Our shift was almost over, Nadia left early to get the cake. Everyone was secretly getting ready for Erin's surprise party. I walked down to the front office and waited for Nadia to get here.

It had been a while so I texted Nadia to drive to Erin's and that Trudy would take me. Trudy and I were now ready to go, we walked outside of the district and we were ready to get in the car when I noticed something white on the floor.

"Ma give me a sec," I told her while I walked to where my car was parked.

"Honey, what is it?" Trudy asked me.

As I approached I noticed it was Erin's birthday cake and there was blood spattered next to it. I felt my heart jump to my throat. "TRUDY!" I yelled for her.

_____

The team was back in the office. The only thing on everyone's minds now was to find Nadia, to find her and bring her home. We knew Yates took her but we were finding it incredibly difficult to find him.

I was sitting with Mouse trying to see if we could spot my car on the highways. I jumped when I felt a hand on my back.

"You okay?" Adam asked me.

"No." I was honest.

"Hey this isn't your fault, you know that right?" Adam tried to assure me.

I gave him a weak nod. I couldn't help but feel this was nothing but my fault. I was supposed to be the one to get the cake, I should be in Nadia's position right now.

Mouse and I had finally spotted my car and we were able to tell he was headed to New York. Hank immediately notified the NYPD asking them to offer their support with this.

_____

Me, Jay, Erin, Hank, Adam, and I were in New York, a body had been found near the beach and we were asked to make our way to the scene. For some reason I felt numb, it was like I was stopping myself from feeling anything, from even imagining the possibility that this could be Nadia.

We got out of the car and followed the forensic team to where the body was. They uncovered the body of Nadia. I watched as Erin began sobbing, Jay's attention turned to her. I shook my head in denial walking away from the scene.

"y/n." I heard my name being called but I ignored it, just kept walking, faster and faster.

"No no no." I kept whispering to myself. "This isn't real, no no no." I started jogging only to trip and fall to my knees.

"y/n!" Adam was down on his knees in front of me.

"No Adam please tell me this isn't real." My voice began breaking.

"I'm so sorry." Adam was tearing up.

"She can't be dead" I began crying "no she...she can't!" I raised my voice but broke down at that moment. Adam pulled me into his arms. I screamed and sobbed in his arms, I didn't care who was watching.

I couldn't even remember the rest of the trip, I just went numb. Only nodding or shaking my head when talked to and silently crying to myself every few minutes. Erin though did the opposite, pretending like she was okay.

We were now back in the district, Adam wouldn't leave my side. Once I got there Trudy immediately walked over to embrace me.

"I'm so sorry honey." She whispered and I could tell she was tearing up too. "Should we go home?" She asked me.

I finally turned to face her. "I need to go do some paperwork," I told her.

"No need to do that now y/n." Hank tried to stop me.

"No, I...I want to." I told him walking past everyone and to the stairs.

I walked up and stopped at Nadia's desk. I sat down on her chair and picked up the picture she had of us on her desk. I couldn't help but cry.

"God, will you stop already." Erin laughed annoyed.

"What?" I got up angry.

"All you've done is cry cry cry, she's dead! Crying won't make it better!" Erin yelled at me. Jay was trying to stop her.

"Oh really? Well Erin I'm sorry I mourn this way and not drowning myself in drugs, alcohol, and sex instead." I spoke back to her.

"What the hell did you just say to me!" Erin charged at me, her fists clenched. Jay and Hank held her back while Adam and Antonio held me.

"y/n that's enough!" Hank shouted at me.

"DON'T YOU DARE HANK! DON'T YOU DARE BELITTLE ME JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE TOO BLINDED TO SEE HER FLAWS! SHE WAS MY BEST FRIEND!" I yelled at Hank.

"I swear if you say another word!" Erin tried pushing past them.

"I'M F*CKING SORRY ERIN IF I CRY TOO MUCH, I'M SORRY I CAN'T STOP THINKING ABOUT HER OK, BUT IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE ME!." Everyone's attention was now on my next words.

