CHAPTER SONG, Moon - Jonah Kagen

"Please come with me." she whispered the word's so softly but they still slammed straight into me like a fucken brick.

They threw me back a little, not physically but internally. They played on repeat, echoing like a hunted noise. But thank fuck for them because I can't think about her going alone. I can't stomach knowing that there was a chance she would have facing him alone. All by her self. That thought rip's me apart in ways that left blazing wounds that never heal.

Use me. I said it. I would say it a million more times. The little boy in my chest has tattooed the words to his fucken forehead and has been yelling them over and over like a broken record. Use me. He is convinced that this will help her, and I'm following his lead because I have no idea what else too do. This isn't who I am. I am putting aside all the fucken thing's I was thought, and everything I believe. All the darkness I had at the tip of my finger tips, at the creak's of my skin, and at the fucken drip of my blood and I'm giving her what the little boy think's she needed.

Wide eyed, jaw dropped, and in pure shock my darkness is standing in the corner trying to process the words use me. Never has he said the words, never has he even thought them. It went against everything he stood for. Terror. Horror. Madness. Manipulation. Those were words he knew. He understood them, and what to do with them. Use me, so forging to him and he didn't like the taste of it in his mouth. The bitterness, the metallic, the sourness. It tasted wrong to him.

They were so fucken foreign to me, and I just said them. I keep saying them. The little boy in my chest knows something my darkness doesn't though. It's the only reason I haven't shut him up. He knows compassion, love, softness, calmness, and intimacy. He learned them at a young age, a long time before the darkness in me shoved him in a cell and locked him up for good.

Now, his trying to teach the beast the meaning of those words. And I know it sounds so fucken stupid, but it's how it feels. Deep in my chest, I feel split in half. Being pulled at the limps in both direction and trying to decide what way I'm supposed to run. I don't know kindness, but I do. I don't know viciousness, but I do. I am both, I know both, but how do I be both? How do I be something I am not? Or am I? I'm so fucken confused that it feels like someone it dragging me in both ways.

The chestnut eyes that are looking up at me, soft and at ease tell me that listening to the little boy was the right move. That I went the right direction. This time. And the soft breaths she release, the collapse of her chest show's just how heavy it really was. How much she was scared and I could hear the fucken wince of the darkness in my ear. Even he knows that the right choose was the little boy.

Lina's delict hand's were still clasped in mine, and I wanted more. I wanted to give this girl anything, and everything she wants. I wanted to protect her like she was mine to protect. I wanted to feel her smile radiate deep into me. I wanted the glow of her eyes to shine like every fucken sunrise. I wanted her laugh to never end. I wanted this girl to feel nothing but happiness and I found myself welling to betray the darkness to give it too her.

I was an idiot for thinking this girl isn't strong. Hell, she is stronger then me. She has lost, she has hurt, and she has had no one protect her from any of it. But I protect those I care about. She spilt tears, but they will be the last once that aren't wiped by me. Anyway I can, I will protect. It's who I was. That much is clear. It's the one thing my parents do have in common. They knew how to protect. And at the end of it, no one threw me to the wolves. I was raised by them, bred to be like them. They come when I call, and I will call every single one of them for her. To protect her.

In front of me, I let go of her hand gently, noticing the anxiety that was starting to make its way back into very bronzed spec of her eyes. I think it was from the crowd of people behind us, or maybe the unfamiliar of this situation. Possibly my touch, or even the thought of meeting her father. Theres to many factor's and I can't be sure which are screwing with her. The one thing I am sure of is it's time to take a page out of my mom's advise, and I came prepared.

Glancing at the ground, I found a good stop. "Sit with me?" I asked, dropping down on the ground and swinging my leg's over the edge of the cliff. The wind whooshing around gripped onto my skin, cooling it. I inhaled, feeling my chest expand wide as I relished in the feeling of being so high on the cliffs. Even thought I wasn't that high, because I have been higher, somehow it felt enough.

