst is what happened to my mother. The way she looked when I had a needle struck to my veins, the look she had when I was gasping for air, the look she had when I was taken to rehab and the way she looked when I came back home. Now, I know what she exactly felt. I know what it feels like to see someone so dear to you on the verge of giving up on life. I know how scared and how helpless she was because that's exactly what I felt when you woke up from your nightmare and locked yourself in the bathroom" he takes my wrist and plants a kiss on it. Damine brings his hand up to my face to wipe a tear off.

"She never gave up. She fought for me, day and night and I'm going to do the same. I might not be able to save you but I wont let you go through it alone. Rhea, I promise you that I will hold you when you are fighting through your nightmares. I will help you control yourself when you are unruly. Simply, if I tell it in your words I will walk in that tunnel with you. I'm sorry I can not save you and make it all perfect but I will make it better" he cupped my face, staring right at me and I wrap my arms around his neck and hugged him. I hold on to him with life. His smell run through my nose and down to my whole body, spreading that calmness into my body. His arms wrapped around my body tell me that I am protected and treasured. His lips pressed on my neck tells me that I am cared and loved for.

What!

***

"You ran all the way here?"

"Mhm"

"Okay I know that smile. What do you want?" Told you this boy knows me like an open book.

"Can I drive? please" I pleaded as we walked through the woods back to his car.

"Fuck No!" I let go of his hand and moved away dissapointedly. Within a matter of seconds he pulled me back to him, hugging me from the back. "I'll let you drive only if you promise me not to crash and you will go out to dinner with me" he whispered to my ear, hugging me tightly.

"Are you forcing me into a date?" I ask.

"No not forcing I'm telling. Because, you have no choice love"

"Ah, and they say chivalry is dead" I said dramatically.

"Funny" he let go of me and we walked to the car.

"Keys?" I asked and he threw it to my hands. We got in and it took me some time to adjust in to all of this. "Nothing different from any other cars right?" I ask him.

"Nope" I started the engine and accelerated to get the car back on road.

"What do you wanna eat?" he asked turning the radio.

"So, now you are giving me a choice" I said speeding the car.

"I mean I cant control everything now can I?" he said and kept his hand on my thigh.

"Let's just get drive through and go to the rink"

"Perfect" a comfortable silence spread until Damien started humming to the song. I smiled and speed the car faster.

"Rhea slow down" he said calmly, scrolling through his phone.

"shut up and stalk some girls ig page" I tell.

"You know what I might as well, will" he said tightening his grip on my thigh.

"Okay and don't forget to show me how fake her tits are" he let out a loud laugh. "You're just saying that because you got small ones" he teased.

"leave my boobs alone" I tell giving him a pissed look.

"Never. I fucking your love tits" he said and I felt his hands move up my thigh up to the waist band and I re adjust my self on the seat.

"I'm driving Damien and this time if I crash the fault is yours"

"Okay okay hands on the leg" I let out a small laugh and pulled the car to a McDonald's drive thru.

We got our food and I drove to the skating rink. The weather was gloomy and it was almost dark. Normally at this time there would be skaters all around theplace but it was jus two or three who was just sitting and chilling around; probably because it was close to raining.

"It's gonna rain is it?" I asked before we get out of the car.

"When did the rain stop Rhea Sangster" he said and got out of the car, the food in his hand. I get out of the car and joined him on where he was sitting. Our legs was hanging down on the edge of the rink. I look at Damien's hand gripping the edge, the tattoos peeking from his black shirt which was folded up to his elbow. It was a tattoo of a snake coiled around, from his elbow down to his wrist. Other small tattoos of little insects and roman numbers to some words written in slanted writing scattered in his forearm. It was interesting to look and hella attractive. I look up at him to see his already staring down at me with a small smile.

"Why a snake?" I asked taking a bite from my food. And, yes Damien had being forcing some food into my system.

"It means re-birth, power. I got it when I was fifteen"

"What"

"Just as I went to live with my father. I didn't fall into the correct people so I had a friend who was a tattoo artist"

"What about the roman numbers?" I asked as I traiced my finger over the numbers.

