For some reason, my nerves weren't on overdrive like they should've been in that kind of situation. I was too distracted by the fact that I'd actually get to find out what the hell was up with Rowan's coach to focus on the fact that we'd be sleeping in the same bed again, and that this time it was his idea.

"Wait, I don't have a toothbrush with me..." Rowan quirked an eyebrow, setting his water down on the bedside table.

"I have an extra in my gym bag."

My eyes followed him as he crouched down and unzipped it. Who just walked around with extra toothbrushes in their bags?

"For overnight tournaments." Rowan said as if he'd read my mind, handing me an unopened packaged toothbrush. My face reddened.

"Thanks," I looked down at it, the white part of the handle was lined with a light green. "I'll get you a new one."

"Don't bother," he gave a short laugh as he stood up, "they're only a few cents at the store on campus."

The sound of bass from beneath us rattled Rowan's furniture as the residents there started playing loud music. I crossed my legs on the bed to avoid feeling it buzz from the floor, still holding the shirt he'd given me.

"Sorry," Rowan muttered, walking to lower the dark blinds over his window. "Friday, you know."

I smiled. I didn't mind the noise. His room looked warm with the blinds down, and I resisted the urge to just fall back in his bed right then.

"You hungry?" Rowan asked me, and I pulled myself out of my daze.

"No, I'm good." He frowned slightly,

"You ate already?"

"Yeah, before your game." I lied, not wanting to tell him that my appetite vanished any time I got nervous. "If you're hungry though, you should get something." He shook his head,

"Nah, they've started having us drink this protein smoothie after games. It's not great, but I'm full." I scrunched up my face, "Let's hit the bathroom, brush our teeth." I looked around the room, there was no sink, no door leading to another room. Rowan watched me for a moment before smiling and nodding to the door. "It's this way."

"Right," I forced out, reminding myself that this wasn't an apartment, it was a dorm room and of course he didn't have his own private bathroom.

To say brushing my teeth with Rowan was awkward would be an understatement. Every few seconds a guy or two would enter the bathroom, congratulating him on his game or inviting him to a party. Rowan thankfully spared me any more introductions and tried to keep the interactions as short as possible.

We finally made it back to the room, and I changed my shirt when Rowan's back was turned, but regretted it almost immediately. It was at least one and a half sizes too large, and I knew I looked ridiculous. Rowan turned and I saw his eyes fall to my shirt, clearly holding back a smile.

He cleared his throat, "I'll find you some shorts too." I knew my face was all sorts of pink, and I busied myself with folding the shirt I'd taken off neatly, putting it on the floor beside my shoes.

"Thank you," I said as he handed me a pair of soft white shorts. He politely turned away and I changed into them, pulling the strings tight so they fit around my waist. When I was finished, I let myself fall back on the bed and Rowan turned back around.

"So," he started without meeting my eyes. "What do you know about Anderson?"

I blinked up at him for a split second, wondering if he was upset that I'd asked him about it, or irritated. His expression was hidden, didn't give anything away, so I told him the truth.

"I read the interview of his in the paper... he said you guys had a 'deal.'" Rowan smiled thinly and nodded, joining me on the bed. He sat with his back to the wall and glared forward, his palms resting on his knees.

"Right." He said, and his eyes were clearly swimming with thoughts, trying to pick which information I could afford to know. "Do you know who the Chief of Police is in this city?"

I blinked, wondering if he was changing the topic or if this was somehow related. I knew this... I usually did research on all of the local government members.

"Ah, it's Allen, something right?" Rowan nodded, his eyes meeting mine with seriousness.

"Yeah. Allen Anderson."

I narrowed my eyes at him, my mind spinning.

"Oh... so he's related to your coach then?" Rowan nodded, his palm leaving his knee as he crossed his arms.

"They're brothers."

"Okay..." I was nearing some familiar territory. Rowan had told me a few weeks back that there were things I couldn't know about, things he was involved with that were illegal.

"So, my dads kind of a massive fuck-up," he continued, his thumb rolling over the knuckles on the other hand. "You'd think he'd only get caught with possession charges, small shit like that." I nodded, saying nothing because that seemed like a personal matter, one he wouldn't tell anyone. "But he's been caught dealing and... a lot worse."

A lot worse...

"I try to not let him get mixed up in our lives anymore," Rowans eyes flickered towards his mothers painting on the wall, "but my mom gets devastated hearing about him, she won't eat for days if she hears he's relapsed, won't sleep if he's been arrested." Rowan hadn't looked away from the painting, and I noticed his knuckles whitening. "Not like he gives a shit."

"Oh..."

"And coach knows about that, he used to be friends with my dad..." Rowan paused a moment, finally glancing away from the painting to look at me, his eyes unreadable. "And Ray Warner..."

"Wait, he's involved in this too?" I felt myself frown, and Rowan placed a gentle hand on my knee.

"No, no. He just used to be buddies with my dad, and I should've told you a while ago." He sounded sorry, and his hand stayed.

"Oh, don't worry..." I said, remembering my shock at finding out his dad and Ray Warner had been facebook friends. "You didn't need to."

