I caught Alex's eye and lightly motioned towards the door. He cleared his throat.

"Actually, Evan and I should probably head out." Ben sent a glare his way, but soon everyone else followed suit and started shuffling and grabbing their things, saying goodbyes to each other.

Alex and I followed a few others out and everyone dispersed. He pulled out a cigarette when we made it outside and I sighed, giving him a glare as he lit it up. He ignored my disapproving look and inhaled, his eyelids dropping a fraction in content before he exhaled.

"So, what the hell was that all about?" He asked, motioning towards the bar. I frowned,

"I have no idea, you know them a lot better than I do."

"Well, yeah. But you've just spent an hour with Rowan—"

"Alex, you smoke?" Erik had snuck up on us. His phone was in his hand and I could make out the Lyft home screen. He turned and grinned at him,

"Only when—"

"He's drunk." I finished for him, plucking the cigarette from his fingers and putting it out on the bottom of my shoe. Alex groaned and pulled out the carton again.

"That's really stupid. And it'll hurt your stamina for basketball season, you won't be able to play more than a quarter if you keep it up." Alex laughed before lighting a new one.

"As if I'll make a college team, Erik." He shrugged,

"You never know. Anyway, you guys should come to my grad party this Saturday."

***

I plopped down on Lucy's couch in her guest room. Alex was on the bed fiddling with the remote and Madison was sitting cross-legged on the ground. Lucy had fallen asleep before we'd gotten there.

"So Maddy. What the hell was that all about?" She turned and looked at us, Alex stopped messing with the remote to listen. She sighed.

"Okay. Ben just has, like, a really bad reputation, specifically with girls." I frowned as she continued. "Like everyone else, he tried going after Lucy freshman year and got like, really creepy when she said no."

"Creepy how?" I asked. I'd never heard the rumors and was slightly hurt that neither of them had told me.

"He just... wouldn't stop texting her. She blocked him and he confronted her at a party once. Nobody's outright said he's raped anyone, but girls say he gets really aggressive when he's drunk. Lucy just told me that he tried putting his hands on her at that party and she left."

"Shithead." Alex muttered. "Wait, why haven't either of you ever told us anything?" Madison rolled her eyes.

"It's different for girls. I don't know. You guys would've gotten all protective and macho when we can handle ourselves perfectly fine." Alex scoffed.

"That's not true we're your friends we wouldn't have made it worse." She shrugged.

"You would've confronted Ben though, right?"

"Yeah, well, duh."

"Point proven." Alex crossed his arms but I still felt like it would've been better had we known. We could've looked out for them.

"Well," I joined in, "luckily we won't have to ever see him again, right? We're done with the high school bullshit."

They nodded along and Alex figured out how to operate the remote and switched the tv on. Madison left to go to bed and Alex had fallen asleep on the bed as Real Housewives started playing.

I grabbed the remote from him and flipped it to a nature documentary before I faded into sleep on the couch.

***

The next day went by quickly. I'd mowed the lawn for my dad and reorganized my room, tossing all my old school binders and papers away. My parents had been at work for the first half of the day but made sure to smother me with attention when they got back. If this was what the next two years would be like, I wasn't sure I'd make it.

Saturday I woke up to a large brunch that I was sure my mom had spent at least an hour on. She squealed happily when I walked down the stairs and my dad calmly read the newspaper at the other side of the table, as if it still contained anything other than advertisements.

I made small talk with them, my mom continuously asking me if I'd ask Lucy out before she went away to college. I kept telling her we were just friends but she refused to believe me. Lucy was her favorite of my friends, but the thought just made me uncomfortable. She was like my sister.

After breakfast, I went to my room and spent time on my computer scrolling through Rowan's social media accounts. His latest photo was from a year ago, and just had been of him playing basketball. I searched through his friends list and found Ben. Curiously clicking his username, I looked through his photos.

Almost every single one of them had been taken at a party. I scrolled to a few years back, browsing through the photos until I spotted one with Madison in the background. Looking behind the drunken stupid expression on Ben's face, I saw that Madison was speaking to someone in the photo. I concluded that it was Lucy after zooming in closely and catching sight of a bit of short, blonde hair.

My door busted open and I jumped, cursing loudly and shutting my computer. It was Alex, he had a mischievous grin on his face.

"Dude, were you watching porn? You know what, don't tell me, I don't wanna know." I denied it but he wasn't listening to me, as he shut the door and pulled a large bag full of weed from his backpack, dangling it in front of my face.

"You ready for Erik's party?"

***

I had a Heineken in my hand, nodding along to some story Madison was telling me, Lucy and another girl about her first piercing. Alex was outside smoking another joint. My eyes were drooping, I was baked. I watched Madison expressively moving her arms to her story, her now blue hair had been messily tied up in a bun.

My eyes trailed to her ears, she was wearing a pair of dangling earrings that were a shade of blue identical to that of her new hairstyle. Lucy and the other girl laughed next to me as Madison reached a pivotal moment in her story.

I looked at them and back at her, quickly laughing along. I hoped she wouldn't notice that I hadn't focused on a single word. She continued, and I saw Erik out of the corner of my eye walking down the stairs. I stood up letting the others know I was heading to the restroom.

"Hey Erik, where's the bathroom? Your house is like a maze." I said, reaching him. It really wasn't, but the sole fact that it had two floors would throw me off when I was that high. He laughed and pointed,

"Up the stairs, second door on the left." I nodded and followed his instructions.

***

I stared at myself in the mirror. My eyes were half open, their usually light green looking dull, distant and removed. It felt like there was a different person on the other side of the glass. I opened the tap and splashed my face with cold water before shaking my head to try and focus. That just made my head spin so I stopped, staying still for a moment.

