《Out of My Control [bxb]》Chapter 49
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"Graduation day, bitches!" Marisa and Jessica exclaim in unison. They pull us all into a group hug. Alex, Preston, Grayson, and I all smooshed together in our red gowns. Grayson and I share a look and chuckle.
Things have been different, but good. Preston and I are close, but not physically or romantically. I still feel guilty. His mood has been a little low lately and that's my fault. But he always puts a smile on for me which makes me feel shittier. We had talked about it again and Preston said, "I'm just glad you're still in my life." And I told him I feel the same way, then I went to my room and cried feeling horrible.
Grayson and I, on the other hand, hang out now... as friends. Not too often. It's an unspoken rule that we only hang out alone once a week because that's how it's been this past month. But we talk in and between classes and fuck, have I missed him. His smile, his laugh. (Marisa almost cried during first period when she saw Grayson sitting next to me again).
But nothing has happened. Not even physical contact. It's as if we're both too afraid to touch the other in fear our friendship will go up in flames if we do. Our friendship is too fragile and thin right now.
"Is this a group hug?" Kurtis asks walking up to us.
"Yes!" Alex shouts, grabbing the front of Kurtis' shirt and pulling him to us.
Marisa inhales, "this is nice. I love you guys so much."
"Love you too," we all chime. And this is nice. The gang's all back together.
A fake cough then a slur comes from behind us.
We all break apart and flip off Colton. The hateful, meaningless words don't bother me anymore. I'm not even phased because I know who I am and I will never let someone scare me from hiding myself.
And I'm definitely not phased by McKenna's glare as she walks past. Her manicured hand wrapped around Colton's arm. They've been "together" for a month now. Alyssa walks besides them.
Good for them, they all belong together.
"I'm so upset you guys are graduating," Kurtis whines with a pouty face. "And I definitely don't want to sit here for hours and watch my friends graduate without me."
"Yeah, but I need someone to cheer for me when I get my diploma," Alex tells him with a wink and Kurtis smiles.
Gah! They're like Grayson and I and I now understand Grayson's frustration with me. Just kiss each other already!
Kurtis goes off with Alex's family to sit by them and the rest of us, in our silky gowns, head to the gym to get in proper formation.
I'll spare you the boring ceremony that was almost three hours long. None of us were valedictorian, so none of us cared about the speech. Preston said he fell asleep during it and I don't doubt that.
And we party and celebrate. A classmate threw a 'Senior Class Only' party at their rich home (but people still brought juniors or lower class friends with them).
I don't drink and just watch happily as my friends celebrate the end of high school. And I just gotta say, thank fucking God it's over! Whoever said "High school's the best four years of your life," can go fuck themselves.
Grayson's across the room from me. We've been keeping our distance all night, but glance at one another from time to time- old habits die hard. I watch him set his drink down (he's been drinking water, I know).
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He looks sexy as all hell tonight. His skinny, black jeans and high-top, Converse. A white shirt tucked into his pants- secured with a black, sleek belt. An open short-sleeved button down that's striped (he knows how much I love his striped button downs), and of course his silver chain.
I'm too busy staring at him, I hadn't realized he's walking towards me. I quickly glance down, straightening my shirt, making sure I look decent in my basic skinny jeans and maroon shirt.
Grayson's next to me when I look up. Shoulder to shoulder. I want to say something to him, but before I get the chance, he brings his mouth close to my ear in order for me to hear him above the loud music and chatter. "Wanna' get out of here?" He pulls back to look at me.
I meet his eyes. I nod, trying not to look too excited as the butterflies in my stomach flutter around.
We're at Grayson house, alone. In his bedroom. My head is reeling. My body feels hot.
I'm sitting on his bed. I haven't been in here since I packed up everything and left. When we hangout, it's at the book store or a coffee shop. Sometimes at Preston's when he's not home.
Grayson's shuffling through his closet, and I'm shamelessly looking at his ass. He pulls out a small gift bag and extends it to me, "happy graduation." His smile is breathtaking.
"Grayson..." I mock a groan while taking the gift bag, "you didn't have to get me something."
"Shut up and open it," he tells me with the smirk I've been longing to see again. He sits on the carpeted ground and leans against his dresser. I wish he'd sit next to me. But baby steps is our pace right now, and that's okay.
There's a card poking out of the tissue paper. I take it out.
"Not the card yet," Grayson rushes out.
I look at him with raised eyebrows before setting it aside and pull out a wrapped present that's thin and rectangular. I know what this is. A dvd. "If this is what I think it is, I'm gonna kill you," I joke.
He laughs that beautiful, contagious laugh of his. "Just open it, fuck."
