"Spencer." My mom peeks in my room. I lift my head to look at her. I don't deserve to speak words right now. "There's breakfast downstairs if you want it." She gives me a sad smile. I nod and she closes my door. I don't deserve to eat.

I sigh as I drop back down on my bed, grabbing my phone off the bed next to me and text Lexy for what seems like the thousandth time. I know I should give her the space she's asking for, that she deserves. I know it's the right thing to do, but I can't help but keep wanting to try.

As I drop my phone back next to me and it buzzes. I snatch it up, thinking it's Lexy but groan and roll my eyes when I see it's Ashley calling. She hasn't stopped calling me and trying to come see me since I hung up on her two days ago.

I can't see her... I don't deserve to see her.

Or talk to her right now.

It isn't right. Not when my best friend is in so much pain.

Not when this is all my fault. I should have fought harder, pushed my feelings aside. I never meant for things to end up like this and now I'm pushing away the one person I want to be closest to the most in this moment.

But like I said, I don't deserve to be so amazingly happy with Ashley when Lexy is hurting.

I dismiss her call and roll over to my stomach.

I didn't get any sleep last night. Not one drop. I haven't slept much the past couple of days actually. Ever since I took that fruit basket over to Lexy's place and she threw it back at me, I think I've realized that it may be over... that my friendship may be finished.

You know that saying that you don't know what you've got until it's gone, well that's how I'm feeling right now.

Sigh.

I really miss Ashley.

Why does life have to be so complicated? Why does fate push you, unrelentingly towards someone it knows you shouldn't want? I tried to not love her, to not want her... it didn't work. If anything it made me want her more.

'You don't get to choose who you connect with.' Andrew's words keep replaying over and over in my head.

I'm trying to use them to make myself feel better but they're making me feel worse.

Before I got here and ruined everything, Lexy had found her connection. Her and Ashley were perfectly happy and I ruined it.

The thought brings me to tears again. I've cried more in this past week then I have in my entire life.

I shouldn't have anymore tears left.

I feel my phone buzz on the bed again and I don't have to look at it to know it's Ashley. I'm not expecting Lexy to ever talk to me again.

I've known her eighteen years and seven months. We've been best friends since we were one. And I don't think she's ever gonna speak to me again. And honestly I deserve that.

I close my eyes tightly, letting the tears escape freely. No point in even wiping them anymore, more will come anyways.

Another knock on my door causes me to sit up and wipe my face. I don't tell the person to come in, but they do anyways.

"No." I shake my head when I see Ashley peek her head into my room.

"Your mom let me in." She whispers as she steps in. I scoot up further to my headboard.

"You should go." I plead in a pathetic tone, the words barely audible.

"Spencer don't push me away, not now." She shakes her head, moving closer to me.

"Just go, please." I tell her as a new wave of tears hit me. I just want to stop crying. I can't do that if she's here, reminding me of everything I did wrong.

"No." She shakes her head, sitting down in front of me on the bed. "I'm not going anywhere Spencer. I'm not gonna let you disappear on me. You promised you wouldn't do that again."

"That was before we fucking broke her heart Ashley. And what makes it even worse... is that I'm not sad about the fact that I stole you from her, cause I love you Ashley. God knows I do. I'm just sad that she's sad. That as her best friend... I let this go on so long. I broke her heart and I don't know how we can come back from that. I don't know if she'll ever forgive me." I clench my jaw and shake my head as my hand wipes away the never-ending tears.

"I know." Ashley nods, pulling me into a hug. It feels so good to be in her embrace. In a time like this... it's all I want really. But this is wrong. While my friend, her ex, is hurting we shouldn't get to comfort each other. "She'll forgive you Spencer. You're her best friend." Ashley whispers. I close my eyes to fight more tears.

I can't do this.

I pull back, shaking my head. "Please just go." I beg her through sobs, unable to fight the pain anymore.

"Spencer don't ask me to do that. I've given you five days. Please just let me be here." She begs as her eyes now water.

My heart swells at the sight. I never wanna see Ashley cry. I shake away the feeling and get up from the bed. "Please." I ask again.

I need time alone. I need time to think... to figure out how to fix this cause the lame ass attempts I've made haven't succeeded.

