there was a time i wondered if i ever looked up to someone,

for a moment, i thought that person was me. 

no, it wasn't conceit.

i just couldn't find anyone that thought like me,

that felt happiness, every once in a while, like me.

that buried their sadness, like me.

that constantly hurt, every single day, like me.

that held everything in, like me.

that i thought was strong like me.

but then i realized the thought of me was what i looked up to.

i thought i was confident, secure, positive, different, wise, smart, captivating....

i wasn't.

and my favorite artist like rihanna, bts,

they came along.

they made me realize everything i was hiding and everything i wanted to be.

now i have somebody or people to look up to,

but why?

why?

do i feel more lost than ever?

is it because i realize that everything i want to be seems out of reach?

or because i realize it's so many layers and vulnerability that i will have to show to the person i always wanted to be....

me.

because at the end of the day, the only person i want to finally, honestly, genuinely, look up to....

is me..