"Let me be the one you call

If you jump I'll break your fall

Lift you up and fly away with you into the night

If you need to fall apart

I can mend a broken heart

If you need to crash then crash and burn

You're not alone." Savage Garden, Crash and Burn

----

Chapter Fifteen

"Hark! The herald angels sing. Glory to the newborn King!" sang Cassian's household as they stood around the long kitchen table that was so decadently laid out with such exquisite looking food.

The cook, Mrs Simpkins, had prepared a feast for the servants at Cassian's request. Glazed ham, pork, roasted vegetables, gravy and pies, both savoury and sweet, were all set out for them to enjoy.

Faith had not seen such a meal in a very long time. The food was an incredible sight, and her stomach screamed with excitement just to see it, but what made her heart melt was seeing Lucy.

Lucy had never really celebrated Christmas. Faith had always taken her to a church service, but she had never been able to afford to buy a decent meal, or to give her a special gift.

Lucy had never minded. Of course, she was too young to know different, or have expectations, but it made Faith's heart happy to see her daughter in receipt of something that Faith could not have given her without help.

Lucy was gleefully clapping, sitting on the forearm of Mr Wade as he held her during the song. She was so happy and excited, her brown eyes darting around the room with wonder as they took in the wonder.

Faith was very grateful to Cassian's butler, Mr Wade. Lucy had become so used to spending her days with Cassian. She had been so unsure and distressed at the sudden change to her routine when Cassian had abruptly left London without so much as a goodbye.

Perhaps Lucy was not the one who missed receiving the goodbye, but she certainly did miss spending time with Cassian. She and Faith shared that feeling.

Mr Wade had only been too happy to step in to help with Lucy in the interim. To Faith's understanding, Mr Wade was unmarried, and had no children. He had formed a special attachment to Lucy, and Lucy seemed to like him in return. She often played with Mr Wade's ears and nose, and he did not seem to mind at all. In fact, he laughed.

Faith sat down at the table as the meats were carved and served. She had been certain that Cassian would have returned for Christmas. He had been gone a month. That time had given Faith enough of a chance to gain some perspective.

She had been angry that he had gone to another on the day he had proposed marriage to her. She still was. But she now could understand why he had behaved this way.

Cassian had lived a life filled with rejection. Cassian had survived on his own, never having experienced acceptance, and being cast aside and dismissed as a filthy urchin. Faith had shown him kindness in a way that Cassian had never before experienced.

Cassian had therefore carried this image of Faith ever since, an image that she could not possibly live up to. He thought her an angel. He had named his factory after her! Cassian held Faith in such high esteem that when she disappointed him, he responded in a way that was entirely out of character.

Faith needed to tell Cassian the truth. She needed to tell everyone the truth. She had known that she owed it to Cassian to confess, but she had always resisted, failed at the crucial moment.

She would not fail if she were given another chance. Faith trusted Cassian with her child. To anyone else, it might simply be a kind act of child minding, but to Faith, trusting another with her child was no simple feat.

Faith had experienced the immeasurable agony of losing a child. She would not survive the loss of another. In fact, she felt as though she was tempting fate by even entertaining the thought.

Faith had been very careful with whom she chose to trust with Lucy's care since the day she was born. But none had ever had such involvement in Lucy's life than the people in this house. Faith trusted them. She trusted Cassian. She knew in her heart that these people would protect her child from the monster that was Lucy's father.

That realisation had hit Faith the minute she had learned Cassian had departed London.

"Merry Christmas, everyone."

For a moment Faith thought she might have been hallucinating, but when the household all stood up to greet the new arrivals, Faith knew that Cassian had really returned. Mr Green followed behind him, greeting the others and hungrily filling a plate with the delicious food.

"Merry Christmas, sir," greeted Mr Wade warmly. Mr Wade bowed his face respectfully to Cassian, as Lucy eagerly reached out her arms. Mr Wade obliged the toddler, and handed her over to Cassian.

