I always fuck it up.

"So I heard that. That's gonna be hard to for her forgive you,"Sabrina says walking back into the room.

"I didn't even mean to say it. It just came out,"

"Just give her time. Have you ever had a bad fight?"She asks.

"A few. When I told her I was pregnant, when she found out about my dad, but that's pretty much it,"

"Yeah just give her time. She'll come around,"

She didn't.

We're back in Tennessee two weeks later and she still hasn't talked to me. She's yelled at me but hasn't had an actual conversation with me.

"Lauren-"

"Don't. I don't want to hear it,"

"It's been two weeks,"

"You know the girls are four! Four years! I didn't think you would ever bring that up! But you did! Tell me I'm not the mom! Go ahead and tell them that their dad is a rapist! That I'm not actually related to them in any way! That their father is a horrible man! Go tell that to them! Go teach them that they have a dad they are never going to meet! Why!? Because he deserves to fucking die!"

"Lauren,"I reach out to grab her hand but she pushes me away.

"Go tell them!"

"Lauren listen-"

"No! I don't have to listen to you! The only thing that's holding us together are these stupid rings and papers! What's holding me here! Because it isn't the girls is it!? Because there's nothing holding me to them! All it takes is our signatures and you can keep the girls!"

"Lauren we are not getting a divorce over this,"

"I wanted more kids so that I can be the one that's pregnant and have kids that you can't remind me aren't mine! Because clearly with the girls I'm not their mom!"

"Lauren it slipped!"

"Shit like that doesn't slip! You mean it!"

"Just like you used to believe my panic attack were a lot? That way? You meant it then?"

"That was years ago! You haven't had one recently!"

"I did, in California. I didn't tell you. Sabrina was there,"

"You had another one?"

"Yeah. I didn't think it mattered,"

"Of course it matters! You haven't had one since the twins were born,"

"Yeah,"

"You didn't tell me?"

"It was after the fight. I didn't want to get you even more upset,"

"Why did you have one?"

"I don't know. I thought you were gonna leave me. That's too much for me. A lot has happened over the past four years and I don't want this to change. This is one thing I can have in my life that makes me happy. You,"

"I don't understand. You haven't cried in a while. You hardly cried at your moms funeral, you didn't even care when your dad got remarried, you didn't have panic attacks about anything. And it was my fault that you had one again,"She sits on the bed and looks down.

"It's not your fault,"I say.

"Then why didn't you tell me? How come around me you hide your emotions? Did I make you feel like you can't show how you really feel?"

I look down.

"I'm such a bad wife,"She says

"You're not a bad wife,"

"Then why do you hide?"

I continue looking down.

"Exactly. You deserve better,"She says.

"No, no I don't. There is no one better for me than you.Lauren we've committed our lives to each other. We're married, we have kids. We wouldn't be here if I thought you weren't the one. You are the one. Nothing can change that,"

"Not even the fact that they aren't my kids?"

"Not even the fact that they aren't your kids,"

"It's been two weeks. We aren't kids,"She says.

"I've tried talking to you Lauren. I'm sorry for saying what I said,"

"Why don't you feel safe around me?"She asks.

"I do feel safe,"

"If you felt safe you wouldn't feel the need to hide what you're feeling,"

"Lauren I'm sorry. I do feel safe around you,"

"You deserve someone who can make you feel safe enough to be able to talk about your feelings. Not me,"She says.

"Lauren I am safe around you. I feel safe around you,"

"You deserve better than me-"

"You can't tell me that! That is up to me! I am in love with you Lauren! I am always going to love you! Nothing can change that. Ever,"

"You need better,"

"No I don't. There is no one better than you. Lauren look at what we've been through. My mom passed away, my dad got remarried, I got raped, I gave birth to two of the most important people in my life, we got married, we're still married, my dad hasn't abused me since you talked to him, and we've done all of that together. No matter what shit we go through, we go through it together. It's always been like that and it will always be like that. Do you understand?"

She nods.

"Yeah,"She sighs looking down.

I place two fingers under her chin and I lift her head up causing her to look at me.

"I love you,"

"I love you too,"