I don't even drive a block down the road before the familiar feeling of a panic attack erupts through me again. Two in one night? I pull my car over to the side of the road in front of a playground and put it in park. After shutting off my car, I get out and practically fall into the grass.

I bring my knees up to my chest and rock back and forth. "I kissed him. Why the fuck would you do that, Reid!" I begin hyperventilating and pulling at my hair while tears stream down my face. I can't be gay! My parents would disown me! They'd send me away to some Christian camp!

I look up at the dark sky and scream, "Why would you do this to me, God?! I don't get it! Are you testing me? Is this a test to see how loyal I am to you?!" Burying my head in my knees, I sob "Please help me!"

Why did I push him away like that? I was so mean to him while he was trying to comfort me. Fuck, I've ruined everything! "Fuck, fuck, fuck!"

Knowing I can't sit out alone in the dark, especially while having a panic attack, I tremble as I pull out my phone from my pocket and dial Preston's number. They should be out of the movies by now.

He picks up on the fourth ring. "A suh dude," he says playfully through the phone.

"I c-can't breathe. I don't know wha- what to do. I-"

"Woah, woah, Reid calm down. Take deep breaths," he tells me with a concerning tone.

"I can't!" I yell, clutching tighter onto my hair with my free hand.

"Yes, you can. Let go of your hair and take a deep breath," he instructs sternly as if he can see me right now. Preston's helped me through so many of my panic attacks, it doesn't surprise me that he knows exactly how I'm reacting.

I take a shaky breath and release the hand that was taking hold of my hair.

"Just tell me where you are," Preston softly demands.

"I don't know where I am! I'm in- in some random n- neighborho- hood," I tell him through hiccups.

"It's okay. You're fine. Send me your location, okay?"

I nod even though he can't see me. I put my phone on speaker and go to my messages. Once I find Preston's name, I send him my location.

"I got it," Preston tells me. "I'm on my way."

"Wait! My- my car is here, bring someone with you t- to drive it."

"Alex is with me, we'll be there in a sec." I hear rustling around through the phone and then a car door shutting. "I'm gonna give the phone to Alex, talk to him, okay?"

I hear some more rustling before Alex begins to speak. "Hey, buddy. We're actually not too far away from where you are. How you feeling?" He asks cautiously.

"This is so embarrassing," I sob, my body shaking and the need to grip my hair consumes me.

"Don't cry. You don't have to be embarrassed. We're your friends, Reid. You know we would never judge you, or laugh at you for something like this."

I know they wouldn't, but that doesn't mean I want my friends to see me as a pathetic mess. I take a few more breaths to get myself to calm down a little.

"I'm sorry," I whisper and hang up the phone, even though they told me not to.

What am I going to say to them when they get here? Obviously, they are going to ask what happened. I can't tell them that I freaked out after making out with Grayson Clarke. I can't lose my best friend over that. I just need to avoid Grayson at all costs. I'll go to confession and I'll start going to church regularly with my family again. Yes, this will work. I know God will lead me on the right path, he's just testing my faith right now. That's all it is.

I smile at the thought of me no longer being attracted to Grayson and realize I'm no longer in panic mode.

When bright lights blind me, I look over to see Preston's car pull up behind mine. Preston races over to me with Alex not too far behind.

"Jesus Christ, Reid. Why'd you hung up the phone? I was worried!" My best friend scolds me.

"Yeah, and apparently Preston being worried about you turns him into a driving maniac. He ran like two stop signs and hit a curb," Alex says with a laugh.

I chuckle at that and Preston hits Alex's shoulder. "Shut up," he says then kneels in front of me. "You okay?" I nod. "Let's get you home."

"Can I just stay at your place?" I ask timidly.

Preston smiles softly, "of course. Come on," he stands up and holds out a hand for me. I take it and we start walking to Preston's car.

"I'll leave your car at Preston's but then I have to go home. My mom's been blowing up my phone wondering where I am."

"Thanks," I say and toss Alex my keys.

"No problem," he shouts over his shoulder before getting in my car and driving off.

