CHAPTER FIVE: TENSE

Desire grows by what it feeds on.

When we get home Jasper watches me use the EpiPen and even calls over his friend- -and Vivianna's almost boyfriend- -who's a medical student to come and 'take a look at me'.

Though, through his freaking out over me eating that deadly and dangerous pomegranate I doubt that the musician notices his friend, whose name is Ahmik, pretty much glances at me and goes, "He's alive."

Tired college students at their best.

I don't like people, that's a given.

In fact, I find most of them utterly exhausting to be around.

So for the most part, I'm completely silent during this whole thing.

Jasper keeps looking at me like he's waiting for something bad to happen.

And I understand what that means, I'm not oblivious, he thinks I'm mad at him.

Sighing, I realize it's because I've been so quiet but I don't think he realizes that's just how I am around strangers and didn't act like that around his parents because I created a crime scene in our living room.

"Jasper?" I quietly call him, watching as he turns towards me with a frown. "C'mon."

Leading him- -who is now in a bagging shirt and grey sweats instead of deliciously shirtless- -into the kitchen, silently getting him away from the disturbingly chaotic couple.

I jump on top of the corner of the counter, swinging one leg on the opposite side of me and in my mind this is normal.

Normal chairs don't do it for me, hence my bean bag. I would rather sit on anything but a chair or stool, and don't even like being on a couch unless I'm eating or have the opportunity to watch a horror movie with someone.

Cuddling is...it's rare, and it's rare for me to find someone I can tolerate to touch.

Jasper is one of these people.

But I'm not telling him the difference.

Noticing the distance he has between us makes me frown more, clutching at my elbows as my ticing only gets worse.

Fuck Tourette's.

"Jitterbug," I call him teasingly, hoping it will ease the mood. "What's got you so nervous?"

He visibly relaxes- -for just a second- -before tensing again.

Just from the looks of him and the way I know he gets trapped in his head, it's clear that Jasper is overthinking something.

And I desperately want to do something to help the musician but I don't know what his comfort language is like so I've already done the best thing I could -I asked questions.

Maybe I'm reading this wrong and he's the one mad at me for doing something that stupid and scaring him, I really didn't think it through and didn't mean to scare him, but I don't honestly think that's it.

Call it intuition but Jasper's honestly upset.

At what, I don't know, but I'm willing to bet it has something to do with me and my stupid decisions.

Just when things started to take a shift between us and I thought that maybe, he was getting more relaxed around me I went and literally upset him in one of the worst ways possible.

Jasper shuffles anxiously, shrinking in on himself while shooting me occasional glances from teary mint colored eyes. It makes my heart clench, makes me feel quite stupid too.

"Well, u-um, I just, I j-just really don't -I really don't want you to be mad at me."

When he says this it kills me and by that I mean it feels like he ripped something vital out of my chest with words alone.

I take it back, I would prefer it if he was mad at me instead of this anxious, upset and stuttering man wanting to look so small in front of me as his palms cover his eyes.

He's going to cry.

"A-and, and I know t-that I crossed a line earlier but I was so worried. I didn't m-mean to make you mad, Cas, I promise."

Oh god, he thinks I'm mad at him, he thinks he did something wrong and that's why he's upset.

How do I fix this -what do I do?

"Hey, hey," I jump down from the counter, wrapping my arms as best I could around his waist but the guy is just so large and I don't think I can hug him properly, or comfortingly enough. "It's alright.

I'm just awkwardly squeezing his sides and ticing oddly and probably am making everything worse.

"I'm not mad, literally not- -mother duckling- -at all, I don't think-" I squeak, squeezing him harder. "-that you did anything wrong. Please, just-" I squeak again. "-look at me okay?"

Jasper takes a shaky breath in and I feel his chest shake against my cheek.

"I don't w-want to cry. I don't know, I don't-- are y-you really not mad?"

Calling out softly to him, knowing what it's like to need reassurance when I'm feeling this upset, I pull his hands away from his blood-shot eyes as gently as I can -ignoring the way he shakes against me.

"I'm not mad," I tell him, trying to make him believe me by maintaining eye-contact but that plan is foiled as soon as I wink -one of my smaller tics. "Not at- -mother duckling- -all. It's okay to cry, yeah? I can tell you have a lot of anxiety."

I'd have to be a fool to miss that.

I want to be good for him, and that sounds a little...weird, I think, if I spoke that out loud.

But it's true.

I want to be good for him and I want him to realize I think he's good too. As a roommate, friend or any other odd thing we stumble into being.

The musician nods, bending against me to be able to rest his forehead against my shoulder -large arms finally dropping down to hold me back.

His hug is warm and inviting and safe but it's also loose and hesitant.

Can he not hug me any tighter?

"Thank you," Jasper murmurs, turning his head so his cheek is against my neck. I'm almost afraid he can feel me flush, but ignore that and focus on him. "You d-didn't have to do this -comfort me when, when I was the one who messed up."

