If I'm going to be honest, I have not been doing so well without Grayson. And to make it worse, I can't tell Grayson's emotions. For all I know, this break up hasn't affected him at all.

And that thought fucks me up beyond compare.

It's been two months. We don't speak often, only when necessary like when our Film as Literature teacher partnered us up for the day to discuss our favorite movies. (I had told him he better not say Twilight, which of course he did. I rolled my eyes and we both laughed and then it got awkward. I went to the bathroom after class and cried).

During first period, Grayson switched seats to the one next to Jessica. It didn't make a difference, really, and everyday Marisa tries to get us into a conversation. I know she feels guilty- and she apologized profusely- but it's not her fault. I told her that. The fault is on me for keeping what happened between Preston and I a secret.

Speaking of, living with Preston has been... interesting. His parents are great and accepting and always refuse my offer to help pay rent. Preston's mom has even helped me get a psychiatrist who prescribed me take-as-you-need anxiety medication.

But staying in the same house as Preston while I'm going through a heartbreak, I've developed a horrible habit:

"Fuck," I groan as Preston goes down on me. My hand laced through his hair to keep him in place while his head bobs up and down between my legs.

We've developed a 'roommates with benefits' relationship about a month ago. I keeps me from thinking about Grayson, and fuck, is Preston good at giving head.

More times than not, I feel like absolute garbage for kissing someone other than Grayson. But then I think about what I saw two months ago...

The next day after ending things with Grayson, I went to his house. I had wanted to speak to him, thinking I broke things off impulsively. But I was wrong. I was nearing the front porch when I saw them. Grayson and Logan through his front window. They weren't doing anything, but they were close, too close. Both of their hands on one another. If I didn't turn around and leave, I knew I really would've seen something I wasn't ready to see.

So, call me a shithead for rebounding with Preston, but at least I waited longer than a day.

"Don't stop," I moan. Preston doesn't; he keeps that same mind-numbing pace. Right before I'm about to cum, I push him back and climb on top of him. Our mouths crashing together. One thing I will say though, Grayson's a better kisser. Grayson takes his time with me and guides us through the kiss. Preston's chaotic and sloppy. But I don't care, because when Preston's mouth is on mine- tongue against tongue- I feel nothing but a peaceful silence in my head.

Blank. That's how I feel right now.

It's as though I'm drunk on Preston. I need him to cope and feel nothing. Cause at night, when I'm sleeping alone, all I think about is Grayson. And my mind won't shut the fuck up.

So when I slide down onto Preston, him gripping my waist as I grind on him, my mind finally shuts the fuck up.

"You're name's Reid?" the pink haired girl chuckles while I take the books she laid down on the counter and begin to scan them. "How fitting," she giggles.

I give a short laugh to appease her, but it's fake. When she's cashed out, she gives me a flirtatious wave before exiting the book store.

My smile drops when she leaves and I give a bored expression to Kurtis. "If I hear one more person say how 'fitting' it is that I work at a book store with my name being Reid, strangle me."

He laughs and shakes his head while dusting a bookshelf.

Kurtis has become all of our friends and even got me a job at a small bookstore downtown. This job has also been a good distraction and I can breathe a little easier knowing I'm actually making money. I've opened my own bank account when my father shut mine down. This is better though, no one's controlling me.

My mom calls me about once every other week (even though she could just walk to see me and she knows that). Then again, I've seen her only twice since the last time I spoke to her in person. Peter comes over most weekends with Angie, which is nice.

Alex hops on the counter. He doesn't work here, but he hangs out with us a lot. No, him and Kurtis aren't together, but there's definitely some sexual tension between the two. My gaydar goes off every time they're together and I just want them to kiss already.

"Awe come on, Reid. It's a good joke," Alex claims, sarcastically. Kurtis snorts and Alex winks at him.

"Yeah, the first time. Not the hundredth time," I deadpan.

"Well, she was our last customer, so you can stop whining," Kurtis tells me.

"Thank God!" I shout, quickly locking the entrance door and switching off the 'Open' sign. We begin our 'closing' tasks while Alex sits on the counter and looks pretty. "Ya' know, if you're gonna be here past closing, you could help," I tell him.

"Nah, that's illegal 'cause I'm not getting paid."

I roll my eyes.

"So..." Alex starts and I have a feeling I know where this is going. "Have you broken things off with Preston yet?"

"You know I haven't, so I don't know why you always ask," I'm taking books off the discard cart and returning them to their rightful place. It's a small book store, so none of us have to shout to hear each other.

Kurtis is peacefully counting change, acting like he's not listening to us. This is what I like about Kurtis, he stays out of drama. He won't put his two sense in even though I know he sides with Alex. Fuck, I side with Alex, but they don't understand how much I need Preston.

"You're just gonna end up hurting Preston and you know it," Alex tells me firmly as if he's my father.

"He told me he doesn't love me anymore. It's just sex," I shrug, not convinced of my own words.

I catch Kurtis share a look with Alex. "Come on, Reid," Alex groans in frustration. "I know you don't believe that. No one falls in love with someone and then falls out of love while having sex with them. It doesn't add up. Preston told you he doesn't love you anymore, so you would feel better about yourself and agree to being friends with benefits."

I hate that Alex is right. I naw on my thumb nail, hating this conversation I've had with him so many fucking times, it's drilled into my head. "Preston's a big boy, he can end it whenever."

"Fuck, Reid, you know he won't do that. You have to end it."

"Well, maybe I don't want to!" I shout. Lately I've been more angry than anxious, and I lash out at people then feel like shit afterwards.

Alex sighs, "You don't love him. And that's not fair to Preston. Ya' know, he misses you."

He's no longer talking about Preston and my heart throbs in my chest.

"Don't tell me that," I say bitterly, pushing down the lump in my throat. "He can talk to me then. He's the one who didn't feel shit for me."

I catch Kurtis looking up and the pitiful look in his eyes makes me more irritated.

"Reid," Alex continues, "you know that's not true."

"Fuck this," I mutter, not wanting to hear it. "Clock me out, Kurtis," I tell him and I storm out the back door.

I take deep breaths in through my nose and out through my mouth. My hands shaking as I pull a little pill container out from my pocket. I pop the lid off and dump a pill into the palm of my hand before swallowing it dry in my mouth. Within ten minutes, my anxiety eases.

That night, Preston fucks me and I forget about Kurtis' pitiful look and Alex's words. And my mind finally shuts the fuck up.