When I settle into the passenger seat of Preston's car, Preston makes no attempt at starting up his car. I already know the dreaded question he's going to ask. He turns to face me, his hazel eyes filled with worry. "What happened?" he asks in a slight whisper.

"Nothing," I mutter, avoiding eye contact as I look down at my hands in my lap.

"I'm not stupid, Reid. You lied about having to take care of Angie. And you don't get panic attacks from nothing."

I don't reply, hoping he'll drop it.

"Hey," he says and places his hand on my arm to get me to face him. "You can talk to me about anything."

I want to. I really want to tell him so much, but I'm afraid he'll be grossed out by me. Hate me. I can't risk our friendship.

"Please just let it go," I beg with pleading eyes.

Preston watches me, contemplating rather or not to drop the subject for a minute before finally nodding. He removes his hand from my arm and starts up the car. "This conversation isn't over," Preston informs me.

The rest of the car ride back to his house was silent.

Getting to his house, I see my car parked on the side of the road in front. When we get up to Preston's bedroom, he hands me a pair of clothes to sleep in.

"Thanks," I murmur. When I look up at him, he's already taking his clothes off. We've been best friends practically since we were born and have had sleepovers more than I can count. At this point, it doesn't bother either of us when Preston sleeps in only his boxers. Though I've always felt weird about sleeping naked, so I opt for a tee shirt and pajama pants.

I try not to, but I can't help but watch him. If I was gay, wouldn't I have a crush on Preston? I mean, I can see why girls are all over him constantly. With his defined jawline, toned body, perfect height of six-foot-two, he's undoubtedly attractive. You don't have to be a female or gay to know that. I love hanging out with Preston. He's funny, outgoing, goofy, and he's always there for me. But Preston doesn't make me feel the way Grayson does. Maybe because Preston's my best friend and I've known him forever. Liking him would be like having a crush on my brother.

"Why are you looking at me like that?"

I shake my head, ridding me of my previous thoughts. "What? Oh, uh... you look like you've gained weight." Of course, I was lying. Preston works out every other day and drinks protein shakes every morning. Preston has a swoon-worthy body; not too muscular, but enough to let the ladies know he lifts weights.

Preston gasps and looks down at himself. "No, I haven't! Tell me your lying!" He exclaims dramatically.

I laugh, "I'm kidding."

"I was gonna say," he mutters and goes into the bathroom probably to take his contacts out and brush his teeth.

I change into the offered clothing and brush my teeth as well. I settle into the far right of Preston's bed. Preston shuts his bedroom door, turns off the lights, and places his glasses on his nightstand before crawling into bed next to me. We are both laying silently, looking up at the ceiling.

"Please talk to me," Preston breaks the quiet.

I sigh, "it's not even that big of a deal." This might be true for other people in my situation. As for me being in a very religious family where homosexuality is frowned upon, it was a big deal to be questioning my sexuality.

Preston turns to his side to face me. His hands going under his head like a pillow. "If it's not a big deal then why can't you tell me? You don't have to feel embarrassed when you're with me. We both know I've had my fair share of embarrassing moments."

Preston is wrong. It's not that I'm embarrassed to tell him, I was embarrassed about my panic attack, but it's that I'm scared to tell him about the feelings I have towards a certain boy. Even if my best friend does accept me, I'm afraid he'll treat me different, or feel awkward when we do things like sharing a bed together. As simple and insignificant as that is, it would change the dynamic between us. I don't want us to change.

"I will tell you, I promise. Just not now, okay? I just... don't want to think or talk about it."

Preston sighs then turns the other way. "Fine. I don't want to make you upset again."

"Thank you," I say. It falls silent and within five minutes, Preston's soft snores radiate through the room.

Though I desperately want to sleep, my brain won't let me. It keeps replaying me kissing Grayson over and over again on a loop like a broken record. My body tingles, remembering his lips on mine. Grayson was right; I do love kissing him- his tongue in my mouth. I love the feeling of his hands on my waist, in my hair, my stomach.

Fuck, I can't be gay.