I roll over again for what seems like the millionth time. I barely got any sleep last night. I fell asleep crying, woke up crying, hell I even had a dream that I was crying.

I didn't even know I contained so many tears in my body, but I cried my eyes out and now my head is killing me.

I roll onto my back and bury my hands over my puffy eyes. I swallow the lump in my throat, refusing to cry anymore.

I'm stronger than this.

I didn't even cry this much when I found out about Carmen cheating on me.

I grab my phone and squint at the brightness as I dismiss another text from Ashley. I really can't talk to her right now. As much as I need her to hold me and kiss all this pain away, I'm not the one she's supposed to be showing that affection towards.

Hell, who am I kidding? I am hers…she's just not mine.

I look at the time and it's almost six in the morning, I groan as I swing my legs over the side and lean my elbows on my knees, burying my face in my hands.

I hear a soft knock on my door and whoever it is doesn't bother to wait for an answer.

Only Madison would do that and I'm not surprised when I hear her New York accent fill my ears.

I'm grateful for the smile that she makes appear when she asks if my ass is up.

"If I wasn't, I am now." I answer with a raspy voice.

Being friends with Madison for the past year, she's become accustomed to my different voices. My morning voice, my whiney voice, my trying to be tough but I ain't fooling anyone voice, and my voice post cry fest.

I sigh as she sits next to me and links her hands with mine. I look at her sadly and she pulls me into a hug.

I tried not to but it happened anyway. She rubs circles on my back as I cry some more.

She pulls away from me and gives me her infamous 'start talking' stare. I bite my bottom lip nervously hoping that will deter her from getting me to divulge last night's events.

It doesn't.

"You wanna tell me why you suddenly became a mute last night?"

"Do I have to?"

"Why you asking stupid questions?"

I groan and my tired voice fills the air and I tell Madison about my conversation with Stacy, then my conversation with Lexy which she gave unnecessary commentary on.

It helped my mood though.

Then finally about my breakup with Ashley.

I snort at the word breakup.

How do you break up with someone that's not even yours?

We weren't even in a real relationship.

At least not really.

It felt real though.

Every second of it. Every touch, kiss, smile, look. It all felt…feels so real.

The pain that comes with it definitely is unbearably real.

I release a heavy sigh wiping away a tear that made its way to my chin.

"You done?" I look at my best friend with knitted brows then roll my eyes nodding. "You did the right thing. I know that's not what you wanted to hear but the circumstance was shitty and but if it's as special as you say it is it shouldn't be done in secret."

My heart hurts.

This isn't helping, as encouraging as her words are they aren't doing anything for the pain.

"I love her."

"I know you do and she loves you but she needs to love you the right way and running around to secret apartments and secret gardens. That's not enough, you deserve so much more than that Spence. You of all people."

"How can you make me seem like the victim when Lexy…"

"Lexy is oblivious as shit if she can't see that her girlfriend is obviously in love with someone else. She deserves to have her girlfriend stolen."

I smirk. "That's not nice."

"I know but it's true. I'm just saying chick as dumb as…" She rolls her eyes at my stern look. "Fine but she's an idiot. I'm going to go wake up Aiden, our flights in a few hours and he's always a pain in the ass to wake up and your ass better not fall back asleep. You're our ride and I need to get the hell outta here. As great as it was too see you, I like New York Spencer better."

"There's only one me Madison."

"Debatable."

I chuckle as she groans dramatically and walks towards the door. As she opens it she shrieks a little grabbing her chest. I shake my head as I see my mother awkwardly trying to look casual in the hallway.

Really how can you be casual in a hallway?

She circles a bit and paces back and forth before she settles on one direction and walks that way. Madison points a thumb in my mother's direction with raised brows.

I just raise my hands up surrendering any admittance to knowing the woman. My best friend laughs as she exits my room and I get up to get ready. As I'm getting dressed someone knocks on my door again.

"Madison go away, I'm up."

"It's mom." She tells me as she opens the door a crack, popping her head in.

What's the point in people knocking if they are going to just come in anyway?

