he first thing I see through the blur of bodies is Max. His face is contorted, lined with anger and what looks like hurt, but it doesn't last long. In one quick second, he's stepping toward Ax.

"It's not what you think," I say. "I was so nervous that I drank another beer, and then I threw up." I scrunch up my nose and add, "I actually hate beer. I knew drinking it was a bad idea, but I did it anyway. Ax saw me running for the bathroom and kind of jumped in and held my hair back." I'm aware that I'm rambling, but for once, I don't care – I'll ramble until I'm out of breath if it prevents a fistfight right now.

Besides, everything I've said is true. As soon as Max left, I got so panicked that Ax offered me another beer to calm my nerves. I stupidly took it despite knowing beer and Alyssa don't mix, and when I rushed to find a bathroom, Ax, half disgusted, ran in after me.

Max is silent for a good three seconds. He grabs my hand, says goodbye to Ax, and then the two of us push our way through the crowd and back to his car, where we climb in silently. For a few minutes, he just sits, jaw hard, with his fingers clenched around the steering wheel. I still feel nauseous, regretting going for that second beer, but it's about all I could do not to panic. With Max running off after Kino and leaving me like that, I'd never felt more nervous.

"What did you think I thought?" he asks.

Confused, I say, "What?"

"Earlier," he says, not looking at me. "You said it's not what you think. What did you think I thought?"

I don't answer right away. A part of me feels like this is a test or a trick question, the kind Justin would set me up for. "That Ax and I... you know...did something in there."

There's a brief silence, and I imagine Justin sitting there in his place, doubting my every word. He'd accuse me of cheating in a heartbeat, of all sorts of things, and in a way, I wouldn't blame Max if he did, too. I know what it looked like coming out of that bathroom. I know what I'd think if it were the other way around. Nervous, I add, "Do you believe me?"

He frowns and looks over. His eyes seem different, darker, somehow, consumed by turmoil. "Isn't that kind of how trust works?"

For some reason, it hadn't occurred to me that he trusts me. Maybe I'm so used to not being trusted, to having my motives questioned, that I've forgotten that for most–for better or worse–trust is the default setting.

"Right," I say, and there's this sense of relief that settles through me. "How did it go with Kino? I'm guessing not good."

"No," he says quietly, his fingers tightening on the wheel, "not good."

Sighing, I reach over and rest my hand over his. "I'm sorry. I feel like this is all my fault."

He turns to me now, dropping his hands from the steering wheel in order to face me properly. "It's not your fault, it's mine. I shouldn't have lied to him. I should have been upfront. That's what he's really mad about – I lied to him."

"What happens now?"

He shrugs, but I can see in his expression that he's cut up about this, and a part of me wonders if he's having doubts. "I guess the only thing I can do is give him time. Hope he comes around."

My relief is back as he turns to the wheel and starts the engine. With my home life getting worse, having this thing with Max ruined would be too much to deal with. He pulls onto the main road and starts down the street, turning up his music. We're silent all the way to my house, lost in our thoughts, but as soon as he pulls up outside, he kills the engine and takes my hand again.

"Drama and puke aside," he says, "did you have a good night?"

I laugh. "Yeah, I did." The hallway light flickers on, and I watch as a shadow crosses the frosted glass. My heart does this quick little pulsate – only lord knows why my parents are waiting up for me – but I refuse to let it ruin the perfect night. I turn to Max properly, lean in, and kiss him on the cheek.

"I'd kiss you goodnight properly," I say, "but...you know, puke and all." He laughs a little, something I haven't heard since he came back from his talk with Kino, and it settles my nerves. "I'll see you tomorrow." I turn to open the door, but he pulls me back again, wrapping his arms around me before he buries his face in my neck.

I settle into him, taken aback by his sudden vulnerability. It's clear that he needs this, clear that whatever happened with Kino is playing heavily on his mind, and I wrap my arms around him back. I don't know how long we stay like this, but when I finally head inside, both of my parents are asleep.

