A/N: Hey! So I'm sorry this is the first chapter in a while. Life has been crazy. Anyways, I'm also putting a trigger warning on this chapter even though I know I already had the list in the beginning, there isn't much description, I just know it also doesn't take me much to relapse back into self harm, so if that's triggering to you, you can read basically the whole chapter, it's just a few paragraphs about it at the end. Also this is Peaches by Grandson and K.Flay and I'm obesessed at the moment. Hope everyone's good despite covid-19 going around. Be safe, wash your hands, drink your water, and have a good day/night.

The director announced that rehearsal was finished and Logan hopped up to change out of his paint-stained long sleeve shirt back into his favorite yellow hoodie. Everyone was packing up or changing or reading over their scripts one last time. Sy was hanging out backstage when Logan saw him and smiled.

"Hey." He said with a little giggle and Sy smiled warmly.

"Hey, how's set design going?" He asked and Logan shrugged.

"Pretty well, I can't do details until the paint dries but the forest pieces will be done probably by next week." He said and Sy nodded.

"That's really cool." He said and Logan nodded, a small smile on his face.

"You looked like you were doing good up on stage, how's that going?" Logan asked and Sy smiled.

"Really great, I was kind of peeved about not getting the hatter at first but I dunno, I think I play a pretty good cat if I do say so myself." He said with a small smile, crossing one ankle over the other as he leaned against the wall next to Logan.

"I mean, you are one of the best actors in school." Logan said with a little smile and Sy chuckled.

"You're being nice, I'm clearly not the best, I mean, look at Mark, or Grace, they're miles ahead of me." He said, sighing softly, scratching the back of his head.

"Maybe Mrs. Abernathy just thought you'd be better as the cat, you're good in every role you do, and you're nicer than Mark anyways." Logan said and Sy gave him a little smile, ruffling his red hair.

Syrus took off his cat ear headband that was being used in place of a full cat costume and he pulled his fingers through his dark hair as the sound of the auditorium door shutting echoed. Probably the last of the theatre kids leaving to go call their parents or catch the late bus.

"Hey uh..can I talk to you?" Sy asked, his smile staying but his tone slightly more serious. Logan's eyes widened a little and he nodded.

"Yeah, what's up?" He asked and Sy took a breath, bringing his fingernail up to his mouth, somewhere between confused and concentrated, probably trying to figure out what to say. Logan could tell he was trying to figure out how to phrase something. If it were Tyler, he'd be waving his hands around trying to make the words "come to him" while pacing around in circles.

"Uh..so, alright..how did you know you were like..into guys?" Sy asked and Logan paused a moment, thinking over the question.

"I guess I just wasn't ever really into girls and then it started becoming obvious that I found guys more attractive and I mean, my dads weren't exactly pushing a heteronormative world view or anything." He said with a little smile. "Do you think that you might be gay?" He asked softly and Sy looked off a moment.

"I don't think I'm totally gay but maybe like, bi or something..." He said and Logan nodded a little.

"It's okay if you are. How'd you find out?" He asked.

"Well, I've kind of liked this one guy for a while, I mean, at first I didn't think it was anything, and then I just realized it definitely was and I don't know." He shrugged a bit. Logan smiled.

"Really? Who is it?" He asked and Sy shooked his head with a little smile.

"No one." He said nonchalantly and Logan only took this as a challenge of sorts.

"Oh come on, who?"

"I'm not telling you." He said, crossing his arms, leaning his back against the wall, standing next to Logan.

"Is it...Freddy Harris?"

"No."

"Link Matthews?"

"Nope."

"...Greg Steff?" He asked and Sy just shook his head with a quiet yawn.

"These are some weak guesses, Stick." He said and Logan pouted a little.

"mmm Dereck Hemming?"

"Do you think I'm a bottom?"

"Well I didn't think so but at least I know now.." Logan said with a little giggle and Sy rolled his eyes with a grin.

"You should try out for the play one year." He said and Logan shrugged.

"I don't know, I'm not really good in front of crowds."

"Have you ever tried?"

"I mean, I've done speeches and stuff, but I'm not really a people person anyways, so.."

"I think you're a people person." Sy said and Logan giggled, running his fingers through his fluffy curls.

"I think you should tell me more about your crush." Logan said with a smile.

"Back to this again?" Sy asked, smiling.

"Yes..Tyler Alec?"

"No."

"But he's adorable, how could you not like him?"

"I just don't."

"Fine..um, Conner Strait?"

"No, oh my god, logan-" Sy said with a quiet laugh.

"mm..Franklin Bord?" He asked and Sy shook his head, sighing softly.

"Mark Keen-" He was cut off by a sudden pressure against his lips, his eyes falling shut as he kissed back before he was even sure what was happening. When Sy pulled away, he was still kind of confused.

"Dude, it's fucking-...it's you, alright?" Sy said running his fingers through his hair and Logan turned a bright red, swallowing thickly, not sure how to respond to that.

