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intrusive thoughts! oh, and also a breakup.

ITALICS: a flashback, memories

:

NORMAL: counter thoughts

"love you," timothée told her before he drifted off to bed that night.

"night," she replied.

and though she fell asleep quickly, haley couldn't help waking up in the middle of the night. it had been happening for days, and somehow, the silence of darkness had become the scheduled meeting place of her intrusive thoughts.

now, haley read a book that called those thoughts 'invasives', and from then on made a point to call them that every time. she hated them with a passion because they always caused her to be at war with herself.

that night was no exception. she woke up in the early morning, and turned to her side to see timothée lying there, his messy curls artfully strewn across his forehead and a calm look of peace settled on his face.

i know i don't but i'm glad to have him love me :)

he does, he said so before bed.

yeah, so?

...

you're just my thoughts you're just my thoughts you don't exist you're not real this is all a lie you're all just intrusives please leave

... why?

never in a million years because timothee and alex are VERY different people.

this is different. i have a good feeling about this.

no, but--

BUT HE LOVES ME OH GOD PLEASE SHUT UP

JUST GO AWAY I HATE YOU I HATE

NO! WHY?

WHY WOULD I? WANT? TO? LEAVE????

THATS NOT EVEN GONNA HAPPEN STOP WE'LL CROSS THAT BRIDGE WHEN WE GET THERE

GIVE ME ONE GOOD REASON WHY

ABOUT WHAT???

SO?? EVERYONE LIES SOMETIMES

TIMOTHEE WOULD NEVER

NO!

I HATE YOU

logic told her it was wrong, and she knew it. but she chose to get up quietly and try, anyways. haley tiptoed out of bed as slowly as she could as to not wake her bedmate and snuck out the door. she made her way to her room which contained all her clothes and belongings like her phone and luggage.

then, after taking in the neat stacks of clothes she unpacked onto the bed a couple weeks prior, she too each of them one by one and began dumping them into her suitcases. she didn't hide all of them because she was having second thoughts.

why the hell am i doing this again?

i don't want to!

instead, haley shoved her whole suitcase under the bed, half filled with clothes, to stop herself from making any other rash decisions.

NO!!

"HE LOVES ME!" haley screamed, a couple tears slipping out her eyes.

a few seconds later, the door opened slowly.

"haley?" it was timothée, looking concerned. "you okay? what's the matter?"

she shook her head. haley wasn't about to tell him that she was thinking about just breaking up out of nowhere, that would be insane.

"intrusive thoughts suck ass." was her only answer.

"they do," he agreed. sitting on her bed. he noticed the significantly smaller stack of clothes on her bed. "do you have to be anywhere?"

"i just didn't like that the bed was so full of my stuff so i hid them in my suitcase again." she lied.

"you're crying." timothée observed.

"how could you tell?" she shot back snarkily. then: "sorry for being such a bitch."

"wanna talk about it?" he asked.

"not really."

"sing about it?"

"hell no."

"write about it?"

now that sounded like a plan.

"might take a while though." haley told him.

"you don't have to finish it now."

she sighed and looked at her surroundings before leaning over and resting her cheek on his shoulder. timothée wrapped his arms around her, leaning in too.

"i'm here for you, 'kay? you can tell me anything." he pulled away, searching in her eyes.

"and i can't thank you enough." she said. he nodded and flashed a small smile, then left her to give her a bit of space.

haley broke down crying.

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"see you later," timothée said, kissing her cheek. "and happy five-month anniversary," he added with a smile before leaving. he had another appointment with the tom ford store, planning his cannes film festival outfit.

"bye." haley mustered a grin, which immediately dropped once the door clicked shut.

WHAT?! NO!

STOP SHUT UP I'M HAPPY WITH HIM STOP IT

timothée walked as fast as he could back to his apartment. in his hands was a small bundle; sienna, the dog he and haley chose to adopt from a shelter just a week prior. she knew sienna was the one immediately, even after they went to about five more shelters afterwards. once he knew her decision was final, he bought sienna from the shelter that 20th of may and hid her at his mom's apartment.

timothée meant to gift haley the dog for their five month anniversary, which was why he was even more excited to surprise her when he went home an hour earlier than he should've. he knew things were moving pretty fast between them even though they had been together for less than half a year, but he really did love her a lot. he could see himself staying with her for a long time.

maybe for the rest of his life.

"haley, where are you?" he shouted, upon entering his apartment. "i got a surprise!"

he set sienna down on the floor, releasing her from the bundle she was being held in. "your mama's around here somewhere..." he told the dog as he searched the rooms. "HALEY??"

he opened the door to his room, but she wasn't there. he headed to hers, expecting to find it empty as well. maybe she went out last minute?

but her room was empty, too.

like, it was literally empty; all her bags, suitcases and clothes were gone.

timothée shouted out for her again, but no response. he tried calling her phone and got no response either. he decided to book her uber and check her apartment. maybe some last minute thing popped up in los angeles an she had to go soon, he thought.

as he made his way towards the entrance of her apartment, he was halted in his steps by her doorman, ricardo.

"is she in there?" he asked quickly.

the man nodded, then: "you can't go in, sir."

"i'm on her list of approved people," he began, as ricardo shook his head.

"not anymore, sir."

"i wasn't aware of this." timothée was growing angry.

"i apologize sir, but i received the instructions only minutes ago, sir."

that didn't make sense.

"you have to let me see her!" he implored. "please." he added, voice cracking.

ricardo pitied him, he really did. he could see the way the couple looked at each other whenever they'd pass him. he knew it wasn't his place to intervene, but he wanted the two to at least sort things out, so he conceded.

