A/N: Alright, I was not kidding when I said this chapter is going to be a fucking rollercoaster, brace yourselves. Also, I recently got into Billie Marten's music more so here you go, I hope you like it, it's called Live. I'm sorry I've been so few and far between with chapter releases, I've jus been a bit stressed with school and work and shit so that's fun. Anyways, I hope everyone's having a good week and enjoy this chapter.

"Can we talk?" It had been three days since they'd had dinner at the restaurant. Logan knew it had been coming, but he still felt that familiar panic etch at him. They were hanging out at Logan's house, really just laying curled up on his bed. The red-headed boy looked away from his boyfriend, shrugging.

"About what?" He asked as if he didn't know. He was backed into a corner and still avoiding the subject as much as he could. He didn't want things to change, he didn't want Oliver to know about any of it. He shouldn't have gotten so close to him, it was stupid of him to love Oliver like he did, it was dangerous.

"You know what." Oliver said softly and Logan was already pulling at his sleeves, he thought he almost couldn't feel his hands, he didn't feel like he was there anymore, maybe he wasn't, maybe this was all a dream and he'd wake up soon. He brought his finger up to his mouth, biting the skin on his knuckle hard, glancing over to his lamp. He wanted a cigarette, he needed his razor but he couldn't, not with Oliver there.

"Hey." Oliver's voice was gentle, taking Logan's hand away from his mouth, his knuckle bearing the white indent where his teeth had been. "Come here, it's alright." Oliver pulled him closer, wrapping his arms around the boy and Logan buried his face in Oliver's chest. Oliver was always saying he'd protect Logan, but how was he supposed to protect him from himself?

"I-I can't talk about it." Logan said softly after several minutes. "Every time I try I just can't, i-it doesn't come out." He said and he could feel Oliver running his fingers through his hair, Logan couldn't explain why it comforted him so much, but it was such a nice feeling.

"When did it start?" Oliver asked, twirling Logan's curls around his fingers.

"I don't know, a couple years ago? Maybe the summer of freshman year, it didn't get bad until last year." Logan said. He felt small, and for once, he didn't want to. He didn't want to be fragile or tiny, he wanted to be bigger than his fears so he wouldn't be scared of them. It was the first time he really realized he was terrified of telling the truth, of confronting life as it was, he wanted to stay in his own perfect world where he could keep everyone happy and hurt himself without having to worry anyone else about it. He thought maybe he really would have killed himself by now if he didn't know it'd crush his family and friends.

"So what is this, like a..like an eating disorder?" Oliver asked and Logan shrugged numbly, pulling at one of the threads in his sweater sleeve. He wasn't sure anymore, maybe he had an eating disorder, maybe he was faking it for attention, maybe it was just a distraction, he didn't know.

"I don't know how to stop." He whispered brokenly, his eyes filling with tears. Shut up, youuselesspieceofshit, you think he wants to hear your problems? Really? stupididiotbitchslut.

"I'm guessing your dads don't know about this either?" Oliver asked and Logan shook his head a bit. Oliver sighed softly.

"Please don't tell them, I..I'll get better, I'll figure it out, I just need some time."

"Bear, this has been going on for years, how long have you been telling yourself that?" Oliver asked and Logan didn't answer. "This is dangerous, am I supposed to just watch you slowly kill yourself? I can't do that again, I can't sit by and let this happen. It's not your fault, but you need help." Oliver said and Logan sniffled, wiping his nose on his sleeve.

"I got help, remember? It didn't do shit. I went to the hospital, I got a therapist, I was medicated, the whole fucking shabang, I tried and I still didn't get better. What if I'm just...what if I just wasn't ever going to be happy? It's just not in my cards. What if this doesn't go away? What am I supposed to do then? Live a perfectly miserable life with problems that I can't ever fucking solve because nobody can solve them? I know it's not my fault, it's my Dad's for fucking me up and then shooting himself so he wouldn't have to deal with a son he didn't want..I'll probably end up a drunkard like him." Logan said, the anger seeping through his tone, he just needed to be upset and Oliver let him be, holding him close, listening, before he gently kissed the top of Logan's head.

"If I'm not going to grow up to be like my father, then you're not going to grow up to be like yours." He whispered and Logan curled closer to him.

"You're stronger than me." Logan said, sniffling softly.

"No, I don't think I am." Oliver said softly. "Not nearly as pretty either, but that's besides the point. You've gone through shit, more than anyone should, and you're kind. You're nothing like your dad, he was awful, don't you dare compare yourself to someone like that." Oliver said softly and Logan hesitated before nodding a bit, laying his head on Oliver's chest.

"I don't how my mom died, my dads would probably know, it'd be in my file or whatever. I know my parents didn't have a good relationship, he beat her a lot, but the yelling matches were the worst. They were basically still teenagers having a baby they weren't prepared for, but she..she wanted me, so I was born." Logan said softly and Oliver looked down at him, his jaw locked though he didn't seem mad, just upset. "It took me years to piece the bits together, some of it I already knew, most of it I found out through the process of slowly accepting memories through flashbacks and nightmares, I wish I didn't, it would've been better not knowing..so I'm not going to ask how she died, at least...not for a while. They've slowed down recently, I don't want a reason to make them come back."

It was a long time that they laid there in silence, it wasn't uncomfortable, there was just nothing to be said. Oliver didn't know what to say so he just stayed there, gently running his fingers through Logan's hair.

"Hey Bear.." Oliver said softly and Logan looked up, his eyes dried but still a bit red. "When we went out camping, or hiking, or just everything..have you been faking being happy for me too?"