Cassian smiled warmly at Lucy and cuddled her to his chest. Lucy immediately began to play with a few of Cassian's black curls. "Hello," he cooed, "I missed you, Lucy."

Faith froze, her heart melting in her chest. Cassian had not looked at her yet. Was it in purpose? She did not know. Of course it had occurred to her to seek new employment while Cassian was away, but selfishly, the feeling of safety and security was too tempting.

"You will all find an additional fifteen shillings in your week's wages," announced Cassian. "Merry Christmas."

Cassian's gift was met with elation from everyone. Faith, too, was touched at the gesture. While everyone was celebrating, Faith remained silent. This was when Cassian met her eyes for the first time.

Faith's heart stopped as she felt the intensity of his gaze. The sounds in the room disappeared as they stared at each other. There was so much to say. Faith could tell that Cassian felt the same way.

Cassian motioned subtly towards the stairs. He wanted her to follow him. "Well, excuse me. I am sure my correspondence is a mile high by now. Enjoy your meal."

"Oh, won't you stay, sir?" asked Mr Wade.

Cassian shook his head. "No. I have a gift for Lucy upstairs. I will return her shortly." Cassian retreated with Lucy still in his arms.

Twenty seconds later, Faith said, "I had better ensure that the gift is not too generous," before quickly flitting from the kitchen and following Cassian up the stairs.

Once on the main landing, Faith began searching. She opened the door of the drawing room and the dining room, before finding Cassian and Lucy in the library. Cassian's library was a small, cosy room. The shelves, much like the ones in his study, were half-filled here and there. He had yet to amass a collection.

Lucy was sitting on the settee absolutely enamoured with her new china doll. The doll was beautiful, from the corn silk coloured curls on her head and the painted pink flush of her cheeks, to the exquisite lace of her dress.

Cassian was standing beside the fireplace, watching the flames and listening to the crackle of the wood. "I did not think that you would accept an additional wage. I thought you might accept the money to use as a donation to the children at the church. Perhaps you might purchase books or toys. Something lovely for Christmas."

Faith had not even comprehended the fact that he had gifted everyone an additional fifteen shillings, but Cassian had guessed her exact thoughts before she had even had them.

But before she could even thank him for his kind thought, the truth rushed out of her. She could not control it. "My name is not really Faith," she stammered quickly.

Cassian's eyes flashed to hers within a second. He wore a look of complete and utter shock. Of all the things he had expected her to say, Faith could wager this was not it. Her story was truly fantastic.

"I beg your pardon," he said slowly.

Faith chewed on her bottom lip nervously as she crossed the room towards him. She passed Lucy, who was still incredibly engrossed in her new doll. She would not heard, nor comprehend, a word.

"My name is not really Faith," she said again, this time attempting to control the speed of her voice.

Cassian exhaled shakily. "And what, pray tell, is your name?"

Faith had not said this name aloud in three years. She had not felt like that person since the moment she had made the decision to leave that life. "My name is Anne Pendleton," she confessed.

Faith's heart was pounding in her chest as she watched the information pour over Cassian. She wondered if he could hear her pulse.

Cassian's eyes were fixed firmly on the ground, as if there were something incredibly fascinating about the patterns in the rug. He did not speak for several minutes.

Faith kept her eyes on him. She needed to continue or else she would lose her nerve. "I was born Anne Elizabeth Rowe on the nineteenth of June in seventeen hundred and eighty-two. My parents are Harold and Frances Rowe. They live in Gloucestershire. My father is very wealthy. He made his fortune in banking. I have no brothers or sisters. When I was seventeen I was presented into society in London where my father arranged a betrothal to George Pendleton, seventh Earl Runthorpe."

Faith took a breath. The information she had just divulged seemed so simple really. It was the same identity that hundreds of girls in the aristocracy possessed. Rich girls were betrothed to even richer men who could boost their position in society. It was an age old practice.

Faith, however, had been wed to a barbarian.

Cassian stood motionless.