"fine." he swung the doors open. "but i might lose my job, so be quick."

"you're the best, man," timothée exclaimed, patting him on the back and running to catch the elevator.

"HALEY!" he shouted, pounding his fist on the door. he wasn't mad; he just wanted to be heard. from under the door, he could see a shadow move by the open light. "i know you're in there haley, can we please talk?" he begged.

the door cracked open. "god, oh god, are you alright?" he asked her worriedly, pushing in through the space and heading inside.

"you weren't supposed to be let in!" she protested.

"why'd you leave?" he asked, confused instead of angry.

, she thought, then paused. you can still stop. you don't have to do this to yourself, she told herself.

"i can't do this anymore." she blurted out.

"i... what?" he was more confused than ever. "are we taking things too fast? we can take a little break, slow down," he rambled, gesturing vaguely around himself.

haley let out a long, slow exhale. "no."

"wait, so that's it?" timothée asked. his heart felt like it was gonna jump out of his throat, and an unsettling feeling popped up in his stomach. "no, no, no, you CAN'T be serious right now."

he was pacing the apartment now in agitation, hands twisted up into his mess of curls. "you're joking."

"i'm sorry," she said helplessly.

"what did i do wrong?" he pleaded. "i need to know!"

you aren't the problem, she thought. it's me.

"nothing, i just can't!" she said, raising her voice slightly to match his.

"so that's it?" he repeated, yelling now. "you don't even have a reason!" he let out a shaky breath to calm himself down.

"please haley, why're you doing this?"

to an onlooker, the scene would look like a somewhat vague rendition of laurie proposing to jo in little women (2019). timothée had the exact same desperation, was pacing the same way, and was yelling in the exact same manner as his character, the difference was just that this time, he wasn't acting.

"i don't know!" she exclaimed.

"then why are you doing this to yourself? to us?" he asked desperately. "you can't just say that you're gonna break up with me when you don't even know why!"

there was no way in hell she would tell him the real reason, so she shook her head.

"I NEED ONE!" he yelled, his voice raw.

she thought. I HAVE NOTHING TO SAY I'M JUST LISTENING TO YOU I SHOULD JUST SAY SORRY OH GOD I'LL REGRET THIS NO I DON'T

"NO!" she let out an agonizing scream as the quick conversation in her head flashed by her in a split second.

"haley, please," he said, making his way towards to her.

"I NEED YOU TO LEAVE."

"I NEED A REASON!" he shouted back.

"YOU WANT A REASON? YOU REALLY DO? WELL, I HATE YOU!" haley screamed, her shoulders wracking from all the force she used to yell.

that felt like a blow, a strike right in the face to timothée. "no you don't," he said, trembling.

"I DO, I HATE YOU AND I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN." she shouted again, turning away.

no, no, no, no, he thought. she doesn't hate me.

"haley, please be reasonable," timothée begged, tearing up. "i know you don't mean that." he said, going towards her. she walked around away from him, but he followed, trying to grab her by the shoulder to look her in the eye. she shook his hand off, but he managed to corner her.

"haley." he said, trying his hardest to keep his voice steady, trying to catch her eye. "listen," he began quickly, putting his hands on both her shoulders. "i don't know why you're doing this, but you know what i do know?"

he took a breath. "i know i love you. and we've been together for less than half a year, and i know it's crazy, and i know you're scared to hear those three words and i don't mind a bit if you don't wanna say them back but— i can see it in your eyes. and i know you feel the same. and we don't have to rush, and we can take things slower, even, if you want to, but i cannot, i cannot," timothée repeated, "lose you. you understand?"

he was grasping at straws at this point, trying to do everything to keep her. they almost would have worked too, but her thoughts said otherwise.

NO I DON'T I LOVE HIM

"i don't want to see you again." she said quietly.

timothée was speechless. then he got mad. really mad. "tell me to." his voice was deadly soft.

and she couldn't bear to, but everything in her was saying and so she did.

"i hate you!" she screamed, pushing him backwards. "leave, do not talk to me, do not message me, do not call me, i never want to hear from you again!" haley shouted.

"YOU STILL HAVEN'T GIVEN ME A REASON!" he yelled.

"I HATE YOU!" she shouted back. no, it wasn't a reason, and he knew that.

"fine, i'll leave!" he said, heatedly. the two of them were in her kitchen now, and in his anger, her grabbed a plate from the table and threw it on the floor for emphasis. "i hope you're happy," he spat.

"you know as well as i do that you don't wanna do this. i don't know what's making you, but right now i think that you're a fucking coward." he added, as he swung out the door.

and those words caused her to break down, sinking to the floor against the door.

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fuck, fuck, fuck, timothée thought. he blinked back tears as he walked briskly through the streets of new york, nothing in his mind other than the argument he just had with his girlfriend. well, ex-girlfriend now, he supposed.

"SHIT!" he bellowed, once he was alone in his apartment. he swept a bunch of backpacks and papers off the table, then heard a whimper. shit. sienna was still there.

"sienna?" he called. "girlie?" he lifted the mess he just made and found her cowering under a pile of documents.

"i'm so sorry," he whispered, the tears finally spilling out. "oh god, i'm so sorry. mama couldn't make it home today." he told the dog. "it's you and me now."

merry christmas!

++ edited on 01/6/22 bc i got the timeline wrong,,it's supposed to be 2021 not 2020. my mistake!

I MISS YOU, I'M SORRY