I stared at my well-made bed, not finding the courage to mess up what Mae had so perfectly made. So, I sat in the chair in the corner of my room, holding my head in one hand and rubbing my left leg with the other.

I don't know why I put both her and Thomas in the pit. All they were trying to do was help Alby. I knew Mae wasn't going to get any sleep down there, maybe I should bring her back up and then just wake her up early. Who am I kidding...that would be a shank move.

Everything seemed like it was crashing down. The flashbacks of what I did last night made their way into my mind, making me clench my jaw and rub my eyes in humiliation. I couldn't be a leader if I acted out like that just because a few people went into the Maze. There was still plenty of things to do back in the Glade, and all I could think about was the screams of the Grievers behind the walls, and the fact that I couldn't do anything. When I destroyed my room last night, I was acting a way I had never acted before. I was always telling myself to stay calm, and that everything would be okay...but last night I didn't know whether that was true or not. It was like a flip was switched and I became a...a monster.

And I hated myself for it.

Even though Mae and Tommy were back and they were safe, the memories kept playing in my mind over and over like they would never stop. Every time I closed my eyes I would see myself in the mirror of the outhouse, sweating...crying... It wasn't who I was.

That's what she does to me. She makes me crazy. Crazy in the best way possible. All my life I've just been living each day like it was any other. Doing the same boring thing. Pulling weeds and chopping down trees. Ever since I hurt my leg I've just felt like I was...empty. Well, I felt that way before, but it always just so consistent. Like I had nothing to live for.

But then this bloody beautiful badass girl comes up and completely changes the way I lived. Now I'm wanting to spend all of my days with her, fighting for her. I push down all of those feelings of emptiness when I'm around Mae because when I am with her I don't feel that way. It's only when I'm alone. And I know that I should probably calm down...because her room is right next to mine. But she's just so perfect, and I can't help but wonder what's going through her mind. To know what she's thinking when she looks at the ground or clenches her fists together. If she thinks about me as much as I think about her...

Because I think about her all the bloody time.

I stood up and paced around my room, not being able to stay put any longer.

She was the moon. A very beautiful woman. She lit up the dark times whenever I was having them...whenever anyone was having them. But she has a dark side. I saw that in the Gathering when she was clenching her fists together. But she holds it back for everyone else's sake. Basically for the same reason I do. There's no way that we'll let people see our dark sides because we have to be strong even if we are both falling apart on the inside. But every night, the moon rises and it sheds a light to the darkness of the earth. And that's what Mae does. That's what she has been doing ever since she got here. She's been like a mother to all of us. She was the moon and we were all the stars. Even when she looks like she's falling apart, she's staying strong. Mae looked like literal hell when she showed up in the Council Hall this morning, but she was just as strong as she always is. And I admired her for it.

With a groan, I turned around and grabbed the small candle from my dresser. I opened my door and quietly made my way down the steps of the Homestead.

I don't know why I didn't realize it earlier. I think I've just been running around blind for a month straight. I should've known when I had that bloody dream about her. There was just so much stress...so many things to do. It seemed as though no time was the right time to tell her. But when she ran into that Maze I thought I lost her forever. And I realized that if I was constantly waiting for the right time, I was never going to tell her. I was just prolonging everything. Delaying the inevitable. Of course, I was going to bloody tell her at some point before I died, but the longer I waited, the more I felt her slipping through my fingers.

I stopped in my tracks when I got outside and turned in the direction of the pit, seeing someone there already. The boy was kneeling down on the ground, and I squinted my eyes, forcing myself to try and see who he was talking to. But when I saw Chuck stand up and leave Thomas, I let out a sigh of relief. I moved forward and around him so that the little boy wouldn't see my body. I started at the end of the cells, looking down the trapdoors for the dark brown hair of the girl I needed to see.

"Newt?" Tomas's voice spoke up. I clenched my jaw and closed my eyes, hoping that I wouldn't have to walk past him to get to Mae. But I turned towards him, seeing him hiding something behind his back.

