CHAPTER SONG - Unsteady, X Ambassadors

Kirsan looked down at me, cool as a cucumber just liked I wished to be as I counted through the longest minute on my life. I never realized how long a single minute was, not tell now. Usually, it goes by in a blink but in this moment, it just dragged on endlessly. It was liking being under water I realized, and holding your breath to see how long you can. It feel's forever, like you've been there for a solid two minutes, and you come up and it's only been twelve seconds.

"You're fine, Lina, you understand that, right?" Kirsan asked, repeating the okay part as I continued to count.

I know he keeps saying I'm okay but for some reason his words don't have the same effect as Mateo's. His I don't believe as deeply. I was okay, I knew I was, but my mind thought different. In my head I wasn't okay, and I couldn't stop shaking because of it. My whole body was trembling no matter how hard I tried to steel it, it just wouldn't listen. Kirsan blinked at me, and I at him.

Before Ash got here, Tony cornered me, and hovering over me. He yelled at me like I was in the wrong for everything, yelled nasty things.

"You have that idiot following you everywhere. I can't even talk to you!"

"Are you fucken serious? We were together for a year, and you can't give me the time of day to talk?"

"You rather get fucked by that piece of shit?"

He use to never cuss at me, but in that moment he was steaming and all his words were harsh enough to stab me over and over. They echoed in my mind even as I tried to ignore them. His body towering over mine, trapping me there and reminded me of the last time I was trapped. I swore to never be in that position ever again, and he put me there.

This time, I tried to fight though. I hit his chest, hoping he would back up but he caught my wrist and held them above my head. And again, I lost the fight. Again, I was left weak, trapped, and helpless. I tried, I tired this time.

Kirsan sighed. "Dear, you're okay. What happen, it won't happen again. He won't let it." he explained, his arm's tightened around me. I couldn't see past him. I could hear all the noise, the yelling, and the grunting of pain but I just counted. It was the only thing keeping those tears from tipping over and spilling down my face. I did what Mateo told me to do, I counted. He trusted Kirsan, and I trusted Mateo.

"Okay, okay." Kirsan exhaled a stressed breath, "Please, stop shaking. I already had to witness a girl cry today, and it was horrible. She wouldn't ask for help, or let me fix it. Now, your crying, and I can only take so much. So please, don't cry, don't shake, and just relax." he pleaded, his face creasing in discomfort as he tugged at my back. I cant imagine how uncomfortable this must be for him, to hold me, to see emotion, to not understand.

Inhaling deeply, as the breath itself shook inside me, I just counted, "Forty-eight Mississippi."

Kirsan's clenched his jaw. "Okay, if I confide in you, can you keep that between us?" he asked and I know his trying to distract me from this need to curl up in a ball right now. I appreciate that so much and gave him my best nod, looking directly up at his amber golden eyes that watched me with wary, and uneasiness.

He nodded, inhaling a little. "There's this girl." he said, pausing for a second and rolling his gaze up into the sky. It made me realize this was a touchy topic for him, but he didn't let that stop him. He kept going, lacking any emotion in his tone, "She's so fucken stubborn, insufferable, vexing and deadly gorgeous. And she's struggling. I see it hunting her, and I wish she would ask for help because I would."

His hard gaze shot down at me, intense and burning with frustration and awe. I wondered if he wished he could tell her this instead of telling me. Something about his look told me he did.

He ran his tongue through his teeth before talking about, "I would help her. If only she asked. Except she won't because she think's I am a delusional human who doesn't believe in love. Who can't be vulnerable and that stops her from asking for help. I for one don't understand why it matters. I don't care for her emotional games, I only care that it doesn't effect me and right now they do. She say it will show weakness, and unfairness and she not welling to give me that. And I won't give it to her, so, we play. We go round and round until both of our heads are spinning so hard that we want to puke but we just keep going because neither of us can give each other up."