Lina regarded me for a moment, before easing down beside me. And I shot out of my hand, keeping myself alert as she lowered herself. Not till she was sitting next to me did I move it back. She smiled, a soft thank you and looked over the cliff. Her feet dangled beside me, and I realized something then. I loved being being high up in the air, but I loved it even more with her beside me. She was what made it enough for me in the moment. I didn't have to be above the cloud's, so long as I'm with her, it's enough to be on the ground too.

She sighed, pulling backwards and I grabbed my backpack, pulling in front of me. My elbow nudge her a little, and I noticed the flinch. It wasn't uncommon with her. Everyone has noticed it, and she's gotten better with it when it come to me. I'll admit, it fucken sucks to have her and Maddox flinching at me all the time but I'm sucking it up.

Kirsan made a point to educate everyone on PTSD. For Maddox at first but then I noticed him adding more information into the binder he made for me. The other information was for social anxiety. Triggers, and calming methods and I know those are for Lina. He gave everyone a binder, exact Ash. Since Ash doesn't have the patience to read a full binder of information, he got an audio tape made by Kirsan himself.

If I could love my bother more, I would.

I unzipped the backpack, pulling out a adult coloring book and coloring pencils. It seems childish, but all of research says it calms the mind, takes away anxiety and that was my goal.

She eyed my movements. "What's that?"

I passed one of the book's over to her, and pulled another one out for myself. "A coloring book. We have animals, or—" I looked at the book in my hand, "'more animals." I chuckled. I asked Aster to order me two books, look's like she thought animals were the way to go.

She giggled, the sound passing her lips and being stolen by the wind to quickly. I wanted to steal it back. "Animals then." she smiled. "Do you like to color?" she asked.

We flipped through the pages. "Never colored before." I replied, choosing a page with a raccoon wearing a hat and some overalls. Oh for fucks sack, why is the raccoon wearing overalls?

Her brow's furrowed. "Not even as a kid?"

"I wasn't the type of child to color. More like use those pencils as weapons to poke your eyes out."

"Oh no. Yeah I would definitely not have given you any craft material then.

I chuckled. "Probably for the better."

She flipped through the book. "Then why are we coloring?"

I turned my head, ignoring the confusions of the raccoon with overalls and looked at her. "We don't have too, if you don't want too.." I just thought it would help.

She shook her head, her words rushing out, "No, no, I'm just wondering. Coloring sounds really fun, I love art and crafts. I do so much all the time. I'm just confused. There's a party over there.." she pointed over her shoulder to the crowd of teenagers going wild before glancing back to the coloring book on her lap, "And we are sitting here coloring. I'm just not understanding why you want to sit with me and color instead of partying like the rest of them."

She words faded out as her check's tinted rosy pink. And I smiled, picking up a blue pencil and glancing at the raccoon. Fuck it. If his wearing overalls, then I'm coloring them blue. Might as well make the little guy look sexy. So without looking up at her, I told her a confession without actually playing the game. "I'm not a party fan. I party, sure, but I mainly do it's for Ash, or Maddox. I don't actually enjoy it, and given the choose I wouldn't go. I don't mind skipping out, I rather be here."

With you.

Anywhere with you.

I kept that to myself.

She nodded, reassuring herself and trying to understand why I'm here. I wanted to make it easier for her, so I kept talking. "I know your not the biggest fan of parties, and I know your only here for Ash. That make's two of us. I'm hoping the coloring will take your mind off the crowd of people over there but don't worry, I'm not doing this for you. I'm selfish after all, so this is about me. I rather not be there."

I rather be with you.

She nodded a little more before picking up her own pink pencil. "That's really kind of you to try to make me feel better, Mateo. Thank you." she said, and I shrugged. I didn't need a thank you. I didn't really even want it. I just wanted a smile. Then it would be all worth it. Just one smile, the kind that lights her whole face, brightens her eyes, and stretch's across her checks. One smile, and everything fades into the horizon.