I wave my mother inside and she enters closing the door and leaning on it.

I lean against my dresser my clothes in my hand as I pick out what I'm going to wear. Like it matters I'll probably end up here later today doing exactly what I've been doing.

Crying pathetically over a girl who isn't even mine to cry over.

I must remember the not mine part.

It's not working, but hopefully I'll drive myself crazy enough to believe it.

"I couldn't help but overhear." My mom starts and I snort.

That's always code for 'I was camped outside your door listening.'

"You sure about that mom?" I ask with a bit of an attitude. I don't mean it, not entirely at least but I'm sad, tired, and cranky, my pseudo girlfriend and I are no longer together, my best friend doesn't know I'm in love with her girlfriend, and my other best friend is leaving me today. So forgive me if the image of my mother with her ear pressed against my door doesn't make me want to do cartwheels.

"Spencer I'm sorry about you and Ashley, I can tell you two really cared for each. It's just sometimes things work out for the best though."

I grunt an acknowledgment.

Best for whom?

Nothing's working out best for me in this situation.

Ugh…listen to me. I'm that gross annoying pessimistic person that no one wants to talk to cause all they do is talk about themselves and how much their life sucks.

Good grief.

"If you and Ashley are meant to be together I'm sure it'll work out."

"Are you? Like how sure? Give me a ballpark figure mom, because right now I'm in the negatives and things aren't looking too bright and sunny from my point of view. I just need her and I can't have her. I shouldn't want her, but that's all that matters to me right now, her and I together and that's the shitty part you know? Excuse my language. We won't ever be together and I knew that. I knew that the moment Lexy introduced Ashley as her girlfriend and I've just gotta deal with it. So I appreciate your pep talk mom but it's not nearly peppy enough." I look at my mother with a sad smile and she holds her arms out towards me.

I blame my depressed state because I cave in and go into my mother's arms.

Hmmm feels kinda nice actually.

"Young love is always the worst. It's always so much more complicated than it has to be. The answers are always simple but it's the actions that are difficult."

My mother, Yoda, ladies and gentlemen.

"How about I make you some pancakes?"

"With chocolate chips?" I ask with a full on pout because I mean hello? Chocolate chip pancakes? They are sure to make any crappy day better. She nods and gives me one final bear hug. I let her get away with it because I hardly ever give them and she leaves me alone in my room to finish getting ready.

I walk into my bathroom and look at the spot where I sat on the floor crying last night. I swallow the lump in my throat as I fight the threat of new tears.

No.

I won't go back to that again.

I'm stronger than this.

–

"Aiden stop pouting!"

"But I don't want to leave." He answers his girlfriend with an exaggerated pout.

"Then I'll leave your ass here I don't care."

"But LA is so cool."

"I'll revoke your New Yorker license for talking crazy."

"Think of what we'll be leaving though babe."

I laugh at the couple because honestly they're the greatest. Ugh I still have to wait almost two months before I can see them again.

"Aw Aiden I'll miss you too." I hold open my arms for him to hug.

"Oh yeah right, and Spencer's here too." He gives a quick glance to the floor before giving me a tight smile and wrapping me into his arms.

I slap him hard on the back. He winces.

"Jerk you weren't sad about leaving me."

He chuckles and gives me a skeptical look. "Of course I was."

I shake my head at him as we walk further into the terminal. My father was nice enough to let me take his car, catching a ride with my mom to work. I've got great parents, they just click so well.

I smirk to myself as I think about my mom and when she told me how she stole my dad from her best friend.

Maybe steal is too strong of a word.

Gravitated maybe?

Like how can you help the attraction you have towards someone, especially when it's so strong?

My parents couldn't and I'm sure my mother felt bad but really when it's love do you get a right to be selfish.

When it's this real does the fact that someone you really care about gets hurt not matter?

They got through it, they're extremely happy.

What are the chances for me?

"So why don't you just hop on the plane with us?" Madison asks with a large grin.

"Tempting."

Seriously is. It'll be easier to stay away from Ashley all the way in New York.

But running won't fix anything.