He inhaled like he lacked air, and it shook, making me tighten my arms around him. I realized then that his confession distracted me, but it also took a big weight off his chest. A weight that he carried daily, and it was burying him. I watched him sink a little, arms loosing around me as he leaned in giving himself this random, inappropriate, but much needed hug. We had different reasons for it, but we both needed it.

"You don't believe in love?" I whispered, leaning my head on his chest for the first time in this long minute.

"No. It's a sickness with no cure, or medication. I'm not selling my soul to feel some mediocre emotions. If I am going to allow myself to experience anything, it will not be such a basic emotion. If I finally allow something to break me, it won't be for anything less then endless passion." he replied, softly plain but I knew how hard it was to give me this part of himself. Except what he didn't realize was passion is just another form of love. But I had no energy to burst his bubble.

Mateo said he would be here by sixty and that was all I had to get too. Then, I would be safe. I would be okay because his arms were the only place I truly felt safe right now. His steeled hold on me kept me secured enough for me to catch my breath. And in his hold I knew nothing would happen because he said so, and I trusted his word.

I counted. "Fifty-nine, Mississippi." And right then, he appeared from behind Kirsan, and I sprung at him, taking the biggest breath I could because finally the water drained out of my throat. He already had his arms open and when I was tucked into the safety of his chest, he wrapped them around me. "I got you love, you got me." he repeated.

You got me. The words pulling at my crying heart and warmed it, soothed it, and wiping its tears. My breathing was completely unsteady and rapid as I dug my face deep into his hold and squeezed my eyes shut. Here is the only place my mind believed it was safe even thought I perfectly understood that I was okay, I was fine, and I could walk away from here, except I couldn't. He was brave against the world, strong enough to face it and I wasn't.

Somewhere behind him I heard the door swing open and a second later someone was screaming my name. I lifted my head just barely but enough to see past Mateo were Sara stood, mouth hanging open and eyes widened in shock. I made it a point not to look at him, I knew if I did, I might puke.

She scowled, marching at him. "You piece of fucken shit!" she yelled, slamming her foot into his side, making him grunt in more pain. From the small glance I got of him, he looked bad, really bad but I couldn't find it in me to care right now. I'm sure I will later but right now I could only focus on trying to stop trembling.

Maddox grabbed Sara, pulling her back. "We got it." he chuckled, glancing at Mateo in amusement but Sara growling, wiggling in his grip and trying to get out. "Let me go! I'm going to kick his ass."

Ash waved his hand at Tony on the floor. "It's kicked already. See.." he kicked him, again and Tony groaned out. "All kicked out."

Sara shook her head. "Not fucken enough!" she snapped, started to hit Maddox to let her go, who dodged all her punches before finally letting her actually go. Taking a step back he sighed. "Do your worst."

I watched her fly at him, kicking him over and over and over. Finally, after all her anger dissolved, she spun around, finding me and marching in my direction. She stopped to the side of me, and I peered at her from the chest I had my cheek pressed into. I had no plan to go anywhere, no plan to even move. And she eyed me with worry creasing her brow's. "Are you okay?" she asked, heavily out of breath.

I swallowed, feeling the lump still there and gave her a nod because words wouldn't form. "Let me take you home." she told me, putting her hand onto my shoulder and causing me to panic. I didn't want to leave, I—I ---.

Mateo's hand circled on my back. "You're okay love, take your time. When you're ready I'll take you home. Don't rush yourself, I'll be right here the whole time." he said in a shushing manner, and I relaxed back in his arms.

Lord? Can you hear me? It's been a terrible few hours, but thank you for the patience this man possesses, and thank you for sending him my way.

Mateo looked over at Sara. "I'll take her home but don't ever bring her to one of those fucken party's again, not without me." he demanded, his voice so deep I felt it come out of his chest beneath me and I watched Sara's eyes widened before she nodded at him and looked back at me. Pressing her lips together, she regarded me for a second before speaking again, "You going to be, okay? I can sleep over. Or call your sister?"