I looked over at her page that she had stopped on. A bunch of butterflies spread out and you couldn't tell were they start and were they end. And she outlined the figures, before shading in the inside softly. "I have another interview with a scholarship adviser on Friday." she announced out of nowhere.

I dropped my gaze back to my own picture and started coloring. "Right on, love. I'm guessing your first one went good then. What are your plans after school?"

"I'm hoping to get into Steinhardt School of music."

I glanced over at her, pausing my coloring. "Where is that at?"

"New York."

Her words sunk my stomach to my feet. But it's not like I didn't know she was leaving. She was smart and deserved so much. She studied hard and was a basically a straight A student. What did I expect? That she would stay in this little town and do what? I knew in the back of my mind she would leave, but hearing her say it was different. It felt like a sealed coffin. Like a ticking clock-watch counting down to the end of our time together. And that dragged me more then I expect it too.

She titled her head up, looking at me, probably confused by my silence. And I cleared my throat quickly, getting rid of the lingering emotion pressing into my chest and said, "That's great. I'm sure you'll get it."

How pathetic that a piece of me hated that she's leaving. I was fucken cruel for that. She deserved more then this town, more then me.

She smile at me, and I felt the sting of it this time. "It's my dream school. I have always wanted to go there, since I was a little girl. Hopefully this scholarship can get me in, otherwise I'm not sure what I'll do. It would be a sour cherry if I don't get in." she explained, dropping her gaze back to the coloring book but not before I saw the flash of worry in her eyes.

I instantly felt like a even more of a jackass for having a little part of me wish she wouldn't go anywhere. Nudging her, I said, "Come on love, who wouldn't want you? You're like the golden star of the universe. They would be fucken stupid not to take you."

She chuckled beside me, shading in another butterflies in purple. "You're to nice Mateo, you know that right?"

To you. Only you. I can count more than a hundred people that would disagree with her, strongly. Nice isn't a word that the Ramos family get described as. Especially the son of Mateo Vargas, or as the world knows me, the oldest son of Angelo Ramos. His son is the fucken definition of a menace to society. His son is cruel, evil, and a fucken psycho. That's how people knew me. That's how I was raised. Why didn't she see that?

"What do you plan to do after high school?" she asked, as I dropped my head again and dug my pencil into the page.

I wasn't ashamed of what I was going to do. Didn't mean I didn't wish I could give her a prettier answer. She and I lived in different worlds. Different universes for that matter. She was going to go to New York and live out of her dream. I was going to stay in Texas and rule the kingdom. I wanted to, I was born and raised for it. But then why did I feel a little sad that I couldn't say fuck it and leave to New York either? I shut the thought down at lightning speed. I know what I was distant for, and freedom wasn't it.

I swallowed away the dryness in my mouth and licked my lips. "No plans on moving out the state. I'm taking over my dad's business in a few years."

She swung her head up and I wondered why. Was it the drop of my tone, or the wince in my chest. Neither of which she would notice to begin with. Covering that was like fucken second nature at this point. But she searched my face and pressed her plump lips together as if she was bothered. Her brow's creased together, and she blinked slowly at me. I hated how it felt like she could see right though me, so I decided to move on. "Kirsan is going to New York, you might see him around." I announced.

Her brow's spiked. "No way! What school is he going to? What is he going to do? Oh no way! That's so cool. I will have to go out to lunch with him sometimes." She nodded to herself, as if she was making a mental note, or adding Kirsan to a long list she already created of people she would hangout with. How fucken selfish of me to want to be on every list she ever makes.

But her excitement titled my lips up and vanishing away any lingering feeling I had no business of feeling. I answered, coloring the arm of the raccoon. "Lawyer, and his choosing between Columbia or Cornell."

She gasped, making me tilt my head up to look at her. "I know a girl doing the same thing! Her name is Olivia. She's in school with us. You know her? She's the sweetest. She too is deciding between those same school."