"This was the happiest day of my mother's life" he said showing me the tattoo right below his bicep.

"What was it?" he let out a small laugh. "the day I said my first words" he said.

"Aw that's cute"

"She practically forced me into this" Damien said annoyingly and I brushed my thumb over the tattoo on his wrist which was another roman numbered date.

"This?" I asked as he looked at his wrist. He gave a small smile and looked away without answering.

"What about it Damien?" I asked seriously.

"Nothing special" he muttered still looking away from me. I took out my phone to get the date in numbers.

"What was on this date?" I told, holding my phone at his face.

"Nothing you have to worry about" he said looking at me a with a stupid smile. Now, this was a time that I wish I had his ability to know whether people are lying or not.

"Never have I ever and why?" I asked letting go of his hand.

"Seriously Rhea its nothing" he said giving out a little laugh.

"Never have I ever has some other girls birthday or some shit tattooed on your wrist?"

"Why did your mind go to 'some other girl'?"

"You never talked about your past relationships and it has being nagging me a lot" I tell honestly.

"First of all, I never got a tattoo for an other girl, secondly there was never a serious relationship to talk about and thirdly can I kiss the question about the tattoo off your mind?"

"I refuse to believe that you have never being in a relationship and no! you can not"

"Well, I have been in two or three relationships but nothing serious and please?" he said bringing his hand to hold mine but I move away.

"What do you mean by nothing serious?"

"I normally fuck and drop" he said casually.

"Are you still fucking and dropping?"

"I'm not fucking now arent I?"

"But you will"

"No Rhea I wont have sex with you and dump you. If I will I already would've"

"And the tattoo was the first day I saw you. The first ever happiest day of my life" he said looking right ahead of us. And, I felt butterflies erupting in my stomach.

"You have a tattoo for me" I said more than of a question.

"Told you I don't get tattoos for other girls" he said nonchalantly.

"Alright, alright sorry for the accusations" I tell looking at me legs dangling on the edge. I bring up my right leg up to my chest and Damien twirled his fingers on my anklet with a smile on his face.

"You are still wearing it" he said almost in a whisper.

"Um yeah but- how?"

"I gave it" he said looking at me and tucked my hair behind my ear.

"No, you did not" I let out a small laugh.

"Hm, let me guess you got it for your fifteenth birthday, you found it on your bed and you never knew who gave it. Am I right?" what!

"How?" I asked in confusion. How was it even possible and I had being wearing this since the time I got it and it had being with me through all my shit.

"I had my mom drop it at your house"

"Why?"

"It's drizzling" he said looking up at the dark sky, totally avoiding my question and I decided not to push it any further. The water droplets fall down to my cheeks and a though crossed my mind. I got up on my feet and walked to the car. I started the car and connected my phone to the speakers, Always by Isak Danielson blasting through the speakers. I keep the door open and walked back to Damien as the rain caught up. He looked at me when the music started playing.

"Can I have this dance, honey?" I asked hugging him from the back and giving a kiss on his cheek.

"Its raining Lia" He said getting up on his feet. I tilted my head up to look at him and I kept both my hands on the back of his neck. "I though the rain never stopped me" I whispered to him as he brings his hands to my waist and pulled me closer to him. The rain soaking us wet and we sway to the music. I started singing the words to the song and Damien let out a small laugh. He dipped his head on the crook of my neck. His lips pressed against my neck warming down my whole body. Damien pulled away and twirled me around as the beat changed. He pulled me back keeping my hands back at his neck and his touch spread from my wrist to my arm then around my waist, under the hoodie and his warm hands pressed against my spine; holding me tight. I placed my forehead against his and closed my eyes. And, in a moment like this I feel like there is only life in me.

A/N - NOT A BIG FAN OF LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT OR FIRST LOVE BUT THISSS. I WOULD SELL MY SOUL FOR A DAMIEN.

THANK YOU FOR READING AND DONT FORGET TO VOTE.

-PEACE