"Oh f**k! Where is the freaking matchstick!" I was going through whole things around the room.

Making the mess of an already messed up room.

Finally I found one under the bed.

I took the cigarette, brought it to my lips and carefully lit it.

Deep inhaling.

Eyes closed.

People usually have relaxation in such position. But I didn't.

All I have is My regrets!

My anger!

My wrong decisions!

My messed up life!

My freaking thoughts and the flashbacks of those horrible moments when I was a complete jerk and a beast!

I coughed.

"Ahhh!"

Coughed a little harder to fall from the bed.

I adjusted myself in an half lying position and put my head on the bed side.

I looked at my hands that had blood.

Blood reminds me of all the incident!

Those all memories and flashbacks haunts me like a worst nightmare!

All these sleepless nights and dark days!

I feel so sick of living even!

Loving her wasn't hard!

But knowing that she HATES me, is making it all way too difficult to even breath!

"Please soha! I am....am Sorry! Mujhe ...maaf kar do ...ple.."

"Sheharyar?" The sudden melodious voice of the only person I wanted right now rang through my ears.

I couldn't see properly but managed to recognize her presence.

I rubbed my eyes and there she was.

Standing in a white frock that reached her feet. Looking like and angel she is.

But she ... no!... she is the real one.

"Not again please! I am tired of your illusions. You are not real!" I shook my head and didn't looked her way in a hope of my illusion to leave me alone.

"My arrogant rude mister! Ye kia halat banai hui ha? Kamre ki halat dekho zara. Bander ho kia? Itna messed up room! " My eyes snapped open soha or may be her illusion walked in the room and made an angry and scolding look.

Her illusion was always the sweet and lovely one.

She.... she is the... real...one... she ....cam..came...

I tried to stood up but again fell on the floor. But as always she came to hold me.

I was looking at her face in an utter surprise.

Was she really here? She won't disappear now?

My thoughts broke as small and fragile yet cold hands met my face and they hold my face in them.

"I am here!" I, for a second, didn't believed.

I raised my hands slowly to her face and ever so lightly touched her cheeks as if she was a delicate piece of and art.

Well! She is one!

I ,carefully yet with fear inside me that she would might disappear again, touched her cheeks and then my whole hand hold her face.

"I... ca...can't believe...I..." I couldn't say anything further so I did what I was dying to do for a whole month that was no more than centuries for me.

I hugged her.

I cried in her embrace.

I cried harder!

"I... soha.... I ...sorry ...mai... mai aisa nahi hun. I didn't killed.... our...baby... I ...gussay mai... tum...accident ho gaya ....mai... woh..sab..."

I wasn't making any sense.

All my senses were out right now.

"Shhh....shhh...shhh... stop crying! I am here!" Her soothing words!

Her warm hug and her fragrance is enough to make me relax!

I didn't let her go.

I kept hugging her like I was a freaking craver of this and I really was!

The moment when you are trying to find peace but couldn't find!

Then all of a sudden all your peace of mind is found, you won't let it go easily.

I also wasn't gonna let her go now! Never ever.

I hugged her more tightly and hide myself in her crook of neck.

She was hugging me back! That was what makes me jump with happiness.

"Sh...Sheharyar " her voice made me release a bit but I didn't let her go yet.

She forced me to look at her and I did.

She was also changed.

Black patches under her eyes were the proof of her endless tears.

"What have you done to yourself?" She asked while touching my grown-up beard.

Out of all the questions that werr floating in her eyes of why I didn't everything to her or why I hurt her to an endless point! This is what she asked for?

Still caring for me!

"I... co...couldn't li...live like this... I... am the... reason for...all thi..this ... I ... " I hung my head low in front of her.

Just like a culprit in front of the court!

"Are you really sorry for what you did?"

She really was a mystery! No one could understand her fully.

I nodded furiously and brought both my hands together and asked for forgiveness.

She took both my hands in hers and said,

"Ab se meri har baat manai gay?" I again nodded.

"Toh phir woh sab kiu kar rahy hain jis se mujhe nafrat nai?" I looked at her and than caught what she is saying.

I stood up and took all the cigarette packs and threw it all in trash.

"Na...nahi karu ga koi bhi kam jo tumhay acha na lagta ho. Just.... forgive me and come back. " she smiled at my statement and hold my arm and dragged me towards the door.

