I weighed myself again.

Five stone, 70lbs.

I was weak. How I had hidden this from anyone was beyond me. I wasn't myself, I had been taken over by a monster. I always had to cover up the fact I felt dizzy whenever I stood up and it was getting to the point where blacking out was normal for me.

Mum would be home soon but I couldn't take it anymore. I wanted to be perfect. I wanted to look like the girls on the Pro-Ana websites but I couldn't. I was me. Every time I walked past a mirror I got a sudden feeling of self hatred, disgust and embarrassment. Why am I so fat?

I had bought laxatives a few weeks ago but never got to use them as mum was always in the house and would've suspected something.

'Tip 28: When you're feeling disgusting and fat, take 5 laxatives in the effort to clean food and waste from the body in a rapid manner. '

I felt so much better after doing this, but then I started over thinking. I couldn't go to school tomorrow, especially not anymore after what had happened. I couldn't face my mum shouting and screaming at me any more I just needed to let go. I'm not pretty enough for anyone. I shoved my calloused fingers to the back of my throat until the apple I had before was being regurgitated. My kidneys were aching, my cheeks were swollen and my heart was beating at an irregular speed. I was cold, depressed and lonely. Normally, I ran water when I was in the bathroom to hide the sound of me being sick, I didn't have to this time. For once I could make myself sick, scream, cry and let all of my emotions out with no one to hear me but it wasn't enough. I didn't want to be here anymore. I walked over to the sink and stared at my reflection, It started talking.

"Do it, what are you waiting for?"

"Go on, kill yourself, no one needs you."

"Look at you, you're a fat mess."

"Why have you carried on for so long? Who are you trying to please? Mason?"

"Fat attention seeking whore."

"Kill yourself."

"You're useless."

I was in shock. This had never happened before, why was this happening? What was wrong with me, how could I be seeing this? Tears were streaming down my face, I needed a break from my own thoughts. You can only be strong for so long until you break, physically, mentally and emotionally.

The mirror I was staring at was on the front of a cupboard. I lifted my weak, trembling hand to the handle and opened it slowly. There they were. Three boxes of 24 x 500mg paracetamol. I ran to my room to get an empty glass and then ran down to my mums alcohol cupboard, vodka. I had five minutes before mum was home. I opened one packet, releasing the pills into my hand. I put 10 in my mouth at once and drank the vodka to try and swallow them whilst heaving and crying. I felt nothing. I put more and more in my mouth and swallowed them over and over, the same repeated pattern. One packet down. I opened another one. I put 12 in this time.

"Work you stupid pieces of crap!" I screamed.

I drank the rest of the vodka and suddenly, the urge to be sick, properly came again. I closed my eyes and swallowed whilst falling backwards onto the floor, I couldn't help myself. I couldn't open my eyes or move. I was in a state of paralysis. I continued being sick with the glass shattered around me and the rest of the pills scattered on the floor. My head felt light and turned towards the shower and away from the door and made a thud, the same time the closing of the front door happened. It was my mum. She shouted something but I couldn't hear or decipher it properly. For the first time in my life I was happy.