Dear readers—disappoint your unicorn at your own peril.

Do you even need to ask why?

You do?

I will tell you then ...

While riding on the back of a unicorn, you may think you're at the helm, instructing the animal (via rein manipulation and body language) about the altitude, flight path, and landing, but if your unicorn is ticked off at you, she is entirely within her rights (according to unicorn tradition) to put you in mortal danger.

It didn't take long for Ashley to figure this out.

Though Louisa and Ashley had a joyful reunion atop the witch's snow-covered fortress, after the pleasantries, the unicorn had an earful of complaints to set before her mistress. Apparently, hanging out in the Forbidden Forest, while fun at first—teasing the blackberry brambles and honing her landing technique on the roof of the cannibal witch's gingerbread house—turned out to be tedious beyond words.

How many times can a unicorn trample a gingerbread roof before it crumbles?

Answer for those who care to know: three.

"Hey, watch it," Ashley begged Louisa for the umpteenth time as her frost-bitten toes smacked against a treetop. "Ouch! Louisa, is this necessary? I said I was sorry. Repeatedly."

"Is what necessary?" Louisa neighed, lurching left.

Ashley slid partially off the saddle, clutched the reins, and screamed. "Punishing my feet by flying so low," she neighed once her heart had slowed to a thousand beats a minute, and she could take in enough air to speak.

Louisa responded by soaring into the clouds in an almost vertical trajectory leaving Ashley's stomach far below. She squeezed her knees against Louisa's flanks and, abandoning the reins, gripped the pommel.

The ascent persisted. Icicles crystallized on the princess's eyebrows; her head swam from the lack of oxygen. Her thighs ached, threatening to give out. Black spots prickled in her vision. She'd welcome unconsciousness. But just before she slipped under, Louisa dropped a few hundred feet.

Oxygen flooded back into Ashley's lungs. The spots disappeared. She managed a scream. "Louisa, you could've killed me."

"I was only doing what you wanted."

"Huh?"

"You said I was punishing your feet because I was flying too low."

"Have you ever heard of a happy medium?"

"You mean a fortuneteller who won the lottery?"

"Not that kind of medium."

"Ashley? Ashley?" Layyin's muted cry came from beneath the clouds.

"Up here," she yelled back.

"What? I can't hear ..." Layyin's voice was so soft, Ashley could barely hear as well.

"Louisa, enough."

"If you're not careful, I'll drop you off on that the deserted island where I dumped your horrible stepfamily," Louisa said.

"Wait, you were the one that flew them to their exile?"

"Yeah, me and Louis. One of our best trips."

"Wow," Ashley said. "I think I'd like never to see my stepfamily again. Can we please join the others?"

"Of course," Louisa neighed, spreading her wings, they plummeted, wind whipping against Ashley's face, hair flapping behind. Ashley screamed again. "What? You said go lower," Louisa snarked.

The blur of the ground cranked into focus. Ashley squeezed her eyes closed, waiting for impact, but seconds before she became a minced princess, Louisa turned her nose up. Ashley peeked one eye open. Her foot grazed some rubble at the base of a translucent white marble mountain jutting from the earth like a headstone for a giant with a god complex.

Instead of flying up and over, Louisa banked to the left.

"Why don't we go over? Wouldn't it be faster?" Ashley said.

"It's too high for me. Unicorns cannot fly to the top. Not enough air to support our wings. With all your whining back there, I wouldn't think you'd want to risk certain death."

"If it's certain, I don't think that qualifies as a risk."

"You humans with your semantics."

"How high can it be? You almost exited the stratosphere a few minutes ago."

"Mount Dolorem is not a mountain to be trifled with. No one may see her pinnacle and live to tell the tale."

Wait, she knew this place—Mount Dolorem. From the myth.

The story went:

Long ago, when ice stretched across the seven realms, and the stars were still young enough to remember their birth, the ice god, Moroz, fell in love with Mania, a goddess of the underworld. Moroz's heart filled with joy and lust and all those other short-lived emotions that come with the initial bloom of love.

However, when Dolorem, Moroz's wife, discovered the affair, her heart didn't fill with joy. Instead, it hardened with jealousy and anger and loss, which is only natural when one's husband seeks the affections of another.