***

or the next few days, Kino ignores me at school. I don't exactly blame him, I'm as much a part of this lie as Max was, but it still hurts to know that he's mad at me. I keep trying to make eye contact, to mouth the word sorry when he finally looks over, but then his gaze is off me again as though I'm not here.

Marnie and Allie are at my locker as usual. It used to be that the sight of them empowered me, like knowing I had all of these friends and I was the most popular of all made me safe. But now when I look at them, I see past their designer clothes and popularity. Past their beauty and elaborate parties: I see them.

Shoulders back, I head to my locker and put my things inside. While a part of me wants to scream at the pair to leave me alone, I'm not ready to make life worse for myself. It's bad enough my home life is on the verge of falling apart, but I can't face the wrath of Marnie. Instead, my plan is to ride this out until high school is over, and then I can leave them in the past.

"How's your new boyfriend?" I ask Marnie once I've closed my locker. The pair of them have been preoccupied lately. Marnie's got another new college boyfriend, which means she's been skipping a lot to sneak over to his dorm, and without Marnie around, Allie has been awol, too.

"Ah-may-zing," she says. "He's so romantic. Look what he got me." She holds out her wrist to show me her expensive gold bracelet. "Not for any reason, either, but just because. Isn't that sweet?"

"So sweet," I say.

"How's your love life?" Marnie asks. "Jesse was totally interested in asking you out when I talked to him last weekend, but I heard Justin has been going around threatening anyone who so much as looks in your direction."

Stunned, I say, "What?" I don't know which part is worse, that Marnie is going around trying to set me up or that Justin is trying to prevent it. As usual, my fate is not in my own hands, but someone else's.

It's why, when school finishes and I see Justin in his car, I decide I'm not going to be afraid anymore. I'm going to take back control. I straighten my shoulders and storm toward him, briefly glancing at Max's truck. It seems despite their fight, Max is still on carpool duty, so Kino is in the process of angrily staring at me through the window while Max pulls out of the parking space. He looks at me briefly, the corner of his lip lifting as though he wants to smile but doesn't want Kino to see, and then he drives off.

I carry on to Justin, who doesn't notice me until I'm yanking his door open and sliding into the passenger seat. I slam the door behind me, something I know will irk him to no end, and turn to face him.

"Are you insane?" he asks. "You're going to damage the door."

Heart thumping, I say, "I don't care. If you don't stop what you're doing, I'm going to file a restraining order."

He raises an eyebrow, clearly amused, and says, "What am I doing?"

"Threatening people for wanting to ask me out," I say. "Involving yourself in my business. We're done, Justin. I don't know how much clearer I can be."

He sighs and puts his phone away before turning to face me. "When are you going to get over this?"

"Over what?"

He sighs and takes my hand, pulling me toward him. My heart pulsates as I remember the last time he touched me. "This whole thing. Look, you've made your point. I get it. Can you relax now?"

"No. Let go of me."

His fingers clench harder, but as I glance around, no one seems to notice. I will myself to be as brave as Maddie, to punch him right here in the parking lot, but my body stays frozen in place.

"You don't want to keep acting like a bitch to me," he says. "Trust me," and then without a word, he reaches over me, still clenching my arm, and opens the passenger door. He pushes me out, so I stumble to my feet and head to my own car, my chest tight with anger. I'd hoped the threat of a restraining order would scare him a little, but clearly, I've forgotten who I'm dealing with. People with money aren't afraid of the law, and Justin is unhinged enough that he's never going to stop with these games.

As soon as I get to the gym that evening, I storm over to the punching bag, not saying anything to Maddie, and slip on the gloves. I hadn't known what I was fighting for the last time Maddie asked me, or what I wanted from this, but now I do. I'm fighting for me. I'm fighting so that the next time Justin grabs me like that, I'll be ready to hit back.