"I was happy at first, I think," Faith continued quietly. "George was not at all unattractive, and he bought me fine things." That miserable ring, for example. "But George liked to indulge. In alcohol, and in women." Faith's lip began to tremble as she thought back to the first time her husband had struck her in anger. "I had not at all been expecting it. I was not prepared for it. I told George that I did not appreciate his infidelity. He ... he laughed at me ... and he slapped me to the ground ... and then he forced himself upon me."

Faith had grown up with a false sense of entitlement. She had always assumed that her wealth, her station, protected her. She was safe from everything. But in that moment, Faith realised that she was powerless. Her entire identity had shattered into oblivion and everything she knew was a lie.

From that day, until the day she ran away, Faith lived in a state of constant fear.

Faith was shocked to feel Cassian's hands on her cheeks, his thumbs brushing away the tears she did not know had fallen from her eyes. She met his angry eyes. Cassian's irises were nearly black normally, but she had never seen them like this. But she was not afraid. She could never be afraid of him, and her heart told her that his anger was not for her.

"You need not say anything else," he whispered.

"Oh, but I do," Faith insisted. "I owe you an explanation."

"You owe me nothing," Cassian said firmly.

"Please, listen," Faith begged.

Cassian nodded, and motioned for Faith to sit down on the floor beside him. They both sat in front of the fire, and Faith welcomed the warmth. It felt as though the blood had drained from her body.

"From that day onwards, my life at the Runthorpe Estate became a vicious cycle. I would tread so carefully. I would not say a word. But he would find fault with me always. He always found some reason to discipline me as he called it." Faith looked down at her hands. They knotted themselves together. She concentrated on the lines in the palms of her hands as she spoke. "I tried writing home to my parents. They did not want to be bothered with it. As far as they were concerned, their son-in-law could do no wrong. He was a wealthy earl." Faith did not often think of her parents. She wondered if they had grieved for her. "George had a younger brother. His name is John, and he is married to a woman called Ruth. They often visited with their daughter Olivia. I think she would be about eleven now," Faith recalled. "But they knew exactly what was going on. They condoned it, I think, or they ignored it. I hate to think how many in our circle knew and pretended to be none the wiser.

"Eventually George began to pressure me for a son. An heir. I did not fall pregnant straight away, and that was another reason for me to be disciplined. My sister-in-law, Ruth, had lost a child shortly after Olivia and had lost her ability to bear children. I was so terrified that it would happen to me that I did not tell a soul when I learned I was with child."

Faith had been so happy during those first few months of pregnancy. Knowing that she would have a child made George's behaviour tolerable.

"It seems very foolish now to have kept the news to myself. I was afraid that if George knew, and then I lost our child, that he ... he would kill me." That had been Faith's genuine fear. It had been selfish. Her fear should have been for her unborn child. Youthful ignorance.

"Your son," murmured Cassian quietly in recollection.

Faith nodded helplessly. "Yes, I told you about him. I do not precisely remember the reason, but I remember George becoming angry with me and he shoved me. I tripped and I fell down the stairs. He left me and went on with his day, but I remember feeling such surreal pain. I was certain that I would die." Faith did not want to describe what happened, but if Cassian was going to understand her motivation for everything that happened afterward, she would tell him. "I started to bleed. I knew something terrible was about to happen. I went to my bedroom and screamed into my pillow to muffle the noise. I do not understand how or why. I never spoke to a doctor. I do not know how I survived, but I did. But I gave birth to my first born child on the third of March, in eighteen hundred and one, and he was dead before he entered this world."

Her son would have been five upon his next birthday.

"The physical pain was nothing compared to what I felt whilst holding him. He was no bigger than the palm of my hand. He was tiny and perfect, and denied a chance at life because I was not brave enough to tell his father that he existed." Faith knew that it was George's fault that their child had been lost, but she could not help but put blame on herself for being a coward. "The feeling of heartbreak is a very real experience. I was in pieces knowing that nothing could ever fix me."

