AUBURN'S POV

trigger warning: attempted suicide

the churning within me

shatters over and over again like

bones against a cliff of glass stained with

shards of blood from my torn

vessels and tissues and arteries of my

heart, now in a state of ruin and agonizing numbness

flashed with strands of pain the color of

torture

i count the days as they roll by like

the distant valleys in esme's eyes

washed with

ocean green flecks of light and

turquoise diamond light shaped

like pinwheels, sparkling and

turning like ferris wheels at

night in the park when esme

held his hand at the top of it

when he was young, and scared

of falling into the moonburnt

concrete far below. ocean

green ocean green like esme's

ocean green eyes filled with

aquamarine waves splashing

against his skin as his ankles

dug into the pale sand when

he was young, when esme

held his hand as they watched

the ocean green ocean green

ocean.

ocean green like the ocean

oceanㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤ‎‎‎ green

like

the ㅤㅤ ocean

ocean green

like ㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤ the

o ㅤcㅤ eㅤ a ㅤn

ocean green like the ocean

my cheek is cold against the floor

my heart screams and fades into a dull ache

its a siren wailing as it carries my corpse

my heart's corpse

to a hospital that my pain lit up in flames

and burnt away

like the anger

pain

when i wake my cheek is still pressed against the floor

the floor stained with something wet

stained with my tears

strands of my hair are soaked

out the window, it

rains.

🌙

and as the rain falls,

so do i

the rain's sorrow

sounds like laughter

to my ears filled

with the ghosts of

you, esme

esme

esme

es me

es me,

ESME, YOU PROMISED

THAT WE'LL ALWAYS

BE TOGETHER, YOU

PROMISED,

remember? don't you

remember? can you?

even in

your grave?

remember?

when you held

both my hands

with both of

y o u r s?

we were under

that goddamn

bed, hiding

together when

you told me,

"with these

hands grasped

together, we

can change the

world or we

could run

a w a y

together, "

you promised

with empty

eyes and

a heart

filled with

cold. cold.

cold like my

heart when

you're

gone.

🌙

my eyes burn with tears.

i finally stand after 3 days of lying on the ground. i walk to my closet. when i open it i grab the neatly coiled rope with trembling hands trembling like earthquakes

the agony shatters against cliffs of my hatred along with my broken body and soul, crashing against the dark and jagged rocks and shattering into a thousand then a million then a trillion pieces

i swear, if i wasn't about to kill me the anger would have, the anger within me

anger at the world

like dragons being unbound from seals of criticism and self doubt and the coldness in my parent's eyes, in my father's when he threw bottles at me and when he choked me against the wall and kicked me until i woke up when he suffocated me until i passed out. the coldness in my mother's eyes when she watched with no remorse. the coldness in esme's heart i never knew of

esme

esme with her pale cheeks and her eyes closed, eyes that would never see the world again. eyes that would never see the hell of this planet again.

esme

please sleep well. im sorry i couldn't walk over more to put roses on your grave. the white roses stained with the blood from my wrists are too stained with shame to deserve to rest with you.

please sleep well, esme

i tie the rope with fingers trembling like weeds in a strong wind. i move a chair under where i tied the rope

i step on the chair.

i tie the rope around my neck.

and the anger and agony boils over again, hurting SO HARD THAT I START TO SCREAM LIKE SOMEONE WHO'D LOST THEIR HUMANITY BUT STILL WANTED IT BACK. THE ANGER AND THE AGONY BOILS OVER AGAIN, HURTING SO HARD THAT I-

i step off the chair

all i knew after that was pain.

just pain.

and anger that shatters against cliffs of my hatred along with my broken body and soul, crashing against the dark and jagged rocks and shattering into a thousand then a million then a trillion pieces

and agony suffocating every cell in my body until everything exploded

just darkness crashing down

and finally

i heard,

a snapping sound