(Post CK, trigger warning: this one gets really dark, emotional, and sad. There are suicidal themes within and self-harm. Be wary if this upsets you.)

Wylan would have been content to lay in bed for the entire day and not move, but Kaz had to ruin his plans. He had sent a messenger begging for help with a shot-out at Fifth Harbor.

Jesper was already dressed in a yellow striped shirt and lime green trousers, his guns holstered at his waist. "Hurry up, merchling."

"You look ridiculous," Wylan said as he slid from the comfort of his bed. He pulled on a pair of black pants and a soft gray shirt.

Jesper ruffled Wylan's curls. "I look gorgeous."

He smiled. "You always do."

They walked together down the street to the Slat where they met up with Inej. "Hurry," she said, then disappeared.

Wylan squeezed Jesper's hand when they made it to the edge of Fifth Harbor. He peered out from an alley and called out the Dregs' code word for a flash bomb. The other gangs were blinded for a few moments, allowing the Dregs to pick some of them off.

Jesper kissed Wylan quick, then said, "I love you," before leaping into the fray.

Wylan tracked him until he disappeared in a swarm of fighting. All he could do was wait.

****

The fighting cleared up hours later and left blood and bodies all over the cobblestones. Wylan searched for Jesper in the crowd of Dregs that were smiling and laughing but he couldn't find him.

Kaz limped over to him, a broad smile on his face. His smile faded when he didn't see Jesper beside Wylan. "Where is he?"

Wylan fought the tide of anxiety that threatened to send him crumbling to the ground. "I thought he was with you."

He searched the faces of the dead and prayed to Ghezen, to Inej's Saints, to Djel, anyone, that Jesper was okay.

But there, in the shade of a building, was Jesper, his yellow shirt covered in blood.

Wylan screamed and started racing towards him.

Kaz tried to pull him back but it was no use. Every sound and scent disappeared and all the remained was Jesper.

He collapsed beside the boy he had loved, the boy who was so beautiful and wonderful and kind and funny.

"Jes," he cried, "Jesper, don't leave me."

But his gorgeous stormcloud gray eyes were blank, staring at nothing. His brown skin was so cold, too cold. It was as if all that he had been was erased and gone.

Wylan placed a hand on Jesper's cheek. "Come back to me," he begged.

Kaz knelt beside him, silent for once. "He's gone."

"This is your fault," Wylan snarled. "This is all your fault."

He turned and slammed his fist into Kaz's nose. Kaz didn't fight back, not as Wylan continued to strike out weakly.

Inej and Matthias pulled Wylan back, even as he kicked and screamed and begged. "I loved him," he cried. "I love him."

As cliche as the thought was, Wylan was sure his heart was fracturing and slowly falling apart. He had loved Jesper so much, so, so, so much. Now he was gone.

Wylan hated himself. He hated himself for laughing at Jesper's outfit. He hated himself for letting Jesper go. He hated himself for everything.

Their love had felt like a raging inferno, a beautiful spark, a glimmering fire. Their love had been fierce and passionate and wonderful. Now, it felt like water had been thrown over everything.

"Let me go to him," he begged, even as his voice shook.

That's why we call him Wylan Van Sunshine.

I charge a steep fee.

No, not just girls.

"Wylan," Nina said gently, wiping a tear from his face. "Wylan, he's gone."

He blinked open his eyes to meet her gaze and was overwhelmed by fury. Everything was pointless and dumb. There was no reason for him to be here anymore.

He saw Kaz standing a little way off. Kaz had brought him and Jesper together and then he had torn them apart. He had torn Wylan's heart in half.

"He loved me," Wylan whimpered. "He didn't care about what I couldn't do. He loved me, everything about me."

He heard Inej release a quiet sob. How dare she cry when she couldn't possibly understand his pain?

"And I loved him. I loved every single piece of him, even if he could never sit still or couldn't keep from a gambling den. And now he's gone!"