Faith was shocked that she was able to get the words out. She had never spoken of this before. She had never described the pain before. She had healed, or attempted to heal, on her own, and had never spoken to another soul about what had happen on that day nearly five years ago.

"You will think the name I gave him is silly," Faith continued, though she felt a fond smile filling her face. "Nothing else seemed appropriate really. I named him Sky, for that is where he was born to."

"I think it is perfect." Cassian spoke for the first time in a while, and his voice was cracking, filled with emotion.

Faith dared to look up at him, and she could see his eyes were filled with tears, just as hers were. He was a man of great feeling. Faith longed to reach out to him, to seek comfort in his arms. She longed to belong to him, so that Cassian could tell her that everything would be alright, and she would never have to live a day in fear again.

"I wrapped him in lace, and I placed him in a beautiful Cherrywood box. I feigned illness so that I would be left alone. When I was well enough to stand, I burned the bedding, and took him down to the lake on the estate. It is beautiful there. Especially in spring. I said my prayers, and I buried him beneath the wildflowers."

One day, when George was long dead, Faith would go back to the Runthorpe estate to visit her son. It had been three long years, and three birthdays, since she had sat with him, and prayed for him.

"I grieved for a very long time. My melancholy disposition only angered George further." Faith brought her hand up to the scar on her hairline. "You asked me about this once. I was trembling at the dinner table, rattling my cutlery, and irritating George," she explained quietly. "But everything changed when I became pregnant with Lucy." Both Faith and Cassian looked over to Lucy, who was still merrily playing with her doll. Her beautiful daughter, who had not a care in the world, seemed to be making up voices for her doll, and was thoroughly enjoying playing make believe with her. "I had to protect her. I would not let her suffer her brother's fate." Faith gritted her teeth at the recollection of her determination. "It was our driver who helped me, who gave me the idea to escape. I will forever be indebted to Mr Carne.

"His plan was simple. Gather everything of value, anything that would fetch a price, and all money that I could get my hands on. I did just that, and I convinced George to let me travel to London to purchase gowns for the next season. I travelled in his finest carriage. It was Mr Carne's idea to have my travelling be noticed. It would have been difficult not to notice George's carriage. He had spent five thousand pounds on it.

"The plan was to travel to Kent, under the guise that I wanted to see the seaside. The story would be that the horses spooked, and Mr Carne cut them free and jumped for his life, but was unable to save me. My husband spent five thousand pounds on that carriage and I pushed it off a cliff." Faith chuckled at the ridiculousness. "Mr Carne and I rode the horses back to London where we separated. I left to start a new life, and he sold the story that the Countess of Runthorpe had died in a tragic carriage accident. I monitored the newspapers for a while and the story was believed. I gave birth to Lucy, sourced employment, and eventually found myself working at Angel Faith Textiles, where we were reunited.

"You have to know, Cassian, I was so proud of you. To know that you had built yourself such an empire with only a mere purse of coins was just so incredible. No matter my objections to things, you have to know that I speak the truth."

Faith took a breath and studied Cassian's face. She felt like she had been talking for hours, and Cassian had been taking in revelation after revelation. He still appeared incredibly shocked and in awe. His tears were gone, but his lips were parted, as though he were about to speak.

"Those coins," he whispered, "they were meant to ensure a life for you and Lucy?"

Faith helplessly nodded. She still had enough in the way of valuables to support herself, but she could not leave with the money knowing another needed it more.

"Why would you do that? Another hour, had you passed me then, I would have been a corpse on the side of the road."

Faith winced at his words, though they made her all the more grateful that she had passed him when she did. "I do not regret my decision, Cassian. I became Faith the moment I met you. Your will to live inspired the person I became."

"I ..." Cassian exhaled, "what do you want me to call you?"

"Faith," Faith said firmly. "As I said, I became Faith the moment I met you. Anne is in the past."

"But she isn't," Cassian countered.

Faith's little dream of Cassian telling her everything was going to be alright shattered. In her heart, she knew it was not going to be alright. People could not make themselves disappear without consequences.