I kneeled down and sighed, "Hey..."

"What're you doing?" He asked me, furrowing his eyebrows. My mouth bobbed open, trying to think of an excuse, but the longer I took, the more his mischievous smile grew, "She's in the last cell. Gally wouldn't let us be next to each other."

"Thanks, Tommy," I mumbled, feeling my cheeks heat up.

Just as I was about to stand, he called my name once again, "Hey, Newt?"

I looked back down at him as he cleared his throat to speak again, "Don't do anything stupid. Okay?"

"That sounds like something Minho would say," I muttered to him, a hint of a smile tugging at the corners of my lips.

He laughed and looked down at the ground, then back at me, "Seriously though... She's been through a lot."

Hearing Tommy say those words brought me back to what Alby said about her earlier. Was Mae not supposed to be in the Maze? He's right, she was too good to be stuck in here with the rest of us, but I couldn't help but feel like he meant something more than that. I nodded towards him, getting up and walking to the last cell like Thomas had told me.

Just like I thought, Mae was leaning against the wall. She was sitting up, but her body laid limp. I smiled to myself and untied the knot on the trapdoor, pulling it back and slowly and lowering myself down to where she was. I placed the candle on the floor and crawled over to her, wincing at the slight sting in my leg. I moved next to her and gently grabbed her hand, intertwining my fingers with hers. Her hands were so small...so perfect. I turned my head towards her and examined her side profile.

Her eyelashes grazed the bags under her eyes, and her mouth was slightly open as she let out shallow breaths of a deep sleep. Like so many times before, I wondered what she was thinking about. Was she having a dream? If so, what was it about? Somewhere I heard that if someone dreams about you, they miss you. I wondered if she was dreaming about me. Every night, I had that same dream about Mae. Her standing in front of the mirror, and me telling her the same words I could probably recite by now. But every time the dream comes into my mind, she seems to look worse. The first time, she just looked really put out. As time went on, her eyes seemed to lose the glimmer of hope she had in them, and her veins became...blueish. She looked more and more tired each time the dream came to me, and I found myself being more effected by it.

She looked like Alby did, but she still had the hint of humanity that he didn't.

Sighing, I looked away, not wanting to think about the bad things right now. I just wanted to focus on her. Because she was the closest to happiness I've ever been.

"Newt?" She suddenly groaned. My head shot back to hers, and I noticed how she was in the middle of a yawn, and her eyes were very slowly fluttering open. My lips parted in admiration once again, and I now realized that I've never seen her wake up before. My heart fluttered in my chest and I squeezed her hand once again.

"You don't have to wake up," I very quietly told her. She shook her head slowly and yawned again, bringing her free hand up to rub her eyes.

"What are you doing down here? Why aren't you sleeping?" She slurred with exhaustion. I shook my head but didn't answer, too captivated by her beauty. Her hair was still loose on the top of her head, but little baby hairs framed her face, making her look all the more beautiful. She stretched her limbs, and suddenly I wanted to cry with how much my heart was bursting right now. It almost physically hurt.

When she relaxed again, she turned her head to look at me with a small smile, "Couldn't stay away, could you?"

Even though I knew she was joking, I didn't laugh like I usually would. My mind was racing with things I could say back, but all of them came back to three simple words.

"No," I whispered, "I couldn't."

Her eyebrows shamelessly furrowed in confusion, and I felt like slapping myself in the face. I just needed to get the words out in a way that wouldn't make her freak out, but every word that came into my mind made me want to burn my tongue in a fire. I brought my fingers up to my mouth, chewing on my fingernails like it was a bad habit—because it was. I turned my head away from her and seriously contemplated going back up to my room and figuring this out before I decided to actually tell her.

"Newt," She called my name again. I hummed in response, still biting on my nails and refusing to meet her beautiful eyes, "Why are you nervous?"