I shook my head. Oh, please no, not my sister. She would create this into an even bigger problem and only blow it up to the point that it's going to get worse. She will lock me in the house like Rapunzel or move me into her house and use her hawk eyes to watch my every move. Panic struck my chest at the thought and I shook my head wildly feeling the headache coming on. "No, It's okay. I'm okay." I whispered, knowing if I don't give her an answer, she might actually call my sister.

Sara regarded me for another second before turning her attention to Mateo. "You." she pointed her finger directly at him, "Get her home safe because I know who you are. I know where you live. I know what car your drive. I know who your related too, and I will hurt you if she isn't okay."

Maddox chuckled from somewhere behind Mateo and a second later appeared. "Okay then, let's go before you start kicking him too." he said, directing himself towered Sara who was still glaring at Mateo.

Finally, she turned back to me, giving me one final look and then left with Maddox who winked at me before trotting off. Eventually the noises faded enough for me to know we were alone. I was alone, in Mateo's arms and he was still calmly breathing, and rubbing his hand on my back.

I sighed. "Thank you." I whispered even if the words still hurt in my throat. But Mateo shook his head softly. "Don't thank me for saving you love, I'll save you a million more times if you need it."

I relaxed into his arm, just standing there. My head was throbbing, and my whole body was still painfully aware of the panic it fell into a little while ago. I was weak now, so utterly weak that all I could do was lean into Mateo and let him hold me there. I was tired. So tired. Mentally, physically and in every other way. I just wanted to sleep, and I wanted to feel safe forever, but I knew I couldn't. I couldn't stay in his arm's forever and that broke my heart more then I realized it would. It felt like someone opened a wound in me and it wouldn't heal, it just kept getting pick at.

Minutes went by and I relaxed by the second. Until I was basically slack in his arm's, just hanging on.

"Whenever you're ready, I'll take you home." he told me and I titled my head, slowly pulling myself away from him.

He was already looking at me, in that way that said I had his full attention, and for the first time I didn't mind it. I felt content with it because it made me feel safe, made me feel like he would keep that promise to not let anything happen and I knew that his promise won't be forever, but it was enough for now. Enough until I leave this town and never have to see Tony again and then I would find a new way to feel safe again, or I'll just deal with never feeling okay again.

I swallowed, looking past him. I don't know if I can walk through that house without having another panic attack, because I was already too close to it anyways. It was right there, sitting in my chest and trying to get out and it was taking everything in me not to let it out.

He glanced behind himself. "Will go through the back, we won't go inside." he said, reading my mind and making my chest collapsed in a deep breath as relief filled my throbbing head. I lifted my head, rubbing my temple, hoping it would ease the pain. And he turned, extending his hand in my direction for me to grab it. If I had the strength, I would have thanked him again because walking alone felt like I most defiantly will fall onto my face and might not get up.

I slid my hand into his giant hold that seemed to wrap me up and gently gripped before he tug me with him. I followed him around the house, and past the front lawn to the car sitting on the side of the street but when he stopped by it, I froze. My pulse picked up again as I thought about being contained in that car, about the tiny compact car that I would have so little air to breath in, no. No. I couldn't get into it. I needed air, I needed fresh air and to be open. I need space. And as ridiculous as that sounded, it made sense in my head. Panic sunk in my tummy. "I'm actually going to walk." I muttered, cringing at how quite that came out.

Mateo turned, regarding me for a second before pulling his key's out of his pocket and pressing it. The car made a clicking noise. "I'll walk you." he explained making me shake my head. He has already done so much. "Thank you, but you already came all the way out here, I don't want to ruin the rest of your night." I rushed out, chocking on my own words.

I didn't want him to leave, but I wasn't going to be selfish about it either. He took a step in my direction, and I stood frozen. "You didn't ruin anything love, I'll walk you." he said, leaving little room for arguing, and I took a long breath because I really, really didn't want him to leave yet.

Deciding not to fight him about it, I turned in the direction of my house. "This way." I murmured as he walked beside me, still holding my hand as I clung to his.