Once I convinced myself I was composed enough, I left the bathroom, grabbing my beer from the shelf I'd left it on before entering.I looked below the railing at the lower floor, seeing Lucy and Madison still happily chatting. I felt a wave of melancholy wash over me, realizing they'd be out of state as soon as fall hit.

I didn't like the idea of having to make new friends. I was fine with the way things were. I wasn't ready to start new.

"Evan, right?" I tore my eyes away from the party downstairs and turned around. At first I didn't see anyone but my eyes lowered to see a boy sitting against the wall a few feet from me. He had dirty blonde hair and bright blue eyes. His forearms were resting on his knees in front of him, with a can of beer in his left hand.

I blinked a few times before realizing I hadn't responded.

"Yeah, sorry. Do I know you?" He gave me a half smile, looking up at me with amused eyes.

"We haven't met. I was at your graduation, my sister was in your grade. I'm Sam." I nodded and send him an apologetic smile,

"Oh, what's your sister's name? Maybe I know her."

"Mia Davis." I frowned, recognizing it.

"She was a cheerleader, right?" He laughed,

"Yeah." I'd seen her in the halls and at basketball games. She was short, petite, and pretty popular if I could remember correctly.

"Yeah, she was pretty cool." I responded, not knowing what else to say. I hadn't ever hung out with her. He laughed again, looking amused.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to put you on the spot." I shook my head dismissively and studied his features as he watched me. He was wearing a loose blue v-neck and black jeans. He didn't seem to feel uncomfortable with the silence that lingered.

I felt strange just looking down at him, so I walked over and sat down against the wall next to him, turning my eyes back to the party below.

"So, did she bring you here?" I asked, curious. I hadn't seen him before at our school and he seemed a year or two older than me.

"Yeah, and some friends from Creighton were coming too so I tagged along." He responded, I felt his eyes on me. I turned my head in interest,

"You go to Creighton?" He nodded, taking a sip of his beer.

"Where are you headed?" I sighed,

"Metropolitan." I don't know why I'd get embarrassed to tell others I was going to community college.

"I know some people there, I think you'll like it." I gave a short laugh,

"Thanks, I hope so." I took a sip from my drink and scrunched my face up. "Why does Heineken smell and taste like they infused it with weed?"

Sam looked at me, an entertained smile spreading across his face.

"No way does it taste like weed." My eyes widened and I held my bottle up to his face. He gently took it from me before taking a small sip. I watched as his expression of disbelief faded and a small defeated smile grew on his face.

"Okay, well maybe a little..." I laughed and took another sip. "I don't get why people like weed." I looked at him, curiously.

"Really?" He shook his head.

"I've got to disagree, I'm pretty baked right now..." He looked closer at my eyes and laughed when he saw my pupils.

"I didn't even realize, you hide it well. Why do you like it?" I leaned my head back against the wall and stared off into the distance.

"Well, you know when you get really lost in your own thoughts? Like, there's nothing you can do to stop yourself from thinking about a certain thing, over and over until you're getting paranoid and stressed over something you shouldn't even be thinking about. Weed just kind of, takes those thoughts away from me for a bit. Gives me some peace." I turned to look at him. He'd been watching me as I spoke, listening carefully.

"I wish it affected me like that. It does the complete opposite for me. I'll get super paranoid when I'm high, overthinking the tiniest things. That's why I stick to alcohol." He said, raising his beer.

I laughed and brought my beer to lightly tap against his, before we both drank. "Anyway," he started, "what kind of things do you tend to overthink?" I hummed, wondering if I should tell him.

"Uh, I'm not sure." I turned my head and stared into the blue eyes watching me. "Mostly... just social interactions and..." I trailed off as his features drew me in, my eyes trailing down from his eyes to his lips. He was only inches from my face, had I moved closer to him or had he come towards me?

My eyes fluttered shut as I felt his soft lips touch mine gently, before he leaned further into the kiss. His lips tasted mildly of the beer we'd just drank together.

My hand absentmindedly set the beer bottle on the ground next to me and made its way to his chest. I slowly felt myself kiss him back timidly.He steered the kiss and gently bit down on my lower lip, causing my mouth to open slightly. His tongue slowly took over and I felt his hand get tangled in my hair, while his other one lightly grazed against my neck.

At that action, my mind jumped to Rowan touching me the same way in his cousin's bar. I pushed Sam back and broke away from the kiss, staring at him shocked.

"Are you okay?" He asked, his eyes were eagerly searching my face, looking confused.

My heart pounded as realization came to me of what I'd done. I felt heat rush up to my face and avoided his eyes.

"I-I'm sorry... I'm just not sure that I'm... into guys." I slowly met his eyes again, but he didn't seem angry.

"That's okay," He said, leaning back. "I should go find my friends, they're probably wondering where I am." I looked at him apologetically. He slowly got up and started walking to the steps. I leapt up after him and grabbed his hand in fear. He turned around.

"Can you, like... not tell anyone about that? I've never..." I trailed off looking away from him, feeling my cheeks warm.

"Don't worry, your secret is safe with me." He winked and I felt myself blush even more. "Don't overthink it." He said, his hand squeezed mine before it slipped away and he headed back downstairs.

I watched him go. Don't overthink it? How? My mind was going haywire and I sat back against the wall, trying to think through what had happened.

You kissed him back...

I felt my heart pound faster... It had to have been the mix of weed and alcohol. I wasn't thinking straight...

I heard a muffled yell come from one of the rooms near me and my attention snapped.