"Hmm? I-I'm not nervous," I lied, "What makes you think that?"

Even though I couldn't see her, I knew she was rolling her eyes and staring at me with a blank expression. She always did that when someone lied to her.

That's another thing I admired about her. The way she had different facial expressions for everything someone told her. When she was upset, she would sigh, and now that I know she clenches her fists tightly when everything becomes too much, I know to try and calm her down. Even though I've only calmed her down once and I have no idea what to do when that moment will come, I knew when I had to try.

"You're biting your nails," She motioned to my hands, and I immediately froze, "You're nervous about something. What is it?"

I scoffed, trying to delay whatever this conversation was going to turn into. It was like I finally realized that I had feelings for her, and now I didn't know how to act, "Just because I'm biting my nails doesn't mean I'm nervous... I-It could mean that I have a hangnail."

She frowned, "Newt."

I sighed and moved away from her, feeling defeated already. I moved across the room so that she was now directly in front of me. My legs laid flat on the left side of hers, while my hands were now folded in my lap.

"Why did you come in here?" She asked again, smirking, "You decided to throw Thomas and I in the pit, and now you're here too."

I bit the inside of my cheek, willing that she would just pass out again so I could go back to peacefully admiring her features. When I didn't answer immediately, she tilted her head to the side and raised her eyebrows, making me let out another groan. Anything she did was so perfect...

"I just wanted to see how you were doing..." I lied.

She shrugged, "I'm fine. How are you?"

"I'm...fine."

"Stop lying," She then surprised me by accusing me. I tipped my head back to lean against the dirt wall, and I clenched my jaw.

"I'm not lying," I lied again.

She scoffed and rolled her eyes, "Newt. You've hardly talked to me all day, and everything that could possibly be going wrong today, has. So even if I didn't ask, I would've known you're not okay. Quit the bullshit, please."

My mouth bobbed open as I went speechless. How could someone manage to be stern and gentle at the same time? Her eyes were full of unspoken words, but what she was saying was only a fragment of what she was thinking. Despite the dark circles under them, she still looked so beautiful. The moon reflected on the dirt floor below us, and it perfectly lit up half of her face, like a mirage of her personality. The dark and the light.

"I'm sorry," I whispered, looking down at my hands, "I just don't wanna worry you..."

Mae was silent for a few moments before sighing and crawling over to sit next to me, both of us having our backs to the moon now. I didn't meet her gaze once again as she grabbed both of my hands with hers, "You worry me more when you don't tell me. Everyone's saying that they have never seen you act the way that you did when I was gone..."

"Well bloody obviously," I sighed, hardly ready to bring up the topic, but knowing that I had to. I couldn't leave her in the dark forever, "Scared the shuck out of me, Maisy. I thought I lost you."

She stayed silent, waiting for me to continue. Quickly, I went over last night's problems and I decided that if I didn't want to be put in the doghouse, I should probably tell her. Even if she thinks I'm crazy... She deserved the truth.

"As soon as the doors closed, I thought that I was never gonna see you again. All the guys were trying to tell me that you and Tommy and Minho would be fine, and that we would see you tomorrow...but nobody survives a night in the Maze. Or at least that's what I thought until you showed up," I paused and took a deep breath, painstakingly reliving the night and what I did, "But I didn't listen."

She squeezed my hands in reassurance, gently rubbing her thumb over my knuckles, "What happened?" She asked.

I shrugged and let out a breathy laugh, trying to lighten up the depressing conversation, "Destroyed my whole bloody room... That's why it was so messy. I ignored everyone."

Again, Mae stayed silent, but I could tell that her mind was whirring. I continued talking and telling her the truth, no matter how much it humiliated me, "Thought you were never coming back. And I just thought of all the things that I never got to do with you. The things that I never got to say... I never got to tell you that you reminded me of the moon, I never got to say how I get this weird feeling whenever I'm around you... I just kept reliving that night where we promised to take care of each other and," I paused, "And when you ran in there I couldn't."

