I sat on the edge of our bed in silence, awaiting his response to my journey from the 21st century. The fire cackled and the candles stay lit as he pondered his thoughts on the armchair in the corner of our room. His elbows rested on his knees and his face rested on his intertwined knuckles with a perplexed expression plastered on it.

Finally he looked up at me, although nothing else of his body language had changed. I didn't realise how guilty I looked, but I was just so nervous for what he was going to say next. Whether it would be aggressive or sympathetic, I was to the point of playing out worst scenarios in my head.

It looked like he was going to say something for a moment, but then his mouth quickly closed again. A few seconds later, it opened again and this time words came out of it, "Diana, I have found myself in a state where I am honestly lost for words." he told me, rubbing his forehead from frustration. I felt my eyes fill with tears, and my vision started to blur. "you were never going to tell me, were you?" he asked, looking me directly in the eyes so that he could get an honest answer out of me for once.

I sighed and felt a single tear fall down my cheek, "no, no I was not going to tell you." I replied, wiping it off. He immediately got up and turned to face the fire, resting his hand on the mantlepiece that sat above it. "do you think ill of me?", I whimpered from behind him, sniffling my nose.

"yes Diana, I think ill of you. I will ask Herbert to make up another chamber where I will sleep." he announced, now pacing. I didn't feel angry that he was mad at me, it was fair enough. I should have realised that I could trust him with my secret, and he wouldn't have told a soul. However I didn't, and now I must pay the price, but I wasn't going to go down without a fight.

"darling please talk to me." I rested my hand on his back, but he flinched when I did so. "I need to have my own time and space to think about everything, and you must let me if you want this marriage to succeed." he replied, leaving the room in a hurry.

I hated myself, more than I ever had before. We were both finally happy and content in each other's company and now I'd gone and screwed it up again. I would have chased after him, but I realised I needed to respect his boundaries and let him be. He's overwhelmed and I'm sure we'll be able to discuss the matter in more detail tomorrow.

Bollocks.

I've really fucked up, and I don't know if we'll ever come back from it. I broke down on the floor and put my hand over my mouth so that no one would be able to hear my cries. I felt like I couldn't breathe, the thought of losing James daunted on me and I felt myself only being deprived of more and more oxygen. I needed him to burst through the door and hold me so I could be re assured that everything was going to be ok. I leaned up against my bed and put my arms around the back of my head so I could breathe better, but even then, my tears outweighed my breath. Eventually I gathered up enough strength to pull myself onto my bed and fall asleep feeling cold without him by my side.

I wanted to know what he was thinking and feeling. I wanted to know what his plans for our future were, if there were any. I needed to be inside his head, the need to just know so that I could prepare myself for the worst case scenario. Though I was unsure of what that would be. Him leaving me alone and being happy with someone else, or him staying with me and wishing he was with someone else. The intrusive thoughts felt like they were slowly taking over my body and i was sure I'd hit my lowest. I was itching to understand his feelings, and consume them so any hurt he currently felt was on me.

Under normal circumstances I'd ask myself what I'd do, but that's exactly why I loved James. We would do completely different things and react in different ways. We were too opposite from each other that it would be impossible to know what the other one was thinking at that specific moment in time. And even though I tried, a constant reminder in my head was 'he wouldn't do that, you would.'

Part of me was trying to sugarcoat the scenarios in my head to try and make myself feel better, but they were not even close to what was actually going to happen. I knew that though and i was basically lying there for hours making a big joke out of myself and laughing at my shit show of a life.

Waking up the next morning felt like I had been hit by a train. A very large and fast, train. I lay on my back staring up at the ceiling, picking away at the area around my thumbs to try and distract myself fro punching a wall. I found myself turning my head to check the door often, hoping that he'd stride in and say that it didn't matter and he'd still love me endlessly. Nevertheless, he never came and I resorted to dragging myself out of bed and going downstairs for breakfast.

I dreaded his cold stares, and icy tone of voice. The short and awkward conversations we'd have to try and distract from the elephant in the room. When I arrived in the parlour, no one sat at the opposite end of the table. Herbert stood next to his chair, and extended his arm suggesting that I sit on the opposite end of the table.

"his grace, Mr Penbrooke, will not be joining your grace for breakfast this morning." he told me, now on his way to leave the room. "Herbert!" I replied, catching his attention again so that he now faced me. "did he justify his... request?" I added, with a confused look on my face.

"no, your grace. Only that I should tell you when you arrived in the parlour." he answered, before actually leaving the parlour. I now sat alone, eating a cold and lonely breakfast. I looked around in desperation for some human interaction, but all the butlers that stood along the side on the room, were stone faced and emotionless. You could imagine starting a conversation with one of them would have been loads of fun.

I awaited the minutes until I could excuse myself, and when they came, I couldn't wait to retire back to my room and drown in thoughts of endless worrying. Though I bumped into a tall masculine figure, who held my elbows tightly so that I would fall over or trip backwards.

Of course, coming face to face with the person made it all very clear. "James." I said, staying exactly like we were. However he quickly let go of me and stood opposite. "Diana, did you enjoy breakfast?" he asked, avoiding any eye contact with me. "I- uhh, no not re-"

"Good." I was interrupted by a word, and before I could ask why he did that, he was gone. He had just disappeared, an eager beaver to get away from me. I'm not his wife or anything, it's not like I'd lay my life down for his, pfft. No way jose.

Oh lord.

I continued to my room, and got straight back into my bed. My head spun with thoughts and my stomach started to ache. I opened my window for some air and tried to appreciate the endless greenery, but I couldn't. I was just obsessed with everything. Different ways I should've done things, literally from the moment I arrived. I was so overcome with thoughts I started to cry.

I wasn't screaming or sobbing. I just cried from frustration and anger and simply let the tears roll down my cheeks, in hope that my worries would go away with them. I put my palm on my for head and my face started to mould itself into a crying face to the point where it ended up with me actually sobbing. I was taking deep breaths and gasping for air.

I didn't realise how much I loved him, and the thought of him not loving me the same amount back was heartbreaking. The though of him going from that amount of love to very, very little was even worse. They were taking over my body and I didn't know what to do with myself other than just think about them more and what I could have done differently to prevent all of these things from happening.

A carriage pulled up to our front door, I was dressed but my face was ruined. James burst through the door and seeing me in the state I was in caused his eyes to suddenly droop, however he shook those feelings away.

"My mother is here." he hurriedly said. "why?" I asked, trying to quickly wipe the tears off my face." I don't know but they are. It looks like we are going to have to go back to pretending." he replied. "pretending? James I love you!" I tried telling him but he refused to listen. He took my hands in his and looked me in the eyes, "this isn't the time or place for this okay? She is here and we need to appear happy for her, please just do this for me without asking questions Diana." he added.

I reluctantly smiled at him and nodded, "ok, yes yes, fine. I can pretend."

I hated that word, but here I was, saying it yet again. And doing it with the same person. The person I thought that I'd never have to pretend with again...