I chuckle and rip the wrapping paper off and what do you know, it's Twilight. I laugh, "I fucking knew it. Now I'm glad I didn't get you anything." He laughs. "Wanna watch it?" I suggest with a grin.
"Of course," he chimes with the same silly grin.
It's so difficult to be friends with Grayson with so much history behind us. I want to kiss him so badly.
I set the dvd aside and pick up the card. I rip open the envelope.
"Wait," he tells me, looking nervous. He's been nervous around me a lot more. It always makes me confused.
"Do you not want me to open it?" I question.
He takes a deep breath, "Never mind. Sorry. You can open it," he gives me the 'go ahead' with a nod. He rubs his hands on his pants.
Now I'm nervous.
"Okay..." I say, my heart racing as I take the card out. It just reads "Congratulations!" on the front. I open it and my heart stops. I don't even read the message on the inside of the card. Just the words written in Grayson's messy handwriting at the bottom of the card:
'I love you'.
I look up at him with wide eyes and my mouth open, trying to speak, but I can't.
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"Reid..." Grayson takes a deep breath.
"What is this?" I question, my heart's racing. My eyes burning. My gut is twisting. I can't stop looking between the phrase on the card and Grayson. Those three words on the card are so simply written, but have so much meaning to them. Especially from the person who wrote them. I look back up at him when I hear him speak.
"It's probably too late and I probably missed my chance," my heart begins to thump loudly as I listen to him, awestruck. "But I just need to tell you cause if I don't, I'll always be wondering, 'what if' and-"
"Just say it," I cut him off anxiously and I'm sitting on the floor in front of him.
Grayson looks me in the eyes as if what he's about to tell me will seep into my soul.
"I," another deep breath, "I love you, Reid," and he exhales like a weight is lifted off of him. "I love you so much. I'm in love with you and I don't think I've ever stopped loving you, I just didn't realize at the time that what I felt for you you is love," his run-on sentence increases in speed with each word. "Cause I was just so terrified of getting it wrong again,"
Grayson shakes his head as if he spoke the wrong words. "I mean, I was scared of saying 'I love you' to you because I didn't know if I truly loved you or if I was just getting attached like last time. It all felt too good to be true like I was just waiting for you to tell me it was all a joke."
I feel like my head and my heart are about to explode.
"I don't know if that makes sense, but I didn't want what happened in California, to happen with us. And then when we broke up and even now just being friends with you, I realize I'm completely, utterly, excruciatingly in love with you. I'm so sorry it's taken me so long. I should've said it a long-"
I pressed my lips to his. Grayson's hand falls on my cheek and he wastes no time to kiss me back. We're sitting up on our knees, his hand slides behind my back and presses me closer. My hands are in his hair. My body tingles with excitement. I've missed his body against mine, his hands on me, and his God-like lips on my mouth.
We pull apart, "Funny how you used to end my rambling with a kiss," I tease. Our breathing is heavy and we're only a few inches apart, both of our hands still on each other.
"Worked every time," he smirks then pecks my nose.
We both sit back down, crisscross and knees touching. I'm absentmindedly playing with his fingers. "I honestly didn't know you felt so... insecure about us. You always seemed so confident."
He scratches the back of his neck. "Yeah, well, I've learned to fake my appearance. I mean, sometimes I did feel confident about you- about us- and wanted to tell you 'I love you'. Then I'd get in my head and back out."
I nodded, finally understanding Grayson for what seems like the first time. We both lean forward, our lips meeting in the middle for another kiss. We pull back, both of us grinning. "I love you too," I tell him, my heart full with adoration for the blue eyes boy in front of me.
I smile and he smiles. Grayson asks, "Do you... wanna go on a date with me?"
My grin broadens. "Yeah, I'd really like that." And we just stare into each other's eyes, soaking in the raw emotions around us. I stand up and hold my hand out for his. "Now let's go watch that shitty movie."
.
.
.
.
We're half way through Twilight, Reid is snuggled up in my arms, and if I believed in God, I'd be thanking him. Thanking him for giving me one more chance with Reid.
Because I sure as hell don't deserve it. I don't deserve him.
I made a mistake and I've never regretted anything more in my life. And I need to tell Reid. If we're going to start over, we need a hundred percent, transparency. That means no lies or secrets even if it occurred while we broke up.
But I just got him back. I can't lose him because of what I did. It's going to hurt him, I know.
The movie is paused and Reid's looking up at me, concerned. I think he's about to ask me 'what's wrong?' cause I'm sure I have an ill expression on my face. Instead, he says to me nervously, "I need to tell you something."
