Chapter Four

It had been a little less than three weeks since Phil had asked Dan to meet for a coffee, and hell, was he in love with the pretty brunette boutique owner.

Dan had already introduced Phil to his closest friends, Pauline, Chris, and also Dodie, and they've all been really nice, even though Pauline's first question had been how exactly he and Dan had met. That confused him a bit but it also made Dan laugh so Phil was more than fine with the weird question she asked before he had even been able to say hello.

Truth was, Dan was capable of making Phil as happy like no one else had ever been before. It seemed to be so easy for him, and Phil loved that. He wasn't even sure what exactly it was about Dan that made him feel that way, but at some point, he just figured that it was basically everything.

He'd fallen for Dan, and god, did he fall hard, but he couldn't care less. He felt like for once in his life, he had been lucky. Just this one time, the universe didn't hate him.

They weren't together yet, but Phil hoped Dan felt the same way about him as Phil did.

But there was one thing that was bothering Phil, and he couldn't deny it. In Dan's eyes, Phil was just an actor with some side job. But Phil had missed the point to tell Dan what exactly his side job was.

There was a moment where Dan had asked, because of course the topic had to come up at some point, and Phil had just said, "I work in some bar," which technically wasn't a lie. He did work in a bar, but Dan probably assumed that he was a barkeeper or something.

Phil was just so embarrassed, he hated what he did, what he had to do, however, he needed the money.

But he was scared Dan wouldn't understand, he was scared Dan wouldn't want to be with him anymore if he found out what he did to earn money.

It wasn't just what he did in front of people in the club, it was what he did with some of them when they took him home for the right amount of money. It wasn't many people he did that with, but whenever he ran low on money, that guy, Nathan, was the easiest way to get it.

Of course, Dan wouldn't want that.

Since he met Dan, Phil refused to sleep with Nathan, though. It just felt wrong.

Besides the fact that Dan was in his life now, Phil felt as if he was falling down, constantly. He was fine when he was with Dan, but it was the moments in which Phil was left alone in which he started to crumble. He had started to get tired.

In the past few weeks, Dan had told Phil more than once how much it impresses him that Phil just gave up on everything to follow his passions. But sometimes, Phil started to wonder if that really was the right thing.

It wasn't like he was completely unsuccessful. He got some roles in his life before, of course he did, but they were almost irrelevant. He would be the sidekick of the sidekick's sidekick, not important to the storyline, just because his persona wouldn't fit the characters he actually wanted to play.

He was talented, they told him that all the time, but never good enough.

His phone screen lit up, telling him he received a message. He looked at it and smiled a bit when he saw it was from Dan. But the smile faded quickly when he turned off his phone again.

He couldn't reply.

He hadn't replied to any of Dan's texts in two days. Not because he didn't want to, hell, what would he give to talk to Dan again, but it made Phil feel terrible. He'd been working more lately, and he barely was home anymore, he was almost trapped in this stupid bar, but he needed more money.

Yes, he needed it, because he wanted to be all soppy with Dan and he wanted to take him out on romantic dinners and he wanted to invite him to the cinema and he wanted to give him all the things he deserved, but he couldn't do any of that without money.

So, more work it was then.

Phil looked at himself in the mirror. He put on the usual makeup, just some concealer and highlighter. Sometimes his boss, Max, wanted him to wear eyeliner but that was rarely the case.

Closing his eyes and hiding his face in his hands, he sighed. He didn't want all of this, he never did.

But when they called him because it was his time to go on stage, he stood up. He stood up, and he walked out of his so-called dressing room, and god, did he hate all of this.

"Phil, are you alright?" he heard PJ, his best friend and colleague ask, and truth was, no, he wasn't. But what else could he do? What choice did he have?

So Phil just replied with a "Yeah, no worries," and gave PJ a small smile, but when he walked on stage he just felt dead inside.

Whenever Phil was on stage, he imagined that this was what Satine from the movie Moulin Rouge must've felt like. In general, he felt really close to her character, in a way at least. She was ready to do everything for her dream of becoming an actress but somehow she needed to make money before that dream came to reality.

Secretly, Phil had always waited for someone like Christian. Sure, the Duke was able to give Satine all the things she wanted, but there was one thing he wasn't able to give, and that was the feeling of true love.

Love is a many splendored thing. Love lifts us up where we belong. All you need is love.

Phil knew this quote by Christian by heart, it was one of his favourites from the movie. He had also wondered before if Dan could be his Christian. Phil was sure of his feelings for Dan, even though they've only just met, and truth was, he'd never fallen faster for anyone.

But this little lie in between them, this little lie that only Phil knew of, stood in between them like a wall. It wasn't the Chinese Wall, but one couldn't just jump over it either. Maybe Dan didn't even know it existed, but for Phil, it was like a force trying to keep him away from Dan, at least sometimes.

And suddenly, Phil was on stage. The lights around him turned off, and he heard the announcement.

He cringed at the name they'd given him, but it was the name he was known for. AmazingPhil.

The lights turned back on and the crowd started cheering. The music started, and Phil did his usual thing. Dancing, ridiculous seductive looks and pretending to love what he's doing, pretending to love the crowd of drunk men around him.

He had become good at pretending.

But even though Phil was a dreamer, he couldn't just ignore his rational side. He couldn't just ignore the fact that this was probably the closest he'd ever get to people cheering for him while he was on stage, and that thought drove him insane.

The thought that he might not reach anything, the thought that maybe his family had been right all along - all the times his cousins had insulted him when they had family gatherings, just because they had more successful careers than him, just because they thought Phil didn't make it anywhere - all the times his mother just looked at him with sad eyes, knowing that his son deserved better.

But did he really? When he was ready to sell his body for money, did he really deserve any better?

The song ended, and the lights around him turned back on again. He heard drunk men around him, cheering and screaming, some of them reaching their arms out to hand him money.

But that wasn't what made Phil freeze in shock in the middle of the stage. No, there was a whole other reason for that.

When he looked down into his audience, he saw a very familiar person standing there, just standing there and staring at Phil, his beautiful brown eyes wide and full of disbelief. It was the person Phil believed to love, the person Phil had lied to, and suddenly everything seemed to happen in slow motion.

Of course, Dan recognised Phil. How couldn't he?

Stupid, Phil thought to himself, I'm so stupid.

But when he saw Dan walking into his direction, quick and with big steps, he ran. Phil didn't want to face him. Phil didn't want to face the disappointment, or anger, or maybe even sadness.

So even when he heard him scream, "Phil, wait!", Phil didn't stop. He couldn't.

He turned his head to look at Dan once, tears in his eyes that made his view all blurry, and he just wanted to run up to him and fall into his arms and stay there forever. But he couldn't because he had just fucked up everything, Phil was sure of it.

"I'm sorry," he just whispered, and he was sorry, so sorry, but he didn't know what else to do. He didn't even know if Dan could hear him, the crowd around him and the music playing were just way too loud, but maybe Dan could see it. Maybe Dan could see the embarrasment in Phil's eyes.

Phil turned around again, and this time without looking back, he left the stage.

a/n again, the header pic is my pic, so please don't steal it <3