She just stares at me shaking her head.

I need her to understand me right now. Understand that I just need some time.

"Spencer I can't-"

"Ashley, I need you to go." I drop my head, wiping at my stinging eyes.

She jumps up from the bed and steps in front of me, lifting my eyes to meet hers. "Stop tryna push me away." She tells me and when I try to look away she pulls my head back forward. "We didn't plan this Spencer. We didn't intend to hurt Lexy. I'm sad that she's hurting, I am." She nods, grabbing both sides of my face. "But I love you. I love you so much Spencer. And whether it was now or ten years from now I'm sure I would have eventually found you. You're my soul mate Spencer, and as corny as that sounds, I know it's true. And so do you. You can't fight this. We can't push it aside and pretend like it doesn't exist. We've tried that remember. It only makes us want it more." She pauses, dropping her eyes to my lips as she licks hers. "I will never love anyone else like this. Please don't take this love away from me." She begs, closing her eyes as I sigh.

"I love you too." I say after a moment. She opens her eyes, staring at mine intently. She licks her lips again before moving her head toward mine to kiss me. I kiss her back immediately. Feeling like it's been way too long since I felt her lips on mine. It's another kiss full of promises.

Promises to love.

Promises to never leave.

Promises that we shouldn't be making right now.

Not while Lexy is in so much pain.

I push her back. She gives me a confused look. I lay my forehead gently against hers as we both try to catch our breath.

"I love you." She breathes out.

"I love you too." I tell her. Cause I do. God knows I do. But I... I just need time. "I need you to leave Ashley." I tell her. She lifts her head up to look in my eyes. I close mine, unable to withstand her gaze. "Please." I whisper. She drops her hands from my face and steps back. I open my eyes. She looks confused, hurt... yet another person I've hurt this summer.

I'm starting to really think that coming here this summer was the biggest mistake ever.

When she doesn't say anything I walk over to my door and open it. She drops her head before turning around to look at me. I'm trying to look everywhere but at her. I can't. I'll cave in. And right now I need to stand strong. She sighs before walking closer to me. She stops in front of me, I'm expecting her to say something...but she doesn't. She leans in and kisses my lips softly before walking out. I shut the door behind her, leaning up against it for support.

I replay the past months events in my head.

The happy times.

The sad ones.

Lexy.

Stacy.

Mrs. Williams.

The boys.

Madison and Aiden.

My family and even Ashley's.

I slide my back down the door, already knowing what's coming next.

I don't deserve any relief from this pain.

–

"Are you sure this is what you wanna do Spencer?" Madison asks me for the tenth time.

"Yeah. I just... I need to get away. I thought you of all people would be thrilled."

"I am." Madison says quickly. "Trust me. I'm ecstatic. I just didn't want you to come back like this you know. I don't like that you're hurting." Madison says in a worried tone.

"I'm fine Mads. I just need to leave this place." I assure her. I know that I'm lying though. Leaving here solves nothing. I'm still short a best friend and I don't have Ashley.

So basically, I've got nothing. Hurting Lexy was all for nothing.

"Spencer I don't know who you think you're talking to right now, but this is Madison. I know you whore." Madison says and I can't help but laugh a little.

"I'm fine Mads." I shake my head at my friend as I continue to pack up my clothes. I sit down on the bed, grabbing my camera, going through the pictures.

"What about Ashley? You gonna tell her you're leaving?"

"No." I reply quickly.

"Spencer you really think that's-"

"I just need a clean break Mads." I cut her off as I stop on a picture of Ashley at the garden.

I close my eyes and sigh, quickly changing the picture to one of Joey doing a cannonball into Mrs. Williams pool, and Mrs. Williams throwing her head back in laughter.

"Okay." Madison says, sensing my mood change.

"I gotta go. I'll call you when I'm at the airport okay?"

"Okay." She agrees without a fight. We hang up and I toss my phone on the bed with a sigh as I flip through more pictures.

I really am gonna miss everyone.

I toss my camera on my bed as someone knocks on my door. I sigh and lay down as I yell out a 'come in.' My mother peeks her head in my room.