"No.." Logan said, a small smile on his face. "Being together didn't fix everything either, though, I knew it wouldn't, but..I guess a part of me wanted it to, it'd be so nice if you could just whisk away all my problems. Real life doesn't work like that though." Logan said quietly and Oliver cupped his cheek gently, touching his forehead to Logan's with a small smile.

"How about we pretend neither of us have fucked up lives and we can reasonably run away into the sunset and live happily ever after?" Oliver said and Logan smiled a bit brighter.

"Hey Oli?"

"Yeah?" Oliver asked, sitting up a bit and Logan took a breath.

"I think I'm in love with you." He said and Oliver sat there for a moment before sighing softly and Logan was scared for a second that he'd get up and leave.

"Fuck, did you just take another first? First move, first kiss, and now this? agh, I gotta step up my game, this is getting out of hand." Oliver said and Logan giggled as Oliver kissed his nose with a grin. "I love you too, bear." Logan smiled, his face a bright red and he laid down against Oliver again.

"Thank you so fucking much.." Logan said quietly after a long moment of silence. "You're just..I don't even know what to say, I just love you, I love you for being here and putting up with all my shit and..and standing up to Gia, and beating up Jace even though I know it's not good that I wanted him hurt, and for just..being you, I love you, I fucking love you." Logan said, sniffling quietly and Oliver was gently stroking his hair again.

"Come here." Oliver said, pulling Logan closer to him, kissing the top of his head and then Logan looked up at him with his teary eyes and smile and Oliver couldn't help but chuckle softly. "You are absolutely adorable." He said, kissing him gently and Logan kissed back for a moment before giggling. "I love you too, Logan." His voice was soft and gentle and Logan didn't know if he'd feel safe around anyone like this again. Oliver kissed him again and Logan smiled, kissing him back. Oliver's hand rested light against his hip, moving to sit along his back just up his shirt and Logan knew Oliver would feel the sharp bones of his spine and his ribs that stuck out and all these things that he was so proud of when he was alone, but now that there was the possibility of someone seeing him, he just wanted to look human enough for Oliver to accept without question. He wanted to be loved even ugly as he was with the cuts on his skin and the bones sticking out and his smoke-ruined lungs, he wanted more than destruction for once.

Oliver pulled away for a moment, looking at him with a small smile and Logan looked back, breathless for a moment. He wanted this, he wanted Oliver in every way possible, it was overwhelming to feel so strongly for one single person. Oliver gently leaned up, nipping at Logan's ear and the boy shivered slightly, biting his lip as he gripped the fabric of Oliver's shirt.

"Are you ready for this?" Oliver asked softly and Logan nodded, pulling him closer quickly but Oliver gently pushed him back, looking Logan in the eye and the boy looked back at him in slight confusion. "Logan, listen to me, this is a big step to take, are you sure?" He asked and Logan thought about it, glancing away from Oliver, then back to him, nodding.

"I really want this, it's not something I'm going to turn back on. I..I wasn't ready before, but it feels right now." He said and Oliver smiled softly, nodding too before kissing Logan again. It was less gentle, but still slow, there was more passion and intention in it as Oliver bit at Logan's lip, pulling him closer and Logan tugged gently at his boyfriend's hair, tangling his finger's through it as he kissed him.

Oliver gently lifted the boy's two sweaters and Logan pulled away a moment so Oliver could pull them off. Oliver moved to switch their positions, Logan now underneath him, laying on the bed with a small, almost playful smile. Logan was still a bit nervous about everything, but he didn't want it to stop. Oliver gently ran a hand down Logan's torso, fingers dipping into the spaces between ribs, down his dipped in stomach to rest there at the button of his jeans, he didn't say anything, just looked to Logan's eyes again. He waited a moment before pulling off his own shirt and Logan took a breath, his red face only worsening as he finally looked over his boyfriend's muscled arms and toned abs. Oliver chuckled at Logan's widened eyes, it'd been the first time he really felt he could look at Oliver like that without feeling ashamed for doing it. Oliver leaned down, kissing up his chest and neck to his ear once more.

"See something you like?" Oliver asked softly and Logan was just beginning to stumble over a response when his phone rang and he scrambled to get it, seeing it was his dad and he quickly answered, glancing at Oliver.

"H-Hey Dad, what's up?"

"Hey sweetie, we'll be home in about five minutes. We just wanted to check in, How are you, you doing good?" He asked and Logan smiled.

"Yeah, I'm doing great, I've just been watching a movie with Oliver." He said, glancing to Oliver again with a small smile.

"Wonderful, see you in a few, love you."

"Love you, dad." He said before hanging up and then sighing, looking up at Oliver. "They're coming home in five."

"I guess we'll have to postpone this then." Oliver said with a soft sigh.

"But can't we just do it fast?" Logan asked with a pout.

"Bear, I couldn't even prep you in five minutes?"

"Who needs prep?"

"You, it's the only way it'll fit." Oliver said and Logan whined, letting his head fall to the pillow.

"Will you pass me my sweaters?" He asked and Oliver chuckled.

"Yes, your highness." He said sarcastically and Logan giggled, putting on one and then the other. "What'do you say?" Oliver asked with a raised eyebrow and Logan grinned.

"Thank you, Daddy." Logan said jokingly with a giggle, and Oliver looked at him questioningly with a smile before he chuckled, kissing him a moment.

"Save it for the weekend." He said softly and Logan sighed, nodding. "Then I'll have all the time in the world to fuck you into oblivion~" Oliver whispered and Logan's face was bright red all over again, losing all the confidence he'd had a moment ago.

"Come on, it'll be weird if my dads find us on my bed." Logan said softly.

"Yeah, they might think we're doing exactly what we were."

"Oh shut up, come on, let's go make some tea." Logan said, getting up and grabbing Oliver's hand to pull him to the kitchen.