TIANA

Brother

Son

Friend

Three words that stared back at me. I stood directly in front of his grave pulling my jacket tightly in the hopes of easing the sudden chill I felt

This may have been a bad idea.

I spun on my heel having made up my mind to leave and in my pursuit towards the car I stopped mid-step at the sight of my mother standing by the car shaking her head.

Damn it!

Releasing a shaky breath, I steeled myself at the realization there was no escaping this. I faced his resting place once more unsure of what to say. And for a second I felt myself stumble back to the day we put his body into the ground. . .

It rained black and grey that day

And no other worse truth stared back at me at the fact I would never see his face.

Nor hear his deep laugh that sparked a joy in me. A joy that trampled the doubts and fears.

"I miss you," I suddenly began on the blank page shuffling on my feet to buy myself more time.

Just say something- anything.

It's never been hard to tell him anything, so why should it start now?

"I know it might be . . . a little hard to believe, g-given I haven't been visiting you unlike everyone else," I chuckled nervously stuffing my shaking hands into my pockets.

"But its been hard to come to terms with the fact I can't call you anytime. Even though I used to complain about it- I miss having you show up out of the blue to keep me company. . . Y-You know, I was really surprised you wrote poetry. . . I never knew your ass could be so corny," I felt the grin stretch across my face despite the wet trail of tears at the memory of each day I spent with my head between the pages in awe of each piece until the harsh truth I couldn't find his book made the sadness worse.

A sob broke out on my trembling lips at how screwed up this entire thing was. And the pang of pain in my chest made breathing a little harder.

"I-I miss you . . . so much. Y-You didn't deserve to go like that, T. . . I wouldn't even wish such a fate upon my worst enemies. But . . . uh t-there's this word as of late I began to ponder on more and more."

I paused briefly wondering if this was even the appropriate thing to say or if I really wanted to spend my time with him talking about this.

But baby this is Tim. . . . The same guy you could tell anything to and be free enough to express your deepest thoughts without facing any judgement.

"There's this woman I met . . . an old client of mine whos been through so much. . . Had a part of herself ripped out and nearly destroyed by someone who only saw her as an object. A-And anyone," I murmured taking a seat on the ground to cope with the weight of the world on me, unveiling more of myself to him in the hopes saying it will somehow- save me." Anyone in her position could have easily developed a deep-rooted hatred for men. She could have painted them all in the same shade of destruction- cursed them for what she went through a-and instead . . . she chose to forgive. And yet I can't seem to find the same strength to not look at people and deem them all the same. You know. . . I-I even pushed one away- you would've liked him," I chuckled feeling my blurry vision recount the times I saw his face and how he led me to fall," he's a writer like you. And gets on my nerve- just like you . . . but I pushed him off. Told him with all the past history we could never be anything more than strangers passing glances with a thin glass to keep us apart due to the invisible line reminding us to not cross it."

A line drawn so deeply into the ground since the Devil

removed the very concept of equality

out of humanity.

Where countless lives have been lost over something no one had any control over

and it pains me just the anxiety I feel stepping outside knowing there's a chance I might not return home.

Moving my eyes onto the flowers that leaned against his headstone, my eyes eventually landed on his name once again.

Timothy.

"I just wish I could hear your voice . . . just one last time because I feel like I'm barely holding on. . ." I whispered into the breeze in the hopes it'll keep that secret faithfully to itself. And that's how the rest of the time passed with me . . . just staring once again at the letters that made up his name.

***

I felt my breath hitch taking in the pitch black sea, the waves cascading over each other as I stood by the shore taking in the scene.

I grew anxious at this environment, an environment I knew all too well that made up the frame of my nightmare. But somehow this moment felt . . . different. Instead of being met by the sight of Tim standing a few feet in front of me, I was alone.

Strange . . .

Perplexed I turned to take in the rest of my surroundings, despite the sand that seemed endless as it stretched for miles, its the vehicle idly parked in the middle of this deserted land that caught my attention. And the pull I felt towards it only increased when the headlights lit up as if beckoning me towards it like a moth to a flame.

With each step, closing the distance moving inch by inch towards it I balled my shaking hands into fists to draw more courage from deep within that this is all an illusion.

This isn't real

This isn't real

Once I reached the side of the car, the window silently rolled down and after swallowing down the fear, sparing a glance inside I felt mortified seeing Tim's smiling face watching me.