"We are all warriors,

Against a war, we fights inside us. But what we forget while fighting this fight is, that our beloved ones also beside us. Our any move shouldn't effect them in the process. "

soha was speaking ever so slowly while we both came out of that room where I had been since a month.

"I am sorry..." I again stopped at the door and looked at her.

"Its too late to say so! But I have forgiven you. I had loved you beyond the limits to even recognize your mistakes. I have always been with you. Either physically or mentally. "

I was still looking at her and understanding of what she just said.

That doesn't makes sense!

Physical or mentally being with me?

"Now lets go to another room so that you may feel better. "

We both walked towards the other room just beside that one.

As we entered I saw some medicines and a drip with some injections placed over there on the side table. I looked at her face and then she nodded in understanding. I was about to move towards the bed when she pulled me and walked us towards the bathroom.

She then made me sit near the bathtub. My eyes were fixed on her every move. She took a towel from the cupboard and then wet it with water in the sink. Then she brought it near my face.

"Mera handsome husband jisay apni appearance and neatness ka itna khayal rehta tha. Woh aisa kaisay ban gaya?" She asked slowly yet with hurt expressions while cleaning my face with the wet towel.

"Muhabat ka khoon kar chuka tha. Apno ko hi agg mai jala dia tha.

Itna kuch karne k baad saaf safai ka hosh nahi raha. "

She stopped for a second and looked directly in my eyes.

A tear felled from her eye that I catched instantly.

"Tumhay mane in k siwa aur dia hi kia ha soha? Phir bhi tum mera khayal karne aa gai ho. Kiu?" My every word was a whisper.

She ignored my question and cleaned my face and then her thumb rested on my lips.

Bleeding lips!

She then moved towards my hands towards the shower and washed my hands with soap and then rinsed them off.

When she was drying them with towel I looked at my hands.

"They are clean but I still don't have you in them. Yeh hatho ki lakero mai tum kiu nahi ho soha... mai...dhoond dhoond k thak...thak gaya hun. " I was again crying and this time she didn't stopped me.

She did what I was dying to do so.

She brought her hands to my face and kissed my eyes slowly.

Then my cheeks, my nose and then her breathing got accelerated but she didn't stopped....

From kissing me.

She closed her eyes and I did too as soon as her lips came in contact with mine.

This was slow and full of love and care.

A kiss of devotion!

A kiss that meant for us union.

A kiss to savour the moment.

A kiss to seal away the past and start a new beginning.

She moved away still breathless even when the kiss was slow and sweet.

"Mai in lakero mai na sahi! Ap k samne to hun!

Mai ap ki qismat mai na sahi! Par ap k sath to hun!

Jisam ya wajood sath na bhi hon!

Meri rooh toh hamesha ap k sath hi hai na. "

"Why are you talking about soul and mentally presence! I can't imagine to even lose you! Just don't... don't talk like this. " I again hold her hand and she smiled and whispered.

"You have lose me. " her answer made me worried.

"Wha..t?"

"Nothing. Come on. " she took us both out of bathroom she placed me on the bed. Then she removed my shirt that had blood on it and gave me a new one.

I weared it.

"Jab log bemar hoty han toh doctor k pass jaty han. Ap itnay dino se bemar thay! Kisi doctor ko kiu nahi dikhaya?" She asked while I just hold her hand meanwhile and said,

"I... woh..." I couldn't answer her.

After everything I did to her! She was still here.

She then asked me to open my mouth.

I did as she told me because all I wanted was her to be near me.

I didn't let go of her hand in all this process because whatever it was, I still feared of her leaving me again.

"Sheharyar? Mera hath ek minute k liye choray gay? I have to add those injections in the drip and then woh drip ap ko lagani hai. " her voice was feather like and I just want to hear her.

My eyes had craved for her sight!

My ears had craved for her voice!

My senses had craved for her fragrance!

"No... I ...I don't want any treatment...I just want you. I am fine. I don't need.."

"You just said that you'll obey whatever I say. So what happened now?" She made a serious expression and I had nothing left to do except to obey her.

I just want her.

I nodded and extended my hand for the needle.

She hold the needle and my eyes travelled from needle to her face.

Her face had a hurt expression!

Frown and then hurt. As if the needle was being pricked in her vein.

"Dard toh nahi hua na?"