"What?" Adam asked.

"I was supposed to get your cake, I was supposed to be out there. I should be dead right now, not her...she was supposed to be here on her desk getting ready to be the best detective there ever was. Yates was supposed to take me! He was supposed to kill me!" I lowered my voice but cried after every word.

I pried myself off Adam's and Antonio's grip and ran downstairs. I headed outside not stopping even after Trudy yelled for me.

I just started walking, walking away from the district, away from everyone. I needed to breathe, to clear my head, to cool down. I was wiping my tears away that I didn't even realize when I had wandered to the middle of a busy road.

"y/n!" I heard someone yell my name and pull me to the side before I heard a loud car horn and a breeze behind me. Jay had pulled me away from an oncoming car.

"Jay please if you're here to talk to me about Erin, or tell me to go back-" I continued walking after checking for cars.

Jay stopped me again but this time grabbing my hand gently. "No, y/n please just wait. I know you need time, I know you're hurting for Nadia but please let me take you home. I need to know that you'll be somewhere safe tonight." I could see the urgency in his eyes.

"Fine." I gave in. He had parked his car on the previous road. I got in the car with him and we didn't speak on the way to my apartment.

Once we made it there Jay got out of the car and opened the door for me. He helped me out and walked me to my door.

I wasn't crying anymore, but it wasn't because I didn't want to, simply because I had no more tears to cry anymore. I knew my face was probably swollen and gross but I didn't care.

"y/n, I had a lot of esteem for Nadia, but I need you to know that you shouldn't have been the one." Jay place his hand under my chin and lifted my face up to see him. "I know you didn't want me to say anything. But with you gone, I don't think I'd be able to carry on. I meant what I said in the ambulance, I need you here, and I know a lot of people do." He finished, wiping my cheeks with his thumb.

He was about to walk away. "Jay." I grabbed his arm. "Do you mind staying with me tonight?" I asked him.

"No, not at all." He didn't think twice, he turned back and walked into my apartment with me.

I went straight to my couch. "D'you mind getting me a cup of water?" I asked Jay.

"Sure, and I'll make you a PB&J." He told me.

"No I'm not hungry." I politely declined.

"I wasn't asking." He smirked and I simply nodded. While he was in the kitchen I heard a knock at the door. I was getting up when Jay beat me to it.

"Jay, I'm not handicapped you know?" I complained.

He opened the door. "Oh." I heard someone say then Kelly walked in. "Bear." Was all he said as he walked over to me to give me a hug.

His embrace made me shed a few tears. "I'll go." I then heard Jay say as he picked up his jacket.

"No!." I stopped him "Stay. Kelly I love you and you know that but I'm ok, Jay, he's helping me so you don't need to worry about me for tonight." I told Kelly.

"You sure?" He said in a slight whisper.

"I'm sure." I gave him a soft but reassuring smile.

Kelly walked back and stood in front of Jay. I could tell they were both tense until Kelly extended his hand to him. "Take care of her man."

"I will." Jay patted Kelly in the back while Kelly left. Jay shut the door. He walked back to the kitchen and brought back the PB&Js he made.

"Come." I told him patting the space in the sofa next to me.

He walked over and sat. I shifted my body so I was leaning against his chest. He put his arm over me. "Are you feeling a little better?" He asked me as we ate our sandwiches.

"I am, thank you. Hey, Did I exaggerate at the office?" I asked him.

"I think you spoke your truth, and I actually think you were right." I sat up and turned to face him.

"Why did you comfort Erin and not me when we found Nadia?" I asked him setting down my now empty plate on the coffee table.

He looked down and I saw he was hesitating to say something. He too set down his plate. "It was easier." He finally spoke.

"What?"

"Seeing you hurting like that...scream the way you did." He choked up. "It was easier for me to comfort Erin. It was a selfish move but easier." He finally looked up to meet me eye to eye.

Without thinking I leaned forward and kissed him. After a few seconds I pulled away. We looked at each other again before Jay placed his hand behind my neck and gently pulled me towards his lips again.