Listen to "Mariners Apartment Complex" by Lana Del Rey.

By five o'clock I returned to the apartment complex. It was a long tiresome day at NYU and I couldn't wait to throw myself on the couch and close my eyes before dark thoughts slipped into my mind. Compensating for those lectures this summer truly sucks.

I doubted whether April was awake. Now that she has made her intentions known, she's just waiting for me to come knocking on her door and accept her offer.

The strength of holding everything inside is dying along with my willpower. Drinking and work aren't enough anymore. They only serve as temporary remedy for when I got energy and motivation for it but when I'm bored there's no escaping my caning mind.

I can't drink tonight.

I won't be able to wake up early in the fucking morning for work tomorrow.

I rush inside and lock the door behind me. Dropping my laptop case on the table, I lay my exhausted body on the large sofa not bothering to switch off the lights. I take off my jacket and toss it aside.

I rub my tired eyes and sigh. "It's been a fucking day."

I hear the shower to April's bedroom running. Which could mean she recently returned from Inez's fashion house and now getting ready to sleep. That would explain why the lights were still switched on when I returned.

The apartment was invaded by a silence that allowed my ears to hear the slightest sound including the soft sounds of April's moans in the bathroom. It took me a second to register that she is actually moaning. My eyelids parted for my eyes to face the ceiling.

She was touching herself.

I'm not sure on whether I'm invading her privacy or whether she is invading mine.

Her breathy sounds stroke a nerve through me though I did not anticipate that wave of impulse. I'm not attracted to April in anyway what so ever but I guess the long weeks of celibacy are taking a drastic toll on me.

It's intriguing to discover that the girl doesn't ever control her volume when nobody is around to hear. It was hard to focus my attention on sleep. The little whimpers that escaped her lips reached my ears precisely. For some reason, they appealed to me. They were gentle, not rushed rather careful. As though experimental.

Perhaps it's my sexual starvation that is awaken. That would explains my keen senses on the melody of her heavy breathing.

Her moans got louder as the minutes passed. It would seem her fingers knew what they were doing because the shaking of her body could be detected from the type of moans she made. Discontinued whimpers arrayed the apartment walls and something inside me tightened.

I can't sleep here.

My bedroom is sound proff.

I carried my weight off the livingroom sofa and walked lazily to my room. The hall was filled with nothing but her enticing moans and I cursed under my breath that they actually turned me on.

It makes sense.

That's the way our bodies are made. It's biological, that fact alone summed with my inactive sex life contributed to the urge of bursting into her room and doing what my groins wanted me to do.

I'm fucked.

I can't fuck her.

That'd be insane.

She just turned eighteen weeks ago and still fresh. Shit! that actually sounds alluring in my head. The idea of exploring that innocence makes me feel manipulative. But it encourages me and fuck, what on earth is wrong with me? I sound so cynical.

I entered my bedroom and exhaled. Before I could reach for the switch on my nightstand to turn on the silencers, like the devil was lurking in the shadows, April began moaning my name.

Fuck.

I groaned.

She was fucking herself with my image in her mind.

I don't even know how to feel about that.

Amused or indifferent?!

I shut my eyes and tried to control my breathing. My name rolled out her tongue with soothing pitches, not the best type I've heard but just the right tune.

I turned on the sound filters seconds after that.......cutting off her voice. I sat myself on bed, my elbows bent on my lap as I held my head with my hands. I observed the floor. I slowly calmed my nerves, pulling my mind off lucid thoughts. Trying to force myself to forget that on the other side of these walls is a naked girl, completely aroused, touching herself and moaning sensually with my name on her mouth.

After minutes in the silence, the knocking on my bedroom door released my mind from my calm state.

"James," April called from the other side with a gentle barely audible voice and I contemplated twice on what she was trying to do. Did she know I was home all that time?

I switched off the silencers to hear her better. "Go to sleep April. We both have work tomorrow."

"I can't." It almost sounded like a cry for help the way she said that. "I swear It was all I tried to do but I can't stop myself from craving."

Go ahead and test a man's patience, why don't you?!!!!

"That's not my fault. Pull yourself together and stop acting this way." I spoke strongly. April is overstepping her boundaries and it's getting out of hand really quickly. I shouldn't have let her stay here. I need to move her this weekend.

"I want to see you." April slowly knocked again as though she heard nothing of what I just said. "We barely talked these past few days atleast let me know how you are doing." Her voice was weak. Her activities must have worn out her slender body but yet here she is.