I lowered my gaze to his hand, and found two of my fingers wrapping around his thumb, something about that moment I knew I needed the contact. Rowan paused for a moment, turning his hand so that he could hold mine in return before continuing.

"So Anderson finds me after a high school game, tells me I should come to Creighton. Bribes me with this and that, finally he tells me he'll help my dad get to rehab if I join the team. I say no, we'd tried to send him before he never went for more than a week." Rowan ran his other hand through his hair. "He said he had a trick, with his brother as the Chief, he knew a way." Rowan shook his head, "so I said fuck it, I'll go to Creighton if it means my dad gets some real fuckin' help."

"Where did you want to go first?" I asked quietly, I'd always thought he'd been happy to stay in his hometown.

"I got a full ride to Duke for basketball. My mom would've come too."

"So you're not a big fan of Omaha?" Rowan shook his head,

"I hate it. Fuck Nebraska."

If we were talking under any other circumstances, I would've laughed. I would've listed to him everything I hated about Nebraska too.

"So did your dad get help?" My voice was hopeful, but Rowan just snorted bitterly.

"Nah. Anderson hasn't tried doing shit to help him get into rehab. He just has his brother get rid of his charges anytime he gets arrested and sends him back out to the street."

"Wait, so why are you still at Creighton? Didn't he lie?" Rowan nodded, leaning his head back against the wall.

"Because my dad has racked up some pretty heavy charges." I spared a glance at him, wondering what kind he was talking about. "Charges they're not gonna drop unless I play the rest of college, not missing any games or playing below average." Rowan took a breath, his fingers intertwined with mine. "To be honest I don't give a fuck if he goes to jail. Could be good for him, a way to get sober." He paused again. "But then they'll just find someone else to use against me, plant shit on." His hand tightened, "all because he wants to win a stupid fucking title."

It was a lot, and I felt my mind trying to reach for solutions on his behalf, find a way to help. But it came up empty.

We stayed silent a while, and I kept a hold of Rowan's hand. I wondered if it helped calm him at all like it did me. After a few minutes, he moved to lie on his side, resting his head on his other palm as he faced me.

I didn't know what to make of that.

"You know what, fuck Anderson. I'll go right now and slash his tires, where'd he park?" I asked, finally facing Rowan. His face broke out in a smile and he laughed, his hand giving mine a squeeze.

"That'll show him," he finally said, still smiling. I laid on my back against his pillows and found myself closer than I'd been before.

"I'm serious. His car and his brother's car... his brothers might be harder to access though... seeing as he's the Chief."

"Hey, at least you're brainstorming."

"Wait, wait I have a good one." I rolled my head to face him, his expression was much lighter than it'd been before. "I'll put gummy bears on his windshield on a hot day and they'll melt. It's almost impossible to get off."

"It's winter."

"Shit. Well, I'll think of something."

"You know," Rowan separated our hands. His voice was lower, less controlled. "You're making this really hard for me."

I couldn't look away, my heart beating so loudly that Shea would have probably heard it from down the hall. I propped myself up on my elbows, but he didn't move back and our faces only got closer. The bass from the room below was joined by the sound of blood pounding in my ears.

"What do you mean?" My voice was quiet.

"Hmm." Rowan's eyes searched my face, the corners of his lips turning up in a small smile. "I think you know what I mean."

I opened my mouth, but no words came out. I only stared at him more, and his smile grew by a fraction.

"But, if you don't ..." I felt Rowan's fingers at the bottom of my shirt, twisting the fabric lightly in his fingers and occasionally grazing my skin, sending tingles through my body. "I mean it's tough keeping myself from kissing you right now."

Rowan's fingers met my skin, lightly brushing over where my ribs had healed weeks earlier. His touch was soft, it was slowly replacing a memory filled with pain and fear with a new one- a better one.

"Is this okay?" He asked, his voice low. I nodded, feeling dizzy from his touch.

"Yeah..." his hand moved farther under my shirt, across my waist, to my chest, and I felt my eyelids drop a fraction at his touch. My gaze moved to his lips, remembering how they'd felt against mine. "You can, if you want..." I heard myself say, and wondered where I'd gotten the courage to speak.

Rowan's eyes dashed between mine, his thumb grazing my side.

"I can, what?" I blinked at him, appreciating the way the glow of his lights reflected in his eyes.

"You can..." I cleared my throat and glanced at a spot behind him on the ceiling, finding it easier to speak when I wasn't focused on his eyes. "You can kiss me. If you feel like it."

"We'll that depends," his grip loosened a bit and my skin felt cold on the parts his hand was no longer touching, "on whether you want to."

Whether I want to?

I felt myself move closer to him and lean into his touch. It was warm, comforting, exciting.

Of course I want to.

Neither of us were thinking clearly. If I was, I would've been wondering whether he'd think of it as a mistake again. Whether I'd spend more time avoiding him, feeling rejected, alone.

But it was hard to think when he was so close. I realized I hadn't yet given him an answer, instead staring at his lips with my thoughts on his touch.

"Okay." I nodded.

That's not really an answer.

My neck was aching slightly from looking up at Rowan, and maybe he could read my thoughts, because before I knew it his hand was behind my head tangled in my hair, pulling me closer.

***

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