I shook my head as no. She felt relieved and then made me lie on the bed. She also came and sat on the bed from other side.

I quickly moved and placed my head in her lap while she was busy in placing my hand safely so that the drip won't be disturbed.

She started to stroke my hair the way I love.

I closed my eyes but then snapped open. I sat up and confirmed that she is still here.

"Kia hua Sheharyar?" She asked

"Mai... so gaya to...tum... chali..chali jao gi. " I can't help it. I can't sleep.

"Meri jaan! I am here. I won't go now. Ab toh hamesha yu hi ap k sath rehna hai mujhe. Mane kaha jana ha ab?"

Her answer wasn't enough.

I again laid there but still with open eyes.

"Soha? Tum ne mujhe maaf kar dia hai na? I really am sorry... I promise I would now control my anger. I wouldn't ever scold you I wouldn't ever leave you. " I tightly hold her hand in my free hand.

"Sheharyar! Ap ko pata hai, Jo hum chahty han aur jo hum chuntay han.....

Us k bheech ma kahi na kahi humari kamzori chupi hoti ha... ya phir shayad taqat...

Ap se piyar karna meri taqat bhi hai aur kamzori bhi. Aur insan apni taqat aur kamzori dono k bagair khush nahi rehta. "

"Bas mere sath raho. Mujhe maro, mujhe galiyan do, bura bhala kaho. Do whatever you want to do with me but just be with me. I can't live without you. "

I was drowning slowly but I still kept my eyes open.

"Wase ek baat kahu? Moat bht kia khoobsurat chez ho gi...

Kambakhat jo bhi is se milta ha jeena chor deta ha " her words made me straddle but I guess medicines have had its effects.

"Ma...marne...ki baa..bat mat karo...I... lo..love You.." I was half sleep by now.

"Sheharyar! if u remember anything of me...

After I leave this world...

remember

that I loved! ..

I loved even when it was foolish

I cared even when it was unwanted!

when I am gone...

remember my heart!"

These were the last words I got to hear after which I zooned out.

--------

"Bhai? Are you fine?" I opened my eyes slowly.

I adjusted to the surrounding and then there was haarib sitting beside me on the bed.

I looked around and didn't find soha.

I frowned and sat up.

Everything was same but soha wasn't here.

"Soha kaha gai hai?" At my question haarib gave me a blank expression.

"Asked something! SOHA KAHA HAI? ABHI TOH YAHI THI. " I stood up but couldn't because of that drip. I snatched and pulled the needle out of vein and stood up to find her.

She must be here. I gotta go find her.

"Sherry! Ye... ye kia kar raha hai tu? Soha yaha nahi hai. " he shouted but I didn't listened.

I walked over to bathroom, the other room.

Where are you soha?

"Yar soha yaha nahi ho sakti tujhe kiu nahi samajh aa rhi!"

"Woh yaha ai thi! WOH YAHI THI. SHE .... SHE MOVED ME TOWARDS THE OTHER ROOM. SHE... WASHED MY FACE, MY HANDS... SHE.. WE ...SHE DID ALL THIS DRIP AND THEN WE TALKED FOR SO LONG. WHERE IS SHE NOW? SHE SAID SHE WOULDN'T LEAVE ME. "

I pushed haarib away and searched for her in whole house.

"Woh yaha nahi ho sakti Sheharyar!" He cried.

"Acha toh phir tu bata! Ye drip kaha se ai? Meri ye shirt kis ne badli? Han bol!" I pushed him to a wall and asked.

"Teri shirt mane badli because you had all the blood on it. Jab mai yaha aya to tu bed se neechay ghira hua tha. Behosh tha. Then I put you in the other room and called ifra and she did all this drip and medications to you. " he explained but still this all doesn't makes sense.

"Soha yaha ai thi aur usi ne sab kia tha. TU JHOOT BOL RAHA HA!"

"MAI KIU JHOOT BOLU GA? AUR SOHA YAHA NAHI AA SAKTI. WOH YAHA KAISAY HO SAKTI HAI?" his question made me frown and I punched him hard.

"Ki nahi ho sakti woh yaha? Huh!" I asked with range and anger inside me.

"BECAUSE SHE HAS BEEN DEAD IN A CAR ACCIDENT 4 HOURS AGO "

~~~~~~~~