He lifted his head to gaze at the sky. It was cloudless and blue, so unlike Ketterdam days. Jesper would have loved the sky, the blues and the light purples.

Jesper had been his other half, his home, and whatever else. Now Wylan was nothing a no one, a useless shell, a dried out husk.

"Wylan," Kaz tried, his eyes edging on desperation. "I didn't know this was going to happen."

He knew it was the truth. He knew he couldn't blame Kaz for what had happened, but it felt good to be able to blame someone other than himself. "I know," he whispered.

Matthias picked him up, one arm under his knees and the other behind his back. His heart ached; Jesper used to carry him like that in the mornings.

He didn't care where they were going, what they were going to do. There was no point to anything anymore.

He closed his eyes and tried to hold on to his memories of Jesper. Were his eyes a lighter gray or a darker gray? He couldn't even remember.

He was set on a soft bed and he curled on his side, hiding his face in his hands.

Jesper used to curl around him, brush his curls with his fingers. He would kiss his jaw to wake him up and hug him tight.

Not anymore.

He blinked open his eyes and realized he was in Kaz's room. The other crows were gathered around, Inej staring out the window, Nina crying into Matthias' shoulder, Kaz watching Wylan through narrowed eyes.

"I'm sorry," Kaz whispered.

It wasn't good enough.

****

The day was sunny and unrightfully so. It should have been raining, storming. The heavens didn't deserve someone like Jesper; he was too bright, brighter than every star.

Wylan ignored everyone's apologies and condolences. He didn't care about them.

He heard them crying, saw the tears in their eyes. He couldn't bring himself to speak to a single one of them.

The people who had arranged Jesper's body had changed his clothes to a black suit. Wylan hated them for it. Jesper wouldn't have wanted that.

It was mostly silent. Nobody laughed or spoke or anything. Silence.

Wylan couldn't bring himself to walk up to the coffin. He couldn't even look.

Kaz placed a hand on his shoulder. "Come say goodbye, Wy."

Another tear leaked down his cheek. "I can't."

All he'd ever wanted was to belong. He had belonged with Jesper. Now, he didn't belong anywhere.

"Wy, you've got to let him go."

Maybe he could let himself go, perhaps he could take the easy way out and leap into the canal or drink kvas until he died. He would be a coward but he didn't care.

Wylan didn't move until Kaz started pulling him towards Jesper.

"Please, Kaz. Please, let me go."

Kaz met his gaze, amber eyes sad, hollow. "I know what it's like to lose someone, Wylan. I know how you feel right now, but you can't go on like this. Jesper loved you so much and he would never, ever want you to be this sad. I can't bring him back and I don't have a magic cure, but I can take you to him and let you say goodbye. I can help you move on. I will be there with you once he's gone and I'll protect you and everything, I promise. You have to say goodbye."

Wylan took a deep breath and let Kaz lead him to Jesper. His eyes were closed, his face almost peaceful.

"Oh, Jesper," he started, his voice wavering. "What can I say to you? How can I tell you everything I feel?"

Kaz squeezed his shoulder, reminding him he was not alone.

"Ever since that day when you defended me against my father on Vellgeluk, I have loved you. I will never stop loving you. You accepted me for who I was and you didn't care that I couldn't read or write. You made me feel like I mattered, like I was worth something.

"Every day was an adventure with you, a new road to travel. But the road has stopped and it's a dead end. I wish you could come back to me."

Wylan ran a hand over Jesper's cheek, felt the soft skin that he had kissed in the mornings. It was too cold, so unnatural. Jesper's eyes were closed, his delicate lashes brushing his cheeks. He wanted to see his eyes. He wanted to get lost in those stormcloud gray eyes and never return to the true world.

"I don't want you to leave, Jesper. I want you to stay with me. I want you to be here with me, but I have to let you go. I have to say goodbye."

He heard Kaz let out a soft gasp of sadness behind him as Wylan kissed Jesper's lips one last time.

"I hope you find peace and I hope you can be happy. I will always love you, Jesper."