"So you're gonna come?" Aiden asks with an even larger smile.

I glare at him. "Like you want me around ass."

He chuckles then tries to pull me into an embrace.

Okay I'm at my hugging quota for the day.

I walk with them to the counter as they check in and I'm getting sadder with every step. I really hate that they're leaving.

I know I'm going to see them soon but they would be a really good distraction.

Now who am I going to hang out with?

Glen?

I don't think so.

And Clay is always so busy with school or Chelsea.

They get their tickets and I'm trying my best not to pout.

It's not working but Madison is a little bit more sympathetic towards me than she was with Aiden. Only a little though.

"Don't go shedding tears missy I'll see you soon."

I just nod not trusting my voice cause I really do want to cry. I'm too emotional I need to get a grip.

They walk towards the security line and I feel like running after them. They turn to give me a final wave goodbye. I furrow my brows as I notice Madison's face.

She looks like she's about to murder me.

I look at her confused and I get more nervous as Aiden holds her back and motions towards the officers at the head of security.

What the hell is happening?

"Fancy seeing you here."

Oooooh. Now I get it.

I drop my head in defeat as I turn around with a sigh.

"Carmen, hi."

Ugh I really wanted to say something clever and insulting but I'm not in the mood.

She's even surprised as her brows raise a little at my greeting. I take a quick glance over my shoulder and I see Madison walking through the security line backwards. I love how protective she is.

"Hey, I'm not stalking you or anything I swear."

Oh right, Carmen's here. I look back at her and nod slowly.

"Technically you are since you flew all the way over here and found me by looking in the phonebook. "

I didn't even know they still made phonebooks.

I'm surprised they still make paper with how technologically dependent everyone is.

Carmen speaks and good thing she does because otherwise I would have forgotten she was still here.

"Yeah well after last night I kind of got the hint." She adjusts her messenger bag on her shoulder and lets out a nervous laugh. She clears her throat and she looks like she's going to say something. "So…you and Ashley huh?"

I furrow my brows and my mouth drops open. She waves a hand to wave off my freak out of her possibly knowing.

"I saw the way she was looking at me when she and her girlfriend, I'm assuming with the way they were cozied up, came over last night."

"She just knows our situation Madison looks at you the same way all the time."

Carmen smirks and if I've never seen Ashley smirk it probably would've made my knees weak. I watch as she shakes her head no.

"No Madison glares at me like a best friend Ashley…Ashley glares at me like a lover."

I glare at her like I want to murder her and she chuckles a little.

"Yup a little of that look mixed with a lot of hate and envy. It's not too fun to be looked at that way. I hope you never get to experience it."

"Don't judge me!" I half shout and she gently places a hand on my arm. I shrug it off.

"I'm not judging you Spence. I know that things don't always work out the way we'd like but that doesn't mean that we shouldn't try. I tried to get you back and I accepted that my chances are shot to hell now, but I still tried. I'll see you around Spence, maybe we can grab a coffee or something when you get back. You know…as friends?"

I sigh gently shaking my head. It's not good to have so much hate in your heart and I do forgive her and I'll never forget but doesn't mean that I shouldn't move on.

"Yeah maybe…don't hold your breath though."

She smiles softly and places a gentle kiss to my cheek. It catches me off guard and she walks past me. I swear I hear Madison shout something.

I turn around and see my best friend trying to come back through security. Aiden quickly detains her before the police do.

She's crazy.

I watch as Carmen walks away then turns around to look at me.

"Not for nothing Spence she's crazy if she doesn't pick you."

I look down for a minute to hide my smile. When I look up she's still standing there looking at me.

"Go before you miss your flight."

She makes a nervous face.

"I think I'm on the same flight as Madison. It was the first one out. So you probably won't ever see me again."

I shrug. "Probably."

She laughs and nods in agreement, she waves and walks away.

This is turning out to be an excruciatingly emotional morning.

–

I glance down at my phone and see it's a call from Ashley. I sigh. I haven't answered a single call from her all day. I don't feel like I should.