When Moroz got up the nerve to present Dolorem with divorce papers, her heart hardened to marble. Before his eyes, he watched in horror as his wife's entire body began to crystallize. He went to her, clung to her stony feet, begged her to stop. But so great was her anger, the transformation spread through her feet to the earth below. Marble thrust upward, higher than the clouds, and as far from the underworld as possible. Throughout, Moroz clung to his wife, false apologies on his lips. As the rock rose, so did he. Higher and higher.

Once the wifely goddess finished her tantrum, a new white mountain towered over the landscape, its summit forever hidden in cloud. Its sides so smooth no one could climb or descend its sheer faces. Its caves and trails populated with monsters of every ilk.

Stranded at the pinnacle, Moroz would never see his beloved Mania again.

It is said that anyone foolish enough to summit Mount Dolorem will never return.

Although history cast Dolorem as the villain of the tale, that was because men wrote history. However, Ashley thought stranding a cheating spouse on an insurmountable chunk of marble for all eternity to be a fitting punishment. If only she had Dolorem's skillset. But it was only a story — a parable.

"Ashley? Ashley?" called Layyin once more.

"Up ahead, it's the others." Ashley dug her damaged heels into Louisa's flanks.

"You know, you don't have to do that. We can use our words."

"Look, I am sorry I didn't return to you in the Forbidden Forest. Truly sorry. I got captured. And I worried about you the whole time."

"I know," Louisa said.

"Then why have you been trying to kill me this whole trip?"

"I haven't been trying to kill you. I've been trying to make you a better rider. You're going to need it."

"What do you mean, I'm 'going to need it?'"

"You'll see."

"Do you know something I don't?"

"I'm a unicorn. Of course, I do." Louisa shot ahead.

"Don't try to change the subject like that," Ashley insisted.

"Like what?" Louisa said.

Sometimes you want to throttle your unicorn. But this is inadvisable, especially while you're still in the air.

Ahead, Layyin, Derek, and Sadira had dismounted, their long shadows stretching before them like lanky ghosts. The unicorns grazed nearby, tugging at the tufts of grass protruding from the snow.

"Wow, you're such a proficient rider," Layyin gushed, trotting toward Ashley. "You were so high I couldn't even see you."

Louisa landed as daintily as a snowflake. "Believe me; that wasn't my decision. And if I were that good rider, my mount wouldn't be trying to kill me."

The unicorn bucked Ashley off. She fell headfirst into a snowbank, which is quite painful and cold. "Why'd you do that?" she said, shaking the snow from her hair.

"I told you, I wasn't trying to kill you. It was for your own good."

"Ashley, stop unicorning around," Derek said.

"I'm not—" Ashley began but decided not even to try defending herself.

👑👑👑

Once the unicorns had fed and rested, the team of royal heroes lashed back into the sky, flying four abreast. Soon the Ever After River loomed ahead. They followed the shiny serpentine strip of blue southward, snaking over the landscape.

The sun had barely sunk beneath the horizon when they approached the Ever After village. Stars gingerly peeked out from the blanket of purple sky as if confirming it was time to make their appearance. The temperature dropped, reminding Ashley once again of her insubstantial clothing. But it was the fact that no one walked the cobblestone streets, no smoke came from chimneys, and no light shone through windows, that made her shiver. The flower-strewn memorial for the missing children had spread like blackberry brambles. How many more children had gone missing?

The closer they got to the castle, the more Ashley's unease grew. By the time she could make out the castle's spires, their flags whipping in the wind, Ashley felt like throwing up. Something was very, very wrong.

Before they began their last descent into the castle green, the "very wrong thing" became evident. Some villagers, some holding torches, others spades, and rakes, huddled at the entrance yelling profanities at the guards. When they caught sight of the four unicorns, they raised their weapons in anger.

On the crenelated ramparts, guards manned the canon. What were they going to do? Fire on the people of Ever After? Beneath the bridge, alligators snapped their jaws, waiting for a human morsel. Even the moat monster was in on the action, reaching her jaws much higher than her alligator companions.

"Looks like they haven't breached the castle yet," Derek said as if this was a huge relief.

"The people near the edge of the bridge could be eaten if the monster jumps high enough," Ashley said.

"True," Derek said. Come to think of it, the monster does look slightly more well-fed than when we left."

"This isn't funny. Louisa, down now. I mean it. No more riding lessons right now. By the way, I know you enjoyed terrifying me."

"I did," Louisa agreed, bobbing her great head. "Good times."