Wylan turned and collapsed, but Kaz caught him and supported him. "We should go, Wylan."

He simply nodded. There was no reason to do anything anymore.

****

The mansion was too empty without Jesper's laughing. The rooms were hollow and devoid of life.

Kaz winced as he opened the door. Inej had ordered that he make sure Wylan was alright, but Kaz could hardly stand to be in the mansion. It reminded him of Jesper, of his cold skin and closed eyes.

He had lost two brothers. Had their deaths been his fault?

He heard crying from upstairs but wasn't surprised. Every time he saw Wylan, he was sobbing, his face red, his eyes wet.

He hurried up the steps and into the large bathroom that he typically found Wylan in. He was curled against the far wall, his head in his bloody hands.

No.

Kaz knelt before him and tilted his face up. "Wylan?"

The boy whimpered quietly, his sapphire eyes dull. "Leave me alone."

Kaz reached for a wet rag and wiped at the blood on Wylan's arms. "You can't do this, Wy."

"I can do what I want."

The ground seemed to fall from beneath Kaz and he was hanging in a dark chasm, a void that was consuming his entire world.

"No, Wy. You can't go on like this. I'm taking you back to the Slat."

Wylan didn't even fight. He was so light as if he hadn't been eating enough. His normally happy face was gaunt, his skin pulled tight over his bones.

When they were back in Kaz's attic, Inej rushed over, a hand over her mouth. "Is he alright?"

"Does he look alright? Go get some food."

Inej rushed out of the room and came back moments later with a tray of food. Kaz set Wylan down in his chair and said, "You need to eat."

Wylan met Kaz's gaze and the emptiness there... it hurt him.

"Eat."

Wylan reached out with a thin hand and spun the spoon around in the soup. "I'm not hungry."

"You think I care? Eat."

He took a small bite of soup and burst into tears.

"What is it?" Kaz forced his voice to be gentle.

"This was Jesper's favorite."

Inej frowned at Kaz and said gently, "He's gone now Wy. I'm sorry."

"He didn't deserve to die."

"You're right. But right now, he's making sure your okay and watching you from the afterworld. He wouldn't want you to be sad, would he?"

Wylan wiped at his tears. "I want to leave Ketterdam."

"Why?"

"It reminds me of him, of my dad. I want to go to Ravka."

Inej nodded. "I'm leaving in a few days to go hunting for slavers. I can take you to Ravka."

"Thank you."

****

The salt hurt Wylan's eyes and the crash of the waves was so loud. He had been on many boats before, but he didn't necessarily enjoy sailing.

"Wylan?"

He met Matthias' gaze. "Yes?"

"It will get better."

"So I've heard. I can't stand it, you know. I can't stand everyone tip-toeing around me, refusing to say his name. Every time I bring him up, you guys think I'm going to fall apart."

"Then talk," Matthias said. "Tell me how you feel."

"I feel terrible. I feel like hurling myself into the ocean. I feel like I should go back to Ketterdam and maybe he'll be waiting there for me but I know that won't happen."

"You'll be safe in Ravka. Perhaps you will meet someone else there."

"I don't want someone else."

"It's your decision, Wylan. Nina and I will be with you for a little while, so you'll be fine."

He nodded, lowering his gaze to the ocean. He no longer felt joy in seeing so many colors. He remembered sunny days in his office. Jesper would watch him paint, a smile on his face.

Wylan brushed a hand over the railing of the boat. "What would you do if Nina died?"

"I would find a way to help her cause, to keep fighting for the Grisha."

"What will I do?"

Matthias placed a hand on his shoulder. "Only you can decide that."

What will I do?

He missed Jesper and he wanted him to come back, but he knew it was impossible. What did Jesper want? He didn't know.

He did know that he wanted to do something. And spreading out like the horizon were thousands of ways he could help the world.

He touched one of Jesper's pearl-handled revolvers. It was strapped at his waist.

I love you, Jes.

The sea answered. I love you, Sunshine.