Ashley has that way about her... you know what I'm talking about. She can't get whatever she wants at anytime.

I groan as I answer the phone.

"Yes Ashley?"

She sounds surprised that I answered the phone.

"Oh my God, Spence. I..." She pauses and sighs, then I hear a bunch of noise in the background. Is that Lexy's voice I hear? I so can't do this.

"Ashley I'm gonna go."

"No wait." She stops me. "I'm so sorry I'm about last night Spence. I swear that I'm gonna do it. I just need time. I need to-"

"It's not about you anymore Ashley! I've given you enough time to do this. It's been going on way too long now. I just can't do it anymore." I sigh and drop my head in my hands as I ready myself to say the next part. "I don't think we should see each other anymore while I'm here." Her voice hitches and but she doesn't say anything so I continue. "I just... I think it's what's best. I guess it's good anyways you know... Lexy never has to know and we'll-"

"No!" She shouts surprising me. "No." She says again, this time softly. "I will not do that Spence. I won't-"

"I can't do this anymore Ashley. I'm sorry. I gotta go." I tell her. I don't wait for her to reply as I hang up the phone with a sigh. I can't believe I just did that.

I don't head back home. I have nothing to do there. I drive around aimlessly and I think of how alone I feel right now. My phone buzzes again and I dismiss the call dropping it into the passenger seat.

Not sure which of them it was. It's either Ashley or Lexy.

I've stopped looking at this point.

I can't talk to either of them right now, and I don't know when I'll be able to.

I've never wanted school to start so badly before.

There's no reason why I can't head back to New York, but I know Paula will not be too pleased with my attempt of leaving a month and a half early especially since I didn't even come home for the holidays.

I pull up to the house and smile softly as I look over to the gate.

It feels like a lifetime ago since we climbed over it.

I sigh and get out of the car. I'm not really sure why I'm at Mrs. Williams' house. I shouldn't expect that she's home just because she's an elderly, doesn't mean she doesn't have a life. I get to the door and ring the bell anyway.

It isn't long before she answers the door and she looks surprised but happy to see me.

"Come in, come in dear. What a lovely surprise."

I give her a hug and she pats my back.

"I hope I'm not intruding." I offer politely and she waves a hand.

"Nonsense you're never intruding. All alone today?"

You have no idea.

"I get you all to myself this time." I offer with a smile and she laughs as we make our way towards the kitchen.

She points a finger at me and motions for me to sit down. I do as I'm told and take a spot at the counter. She pulls a pitcher out of the fridge and giggle as I see her wave it in the air.

Iced tea.

It's nice to have a place to be easy for a minute. She's not expecting anything of me and vice versa.

"So to what do I owe the pleasure?" She asks as she pours me a glass and hands it over.

I take a sip before answering with a shrug. "I just wanted to see a friendly face."

"I'm sure you've got plenty of unwrinkled friendly faces to visit. So how about you tell me what's really going on?"

Old people are so wise.

"Do I have to?" I ask not really wanting to but needing to.

She shakes her head no and before she can utter a word the house phone rings. She excuses herself as she shuffles to go answer it.

I take this time to get up and walk to my favorite place.

I take a deep breath as I walk outside and up the familiar path leading towards our garden.

I see her everywhere. I see our kiss, I feel her touches, and her lingering gazes.

I take the spot on the bench she sat on as she played me one of the songs she wrote for me and my heart swells at the memory, then quickly breaks at the thought of it being only that. A memory.

"You know my husband built this little garden for us." Mrs. Williams says and her voice startles me a little. She continues. "He thought it would be a nice addition to have a place that didn't feel like the city also a place that always remained ours, like a capsule of sorts and I think he did a great job."

I smile. "He sure did." I look around and clench my jaw as a new set of emotions come over me.

Don't cry.

Don't you fucking cry.

I hold my hand to my eyes to prevent tears from shedding I don't want Mrs. Williams to see me this way.

She doesn't seem to care as she wraps a supportive arm around my shoulder.

I sniffle and give her a sad smile.

"Sometimes getting away is the best thing to realize what you need to go back to."