We walked quietly for a little and the longer we walked the more guilty I felt that he had to come all the way out here, especially after that long game. Plus, he was talking Calley after the game and was most likely with her. That thought made my stomach twist. "I'm sorry If I ruined your plans. I'm sure you were doing something fun before this happened." I said, hating that he could have been with her.

Mateo squeezed my hand. "I was showering, and then I was going to watch an episode with Maddox of that show you told me about, I wasn't doing anything important, love. Coming here was important and even if I was doing something important, I would have dropped it and came. You need to stop apologizing for any little inconvenience. Your important, why don't you believe that?"

He words clung to my heart, squeezing it so hard that it felt like it might explode in my chest. My pulse picked up into a race speed and I stared at the ground with his word's playing in my mind. I always wondered what it felt like to be consumed by someone, because Tony didn't consume me. I could go hour's without thinking about him, maybe days. But Mateo has consumed me. My every thought, my every breath, my ever heartbeat, and my ever dream. He was there, always there lingering like the moon to the sun.

And now, he was here. Rescuing me, fighting for me, calming me, holding my hand and walking me home. Telling me I'm important, when I'm so use to not being that. He was here, consuming me without even realizing it. Ever beat of my heart was driven by him now and I couldn't lie about it. It started long before today, long before yesterday but somewhere around the first time we talked.

He fascinated me, intrigued me, and inspired me to even write again. He came into my life and stole my heart without even realizing what he did and one day he would walk out of my life and a piece of me will go with him. They say love hurts, but what hurt's is knowing that love takes pieces of you and gives them to people who don't realize that they are taking pieces of you to begin with and yet, somehow in this moment I'm okay with giving him pieces of myself. Maybe even all of them, but then what would I be left with when his gone?

He cleared his throat. "Did you know Glock started in 1963, with only three employees?"

My brow's creased in confusion at the random fact, but he kept going, "They also have their own shooting foundation, and it's meant to encourage people to get into competitive shooting, like event's."

I inhaled softly, focusing on the sound of his breathy and smoky voice. With every second that passed, I relaxed more beside him. The thickly sound of his voice, beating me into a calm. And threw all that he kept going with his random facts, "The Glock 17 is named after the number patent that was filed by Mr. Glock during development of that pistol."

I shivered, a small smile growing on my face. He was trying, really trying right now and I would give him credit. I have no idea what he was talking about, but his voice was soothing me and relaxing me enough that I was slowly feeling less weak. "The Glock 42 is also manufactured in the US, and its the first single stack pistol created by Glock." he explained.

I remember his random advice when we first met, advice about hiding spots and now his spitting facts about Glock's like its nothing. He was so different that I found myself interested in him. He was quiet, but when he spoke you knew to listen. It was almost instinctual because whatever was going to come out of him was either going to be demanding or beautiful and there was no in-between. That was what he was, he was wild spirted, stoned souled, and sweet hearted. He was touched by the sun and kissed by the moon and created by magic. Dark, dirty, beautiful magic that glowed in his eyes with every blink.

"There are six other colors' then black that Glock's come in, Olive Drab, Flat Dark Earth, Battlefield Green, and grey. The others are blue and red but those are using only on training pistols."

I was grinned at this point, and it was only thanks to him. "That's a lot of information." I told him making his attention swing too me. His chest rose, heavy and ridged before it fall. "You scared me there for a moment." he muttered quietly, looking away with widened eye's like he couldn't believe he just admitted that.

"I didn't mean too." I cringed.

He squeezed my hand, looking back at me plainly again. "I know you didn't, but you did, and I need you to never do that again. I need you to never put yourself in danger like that because I won't be able to handle you getting hurt."

I wouldn't be able to handle if you got hurt too, I thought, but didn't say out loud. The brown in his eyes swirled, consuming the green the longer he stared at me, darkening with the moonlighted night. And with no one beside us walking down the street, I smiled up at him. "I'm okay." I reassured him, even if I didn't know how true that was.