People can mess up during acts of kindness, I'm not going to pretend that they can't because it's common, it's human, but Jasper is different.

Careful is the only thing he is with me and while a bit exasperating at very, very brief moments, it was mostly sweet and made me feel as safe as I do when I'm home.

With him though, it was a completely different kind of safe.

One I still have to figure out.

"You didn't-" I growl. "-mess up, you were just...scared? For me?"

His arms tighten for a second before loosening again, "Yeah. 'Cause you were a baby bit of a dummy and drank that stupid smoothie."

That's probably the nicest way I ever could expect someone to explain me willingly and happily drinking something that could kill me.

But from this giant goof?

Definitely expected.

"I was a-" I squeak. "-complete dumbass, not just a baby bit of a dummy. Stop being so nice." Telling him this, I pull away slightly to look up at him. "Sometimes, being mean is better."

Jasper pouts.

And I want to do something I'm definitely not going to do right now, but I can't stop myself from thinking about and feel my ears start to burn.

Grumbling I pull away completely so I won't embarrass myself.

"Cas," Jasper's voice comes out a small whine as one of his hands comes up to grab my side. "Can I, um... just have another hug, please?"

My cute roommate wants a hug.

When he's upset.

And is acting adorable.

Taking a small breath, head jerking as I growl, I raise on my toes and give him a proper hug.

If someone's not in your arms and you can't hold them tighter without it being painful, I don't classify it as a real hug.

Those are half hugs.

And they're bullshit.

"Do you always hug so loose?" I grumble, pulling away from him again, a bit annoyed at this point that the musician wants a hug but is treating me like porcelain. "You're the perfect height to give anyone a hug, good hugs and that's how you use that power?"

Taking his hands- -he's just staring at me with his minty eyes in this sort of...daze -if that's what I can call it- -I tug him down towards me slightly and make him give me a real hug.

He surprises me by instantly hugging me tighter, hands gripping me.

Grinning, I squeeze him back. "Was that so-" I growl. "-hard?"

Jasper snuggles closer to me, arms tightening around my middle. "Hmm, nope, Just didn't want to hurt you."

"I'm not that fragile." I grumble, huffing at him.

"I know that, you're hella strong." He probably doesn't even know how strong I am. I'm not your regular running-back, I can do a lot more than people think. "But like... also a little tiny. Compared to me! Not like regular-tiny! And I've hurt someone before, on accident when I didn't know my own strength. I don't wanna do that to you."

For the normal population, I'm average. I'm 5'10 and sure I might be closer to 5'9 than 5'12 but I'm not short and I'm not tiny.

He's just a giant.

But I kinda like that I fit against him so well.

Even if because of that, the musician is scared to hurt me.

"Well, do you know your own strength by now?"

"Yes, Sir," Jasper chuckles out, making me pause and realize that I don't mind him calling me that. "I know my own strength by now -physically, anyway."

Without warning, he flexes around me, letting me feel his muscles against my waist and chest which I tell you -doesn't help my fleeting imagination. I squeak and this time, I really don't know if it was a tic or just a sound I made because of his actions.

We've definitely been hugging too long.

I like this too much.

Gulping, I say, "Well, I'm glad you know because now you know you don't have to be scared to touch me."

Which is more than less, an invitation.

But the oblivious man in front of me probably won't notice that.

"Oh," The musician sighs, I can feel his breath hot on my neck. Fuck. "Yeah, I guess I don't. Wait, does this mean I can get more hugs?"

Exasperated as that's where he thinks I'm taking that, I snort and pat him on the head, "Of course."

Opening my eyes at the sound of soft footsteps, I see Vivianna come in the room and make a surprised face. I narrow my eyes at her, but she just winks and bounces closer to us.

He makes an excited noise in the back of his throat, one that sounds a lot like "Yay!" but with his voice, it's more of a sound than a word.

"You guys are so cute right now!" She says, startling Jasper -who tenses against me. "Aw, wait, stay there, I want a photo!"

Of us, or of her jumpy best friend's face?

Jasper straightens and pulls away from me only to, seemingly subconsciously, tug me right back into his side. "Wait, Viv, you can't just try to take pictures of people unless it's okay with them!" He shouts. "You didn't even ask Cas!"

I'm who he's worried about? He's the one who thinks he's ugly.

Vivianna, with no shame, replies, "Suck a dick!"

"I would but you're a cock blocker," He snaps in reply -instantly making me choke at the sharp turn my imagination takes.

Flustered, the musician tries to correct himself, not realizing I'm not offended but something more.

The dense motherfucker pulls away from me, rubbing the back of his neck sheepishly while his minty eyes drop to the ground.

"I wasn't being serious! I'm sorry, I promise I wasn't expecting anything just b-because you were nice to me or, or anything! I wasn't insinuating it or, um...sorry."

Shrugging off the awkwardness, I just pat his chest teasingly. "As long as we're on the same page that it would be my dick getting sucked."