I sit up which makes Reid move to a sitting position. While closing my laptop and placing it on the ground, I say, "me too." When I'm back to facing him, we intertwine our hands.
We're both looking guilty, and nervous. Palpable. Reid takes a deep breath, "If we're gonna be together... then I was thinking-"
"We need a hundred percent honesty?" I offer, my insides jittery. Shit, I don't want to do this. But I have to, this is needed for us to move forward.
"Yes, exactly because-"
"Because, even though we weren't dating-"
"We were not dating," Reid repeats with emphasis.
"There's this..." I can't think of what I'm trying to say.
"Gnawing guilt eating away at you because you did something horrible while we were broken up and you need to let it out?" Reid helps me out.
I nod shamefully.
"Yeah, me too," he says. But I already know what he feels guilty about.
So I start, "Okay... well-"
"Let's make a rule!" Reid rushes out in panic.
"A rule?" I question.
"Yes! We can't get mad at the other for what happened while we were broken up. I just want to reiterate that we were not together when this happened."
I nod, "good, I agree. Neither of us can get upset because-"
"I love you."
"And I love you. And that's all that matters."
"Right."
"Right," I agree and then take a deep breath. "Okay, um, this is hard to say." Fuck, fuck, fuck. Reid, please forgive me. "So, after we broke up, I was going to met up with Logan at the coffee shop, like I told you, but he was already at my house when I got home after school. So we just talked there instead, and..." I cover my face with my hands because I can't speak the next part while looking at him. I'm too ashamed. "He kissed me and I kissed him, and-"
"With tongue?" Reid asks sounding disgusted by me and I can't take it, but I deserve his judgment.
I peak through my fingers, "you really want to know?"
"No," he changes his mind with the shake of his head, looking like he wants to throw up.
"With tongue," I tell him anyway.
His eyes widen, "I said-!"
"I know, but 'a hundred percent honestly', that's what we agreed upon, so yes, there was tongue involved. And then we-"
"Okay, stop. No details. Just... baseball terms." Reid looks so uncomfortable and I want to hug him and apologize profusely.
"Okay, um, almost third base, but I stopped it and told him basically to fuck off and we argued and he kissed me again, but I pushed him back and that was basically the end of it. I haven't seen or spoken to him since. I assume he's back in California."
"Okay," I can't tell his expression, but then he says, "I'm sorry, I know we have a rule, but you really couldn't have waited more than one day? We had just broken up!"
"I know, I'm sorry baby. I hated it and myself afterwards and I felt so shitty. I love you, Reid. That meant nothing to me, I promise."
"Okay, okay. I'm past it. I forgive you. I can't really get mad 'cause I did something worse."
I sigh, "I know," I tell him.
He looks up at me, his eyes guilty, "you know?"
I nod, "that you and Preston were hooking up? Yeah, I know. But it was only a few times, right?"
Reid shakes his head regrettably, "no... we were friends with benefits for a month."
"A whole ass month?" I exclaim in horror.
"I know! I feel so horrible about it."
"Jesus. More than we've had sex?" I ask, but I don't want to know.
"I don't know," he shrugs, "I didn't count."
I wanna punch Preston in the face, but I have no right to. "You couldn't have slept with Alex?"
Reid chuckles, "No, I'm pretty sure Kurtis is taking care of that."
I laugh at that.
"Well, at least there's no more secrets, right?" Reid questions, looking nervous.
"No," I confirm, "no more secrets. And from now on, I promise to tell you how I feel when I'm feeling it and to communicate better."
"Me too. And I also wanted to apologize for not telling you about the kiss on my birthday."
I shake my head, not wanting to think about it. "That's in the past. We're starting over."
"Yes, but how I reacted to you finding out wasn't fair. I should've just apologized, but instead I just defended myself and Preston and that wasn't fair or right. So, I'm sorry. I really am. If anyone ever kisses me, I'll tell you."
I smile and press my lips to his, "thank you for saying all that. I love you."
Reid grins and it's beautiful and he's beautiful. "I'm never going to get tired of hearing that. Tell me again."
"I love you."
"I love you too," and Reid wraps his arms around me and presses his lips to mine.
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.
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**Sam Moretti is new to Crestfield High, so first impressions are everything, right? What happens if your first impression is spilling iced coffee all over hot-headed Noah Wright?
Noah Wright has issues. With an alcoholic father and absent mother, he struggles to see any light at the end of the tunnel, but he's accepted that with a bad attitude.
Sam Moretti has one issue; he can't stop thinking about Noah.
But, as he's been told, only a fool would fall for Noah... but Sam's not too sure if he cares.**
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