The door of my home office is kicked open, making me jump and I quickly end up my conference call. "I'm so sorry I'll need to get back to you." I hurredly say pressing the red button on my screen. "What's wrong Juliette?"

"What's wrong is I can't even sleep in my own house! What is the cleaner doing here on a Friday hoovering in front of the bedroom door and banging on it when she's supposed to come here on Tuesdays ?"

"I told you yesterday I would have her come twice a week now."

"No you did not." I don't argue...she hates being wrong and will never admit it if she is. "Why do you need to have her come twice anyway? Are Lily and I making too much mess? Or you think I'm such a fucked up burden I can't even clean after myself and my daughter?"

I walk to her and approach my hand to her arm but she slaps it away. "Don't touch me. I know you're disguted by me."

"Wh..what? N...no." I'm dumbtrusk and stammer but clear my throat and add in the steadiest voice I can muster "Of course not!" She turns around to leave but I grab her waist and hold tight. "Baby I can't let you say things like that. I asked the cleaner to come twice a week because there are three people living here now. When I was by myself she barely had anything to do. And no...you're not making any mess. I like the penthouse as it is, I hated coming to a quiet empty home, now it's full of sound..."

"....and fury."

"What?"

"You don't know your classics Amelia."

"Stop changing the subject." I make her turn around to face me. "What I'm trying to say is that I love the mess in my life as it is. I won't lie to you and tell you the past week has been great, it's hard for me and I know it's so much worse for you...but I would never return to my quiet, meaningless life. And I'm not disgusted by you...Gosh baby."

"I'll...ask the cleaner not to hoover when you're still in bed ok?" I try to kiss her again but she moves her head away and leaves. I hear piano playing and know she's locked herself in our bedroom again with the same playlist. Fortunately Lea comes for dinner tonight to check on Juliette's progresses - as if - so I'll have a little respite...

....

When Lea arrives Juliette is still inside our bedroom where she has stayed all day. When I checked on her around noon to let her know lunch was ready and that I'd love for her to join me in the kitchen, she told me to go to hell. I brought her food later anyway but I know she hasn't touched it but I need to keep trying.

"Hey pumpkin!" Lea bends to catch Lily who is running into her arms. She plants a series of kisses on her head and looks at me questioningly.

"Still in bed." I mouth.

"You mind if I join her for a bit?" I shake my head and take Lily from her arms "Come on Lil', I need a kitchen assistant."

Lily helps me set the table, counting each cutlery as she takes them out of the drawer. She gets the numbers right until she jumps from 10 to 18 and back to 15. I count with her to help her get it right and then I ask her to count with me in French. Then she quizzes me on the French words, it has become a habit of ours and I'm getting the heck of it, though I still can't pronounce "cuiller" right. Who needs a spoon to eat anyway...Lea joins us but Juliette's seat remains empty.

"Maman's not eating with us tonight?"

"No pumpkin, maman is not feeling well."

"Don't worry she'll feel better tomorrow..."

I shake my head in disbelief. Juliette had always managed to toughen up for Lily. If she can't make an effort for her now, how are we going to get her out of bed ? Now I'm starting to worry, and I'm getting sick of hearing that same music over and over again. Weirdly Lily hasn't commented on it, she seems to like it.

After we put Lily in bed, Lea and I sit on the couch and she asks me how our day went. I've been updating her every day, several times and I know she's been in touch with Juliette too, I heard her talk on her phone on Wednesday and Thursday when I thought she was getting better. But now that her body is less craving for the drug it's as if it let her in a deep state of depression.

"She's depressed." It's as if Lea has been reading my mind and I frown, pressing her to share her wisdom.

"How long has she been listening to that music?"

"For days. She can't stop."

"It's Kelly." I give her a quizzical look, not sure I understand and she explains.

"Kelly hated the metal band Juliette would listen to all the time but she found the instrumental arrangements quite good and she spent hours secretly working on a piano version of Juliette's favourites. She recorded them while she was teaching at the Conservatoire and offered it to her as a birthday present."

I nod slowly, my eyes staring into oblivion as I'm trying to figure out what Juliette must have been thinking for the past days, listening to her dead girlfriend's songs. Shit.

"Juliette didn't mourn properly I think, and it's getting back to her. She was depressed for a month but her mom and I helped her through it. I always found it weird how quickly she got over mourning but I understand she had to wear this mask for Lily and she couldn't crumble as she should have. And now we're picking up the pieces."

I realize I'm still nodding and stop. "She can't even wear the mask for Lily so what are we going to do..."

"She obviously can't take anti-depression pills..."

"We have to hammer sense into her thick stubborn brain. She clearly can't see what's going on. She has to get out of here. She can't stay in bed all day brooding. That's not healthy."