"I've just..I've liked you forever, and I've been waiting for you to figure it out, but you never do, and I think you turned me bi or some shit because I was definitely very straight before you and then...then you just came prancing into my life like a fucking angel or something and I don't know what the hell happened." He said and Logan bit his lip, trying to form words. Sy liked him?

"Oh." He felt like an idiot for only being able to form one word. Sy looked at him, his jaw tightening a bit like it always did when he didn't want to show how nervous he was.

"We can just forget about this if you want to." He offered and Logan shook his head.

"What do you..I mean, why do you...what do you want this to be, or to t-turn into..or whatever?" Logan asked, looking away from Sy.

"I mean, I guess I'd really want you to be my boyfriend. I'm not scared of being out." He said and Logan looked up at him, wide eyed.

"You mean, you..you want to like..go on dates? And have a relationship? Like a real one?" Logan asked and Syrus nodded.

"Yeah, that is what that would mean." Sy said with a small chuckle and Logan smiled a little. What about Oliver? He needed to forget about Oliver, Oliver was never going to happen, and it'd be weird anyways, they were friends, and there was no way Oliver liked him back.

He knew it was a bad idea to go into a relationship with so many problems when he wasn't even sure if he liked Syrus like that or just as a friend, but he was his friend and Sy needed help figuring out his sexuality and Logan was maybe the only one who could help him. Besides, he needed to get over Oliver and Maybe Sy could help with that. Logan looked up at his friend and smiled wider, playing with his sweater sleeve.

"I think I'd like that." He said softly and Sy grinned, cupping the red-head's cheek as he looked into his eyes a moment before he kissed him again, tilting his head to the side a little, running his thumb along his cheek softly as they kissed. Logan was quick to reciprocate, wrapping his arms around Sy's neck as he felt hands slip down to his waist, stopping at his hips to hold them. It felt good when Logan kissed him, it felt electric and amazing and he felt something for once, something that wasn't the constant numbness of every single moment, so he kept doing it, his hands beginning to tangle in his friend's hair as he pulled him closer.

When Sy pulled away, they were both panting softly, warm breaths hitting cold skin as they stood alone in the empty backroom of the theatre, them and the old light flickering constantly, the floorboards that always creaked, the drawn red curtain behind them, and the dusty air. Logan had never been forced into it, Sy had just offered, and he'd said yes, he could have turned it down, but he didn't, that had to mean something, he had some kind of feelings for him, so this was okay.

"I should probably get going, my dads will be wondering why I'm getting home so late." Logan said softy and Sy nodded.

"Want me to drive you?"

"Sure." Logan said softly.

---

"I've never really been in a relationship before." Logan said on the way home.

"It's alright, I've got enough experience for the both of us." Sy said jokingly with a little grin and Logan giggled quietly.

"Fair enough."

"You're adorable, I'm surprised you're not already with someone." Sy said and Logan shrugged.

"I'm not really boyfriend material."

"That's bullshit, you're perfect." He said and a knot tied itself up in Logan's stomach.

"I'm not really perfect." He said softly and Sy smiled, shaking his head.

"You absolutely are, you're everything right with the world." Sy said and Logan shrugged.

"I just try to see the brighter side of things." Liar.

"What if there isn't a brighter side of things?"

"Then you make one up."

"Is that how it works?" Sy asked playfully and Logan giggled.

"That's how it works."

Syrus pulled up to Logan's house and the smaller boy paused for a moment, looking from Sy to his house before he quickly kissed him once more and then unbuckled his seatbelt, opening the door. "I'll um..I'll see you tomorrow." He said with a small smile before he ran inside, closing the front door behind him before he could hear Sy's response.

He walked up to his room and sat down on his bed, running his fingers through his hair, not having a single idea of what to do or how to fix any of this shit that he'd just dug himself into. He took a breath, trying to remember what the therapist had told him about panic attacks and that he couldn't let his anxiety get to him, he just needed to take a deep breath as if all the problems in the whole goddamn world could be fixed with a deep breath. He ran his fingers through his hair, tugging at the locks.

He looked to his lamp, biting the inside of his cheek hard until he felt the dull pain. He'd been clean almost a whole week, but he knew there was a slim chance he'd keep it that way anyway. He stood to his feet and grabbed the razor from under the light, walking to the bathroom and locking the door, starting the shower.

Even with people he told about the self harm, he never talked about why he kept doing it, the sharp pain that grounded him back to the center, it shot him back into his body like a rubber band snap, and the warmth that settled over him when he was finished, it felt like he'd accomplished something, like he'd recalibrated. He could never stop coming back to that feeling.

He took a breath and stepped out of the shower, grabbing the gauze wrap from the top cabinet, swearing quietly as he felt one of the cuts reopen. He wrapped his arm up and laid a piece of tape on top of it to keep it down. He felt light-headed, probably a bad sign, but maybe it was just getting up that had caused it.

He heard the front door open.

"Hey, Lo! We're home!" His dad's voice, cheery as ever. He took a breath, it hurt to imagine the looks on their faces when they found out the first time, somewhere between disappointment and disbelief. He couldn't put them through that again.

"Be down in a minute, dad!" He called down.