THIS ISN'T REAL

THIS ISN-

"When you're done telling yourself that this is some hallucination please feel free to join me. . . not like I have any other plans," he chuckled, eyes beaming with a warmth behind them I missed seeing. Taking a deep breath I tentatively opened the door taking a seat on the soft leather wondering what to say or do whilst my mind wondered what would happen next.

"It's about damn time you came to see me. . . I thought you'd forgotten all about me, little T," he murmured lowly.

"How could I ever forget you?" I asked turning to look at him," it was just too hard to come to terms with the fact you're gone."

"I know," he groaned breaking away to stare at something ahead. He rubbed the back of his neck turning back to look me in the eye," but I'm always going to be with you."

"Why couldn't things be different?" my voice came out hoarse at the emotions I felt. It was frustrating.

I felt him shift before his hand laid itself on top of mine and it felt like it always had.

Rough

Yet warm

"I didn't see myself leaving so soon . . . but here we are."

"You sound like you've made peace with it."

"Don't really have a choice now do I?" he shrugged laughing lightly; however, the laugh died down once he caught sight of the grim look I wore. There was nothing funny about any of this.

"What's that look mean, sis?"

"Just wish I had that level of acceptance as you," I replied softly into the quiet space of the car.

"It's forgiveness that I have."

Once I heard him say that, I scoffed holding back the eye roll," I'm getting sick and tired of that word."

"And yet without it we wouldn't be able to attain the beauty that this life was meant to give us."

"Ti-"

"Stop pushing Luis away."

My eyes widened in shock as a knowing smile stretched across his lips," I'm well aware about his presence. And though I would have loved to threaten him if he broke your heart, it appears it's you, I have to lecture in matters concerning love."

"Spare the theatrics, Tim," I groaned smiling in the process at the look he gave me only to have his smile drop making me grow slightly uncomfortable with the hard look he was now giving me.

"I've watched a part of you die each passing day. And I hate it has to do with how I left."

"You can't exactly blame me,"

"So you've decided to fill yourself with hate then. . . The way you discriminate others makes you no different from the monster that took my life away."

And if I never knew pain before, I certainly knew it now.

"D-Don't say that," I whimpered wrapping my arms around my body as if that will shield me from his harsh words. More tears fell accompanied by light sobs.

Why were his words having this much of an effect on me. . .

Because deep down I knew they were true.

"I'm not trying to make you cry, T," he sighed rubbing my arm gently," but seeing you this way. And with the limited time we have . . . beating around the bush won't help so let me-"

"I DON'T WANT TO BETRAY YOU!" I yelled throwing my arms up in frustration at the truth I had kept hidden away. The silence sunk in.

"Tiana. . ." he sighed nudging my head gently with his warm fingers pushing me to see his smiling face past the tears and I was confused by his reaction," you are not betraying me. After all that I've told you when it comes to life. . . you choosing to hate," he murmured squeezing my chin, eyes darkening," is your way of betraying me."

And just when I'm about to reply with more denial, an illuminated light appeared all around his frame. Highlighting his clothes in an ethereal glow so bright it was only on impulse my eye closed. And in that moment I felt a ghost of a kiss on my cheek along with the words that sent comfort into my heart," I love you, Tiana, I always will but you have to decide if this path you're on is what you really want. You have to make the choice. . ."

The last part had me opening my eyes to ask him what he meant. But even as I yelled out for him to stay a little longer his figure continued to fade away no matter how hard I tried to reach out for him.

Wait!

Wait!

"Wait!" I bolted up from the bed, heart hammering against my chest. Panicking my eyes dart around the room in fear that something dreadful was about to get me.

Taking in the familiar room, I sat on top of the sheets drenched in sweat trying to convince myself that this dream was just that­­- a dream.

It was just a dream.

I kept repeating that statement a million times in my head and I laid back on the bed staring at the plain white ceiling trying to seduce myself with the notion that I should ignore it.

Despite my attempts, it was hard to ignore how real it all felt from the feel of his hand on mine reaffirming the fact that he spoke to me. That he was with me even if it was in my dream and that alone made me emotional. Made the tears accumulate all too easily in my eyes at the truth staring back at me. I was ashamed, disappointed in myself for becoming what I hated.

And I had to make a change.

I needed to do right.