I blinked at her for a second, processing that before bursting out laughing. "Fucken Kirsan." I chuckled. It all finally makes since. That's why he didn't graduate last year like he could have. He waited, for her. That's why he choose those school instead of Yale and Harvard were he was already accepted. That's why New York. Fuck, that kid didn't give up. Brownie points to him, at least fucken forty.

My laugher died down, my smile still lingering on my face. "Confession?" I asked.

She nodded, eagerly and I liked that. Liked that I had her attention, her's was the only one that I actually liked having. "Kirsan has some sort of relationship with Oliva, if you can call it that. She's been his fascination sense freshman year. And I finally know why he didn't graduate last year like he could have. All his chooses finally clicked just now."

My brother didn't give up. Three years and counting and his still stumbling over his damn feet for a girl who isn't even looking in his direction. A girl who has told him to fuck off, to his face. Several times for that matter. But that was Kirsan though. From birth, he was stubborn as hell. If he set his mind on something, that was the end of it. He would walk across fucken hell for it. A trait he picked up from our mom. Stubborn loyalty. We all have it, but Kirsan has it on a full maximum level.

Line's lips curled into a full blown smile that eased even me into silence. "You know, he mentioned something at that party a few weeks back when he was helping me. I wasn't quite sure who he was talking about but there's definitely something strong there. Sweet baby panda, that so cute."

I chuckled, starting to color again, and waiting for her confession. It took her a second, and it shocked me when it came. "I'm jealous of you." she confessed.

I titled my head up, furrowing my brow at her confession. "Of me?" I repeated. What about me? I was jealous of her. She was free. Anything she wanted; it was hers. And I'm not talking about the kind of thing's that money can buy, I'm talking about the kind of thing that ease a restless soul.

She nodded. "Of you with you family actually. I know I have mentioned this before but the bond you have, it's so strong. With your bothers, and sister. Even Maddox and Lily. You all love each other and would do anything for each other. You always have someone to turn to when you need it. Someone to have your back. Someone who would go to the end of the world for you. Someone who understands you and loves your endlessly. At the end of the day, you have someone. And that more important then you'll ever know."

My chest collapse at her words because it made me realize she felt like she had no one and that tore me apart in ways I didn't know existed. I wanted to tell her she had me, but for how long? She would be gone soon. Only a few more months and she would get on a plane, and I would stay here. That was the cold truth and there was no changing it. No matter how much I wanted to tear apart the world to change it, I can't. Still, the control freak in me knew I would try.

I straighten. "Love, you'll have that one day. I promise. For what its worth, you have me. For as long as you want, you have me. My brothers are getting pretty attached to you too, even Maddox."

She swung her head at me, giving me a twisted look of uncertainty. "Maddox?" she said before shaking her head like she didn't believe it, "Maddox only hangs out with me because of you. If it wasn't for that, he wouldn't care. Honestly, I'm not really sure why even you care. I know that sounds kind of mean but it's true. I can't find a reason why you go out of your way to care. Please don't think I don't appreciate all you do for me, because I do but I'm just confused is all."

My jaw ticked, slamming shut so hard that it rubbed the back of my teeth together painfully. I had a million reasons. And I wished I could tell her them, but I can't. They are all locked in the back of my throat, and I couldn't push them out. So instead, I settled on something that was easier to say. "These small moments we have together, you have no clue how much they mean to me. They are my happy moments, the seconds I go back and relive. Truthfully, love, I was mere moment from losing myself to unbelievable darkness when you ran into that locker room. I almost didn't recognize myself anymore, I still don't sometimes. I was so far gone that I could see the fading light but then you ran in like a spark. And you lit me before I was fully gone."

She stared at me, unblinking as she sucked in a deep breath and I found my own breath gone. I had a million reasons why I was sitting here with her. A million and one for that matter. Like the fact that near her, I don't feel like I am fading. Near her, I don't feel like the air is to thick and I'm fighting for it. Near her, I feel like I can look at myself and like me. Near her, I feel like I know who I am. Like she see's the real me, and I'm desperate to see him too.