"Can I come in?" She questions softy. I nod and she comes in and takes a seat next to me on the bed. She glances back at my packed suitcase then back to me.

"Mom I really don't wanna talk about it I just need to-"

"I understand." She nods, cutting me off. Her understanding catches me off guard a little. I sit up and look at her.

"You do?" I ask with a raised brow.

"Things didn't go quite like you pictured them huh?" I groan and shake my head. "So you're running from them?" She asks. Ugh! Clearly she doesn't understand.

"Mom." I whine out. "I thought you said you understood."

"I do." She nods, placing a hand on my leg. "I do honey. But just because I understand doesn't mean I approve. You can't just run away from your problem Spencer. Cause eventually, they'll catch up to you."

"Could you not be such a mom right now." I groan and playfully roll my eyes.

"Being a mom is a full time job Spencer. I don't get to take days off." She smiles. "All I'm saying is maybe you shouldn't run away just yet. Go..." She pushes my feet off the bed. "Try to talk to her again."

"I've been trying mom." I wave my cell phone around. I've decided that going back over to Lexy's place is not a good idea right now so I've been trying to call her and sending her texts, thinking maybe she'll respond to at least one. But nothing. It's been two days and still no reply.

"You kids and your technology." She shakes her head, standing up from the bed. "A text message or a phone call is not gonna get through to her Spencer. Go talk to her, face to face. Here." She says, tossing me her keys. "You can use my car." I groan and use the bed to pull myself up from the floor.

"But you're the one that said I should give her more space." I say.

"And now I'm saying it's time you fix this. You're leaving Spencer. Do you really wanna leave things this way?"

"Fine" I pout. She smiles and kisses my forehead.

"And just so you know... because you're leaving an entire month and a half early, you're coming home every break you get from school this year, got it?" She questions with a stern look on her face.

"Yeah." I nod quickly.

–

I release a deep breath as I sit outside Lexy's apartment. There's no way she's gonna talk to me. I don't even know what I'm doing here. I groan as I practically roll out of the car and up to Lexy's front door. I knock, not expecting an answer, even though I see her car in the lot.

To my surprise she opens the door.

"Go away Spencer." She says in a flat tone. I scan over her face. She's clearly been up crying all night. Ugh! I feel so much worse.

"No." I shake my head. She's gonna talk to me, even if I have to force my way inside. "Can we talk?" I ask hopeful. She rolls her eyes and opens the door wider before walking away.

Was that a yes?

I walk in and shut the door behind me. I follow her into the living room and take seat on the couch across from her.

She not saying anything, she's not even looking at me right now.

"Lexy I know that you don't want to talk to me or see me. I know that I'm probably the last person on earth that you want to be around right now. But I'm glad that you're letting me get this out, even though I don't deserve that much from you." I tell her. She glances up at me but quickly averts her gaze back to something on the carpet. I sigh, running a nervous hand through my hair. I didn't really have a speech planned, I honestly didn't expect her to answer the door. "I know that right now things seem really shitty. That what we did...what I did... is the worst thing that a best friend could ever do to someone." She scoffs and rolls her eyes. Probably at me calling her my best friend. I don't blame her. Best friends don't do what I did. "I know you probably hate me right now and I don't blame you. I hate me too, I just needed to-"

"Spare me the self loathing Spencer!" She snaps, cutting me off, venom spewing from her voice. "I could fucking care less how you feel right now." She shrugs. "I don't give a shit about your feelings. Cause when you were fucking my girlfriend you sure as hell didn't give a shit about mine."

"Lex it wasn't like-"

"Shut up!" She screams, cutting me off again. "You don't get to play the victim in this. You don't get to use your Spencer charm to weasel your way out of this. You fucked up, big time and I really don't care to hear the details of it."

"I wasn't trying to weasel my way out of anything." I shake my head. A little hurt by her words. I didn't know she thought of me that way. She scoffs again. "Lex I-"

"Stop calling me that!" She snaps. I swallow the lump in my throat.

"Alexis," I use her full name this time. "I never wanted you to get hurt. I was trying so hard to not feel what I was feeling. I tried staying away from her, but you just kept pushing us closer together-"

"So this is my fault?" She lets out a shrill of a laugh. "Classic Spencer, always pushing the blame on someone else, never taking responsibility for her own actions." She shakes her head as she runs a hand through her tangled curls.