In moments, the unicorns landed safely on the green. "No one even shot at us," Layyin complained.

"You sound disappointed," Ashley pointed out.

"I am a little. Imagine the bruises!"

"She's lost her mind," Derek said, hopping off his unicorn. Once Ashley's bare feet hit the ground, she ran toward the castle. "Have you lost your mind as well? Where do you think you're going?"

"To stop this nonsense at the gate before anyone gets eaten."

"Um, you do realize you're in your shift, and it's filthy? You're sure you want to greet your people like that?"

Ashley looked down. He did have a point. "I'll do a quick cleanup. See you all later."

"We're coming with you," Sadira said.

"Into the bath?"

"No, when you face your people."

"Why?"

"Because there are like hundreds of them and one of you. Even out the odds," Sadira said.

Ashley's heart melted a little.

Castle employees poured from the castle and the stables. But Ashley only had eyes for one man. Gerald jogged toward her—a grin spread across his face. Her heart actually pitter-pattered. For all her life, she thought that was only a cliché.

Princess Ashley wanted to run to him so they could meet in the middle of the meadow, and he could pick her up and twirl her around in slow motion, but her feet were in too much pain. So, she waited. Finally, he arrived. His arms outstretched. It would only be a moment, and they would be embracing. She imagined the feel of his body against hers, of that kiss.

But instead of the romantic reunion, he bowed, knelt at her feet, and took her hand. He pressed his lips to her fingers. "My Princess."

"Sir Gerald," Ashley breathed, examining every inch of his face. A ragged cut scar jagged across the left side of his jaw.

"What happened?"

"I could ask the same," Gerald said, gesturing toward her feet, which looked way worse than anyone who had ever tried to slice off a foot part to fit into a glass slipper. Also, there were burns on her shins, holes in her shift, entire golden ringlets of hair that had been singed off.

"Aren't you going to introduce us to your ... friend?" Derek winked.

"He is my knight, Sir Gerald. Not my friend," Ashley countered.

"Uh, huh. Sure. You know, you'd think that after people crawl inside a chimney together and rescue each other from boiling cauldrons and witches, that they WOULD. NOT. LIE."

"Excuse me?" Gerald said.

Ashley and Derek both turned toward Gerald and said in unison, "what?"

"My knee is killing me. Do you think you could say something like 'rise' or 'let me help you up?' or even push me to the ground and put me out of my misery?"

"Dramatic much?" Derek said.

"Oh, I'm sorry, Gerald. Rise knight."

Gerald wobbled to a stand, rubbing his knee. "Thanks."

"Sir Gerald, please meet Prince Derek of The Rainbow."

"Pleasure," Derek checked out Gerald in his skimpy groom outfit. "A real pleasure."

"And these are my friends Princess Layyin and Princess Sadira."

They all bowed and curtsied like royals, and in Gerald's case, like a groom only recently raised to a member of the gentry. "What happened to Louisa?" Gerald said, picking leaves out of her mane.

"You're going to have to ask her about that," Ashley scowled at the unicorn. Louisa neighed. "What happened to your jaw?" Ashley said.

"A slight misunderstanding with a border troll."

"I'm sorry!" Ashley said.

"Eh, you should've seen the other guy."

Derek winked. "I like this one, Ashley. You may keep him."

"Thanks, Derek, but I assure you that there is nothing for me to keep. Our relationship is purely princess/knight. Professional."

"Yeah, and I was born in Vermont in 1992."

"Huh?"

"Exactly."

"Look, everyone, I'd love to stay and reunionize for a couple of hours, but the villagers are banging on the castle door with a tree trunk right now. Gerald, I'd like a full report on your quest to find the missing children."

"Of course, My Princess," Gerald said, backing away.

"No need to walk backward! I already know what your behind looks like," Ashley said, frustrated that Gerald thought he had to abide by this stupid protocol. Gerald turned and loped toward the barn, the unicorns following him like a flock of chicks running after their mother.

Ashley turned toward the castle staff. "Welcome home, Princess," they said, kindly ignoring that she looked not at all like a princess, which gave her an inspired idea. "Terrowin, I will meet with the villagers now. Please invite them to the throne room."

"Ashley, you can't do it right now. You look like a ..." Layyin said.

"A what?"

"A commoner?" Sadira said.

