Fuck, fuck, fuck! I slept in Preston's bed! He's snuggling up to me!

This might not seem like a big deal, and it probably isn't. But I've made a strict rule with myself concerning this friends with benefits arrangement with Preston. Rule number one; Don't sleep in his bed. Why? Because that's how you get attached, that's how emotions intensify, and we're strictly just friends and sex. That's it.

Now, this rule isn't for me. I don't feel an emotional attachment to Preston, nor are my feelings for him beyond friends. But I know Preston's feelings for me are strong and I don't want to give him anything that's relating to romance towards me.

And snuggling is romantic and leads to attachment.

I look down at Preston who's head is laying on my chest with his naked body pressed to mine. I rub my hands over my face. Alex's words ringing in my ear like a gnat. And those stupid, pitiful, pretty eyes Kurtis gave me can fuck right off.

You don't love him. That's not fair to Preston.

Fuck, I need to end this. But I can't lose him. I need that nothingness that Preston provides me.

This is so messed up. I'm messed up.

I try to slip away, but this only causes Preston to stir wake. He squeezes me closer. Shit. "Last night was fun," says Preston, half muffled from his pillow and with a sleepy voice.

"Mm," is the only response I give. I feel nauseous for what I have to do. But I can't. I can't do it. I can't do it, I won't.

He turns over, laying on his back. "Wanna do it again? Morning sex before school?" He wiggles his eyebrows suggestively.

I'm looking him in his puppy dog eyes and I'm about to break his heart and that breaks my heart. I can't look at him while I do it. My heart is pounding through my chest and my stomach is stirring uncomfortably.

You're just gonna end up hurting Preston. Fuck you, Alex.

I hug him. I wrap my arms around his waist and bury my head in his chest. Preston's arms are wide open like he doesn't know what to do. Then his arms are around me a second later.

"I'm sorry," I tell him, and I swear I can feel his heartbeat racing or maybe it's the gnats in my ears again.

He chuckles softly. Nervously. "For what?" But he knows what.

Fuck me, fuck me, fuck me! I'm such a horrible person! "I- we shouldn't keep doing this. It isn't right and I'm sorry. I was in a very vulnerable, dark space when I agreed to us fucking and I dragged you down with me."

Preston's silence is deafening and I can't face him. He whispers, "It's... it's okay." His tone dejected.

I look up at him and I'm crying and he's fighting tears. He shrugs and says again, "it's okay," he nods to reassure me.

I shake my head, sitting up, "It's not. I was selfish and only thinking about me and how I felt." My hands are holding his face. "I love you, Preston. I really do. Just not how you love me and I'm sorry. I wish I did... cause you're really good at giving head."

We both laugh and sniffle because we're also crying.

"I'm sorry," I tell him again cause I need him to know, "I never meant to hurt you."

"I know." And he pulls me into another hug. His face in my hair as he tells me, "If you love him, Reid, fucking do something about it."

"He doesn't love me back," I sniffle, holding him tighter.

"I know that feeling," he chuckles and I chuckle cause we're both in this messy situation.

"I'm sorry."

He pulls us apart and now his hands are on my face. "Stop. Remember? Our friendship's not gonna end over something as simple as you liking a boy," then restates, "loving another boy. And..." he takes a deep breath, "I knew this was gonna end, I was just hoping for longer. But... it's okay."

"Why are you so good to me?" I whisper.

"I think we both know the answer to that," he says lightheartedly with a hint of sadness.

Because he loves me. That's why. Preston loves me unconditionally and I love him unconditionally, but it two big, separate ways.

I kiss him and he kisses me back. We both know it's the last kiss we'll share and my heart breaks for him.

I wish, God, I wish I felt something, anything, while kissing him. No butterflies or twisting in my gut or a tingling sensation. Nothing. And for the first time in months, I realize I don't want that. And Preston doesn't deserve that. So I break our kiss.

We look at each other. My eyes watching his eyes roam my body like it's the last time he'll see me up close. His eyes meet mine.

"Do you want me to move out?"

"Don't be stupid," he says and pushes me off of him.

The thing about being a senior in high school is; rather you want to go to college or not, you have to summit college applications. So that 'at least you tried' as teachers tell us.

I'm not going to college due to financial reasons, and I've accepted that. This is why I've prolonged my applications and am just now speaking to my counselor a month before graduation.

I don't want to sit down and have a useless chat with my counselor about where I've thought about going for college and 'why haven't you submitted an application yet'?

So I'm reluctant and a bit grumpy when I step into the office, to wait for my appointment. Until I see the last person I thought I'd see, standing alone with his own application in his hands.

Grayson sees me walk in. There's no one else in the waiting area and it sounds like the counselor is with a student.

"Hey," I hear myself say, but my mouth feels too dry to speak, so maybe I imagined it.

I didn't because he replies with a small smile and a "hey."

My heart begins to pick up pace. I wish I had my anxiety meds with me.

We don't say anything else. Fuck, this is weird. Sure, we have three classes together, but we're never alone. Not in a small office space, standing stupidly as far as we can from one another.

"College applications?" I ask, shaking my paper, like I don't already know the answer to my question. I want to run out of here and shove these applications down my counselor's throat.

"Yeah," he lifts his papers up a bit.

God, he's so fucking beautiful. He's just wearing fitted blue jeans- cuffed at the bottom- his Air Force One's with white socks showing. A baggie, retro looking, white t-shirt with a thin silver chain. But, dammit, he looks so good. I want to pounce on him, have him fuck me right here in this office.

I nod, trying to keep my facial expression neutral.

Silence. Stupid, stupid silence. And so much fucking tension. He has to feel it, right? He has to feel the intensity of the air between us and how suffocating it is. Is his heart racing like mine? Is his body heating up? Is he picturing every possible way he could do me in this office?

I don't know, but he does look fidgety and nervous. Which is odd because Grayson never allows anyone to see him look anything other the cool and calm.

He turns to me, opens his mouth to say something then turns back and closes his mouth.

I raise my eyebrows in question.

He won't stop moving, bouncing lightly on his feet, switching hand positions. What the fuck it going-

He turns to me again "do you wanna hang out sometime?"

I think my jaw drops. Huh? I blink a few time before saying, "Uhh, y- yeah." I cough to clear my throat, but it does little to stop my excited stutter, "Yeah. Yeah. Tha- that would- would be nice, um, cool," I nod.

Fuck you, Reid, you're so fucking pathetic!!

"Cool." He smiles, but it's... an anxious smile? Is he nervous to speak to me?

"Grayson Clarke?" Our counselor comes out and calls for him while a student from our year walks out.

Grayson nods and begins walking towards her. He looks back at me, "I'll text you." Then he winks and I'm rendered speechless.

I exhale for what feels like the first time since I've stepped in here. Holy fuck.