"James,"

"You've taken this way too far." I said while approaching the door. "What's gotten into you pulling a trick like that?"

"I needed you to hear just how much I ache everywhere for you." She whispered, completely unwavering and that took me off guard. Her level of confidence made me double back. Was it confidence or lack of shame?! She understood exactly what she was doing all along. "I know I'm coming on too strong but I'd be a fool to keep secrets just to suffer like this. I tried James. I really tried to hide it, to keep within me since florida these desires but I can't anymore."

I opened the door and there she stood.

As usual, she wore my t-shirt that hung her pale thighs. April took a small step backward to look up at me as she played with her fingers nervously.

I've never seen April nervous before.

Her wild eyes weren't carried by their usual strength. They gazed at my face with doubt and that confused me. She sounded more sure than her displayed demeanour. April looked so innocent than she ever has.

"I'm not asking for your love James. I know I will never have it. But we can have something else."

"I'm done with that type of shit April. It was what messed things up in the first place. That's what put me here." I explained.

"Then we can have whatever you want instead." She offered.

I pondered on how to make her wild heart understand that we could never be anything that mattered. And if it didn't matter, then I wouldn't have it. She looked so hopeful as her wild eyes waited for my response and it made me feel slightly guilty for crushing those expectations. "I feel nothing for you. I'll be using you and that's not what you deserve. I'm not interested in taking advantage of someone else."

"Don't consider it that way. I'm willingly putting myself through this James." Her green eyes glistened, her hopes growing instead of crumbling. I wondered whether April was being oblivious or just believing in miracles. "I'll help you forget even for just a while."

I felt her soft fingers on my hand, her touch was gentle. I let her hold my hand because I pitied her. I know how it feels to want something you can't have. Perhaps that's why I let her move closer to me.

"You need this James. The release will do you so much good." Her face carried an openness that allowed me to see straight through her wants. For once my mind almost slipped but I focused my brain to reason carefully.

"You deserve better." I repeated.

She shook her head, "Why have the best if I can have you? I want nobody else James."

I had forgotten that April is witty with her words. She knew exactly what to say and when to say it and leave you considering her offers.

"I've never felt this type of craving for anyone in my life." She added. "You say I deserve better, but what if this is the better it gets?"

"What if it's not?"

"Then I will still take it. Who knows if I'll be here tomorrow. I will have what I can get as long as it makes me happy."

Makes you happy?

"I'm not the happiness you need, trust me."

I'm not capable of being anyone's source of happiness.

"You'll never know just how much you are my source. I wouldn't be here in New York, the city of my dreams if it wasn't for you. I have a fancy job, a place to lay my head. You put a smile on my face everyday even through you barely look at me. I can dream big again thanks to you." The way her voice carried this admiration, her eyes shining as she looked at me, it made me question alot of things.

It made me think of Elisabeth.

She had that same expression on her face back then when I was the only man in her life. She would look at me just like that. The only difference is that her blue eyes carried love, not admiration. It wasn't just the desire, nor the need for my touch, Betty wanted my heart.

Could this be life's way of playing with me head?

April almost sounds exactly like Betty the day I told her about Merissa. Elisabeth willingly accepted to be part of an affair even though she knew I'd never be fully hers.

May be this is life showing me that I'm the problem. Or maybe it's the universe testing whether I'd repeat the same mistake.

Fuck.... I'm getting nostalgic.

"How do I make you understand that I'm trouble? Not for you."

"You don't." She replied simply. "I want you that way. The trouble, the mayhem, the highs and the lows. I'm no better. I'm a mess and that's okay because my mess gave me the opportunity to know you James. Nothing is a coincidence."

"Whatever you think you are feeling for me is misplaced." I insisted. "You are mistaking gratitude for passion."

"I wasn't born yesterday." She groaned in frustration, letting go of my hand. "Why can't you see me for what I am? I'm not some stuck up teenager in a phase. I know exactly what I feel. I'm not a child."

I exhaled.

"I know that."

"So then why are you treating me this way? You keep saying I don't know this, I won't understand that, I'm being silly, I'm acting like a child."

"Because you were."

She gave me a wilder look, "Would a child have this type of conversation with you? Would a child provoke you this way?"

My breath hitched.

"No." I replied. "A child wouldn't."

April smiled. "I might be younger that you by six years but I'm still a woman."

I sighed. "You wanna know something?"

"Tell me." She cooed.

"If I wasn't so fucked up I'd probably fuck you all the time."

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