"Exactly!" Ashley agreed. The guards created a tunnel passageway so she could walk through the crowd. People smiled and bowed and curtseyed as she passed, and for a moment, the princess, dressed in rags, felt like a true monarch for the first time.

👑👑👑

Ashley arrived at the throne room to the worst sight she could imagine. And it wasn't the hundreds of bedraggled, olfactorily-challenged, weaponized villagers making their way through the grand doors that disturbed her. Instead, the skeletal man was sitting on Charming's enormous red and gold velvet throne, looking rather like a scarecrow.

Borin hadn't yet noticed Ashley, who had entered through the back door from the royal offices. Dozens of torch sconces blazing all along the walls, made the throne room the brightest in the castle. And the smokiest. The seneschal stood. "Guards! What is the meaning of this? I said one at a time and only the attractive women! Heads will roll!"

"Terrowin," Ashley called to her guard, who had made his way through the crowd to the front. "Do you think you could relieve our seneschal of his anguish?" Ashley said.

"Aye, Yer Highness. Ye got it."

Terrowin marched on to the stage, battleax in hand. He was a fearsome sight. Like an angry grizzly wielding a six-foot length of razor-sharp steel. "Yer gonna have to move yer arse offa this throne."

"I'll have you flogged!" Borin said.

"Ye and what army?" Terrowin replied.

"Them!" Borin pursed his lips and gestured toward the guards patrolling the perimeter. "Seize them." The guards did not move.

"They report to me," Terrowin said.

"Under whose authority are you performing this act of treason?"

"The crown," Terrowin replied, his meaty fist clutching the handle of his battleax.

"Prince Charming has given me complete jurisdiction over these proceedings," Borin barked.

Ashley stepped into Borin's view.

Actual foam frothed at the edges of Borin's mouth. "Harridan! You're dripping mud on the prince's throne." Upon Borin's outburst, a hush fell upon the room, and all eyes focused on Ashley.

"Apologize to 'er Highness!" Terrowin nudged Borin with the less pointy end of the battleax.

Borin's lip curled. "I don't think I will."

Terrowin placed the pointy side of his battleax against Borin's neck. Ashley pushed it away. "Let's not shed blood in front of our people," she said. "Borin. I thought I'd had you confined to the dungeon for breaking laws and being a general back-stabbing, uncaring jerk. Like even if you hadn't broken the law, your pea-sized heart would earn you a place in the bowels of the castle."

"Go, Ashley!" Derek said.

Ashley spun. "Where did you come from?"

"We couldn't miss the fun," Layyin said. She glanced at Terrowin's weapon and batted her long ebony eyelashes. "I like your sword."

"Thanks, Highness," Terrowin said. "It's a battleax. Very dangerous."

"Do you think you could teach me how to use it?"

Terrowin turned four shades darker red.

Ashley rolled her eyes. "Uh, Terrowin?"

"Er, aye, Highness?"

"Could you please help Borin return to his subterranean quarters?"

"Not going to happen," Borin said.

"I'm sorry, but I'm the princess here."

"But my authority comes from a higher place."

"God?"

"No, witch. Sarcasm is the peasant's tongue. By the orders of Prince Charming. He was not amused that you'd sent me to the dungeon. And he explicitly commanded me to oversee Whinging Week."

"We call it the Quarterly Tribunal. And, if you hadn't noticed, the prince isn't here," Derek said.

Ashley hushed him with a glance, then pointed at Derek. "What he said."

Borin backed toward the throne and lifted a scroll of parchment from the seat. "The prince's orders are here, 'Highness.'" She could hear the quotes around the word "highness." The seneschal unrolled the parchment and presented it to Ashley.

I hereby give full authority to the running of the castle and hearing of the villager's complaints to my esteemed seneschal, Borin. I order the immediate release of said seneschal from the dungeon, and under no circumstances is he to be imprisoned again.

It bore the prince's signature and seal.

Borin smirked in victory. "Terrowin, escort our princess out of this chamber so I may get on with the work at hand. And have the guards rid the room of these vermin. I cannot think straight with all this protesting."

The parchment lay heavy in Ashley's hands. Even when the prince was miles away, he still managed to thwart her. If only she could make the order disappear. But wait. She could! Ashley strode toward the nearest torch and lit a corner of the parchment. "Oops," she said.

Borin's eyes practically popped out of his head as he lunged for the flaming document. Too late. It had already turned to ash.