We were all sitting in the waiting room, I felt physically sick not knowing what was going on with y/n in there. Gabby and Sylvie had stayed and some of the guys from the firehouse had arrived with Kelly, Trudy, and Mouch after hearing the news. It felt like we'd been waiting for forever when Ethan finally walked out.

We all got up. "She's stable for now, but she's not awake, she had some brain swelling and I'm sorry but we weren't able to save the baby," Ethan told us. I heard gasps around me.

"Can we see her?" Trudy asked Ethan.

"Yes, but I can only let in 2 people for now," Ethan told her.

Trudy and I nodded at each other agreeing that it would be us. We followed after Ethan through the hallways until getting to her room. I was relieved to see her looking better but hated seeing all kinds of tubes and wires connected to her.

"Can she hear us?" Trudy asked.

"It's possible but we can't be sure." Ethan gave her a faint smile.

"Hey sweetheart, it's me, Mah." Trudy started crying as she sat on a chair next to her bed. "You're gonna be okay, I'm right here with you baby." She grabbed y/n's hand and rested her head on the space next to y/n crying harder.

I couldn't hold my tears in. I approached y/n on the opposite side and took her hand. "Hi babe, I'm here." I started talking to her. "I'm sorry about what I said earlier, I was just so nervous and excited about being a dad."

Trudy took my hand giving it a tight squeeze. "I'm so sorry." She whispered to me.

"But Trudy's right, you're gonna be okay." I continued talking to her. "You need to be because I can't live without you, I just can't." I broke down. "I love you infinity roundtrips to infinity and beyond." I bent down to kiss her forehead.

I didn't want to leave her side. Trudy and I stayed with her for a while just talking to her and letting her know we were there, asking her to fight for us. Trudy left after a while and a short time after I heard someone arrive.

Kelly was at the doorway and as soon as he took a look at y/n, the bruises all over her face and bandages covering her body, he too broke down crying. He walked over to y/n taking her hand.

"Hi, Bear...it's me Kels." I forced a smile. "What did you get yourself into now huh?" I started joking with her, that was the relationship we had. "You look messed up Bear." I stifled a laugh but soon lost my smile again. "But you're gonna be okay, you know that. Because you're the strongest person I've ever met, and I can't lose you...not you too." I thought about Shay and Anna.

Jay sat back on his chair not letting go of y/n's hand. "Kelly I need to talk to you." He spoke, I could tell he had been crying.

"Okay." I thought he was angry at me about something.

He got up and stepped out of the room and I followed after him. "Kelly, y/n was pregnant, she lost the baby." He told me.

"I heard, I'm so sorry man." I wasn't sure what to tell him.

"Uhmm, this is hard for me to say but y/n, she told me there was a possibility this baby might have been yours." He looked up at me.

"What?" It was like I heard exactly what he said but I couldn't process it.

"She calculated the time of conception and it was around the same time she last slept with you and that we got back together. This baby could have been yours." He repeated.

I was speechless, I wasn't even sure how to feel. "Why didn't she tell me?" I asked him.

"She found out yesterday and she came and told me...I'm not proud of it but I told her not to tell you," he admitted.

I looked back to y/n, laying there just feeling sorry for what she had to go through, feeling sorry for what she still had to go through after she woke up.

_______

I knew I was in the hospital but I also couldn't wake up, couldn't open my eyes, and couldn't move. I could hear people talking to me, Jay, Kelly Trudy, Adam, and I could feel them holding my hand, their lips on my forehead and cheeks.

I knew I had lost the baby which completely shattered me, and if I had been physically able too I would have sobbed, sobbed the same way I was on the inside. I felt completely destroyed about my survival instead of the babies.

I wanted to talk so badly. I kept trying too. "I wish you'd just wake up already, I'm so sorry for putting you in that situation, for you losing your baby, I'm so sorry." I heard Kev crying.

"It's not your fault Kev, I don't blame you. I'm alive thanks to you." I thought to myself, wishing I could just say it out loud.

It was like wishing so hard had paid off since I was finally able to open my eyes. It was really bright, it took a second for my eyes to adjust, I felt a tube down my throat. I looked to my side and saw Jay was sleeping on a chair behind Kevin who had his head resting on my hand. I focused on trying to move my fingers and I did.

"y/n?" Kev raised his head. "We need a doctor in here!" He hollered outside which also caused Jay to shoot up awake.

"What?" He asked Kev before realizing I was awake. "y/n?" his lips curled into a wide smile.

I then saw Natalie next to me. "Okay honey, we're gonna take this tube out, it's gonna feel uncomfortable so take a deep breath when I tell you okay?" I gave a small nod. "Ok, deep breath." She said.

I took a deep breath and in one smooth pull she took the tube out of my throat causing me to gag a little and start coughing. Every time I coughed my body ached, Jay passed me some water and I drank some. "Thanks." I tried to say but my voice was very weak.

"Alright, so it's still gonna be sore when you try to speak since your jaw is still healing so try not to open your mouth too much," Natalie told me. "How are you feeling?" She then asked me.

"Much better thank you." I felt myself tear up as I remembered the way I felt before.

"Alright, I'll leave you to chat, call me if you need anything." Natalie gave me a wink before leaving.

I turned to Kev and Jay. "Kev, it's not your fault, you saved me." I told him extending my hand out for him to grab my hand which he did and I gave it a tight squeeze. "I'm glad you're okay." I could tell he needed to hear that. Kev understood that Jay and I needed to be alone so he left.

Jay was on the verge of tears. "I'm so happy you're okay." He pulled a chair closer to my bed taking a seat. He put an arm behind my head stroking my hair and with the other, he took my hand.

"Jay I'm so sorry about the baby." I started crying.

Jay looked at me completely distraught. "Shh shh shh, y/n it's not your fault, don't ever think for a second that you were responsible." Jay shed a few tears.

I nodded but it was easier said than done and I knew it would take me a while to process everything and learn to live with it. "How long was I out?" I asked Jay.

"Almost 3 weeks." He let me know but before I could answer I heard people rushing into the room. I looked down and saw Trudy and Adam had come in.

"SIS!" Adam sounded like a little kid full of excitement.

"Honey thank God." They both approached me on either side. Trudy slightly pushed Jay back to stand by my side.

_________

The rest of my hospital visit was hard and busy, the guys from 51 and the team kept coming to visit me and I had to do a lot of physical therapy so I really almost got no time with Jay alone until it was my release day.

"Alright, you ready to go?" He asked me after I had gotten dressed.

"Yeah." I still wasn't able to walk really fast and it was still a bit sore but it was huge progress from the way I was before. "Jay can we take a second." I sat down on the edge of the bed.

"Yeah, are you alright?" He asked concerned, walking over in front of me.

"Yeah, I just wanted to take a second with you." I grabbed his hands. "Thank you for being here and never leaving my side, I heard you, every time you talked to me," I told him.

"Of course, what else was I supposed to do, I couldn't breathe when I wasn't with you." He told me. "I'm sorry for the way we left things off before..." he didn't finish.

I remembered our fight. "It's fine, I know you talked to Kelly and I know it was a hard thing to wrap your head around." I gave him a smile.

"Have I told you how much I love you?" he smiled walking in between my legs.

"No, I don't think so, tell me again." I joked hugging his waist.

"More than life itself." He told me leaning down to kiss me.

"I love you, Jay Alexander Halstead." I kissed him again.

His smile was so bright. "Now please let me take you home, I grew to hate this room." He laughed.

I laughed with him. "Ok let's go." He helped me off the bed and off we went.