"I don't do that." I narrow my eyes, shaking my head.

"Right." She rolls her eyes.

I know that I messed up and I deserve her anger but she's really laying it on me here and I'm not sure how much more of this I can take.

"Le...Alexis." I correct myself when she gives me a death glare. "I'm so sorry that you got hurt."

"Oh you're sorry!" She yells out. "Listen up everyone, Spencer's sorry she fucked my girlfriend. She's so fucking sorry so everything is okay now!" She shouts to no one in particular. I've never seen Lexy like this.

"From the beginning." I shout over her as she keeps yelling out that I'm sorry. "I kept telling myself that I'd rather it be me that got hurt you. I never wanted this."

"But you're not the one that's hurting here, are you?" She stops shouting and looks at me.

If only she knew. I think that's part of the reason I'm pushing Ashley away. I feel like I deserve to be hurt.

But I don't get to feel sorry for myself right now.

"Please don't think for a second that I-"

"You know what Spencer, fuck you! Get out." She snaps, catching me off guard. I give her a confused look as she stands up from the couch.

"Lexy what-"

"We sat on this very couch talking and you could have just told me then. You could have told me that it was you, but no." She shakes her head. "You let me go on being the damn fool. You looked me dead in my eyes and you lied to me. A best friend wouldn't do that. I don't care about Ashley, I care about the fact that you, my best friend..." She pauses as her voice breaks and I know she's about to cry. I really can't see her cry right now. "You of all people would do this to me." She shakes her head.

"Lexy please don't-"

"Just go!" She throws a hand towards the door as her tears fall. I hate seeing her cry. I hate it! And more than that, I hate that I'm the reason she's crying right now.

"Lex." I walk towards her, trying to wrap my arms around her. I know that I don't have this right anymore. I gave up that right the moment I let my feelings for Ashley cloud my judgment and crossed that line. She pushes me away as she cries harder. I try again. She pushes me away again. I try one more time, this time she just melts in my arms. Releasing everything that she'd been holding in. As she sobs in my arms. I rub circles in her back, comforting her in the only way I can right now. I shoulda just kept my mouth shut.

"Everything's gonna be fine." I utter out stupidly. She stops crying and pulls back, looking at me. Hatred in her eyes once again.

"Just get out." She mumbles and I stumble back a bit from her embrace.

"Lex just..."

"Leave Spencer!" She shouts. I sigh, knowing I won't win this battle with her. I drop my head, rubbing my forehead.

"I'm so sorry Lex." I say finally before walking towards the door.

"I hope it was worth it." I hear her say before I leave out the door.

Was it?

–

I find myself getting out of the car for the second time today day. I have been trying to get Ashley out of my mind all day and I'm at the one place that reminds me of her the most.

I didn't want to leave without telling Mrs. Williams goodbye. I walk up behind her as she tends to her garden, she's so cute with her sun hat and garden tools.

"Afternoon." I say and startle her a bit. I pout feeling bad about scaring her.

She giggles and stands up dusting her knees. "Spencer dear, giving an old woman a fright."

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to."

She pulls me into a hug and seconds later we release from the embrace. I'm going to miss her simplicity, every time I'm with her my problems don't really feel like problems. She just gives off this carefree euphoria feeling and I don't really stress too much over what's bugging me.

"It's quite alright. What brings you by?"

I rub the back of my neck nervously and look into her eyes. They are full of life and wisdom and I can't help but smile at how friendly they are.

"I just came by to say…well goodbye." I let out a pathetic chuckle and Mrs. Williams frowns a little. I guess my awkward laugh didn't take away from the news.

"Where are you going?"

"Back to New York…I can't…I need not to be here. It's too much."

She purses her lips and nods slowly. "So things didn't work out for you then?" I shake my head no and look down at her neat lawn, watching as I glide my foot back and forth. I look back up at her and she's awaiting more of a response. "No they didn't. That's a bit of an understatement though."

"I'm sure…things did look a bit hairy when you stormed out of the club the other night."

I snort in agreement.

Hairy indeed.