"What's not healthy?" Shit. Is my inner voice that high pitched ?

"Hey Ju, you're finally up. You hungry ? Amelia ordered food that tastes almost as good as yours. You want me to fix you a plate?"

"I'm not hungry."

"I was just telling Amelia I want you to go back to practice. Tomorrow."

"Right. How do you want me to do that?"

"I want you to watch the new drills so you'll be ready when you have your cast removed."

"Lea, I don't want to watch."

"I'm picking you up tomorrow at 1:30pm. And you know that if Ihave to drag your lazy ass out of bed I'll do it."

"Whatever you say coach. We'll see about that."

Juliette finally sits down close to me but refuses my touch. I put my arm around her but she wiggles out of my grasp and sits on another couch. Lea looks at me but I don't hold her stare. I'm just too tired of being rejected and I'm afraid I'm just going to break down and start crying. This week's been hard...I stand and quicky fix a plate for Juliette. I hand it out to her and she takes it automatically, not realizing it's food.

"Amelia I said I'm not hungry." She's raising her voice.

"Could you try ? You have barely eaten in days. Come on just a bite."

"Stop forcing things on me! I said I'm not hungry!"

She puts her plate down on the floor and stands up but Lea is quicker than me and she forces her down, kneeling between her legs.

"Babe I hate to see you like this. You're hurting yourself. I know you feel the same even if you can't act on it on your own. Just let us help."

"The only one I need right now is dead."

"And she'd be so ashamed of you right now! Juliette ! Look at you for fuck's sake!"

Juliette's body starts shaking violently as tears are falling from her eyes. Lea sits next to her and she falls into her arms. I sit on the other side and hold her as tight as I can. Her leg's fixed but I don't know if some day her heart will be, if I'll ever be enough, and the words that come out of my mouth just express that desperation I'm feeling.

"Baby I can't stand seeing you aching like that. If somehow I could bring back Kelly, I would willingly leave, knowing she could give you everyting you wish for. But you're stuck with me. Please...please let me help."

She clasps my hand and brings me closer to her as if it was still possible. We're a sobbing mess.

Before Lea leaves she makes Juliette promise to be ready for practice the next day. I'm sensing she's planning something to help the brunette through the beginning of her depression and I'm really grateful I can count on her. I mouth a "thank you" before the elevator doors close on her.

I join Juliette in bed, she's leaning on her right side and giving me her back to stare at, again. I lie next to her, my hand on my bent arm. I want to reach out to her, to cuddle her, to make her feel loved and cared but I have no idea if she'll even let me. But I need to try and I slowly put my hand on her bare arm. She startles at the touch and I suspect she was lost in her thoughts, but she doesn't flinch. I brush her arm from her shoulder to her wrist, and back again, feeling goosebumps forming under my fingertips. I lean a little bit closer, reaching for her hand. She entangles our fingers and drags me closer to her body. I spoon her, resting my chin on her shoulder and my lips find the delicate skin of her neck. As she turns on her back I'm finally allowed to look deep into her eyes and they tell me everything I need to know. She's hurting and scared...and sorry. But right now I really need to hear those words. I need them as my therapy, to keep going.

She's holding my stare, cupping my cheek and I press it against her palm, afraid she might take her hand away. I'm feeling overwhelmed and I can't suppress the tears that start rushing in and falling on her face. She forces my head in the crook of her neck, making me sob even more, and I break down, remembering the week's frustration, rejection and worry. Juliette clasps her arms around my neck as tight as she can, pressing kisses on my forehead.

"Amelia...I'm so sorry, about what I said earlier...I feel like I'm losing my mind." She whispers, as if afraid to admit it. "You're the only one I need." I raise my head to hers and give her a single kiss but she's holding on to my body as if her life depends on it and starts nibbling on my bottom lip. I quickly straddle her and she unbottons my blouse, biting on her lower lip as her hands find my lacy bra. She unclasps it with a swift movement of her index and thumb and throws it at the other side of the bedroom. She arches her back for me to strip her to the waist but I leave her totally naked taking off everything I'm wearing at the same time. I couldn't stand the fabric that separated my skin from hers and I exhale in contentment as I feel her warm body underneath mine. For a short while neither of us moves, we just lie into each other's arms not daring to break eye contact. These moments of high intense pleasure always seem to end bad these days and I would be ok to just spend the night in her arms. "I won't mess this moment up baby...I'll do my best not to." It's as if Juliette's been reading my mind all this while and getting a little better at it everyday..just like I'm starting to understand all the different expressions of her eyes. We don't need to talk at times and I like that silence between the two of us is never awkward. At that exact moment I know she is the one I need forever.

"