"Eventually, I just stayed by the doors all night. Crying and yelling at anyone who tried to talk to me... Now that I think about it, I'm humiliated by the way I acted. I-I should've been stronger for everyone. Stayed calm..." I was having a war in my mind as I spoke the truth to her.

"You were hurting," She whispered, trying to get me to stop beating myself up.

But I shook my head, "That's no excuse for the way I acted though. When Alby made me second in command, I was expected to be a leader. Not someone who breaks down when the world is falling apart. I have to be strong...be there for people like you are. You're so, so strong, Mae," I looked at her, feeling tears well up in my eyes, "I wish I could be more like you."

"You don't think I wish I could break down and cry?" She asked me.

I looked into her eyes and saw that hers were just as watery as mine, if not more. I watched as she let out a breathy laugh, trying to cover up her emotions just like I had done, "When I first came up here, I held everything in until I thought I was alone. But then you showed up and you completely turned everything around. You showed me that you care. Hell, I wish I could shucking break down and cry right now," She scoffed, looking back at me as I squeezed her hands, "Truth is, I'm just as scared as anyone else, Newt. We...We don't have to be strong all the time. It's just about knowing when to let it go..."

My jaw clenched at her words, and I felt the lump grow in the back of my throat, "W-When do you know when that time is?"

She looked into my eyes, "Whenever you're comfortable. It's okay, Newt..."

I nodded and looked down at the space between us, wanting to be closer to her now more than ever. I mistakenly blinked, letting a warm, fat tear slowly roll down my cheek. It left a burning string, and dropped down onto Mae's lap. I cleared my throat and looked back up at her beautiful face. She sent me a weak smile and gently lifted her hand up to my cheek and wiped away the trail of the water with the pad of her thumb. I closed my eyes and leaned into her touch, needing it more now than ever. Her fingers gently moved some of the hairs that were falling onto my forehead, and moved her head closer to mine and benevolently placed her soft lips to the crease in between my eyebrows, making another tear roll down my face.

Without thinking, I whispered, "I'm sorry..."

She pulled away, still keeping her hands on the sides of my head, "For what?"

My heart skipped a beat as I looked into her sparkling brown eyes. I knew that if I didn't tell her how I was feeling right now while I was vulnerable, I would probably never tell her. So, with a heavy heart and a doubtful mind, I took a deep breath and spilled everything for the second time tonight.

"I'm sorry for not telling you how I feel about you."

She furrowed her brows, "What...What do you mean?"

I breathed in through my nose and out through my mouth like I had done so many times before, "I don't really know how to explain it. But...But whenever I'm around you, I get this weird feeling in my chest. I know that it seems like the entire shucking world is falling apart right now, and that we have a million other things to worry about...But I just wanted to tell you that you're the closest to happiness I've ever been."

I didn't dare look into her eyes to see her reaction. I just continued speaking as my words came out in a vomit form, "You don't have to say anything, but I just thought I would go shucking crazy if I didn't tell you. It's like whenever I'm with you, all of the bad things just go away for the moment, and I'm just left feeling like my heart..." I tried to find the words that accurately described how I felt, but none of them seemed to work.

"Like your heart is growing too big for your chest..." She finished my sentence for me. I looked back down at her and furrowed my own eyebrows this time.

I nodded, "Yeah... H-How did you know?"

She smiled warmly at me, letting a tear roll down her cheek this time, "Because that's the same way I feel when I look at you."

Before I could say anything back, I felt her gently pulling on my head, bringing me closer. My heart skipped a beat with every inch we closed, and I began to feel lightheaded. I looked down to her lips like I've done so many times before, but now I was seeing them close up. They were bright pink, and they looked softer than the clouds we stared at so often. I quickly licked my bottom lip in nervousness and fluttered my eyes close to shut, but still wanting to see the moment they locked to make sure I wasn't dreaming.