After that small argument I had with Xandra at her house 2 days before, I decided to be alone. I mean it's not my fault that I felt utterly shock by her sudden confession right? We were just fooling around watching movie together at first when suddenly I found her mood kinda shifted a bit. But who am I kidding, I just plainly pinned her down on her bed and when I remembered it correctly, our face were really closed to each other. I can almost feel her hard breath on my face but maybe I was too busy studying her flustered face to anaylize anything else.

Then when she pushed me aside and asked me to leave, I'm not gonna pretend like it's nothing because it hurts like hell! I understand that maybe she needed her space but I'm her best friend and she should be able to tell me everything. That's why I didn't leave and decided to hold her to show that I'll always be there for her. But apparently I just made it even worst when she had a breakdown in front of me.

And when she confessed that she has feelings for me... Oh gosh! I didn't know what to think or say at that time. She even apologized to me just because she has a feeling more than just a bestfriend. I mean no one should ever feel guilty to have feelings for anyone right but being the coward as I am, I just left.

There are a lot of mixed feelings inside of me now. I don't know if I have feelings for her like that but I do know I always love her. She always being there for me. When my first boyfriend dumped me, she's just there to hold and comforted me. When I missed my late dad too much, she'll entertain me and make me laugh until I forgot the pain for awhile. Her family is too nice to me. I know they love me dearly like their own daughter. When my mom is too busy, and I never blame my mom because she has her own reason, but Xandra's family will always make it up for it. Alexandra is totally the best thing that I have the privilege to have, but now I don't know if I still have the privilage or not.

We seldom involved in a relationship with anyone. I don't know whether it's a coincidence or whatnot but I can't even maintain my previous relationships. And Alexandra just don't want to involved herself with anyone because for her she prefered to enjoy her single life and that she will always have time for me. It's such a sweet thing coming from her that time but now when I think back about it, did she already have feelings for me back then?

Sigh..

I'm such a horrible person and friend to be so oblivious in this situation! Maybe sometimes I realized she's being quite flirtatious and affectionate, but best friend do that everytime right? We always tease each other and sometimes I can see her blushing and I can't lie but to admit that's one of the beautiful sight of her. With her golden blonde hair and her fair skin, she will never can hide when she blushed. And don't ever forget about how mesmerizing her blue eyes are. I can never look at anything else when her stunning blue eyes decided to stare at me randomly and when I asked her why she'll just shrug it off.

She is really beautiful outside, but she has even more beautiful personality as well. Owh wait! Why am I thinking every little details about my best friend like this? I'm not...'bent' right? I'm straight as pole, as an arrow or anything straight we can have. I've always been taught by my abuela that those bent people is some kind of abomination to the world. They shouldn't exist and that she will never tolerate that kind of behaviour. I'm straight.. Right??..

...........................

I skipped class today as well. It's been two days and my mom already bugged me about it. I just simply told her that I'm not feeling well and being the only favourite child that I am, my mom just allowed me to do so. She even called the principle to inform about my absent. She is the best mom ever and I wonder what's her opinion about LGBTQ community..

WAIT! Why I even want to know her opinion about that? It's not like I'm a part of that community right? Damn you Alexandra to mess up with my head and feelings like this..

Then, I heard someone knocked on my door. Maybe mom has something to tell me before she went to work. But I thought she's already downstairs ready to go.

And when I open my door, there she is! Standing quite awkwardly in front of my bedroom while slowly biting her lower lip. Her brows raised a bit when she saw me and I know there are active turning wheels inside of that pretty head of hers.

She just simply threw herself on my bed and started some small talks. She even placed her hand on mine when she asked about my well being. I felt some electricity jolted through her hand that make me flinched a bit, my stomach even feel quite uneasy but maybe it's because I didn't have my lunch yet. I was lost in my own thoughts when I heard she asked,

" You feel disgusted with me right?.."

And there's some hurtful expressions I spot on her beautiful face. I mean WHAT? How could she think I will ever feel disgusted by her?..

"Wha-what?? N-no! Why should I?", I tried to make an eye contact with her to show that I really meant my words, that I'll never feel any other feelings besides love. Platonic love of course! But there's something in her eyes that hold this unknown emotion and I guess it affected me as well, thus I broke off the eye contact.

"Well because now you know the fact that I have feelings for you. You don't even want to go near me right?

The way she said it calmly sounds like she already gave up on me and that she didn't care now. Has she already moved on from me? I should feel happy with that right that I got back my best friend without any other complicated feelings, but why I feel there's this unexplained disappointment in me?..

Then she proposed a so-called solution to our situation. That kinda surprised me but I feel quite elated to that idea.

SHE ASKED ME TO BE HER GIRLFRIEND??!

I mean fake girlfriend but that besides the point. It's like a step forward from bestfriends to girlfriends. It scares me a bit to think what will be the outcome from this situation but I guess we should try it before conclude anything.

But wait,

"But then during our pretend period, people gonna assume I'm a...lesbian??.."

I just don't know what to expect from this, I don't know what should I feel. But I know friends from our school already so open-minded but then what if my mom found out? And worst what if my abuela know that her precious granddaughter is involved in this kind of abomination according to her... God why it's so hard to be in this situation??..

"Humm yeahhh just for 13 days. And after that you can just say it's a phase and you are straight and that you still think it's wrong! Whatever just give me 13 days.."

Seriously? Are things just going to be okay after this? I mean, I'll get my best friend back no matter what right? And not that I'll fall for her like that? I still love her as my best friend right? And she can move on and we'll still talk about everything like we always do right?

Why the hell this sounds like I'm trying to convince myself?? That I didn't like Alexandra like that but who knows after this maybe...

Ok stop it!

"Then I guess you've got yourself a deal..", maybe this is the right solution then.

And she smiled instantly after that, a genuine smile that light up her whole angelic face. Ok that sounds so gay Kristen Samantha!

"And I guess I got myself a girlfriend.."

The way she said it make myself...melt? a bit.. Maybe it's not that bad to be someone's girlfriend, in a same sex relationship because it's Alexandra Nichola, my best friend of 8 years after all.

Guess I just can patiently wait what will come after this...