"Got it!" Vivianna cheers victoriously, before stopping short and scowling at us. "You're not cute anymore?"

Smirking lightly, I look Jasper up and down. "I thought you two just decided that cute wasn't the objective here."

"I shouldn't be surprised," The weirdo says, smirking too. "Our first real conversation was about banging God, after all."

The med student walks in and asks something but I completely miss everything he and Vivianna start to talk about simply based on the fact that the moment Jasper saw Ahmik, he winced harshly.

Glaring hard down to the floor, I notice the moment Jasper steps closer me, his side pressing into mine. If I could cover all of him with my body, I would be right now.

Ahmik doesn't seem like much of a threat, he's not even doing anything besides talking to Vivianna.

But he still made my roommate wince.

And that's completely unacceptable to me.

I might have my mother's smile but I have my father's fists and it's not something people should forget.

Answering something, Ahmik raises his hand to rub his cheek and he does just that but Jasper flinches. The musician grips at the bottom of his shirt, taking a deep breath to- -I think- -calm down.

My protectiveness kicks in.

Putting a hand- -I made sure it was gentle- -on Jasper's shoulder makes him jerk to the side before looking at me with wide eyes.

I don't know what's causing this but it makes me so bothered that the man in front of me doesn't feel safe that it's almost angering.

Shakily, Jasper nods at me and says, "I'm okay."

But I know that's a lie.

He might feel like he doesn't have a reason not to be okay, or isn't registering how scared he's acting, but either way he's not okay.

That does piss me off, because it's something Ahmik is causing and getting rid of Ahmik? That is definitely something I can do.

"Hey, dipshits," I snap. "Go pick out a movie and leave us alone, okay."

It's not a question.

Vivianna instantly explodes into a chaotic has-to-pick-the-right-movie speech while Ahmik rolls his eyes at her but follows her into the living room.

Today must be entirely overwhelming for Jasper because he's clearly having a panic attack.

Scared that he's going to fall down or hurt himself in the kitchen, I lead the basically unresponsive man into his room -where I hope he feels more comfortable.

Sitting him on his bed, I notice he's holding his breath.

This is what my mom does to avoid a panic attack, something half of my siblings inherited so I know that he needs to calm down.

"Jitterbug?" I cup his face in my hands, running my thumbs over his cheeks to try and break him from his thoughts. It works and he snaps back into reality with a startled gasp. "Hey, can you hear me? What- -mother duckling- -happened?"

His hands snap out and grab onto my hips, thumbs digging into the tops of my thighs as he pulls me smack into him. "W-what? I didn't, I..."

Jasper looks utterly confused, upset and confused, and I don't know exactly what to do to help other then step closer to him- -he seems to like physical contact when he's upset- -and try to get at least a small amount of answers.

"C'mon, Jasper, focus on me, okay?" I tell him, continuing to run my thumb over his cheekbone. "Why don't you feel safe?"

I need to know.

The musician just looks more confused.

"I...I don't. I'm just -it gets...everything's t-too much for me again and, and I know that's stupid but it is. I know you helped me calm down earlier but then Viv and Ahmik," He says it's both of them, but I know it's just Ahmik and the bad part of me tells me to do something not so nice to make sure it doesn't happen again. "He um, gets intense? And it's just too much to handle right now. I'll do better tomorrow, I p-promise."

"You never have to try to do better than you're capable of." I pause, growling and struggling not to jerk around too much. "Don't push yourself to do or tolerate something you can't. You can't pour out of an empty cup."

"Today was j-just a lot," As I guessed. "Not that it was, it was your fault. It was stressful just from the start. And I, um, I-I'm an overthinker?"

That's obvious.

But that's not what I focus on, what I catch is him saying it was stressful just from the start.

"Do you mean- -in Eden- -because I flirted with you?" That's pretty much the first thing that happened this normal out of the ordinary.

I thought that it didn't bother him, that he liked it, but if it stressed him out I'll stop and never do it again.

"What? O-of course not!" His hands hold me tighter, and I instantly feel relieved. "I just overthought myself into a panic! I just, we were talking and, and I thought of something and it just reminded me that I'm-"

That he's...what? Why does he look so sad?

"I'm just overwhelming -overwhelmed! A lot happened that m-my anxiety didn't appreciate. Usually I'd play some music but I don't want to mess anyone else's song up or make their colors switch and their, their watching a movie anyway, it would b-be rude. I just... once I can play my music, I'll be okay."

I don't know what someone's song or their colors mean but I'm not going to question that right now, so just tell him, "We can listen to you play instead." Before sourly adding, "The other two-" I growl. "-can wait to play their movie."

"Is that really okay?" Jasper asks, head tilting to the side."

"Yes," I make sure this word is said directly, so there's no tone or hesitancy to make him second guess. "Grab what instrument you like and show me how well you play it."

Pausing, I give him a small smirk, challenging him.

"Impress me."

So the musician grabs his violin and they sit in the living room together, listening to all he has to offer.

His song?

It's beautiful.